Which was why, Sunday after church, as she sat on the church steps, eating cookies with her nephews, it didn’t bother her to see Fernando getting in his truck and driving off.
She’d seen him sneak out at the end of the service, but judging from the welcome bag in his hand, whoever had been on greeter duty had caught him before he could get far.
It was so weird that he seemed uncomfortable with church, given his deep love of the Lord.
But that was between Fernando and God. It had nothing to do with him training her horse or even working on their barn. She wasn’t going to allow their relationship to become any more personal. That seemed to be where they always got in trouble.
“Hi, Nicole!” Janie came up to her, and her little boy, Sam, tugged at Dylan’s arm.
“Come play football with us!”
Dylan looked at Nicole for permission, and Nicole nodded. The boys ran off, laughing, and Nicole smiled. It was nice to see everyone finding their place here in Columbine Springs.
Which left Nicole. He’d hidden Brandon and Adriana’s affair from her, and even though Fernando had apologized and Nicole was working on forgiving him, he’d lied to her again.
She didn’t think she could ever fully trust someone the way she had Brandon and Adriana, but maybe she could make some friends and at least have a few girlfriends to hang out with from time to time.
“I really liked what you said in Bible study today,” Janie said, sitting next to Nicole. “About grief and how God gives us all our own ways of processing it, so we can’t tell others how to do it. It sounds like you’ve lost someone close to you.”
Nicole hadn’t known why she’d volunteered that information. She usually didn’t talk much in their Bible study group, not wanting to sound stupid or reveal too much about herself.
But as she saw the sincerity on Janie’s face, she realized that maybe opening up wasn’t so bad.
“Yes,” Nicole said. “I did. And it’s hard for me, having people tell me how I should feel or what I should do. It’s more complicated than people make it seem.”
Janie gave her a small smile. “I agree. It’s hard to talk about grief because everyone has an opinion about it, and you’re just trying to get through.”
Maybe she had been wrong in not trying to make friends sooner.
A football landed at their feet.
“Mom, you were supposed to catch that,” Sam shouted.
Janie picked the ball up and threw it back to the boys.
Then she turned back to Nicole, shaking her head. “I promised Sam I’d play with them after church. But I’d really love to chat with you some more. Any chance you’re free for coffee...” Janie quickly glanced down at her phone, then back at Nicole. “Tomorrow? I have some time while Sam’s at soccer, or we could try later in the week.”
Nicole watched as the singles group gathered by their usual spot to discuss where to go to lunch afterward. She still wasn’t ready to join them, but maybe she could start slow with Janie.
“Sure. I’d like that.”
Even though the words came out sounding like a rote response, at Janie’s smile, Nicole realized she meant it. As Janie got up, Nicole looked for her sisters, who were both busy chatting with other people from the church.
One of the little girls, Gracie, who was in Nicole’s preschool class, came up to her and handed her a picture. “I made this for you!”
It was of a man, a woman and a little girl. “Who are these people?”
“That’s my daddy, that’s you and that’s me. My mommy died when I was little, and I need a mommy who lives here with me. You’re my favorite teacher, so maybe you could be my mommy.”
Nicole’s heart broke a little at the sadness in Gracie’s voice. She didn’t even know what to say in response.
Fortunately, before she could answer, a harried-looking man approached. “Gracie! I told you not to run off.”
Gracie turned to look at him. “Daddy, this is my teacher, Miss Nicole. She’s the one I want to be my mommy.”
An embarrassed look crossed the man’s face. Nicole had never met Gracie’s father because Gracie’s grandmother did all the drop-offs and pickups at school.
“Hi.” Nicole stood and held out her hand. “I’m Nicole Bell. So nice to finally meet you. Gracie talks about you a lot.”
He looked like he was embarrassed, so Nicole gave him the warmest smile she could. “Don’t worry about the mommy thing. I get it on a regular basis. If it’s not one of the kids wanting me to be their mommy, it’s one of them wanting to marry me. Preschoolers don’t understand the subtleties of adulthood sometimes.”
Gracie’s dad nodded slowly. “Thanks. Everyone says it’s just a phase.” Then he smiled down at Gracie. “She never really knew her mother, and now that she’s aware of all her friends having one, it’s confusing to her that she doesn’t. I’m Evan Duncan, by the way. She talks a lot about you, too, so I’m glad to finally meet you.”
He was handsome, and she’d heard some of the ladies in the women’s group talking about what a catch he was. But nothing about him stirred even the slightest bit of romantic curiosity. In fact, her mind strayed to Fernando, even though he was the last man she should have been thinking about.
Pushing those thoughts away, she turned her attention back to Evan. “I’m glad to meet you as well. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to make things easier for Gracie.”
Then she smiled down at the little girl. “Other than becoming her mommy, that is.”
Gracie gave a little pout, but Evan ruffled her hair. “Thanks for being so understanding. I’m hoping things with work will slow down soon so I can be around more.”
As Evan left with Gracie, Nicole stared down at the picture the little girl had given her. She’d always hoped to have a family of her own someday. But how was she supposed to do that when she’d already shown such bad judgment in men? The first man she’d thought she was going to marry turned out to be a liar and a cheat, and she didn’t seem to be attracted to seemingly nice guys like Evan. No, the only man who stirred anything in her was someone who’d already proven himself to not be trustworthy.
Maybe the real person Nicole couldn’t trust was herself.
She thought about her conversations with Fernando, and how even the sermons at church lately had been about trusting in the Lord. Today’s lesson had been about trusting in the Lord when things don’t go your way, which was where the conversation about grief in their Bible study had come up.
Things certainly hadn’t been going Nicole’s way until they’d moved to Columbine Springs. And even then, it seemed like everything was a crazy journey of ups and downs.
What did it all mean?
She stared at her Bible and asked God once again to guide her as she tried navigating this new life. Life on the ranch made her happy, and she’d thought it the fulfillment of so many of her childhood dreams.
But it was also bringing challenges she hadn’t counted on—like her dream horse being a much larger project than she’d ever imagined.
Erin came and sat beside her. “Bible study was pretty intense, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah.” Nicole smiled at her sister. “But Janie came over and talked to me a little, and I don’t feel so weird about speaking up.”
Erin put her arm around Nicole. “You should never feel weird about speaking up. I felt kind of bad, because I realized that with all three of us facing so many losses on top of one another, I didn’t do such a good job of listening to you and what you needed.”
Nicole leaned into Erin and rested her head on her shoulder. “You did the best you could, given your own grief at the time. I love you for that.”
“Thanks. I kind of feel like a jerk for pushing you toward Fernando, saying that you two can help each other with your shared grief. Maybe that’s not what you need.”
&
nbsp; Closing her eyes, Nicole tried to think about what she did need. The truth was, she wasn’t sure anymore.
“It’s okay,” Nicole said, looking up at her sister. “The situation with Fernando is complicated, and I don’t have a clue as to what to do with it.”
Erin gave her another squeeze. “I’m trying to stay out of it, but for what it’s worth, I don’t think he’s a bad guy. He seems to genuinely care about you. So maybe you should talk to him about whatever is complicating things for you and see where that goes. Sometimes I think most of our problems with others happen because we don’t talk about what’s going on and we let it fester for too long.”
“But what if we don’t know if we can trust the other person to tell the truth?”
That was the real issue. Should she talk to Fernando about the things on her mind? Should she clarify that weird moment of attraction so they were on the same page? Certainly. But how would she be able to trust in his answers?
“Good question,” Erin said. “I don’t have an easy answer for you, because it depends. But I think that’s where you have to learn to trust. Sometimes, you’ll be disappointed, but you learn from your mistakes, and other times, you’re going to be pleasantly surprised.”
Ryan ran up to them. “Mom says it’s time to go.”
Nicole straightened and realized the churchyard had thinned out. She’d told Fernando that she wanted to work with Snookie this afternoon, and here she was, keeping him from whatever else he had to do today.
When she got home, Snookie stood tied to the rail, wearing a saddle.
Nicole reached out and patted the horse, glad they seldom dressed up for church, so she could get right to work. “Good girl,” she said. Snookie gave her a soft nudge, acknowledging her presence and making it seem like she was happy to see her.
Fernando came out from around the other side of the barn. “Oh, good. You’re home. I was hoping to give you some saddle time today.”
He untied Snookie and they led her into the round pen. She watched as he began the same basic exercises he always took Snookie through before a ride. Watching him work made her think about how it reflected on his character. She’d said she trusted Fernando with her horse, but not as a person. Animals were said to be good judges of character.
Could there be more to Fernando’s lies than what she’d originally thought? Maybe to him, the white lies weren’t a big deal, and he didn’t know how damaging they were to their relationship.
Fernando paused as he took his hat off and wiped his brow. Though they hadn’t been working long, Fernando had probably been out in the sun for a while, since he’d left church so much earlier than she had.
“Can I get you water or something?” Nicole asked when he directed his gaze toward her.
He nodded. “Sí. I’d like that.”
His brief move to speaking Spanish confirmed her suspicion of how hard he’d been working. She’d noticed that he fell back on it when he was tired or frustrated.
When she returned to the round pen with his water, Fernando walked over to her, leading the horse behind him. “Thank you,” he said. “You didn’t have to do that, but I’m glad you did. I can’t believe how warm it’s gotten out here.”
“And it’s only going to get warmer,” Nicole said. “I understand we’re due for some record highs later in the week.”
He nodded slowly. “We have a few more days of cooler weather we can take advantage of.”
Fernando drank the water. “Much better,” he said. He reached for his hat, like he was going to take it off and pour some water on his head, but then seemed to realize that he couldn’t hold the water bottle in one hand and the horse in the other and accomplish the task.
“Want me to hold Snookie for you?” she asked.
He nodded. “That would be great. If you want, you can do the exercise with her I just was.”
She tried focusing on his words as he dumped water on his head and ran his fingers through his hair. Though she’d been praying for clarity about her relationship with Fernando, moments like these were only more distracting. It seemed crazy that she was finding him even better-looking.
Nicole took a deep breath and gave Snookie a pat. This had to be her focus. Not the handsome man giving her instructions.
As Nicole went through motions she’d watched Fernando do, she could see where patience was so important in working with horses. Fernando had been emphasizing patience in all his lessons, and maybe those lessons applied elsewhere in her life as well.
All the answers she was looking for just needed time and patience.
“Nice job,” Fernando said.
The small praise made her heart do a tiny somersault. She did feel something for him, and spending the week denying it hadn’t changed anything.
She shifted her weight, and Snookie did a weird side step, causing Nicole to lose her balance. Fernando was at her side quickly as she tumbled into his arms.
“I’m okay,” she said. “I wasn’t expecting that, that’s all. But I’m fine now.”
Was it her imagination, or was he holding her a little more tightly than one would do with a mere business associate? Even though he was hot and sweaty, he smelled good. Like leather, horse and something a little spicy.
She fought the temptation to stay in his arms a little longer to breathe in his scent but instead pulled away, then returned to her position in one of the stirrups.
Fernando nodded slowly. “I see that. I’m sorry if I was a little quick on my reaction. From my angle, it looked like you were in for a bad fall, and I didn’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want to give Shane any excuse for saying you can’t work with Snookie anymore.”
She hopped down from the stirrup and landed on the ground, facing him. “Has he said anything more to you?”
Fernando shook his head. “No, but I see how he watches us. How he looks at you. He and your sister may not be married yet, but I can tell that he already considers you his sister. I know how protective a man can be of his sister.”
His voice caught, and she knew he was thinking about Adriana. How had he been able to grieve her? From her friendship with Adriana, she knew that Fernando was a protective older brother, always looking out for her. It must be very difficult for him, knowing what happened to his sister and that he couldn’t protect her or save her. Suddenly, Nicole felt very selfish for making the grief of the accident all about her.
“You miss Adriana, don’t you?”
He nodded slowly, but she could see the questions on his face, like he wasn’t sure he was supposed to answer her question that way.
“It’s okay to miss her. She was your sister. If it were my sisters, I would miss them, too.”
Something about giving Fernando permission to grieve Adriana unleashed something in her as well. Like she was letting go of her own pain, her own grudges, and she felt freer of her burdens than she had in a long time.
The thought of Adriana didn’t hurt as much as it once did. She couldn’t help expressing a silent prayer of gratitude for the healing God had brought into her life through Fernando. She never would have expected it, and, in fact, had fought it. And now she almost wished she hadn’t. Maybe she would have found this peace a lot sooner.
“It’s hard, knowing the right thing to do,” he said. “I did my best to warn her off, and I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to protect her. And even though you know you don’t have complete control over things, it’s still hard to let go.”
Even though she’d already apologized to him many times, she loosened her grip on the reins and stepped forward to give Fernando a gentle hug. “I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m so sorry for how I treated you over it.”
He hugged her back, and even though he had said he’d forgiven her many times and everything was good between them, this felt like they had reached a new place in their relationship. Like the
re was finally a mutual understanding of how complicated everything was, and that they were both willing to accept each other in the midst of all these messy details.
Snookie placed her head on Nicole’s shoulder, giving her a little nudge. She loosened her hold on Fernando and gave the horse a pat. “Don’t worry, Snookie. You’ll always be my first love. My only love.”
Fernando stepped back, chuckling. “She’s definitely a jealous girl,” he said. “In a way, that’s good. It shows that she’s bonded to you, and you mean a lot to her.”
Then he gave Snookie a playful shove. “But you’re not the boss of her. Nicole is the boss, and don’t you forget it.”
His eyes were laughing even though his voice was firm, and Nicole repeated the gesture. “That’s right. I’m the boss.”
She couldn’t say it with as confident a tone as Fernando had, and that only made Fernando chuckle a little harder.
“You’ve got to say it like you mean it.” He smiled at her again. “Think about the kids you teach. They’re sweet and cute, and you just want to hug and cuddle them. But you’ve also got to give them a fair amount of discipline or else they’ll walk all over you and turn into monsters.”
Nicole laughed as she nodded. “And trust me, they do turn into monsters. All those cute little darlings, always getting their own way. They can be a nightmare.”
“What made you want to work with children? With the way you love animals, I would think you would want to go to vet school or something.”
Nicole shrugged. “We went to a career day when we were in school, and one of the places we got to visit was a vet. The first time they gave a horse a shot, I almost passed out. I knew I couldn’t do that.”
“It will save you a lot of money if you learn how to give your animal shots yourself. If we need to do anything with Snookie while I’m here, I’ll be happy to show you. Otherwise, ask Shane about it. I’m sure he’ll have no trouble helping you.”
She knew that Fernando’s time here was only temporary. And yet, hearing him talk about leaving made her feel bad. Who would’ve thought that now she wasn’t sure the man she was so desperate to get rid of should actually leave?
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