by K. R. Reese
I turn to hand Levi his plate and he’s staring at me expectantly. “You’ve had your plane ticket for a month, but you haven’t made any plans on what you’re going to do? Where are you staying?”
I know Levi’s questions are legitimate, and he’s concerned about me being alone, but they also irk me. The dark circles and bloodshot eyes are something I’m familiar with on Mitchell. But seeing it on Levi makes my unease grow.
“I have a hotel booked for a while. Once I’m there, I’ll decide what I really want to do.”
It seems they don’t like my answer, but neither comment.
We finish our food in silence, the tension in the room palpable. Mitch sends Levi a glare before he disappears out the door with regards that he’ll be home to take me to the airport. In the next breath, Levi goes back to his room and I’m alone with my thoughts.
Before I can question whether I really need to know or think about what it will do to our friendship, I follow the same path up the stairs. I can only hope Mitch stays away long enough to get this out of the way.
As I push open his door, he stands and grabs my hand until we’re side by side, lying in his bed.
“Can I ask you something?” I whisper.
Levi pulls back slightly. “What, Maci?”
“Why do you go out with Mitch? You’ve been distant for a while, and I thought it was because I’m leaving, but now I’m wondering if it’s to hide this.” I gesture at his rough appearance. I try not to sound insecure, but it’s hard.
He doesn’t answer me.
Levi pulls me closer, trying to avoid the question. He knows what I’m really asking. “Come on, lie back down, Mace.”
I pull away further. “No.”
He grips my hips harder, groaning in my ear. “Maci, I’m not doing this with you.”
“You have to,” I whisper. “Because you know how I feel about it. You know what’s happened.”
Levi’s off the bed before I can say anything else, and I’m not sure I want to know anymore. What will it accomplish? He’s always smoked weed; that I had no problem with. But this is something else. Something more.
“You’re nagging me.” He stands with his hands on his hips, frustrated. I look for any of the common signs, any of the things I’ve picked up on with Mitchell.
Then he looks around, pats his pockets. Rubs at his nose.
Wait, what? He does it again.
“You wouldn’t.” I’m standing now, too, my back against the door.
“I wouldn’t what?” he sneers, waiting for my answer.
“The paranoia, the hangover. You’re…you,” I say, but I can’t finish my sentences.
Levi stares at me, probably trying to decipher my incoherent words. Meanwhile, my heart is shattering. I clench my jaw to the point of pain. I want to cry. I want to run.
Then he gets it. He understands my reaction. Instantly, his eyes go wide and he comes toward me, wrecked. Levi cradles my face in his hands.
“It’s nothing. It means nothing. It’s just the one time,” he swears. I smack his hands away. “Maci, baby, please.” Levi paces back and forth, his hands pulling at his hair. “What does it matter to you, huh? You’re leaving!”
He comes closer, but I push him away again. He pulls me to the bed to sit anyway, the tears freely flowing down my face. Levi sits on the edge with his back to me, his face in his hands and his elbows on his knees.
“You have to stop.”
“Okay,” he whispers.
“I mean it, Levi. It’s a deal breaker.”
He turns to stare at me. I push forward.
“What would you do if I used?”
“You wouldn’t.”
I’m not stupid. There are plenty of people on campus I could get it from. I’m sure Levi has some on him right now. The thought to prove a point is more alluring than it should be, but I charge forward with my idea anyway.
“But what if I did?”
“I don’t know, Mace, it’s not something I’ve ever considered. It’s not you.”
I scoot forward and lean against his back. I reach for the pocket of his sweats and my fingers find the small bag I knew would be there.
With my lips right below his ear, I ask, “If I asked you to choose, would it be me?”
He laughs, like he thinks I’m joking. “Always,” he says.
“Good.” Then I’m up and sprinting to the bathroom to lock the door behind me.
Chapter 26
Levi
When Maci climbs off the bed, I realize what she’s done too late. All the questions she asked make a lot more sense now than they did five minutes ago. By the time I’m moving, she’s in the bathroom with the door locked. I pound on it, but it doesn’t open.
“Maci,” I yell. “Come on, baby, you don’t want to do this.”
I can hear cabinets and drawers opening and closing, but she still doesn’t answer me.
“Mace, do not fucking do it!”
When I hear something hit the counter, the protector in me overrides everything else. The addict in me overrides rational reasoning. I pound on the door harder, the frame rattling. “Open the goddamn door Maci!”
Then I hear a sputter and a cough, more tapping.
My heart kicks into overdrive, my mind conjuring a million scenarios where this could end horribly. “Maci, I’m going to break this door down! You’ll kill yourself with that shit!”
She coughs again, harder this time, and I slam into the door with my shoulder.
“Maci, baby, please stop.” I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “Please, Mace, don’t do this. You’re not this person.”
The lock clicks on the door and I shove my way inside. She’s standing between the sink and toilet, leaning against the wall with her head down. I slam my hands on either side of her head and urge her to meet my gaze.
“What the fuck did you do?” I seethe.
But the question is pointless. The evidence is on the sink, and anger courses through my veins. “That what you want, Maci? Do you want to become a monster, too? Want to be like me? Like Mitch?” My voice raises with every question.
Maci refuses to answer, stepping into me. When I don’t move, she shoves harder.
I smile maliciously. “Ah, little miss Maci suddenly grow some strength?” My words are cruel and calculated, meant to evoke a reaction, but she gives me none.
Suddenly I’m yanked back out of the bathroom, met with Mitch’s hard stare. “What the fuck, Levi?”
I throw him off and nod my head toward his sister. “Maybe you should ask the one who’s high as a fucking kite right now.” My voice is no longer raised. I sound defeated, at a loss.
He looks at the sink, then at Maci and turns his glare back at me. “You just fucking gave it to her? What the hell!”
“I didn’t give her shit.”
Maci finally moves from the bathroom and lays on my bed with her eyes closed. “He’s right, Mitch, he didn’t give it to me. I stole it from him. Because no one seems to be able to choose me over that.” Then she opens her eyes and black stares back at me. For once, there’s nothing I can say to her.
***
Mitch and I left Maci to sleep off anything she could before her flight. When it’s time to leave, he got her out of bed, and they’ve talked the entire ride like nothing happened.
Maci hasn’t said a word to me. She’s pissed that I lied to her. Hell, I’m pissed. At myself. At her. I never thought she would touch drugs. But I guess I never really talked to her about them either.
Now, as we stand at the gate for her flight to New York, I’m…scared. Maci’s never been alone. She’s always had Mitchell, and then both of us once I met them. A big city can be overwhelming for anyone. But she’s suffered a lot already, and I don’t know what this could do to her. I also couldn’t help but notice that she put her wristbands back on either. I can only hope they’re more for comfort than to hide anything.
As Mitch tells her goodbye, I give them space and grab her a
coffee. When I get back to the gate, I pass by Mitch and he stops me with a hand on my shoulder.
“Don’t be too hard on her. I don’t like what she did today any more than you do. Because we both know how this could play out. But she’s having a hard time with her choice to leave.”
I nod and make my way toward Maci where she’s sitting with her legs pulled to her chest and her feet on the chair. In this moment, she reminds me of the girl I found scribbling in a notebook at the pavilion on campus. That seems like so long ago now.
I sit beside her and extend the coffee out to her. “You okay, Mace?” I finally ask and pull her into my side.
“I’m good. I think. I’m not sure caffeine is the right answer with how I feel right now, but thank you.”
I chuckle lightly. I shouldn’t, what she did this morning isn’t funny. But I remember the first time I did it, and the way it made me feel. “That’ll wear off. Just sleep on the plane. You should be fine once you land.”
She smiles, but it’s short lived. “I didn’t say it was a bad feeling.” She whispers the words as if they’re bad to say. Which, I guess, in this case they are.
Alarms start going off in my head and I twist to look at her. She still has her sunglasses perched on her nose, even though we’re inside. I carefully slide them off to find the amber eyes I love so much engulfed in black. It makes my stomach twist uncomfortably.
“Mace, no, you can’t think like that. That’s how addictions start. I know you think it feels good right now, but that feeling doesn’t last.” I sigh and run my hand through my hair. “I know I can’t judge you for what you did today. I know I shouldn’t lecture you on letting that feeling run your thoughts. But, please, trust me when I tell you that you don’t need to start thinking that way.”
Maci stares at me, then looks down at the floor. “Are you still pissed at me?”
“I’m not going to lie to you, Maci, because yeah, I am. A little. I can understand why you did it. But that doesn’t make it right either. I was worried. You wouldn’t unlock the door, and if you had done too much…” I let my voice trail off. The panic I had felt when I realized what she planned to do wrecked me. And to see her now, to know it’s my fault. I’ll never forgive myself.
“God…I hate this.” She drops her chin to her knees, her arms wrapped around her legs. “I’ve done so much. So many things that I wish I’d done differently. With myself and with Mitchell. With you.”
I nudge my shoulder against hers. “We all have, Mace. You learn from it and move on.”
Before she can say anything more, they call her flight for boarding and we both stand.
“I can’t believe you’re actually going through with this and leaving.”
Maci’s fingers thread through mine as she shakily laughs. “I appreciate you so much, Levi, more than you’ll ever know.”
“Why does that sound like a goodbye? Like I’ll never see you again?”
“I’ll come back. I just don’t know when. After today…After knowing what I do about you and Mitch, everything that was hidden right under my nose. I need some time to myself. To find out who I am.”
I release her hands and wrap my arms around her, wishing like hell I didn’t have to let her go. I’ve never been one to cry, but the burn in my eyes from unshed tears is present as I see the strong, confident Maci standing in front of me. Someone who’s been through more than most people can even imagine, but still came out the other side a better person.
“You better call as soon as you get there,” I laugh. “I love you, Scribbles.”
A sob escapes at the use of the old nickname, and she buries her face in my chest.
“You have a flight to catch.” I rub her back before she pulls away.
“I love you, Levi. Take care of yourself. Take care of Mitch.”
I nod and watch her walk away.
Once I can no longer see her, I walk back to my car where Mitch is waiting.
“There’s a party at Axel’s tonight. You in?”
I glance at him before I pull out into traffic and head home. A party is exactly what we both need to get our mind off Maci.
“I’m in.”
Chapter 27
Levi
It’s been a few weeks since Maci left for New York, and I’m on the verge of losing my shit. She sent a text to both me and Mitchell when she arrived, but it’s been radio silence since. I haven’t asked Mitch if he’s talked to her because he’s miserable, too.
In the meantime, I’m surrounded with endless parties, booze, and drugs. Now that Maci isn’t here, and it seems she has no plans to communicate with me, I have nothing to hold on to. Nothing to lose. For all I know, she’s found someone else to lean on.
I have to remind myself that I was only her support system. At least until the incident that happened the day she left. Then I was nothing more than a reminder of her past, of everything bad in her life. I had also promised that I would give her the space she asked for when we said goodbye at the airport. I just didn’t think that meant not speaking to her for so long.
When you’re alone with your thoughts for days and nights on end, some of them reminding you of your worst fears, it can drive you mad. I’ve sat in her room for hours, wondering if I’m holding onto something that wasn’t mine, and never will be. Of course, her empty space never provides any answers.
I go to crack open a beer when Mitch storms through the door and throws my keys at me. I sit the beer on the table and wait him out. He’s furious, that much is clear, and he’ll tell me why eventually. But as he paces back and forth, a haunted look in his eyes, my thoughts go right back to Maci. It’s the only time I’ve ever seen that expression on his face.
After a few more minutes, I get up and block his continuous steps. “What’s wrong?” I ask and cross my arms.
“What’s wrong? What’s fucking wrong?” Mitch laughs and tosses his phone toward me. I catch it effortlessly, but don’t look at what he’s showing me yet. I want him to tell me. “I texted Maci last night to check in. I haven’t heard from her in a few days. She couldn’t even fucking reply.” I stare down at the messages on the screen, my heart beating wildly in my chest. Mitch continues talking. “I called her after that last message because she still wasn’t making any sense. Every word out of her mouth was slurred. She couldn’t even stay awake to have a conversation. Something’s wrong.”
Fear and adrenaline rush through my system. Maci has never been a heavy drinker. She hasn’t done much of anything. And when she has, it’s never been too bad. Definitely not enough so she couldn’t talk.
“What do you want to do, Mitch?”
“Pack a bag, Levi, we’re going to New York.”
We both dash up the stairs and pack a small carry-on. As I speed down the highway to the airport, Mitch secures us two tickets to the city. By the time I park in long-term parking, we almost miss boarding our plane.
Once we’re in our seats, I stare out the window. Mitch sits quietly beside me. “What are you going to say to her once we get there? Maybe she just had a few too many drinks.”
He stares at me incredulously, asking silently if I really believe that. Thing is, I don’t believe it, but I’m trying to calm his nerves. He thinks a moment and shakes his head. “I don’t know what to say to her. I just need to know she’s okay.”
“Do you know where she’s staying?”
“Yeah, and there’s already a room key waiting. Maci made sure the hotel had our names in case we ever wanted to visit.”
Deep down, I think Maci gave the hotel our information for a different reason. If we wanted to visit, we would talk to her first; she could meet us in the lobby. I think the real reason the hotel will give us access to her room was Maci’s way of feeling protected, feeling safe if anything were to happen.
I don’t tell Mitch any of this, of course, because he’s lost in his own turmoil.
We’re quiet the rest of the flight, both dozing off until the attendant tells us we need to buck
le our seatbelts for landing.
When we exit the gate and head outside, I glance at Mitch. “You ready for this?”
“Not in the least.”
Chapter 28
Maci
The brightness against my eyelids makes me groan, and I roll away from it as thoughts swirl through my mind. All the plans I had made before coming to New York disappeared after one day here. The city was overwhelming. It was still overwhelming. There’s a lot I should have thought about before moving alone.
But I have made some friends, if you can really call them that. We party together, and that’s usually all we do. But they don’t know who I am, and they never ask for anything. I’ve never been huge on the party crowds. That’s always been more Mitch’s scene. I know my brother wouldn’t approve of my choices now, even if that makes him a hypocrite. I came to New York to find myself, to become someone new. I can’t let thoughts of Mitch and Levi take that away from me.
I will admit, though, that the quiet sadness stretched between all of us is something I never expected. We’ve been close for so long now that it feels like something is missing from my life.
When I’ve finally had enough of trying to go back to sleep, I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling. I feel like there’s a boulder weighing down on my head, but I start to recall fragmented pieces from last night.
Drinking at the club. Dancing with random men. Drugs on the table in my suite.
I’m pretty sure I sent some fucked up text messages. I vaguely remember talking on my phone. But the rest is one big blur. I scramble out of bed in search of my phone, hoping to find some clue as to what happened last night, but all I’m able to find are a handful of garbled text messages sent to Mitch.
Oh shit.
I scroll through his messages that ask if I’m okay. Most of my replies don’t make any sense, but once I’ve read them all, I know I messed up.
I quickly dial his number, but it goes straight to voicemail. I hang up and dial Levi, but his phone does the same thing.
I send a message instead. Maybe he’ll see it when he turns his phone on.
