Fashionably Fooled

by peterman, robyn

  “How am I supposed to know?” Wrath shrieked. “And who do you think you are to speak to me like that? You are nothing—a Vampyre-Demon hybrid. I am Wrath. I can end you.”

  “Mmmkay,” Astrid said calmly, holding her power in check with great effort. “While that’s illuminating, not sure it’s pertinent right now. You’re a million years older than I am. Didn’t you think this out?”

  Wrath growled and closed her eyes. “Just do some fucking magic and make it true.”

  “Sure,” Astrid said with a shrug and chanted in a language that was pure gibberish.

  “Did it work?” Wrath demanded.

  “Do you still believe you’re the true heir to Hell?” Astrid asked in a pleasant tone, throwing Wrath slightly off her game.

  She nodded jerkily.

  “Then I’d guess it worked,” Astrid said. “Hand me the child.”

  “Need to kill him just in case,” Wrath said with a sickening grin as the tattoos danced in a staccato rhythm. The glare off her skin intensified. One had to squint to actually gaze at her. “Wouldn’t want to take any chances.”

  I was done.

  “I will give you one opportunity to put the boy down, drop your weapons and surrender. There is no way this will end well for you,” I said as fire covered my body and licked at my skin. The only three who stayed close to me were Elle, Mother Nature and God. They were the only beings alive who could withstand my flame. “If you quit while you’re ahead, the punishment will not be as harsh.”

  I watched as the other six traded covert glances and tried to communicate silently. None of them wanted to be part of this. Of that I was sure. They would still be punished if they walked away now, but it would be nothing compared to what I would do to them if they stayed.

  “I will count to three,” I snarled as Dixie moved forward and stared at her sisters.

  “Walk away,” she pleaded as tears streamed down her cheeks. “You are so much better than this.”

  “Shut up, you little piece of trash,” Wrath snarled as spittle flew from her mouth. “I should end you as well for your uppity ways. In fact, that will be first on my list once I get rid of the son of a bitch, and I’m the ruler of Hell.”

  “The son of a bitch is giving you one last chance,” I said in a tone so cold the other six girls trembled and began to cry. “One. Two. Three.”

  As Envy, Greed, Sloth, Gluttony, Lust and Pride dropped their weapons and stepped forward, my Generals took them into custody faster than a blink of an eye. The weapons were gathered just as quickly.

  “You’re weak,” Wrath shouted at her sisters who refused to make eye contact. “Nothing. You are nothing. I will not spare you. You deserted me.”

  “Basement,” I growled, sending the six to the worst part of Hell. It would be centuries before I would look upon any of them again… if ever. They would not die but would wish they had.

  They were dragged crying and screaming from the Grand Ballroom. I felt nothing. However, the seventh? I despised.

  “Put the baby down and step away,” I instructed.

  From the corner of my eye, I realized Murry the badass was still behind Wrath. I wasn’t sure if this was advantageous or catastrophic. A thin stream of almost undetectable gold smoke wafted across the room, and Murry quietly inhaled. He paused for a moment and then nodded at Mammy. If I wasn’t mistaken, they were communicating. Mammy glanced over at me and grinned. She blew a smoke ring at me.

  Was I supposed to snort it? Eat it? The disgusting possibilities were endless.

  Mammy pointed to her own nose and winked. Here went nothing. Inhaling, I almost roared in agony as the golden mist entered my lungs. It burned hotter than any fire I’d ever experienced. With every bit of strength I owned, I stood still and took it.

  “Can ya hear me, Lord of Dark Shit?” Mammy questioned inside my mind.

  “Yes,” I replied, not looking over at her. “You can call me Lucifer. I think we’ve come that far considering I just inhaled your snot which incinerated all of my internal organs.”

  Mammy cackled. “Wasn’t no snot, ya dummy.”

  “That’s certainly a relief,” I said, watching Wrath like a hawk. “Is there a reason you wanted to talk right now? I’m a little busy.”

  “Yep, I can see that. Ya got a plan, Lucifer Dark Shit?”

  “Not exactly. However, I’m sure it will end in the demise of Wrath.”

  “I like the way ya think,” Mammy said. “Keep her talking. Tell her yer gonna do exactly what she wants. I need a little time to make sure Murry doesn’t fuck up.”

  “Can’t say that sounds promising,” I replied, feeling tension in every part of my body.

  “My boy ain’t called Murry the badass fer nothin’,” Mammy assured me. “Boy’s got my genes. He’s a killer.”

  “Do you think I’m stupid? I’m not handing the little bastard over,” Wrath screamed. “If I die, he dies with me. Swear to me that I’m the true heir of Hell and then take your own life. I will let the child live if you comply.”

  “I can freeze time,” Elle whispered with her eyes glued to Wrath as she continued to yell.

  “The knife could still prick the child in the split second it will take for the magic to take hold,” God said quietly.

  “Don’t risk it,” I said, tightly. “I’m going to give her what she wants.”

  “What?” Elle hissed. “Have you lost your mind?”

  “Millions of years ago,” I told her. “Trust me.”

  Glancing over at Mammy, she nodded. I was betting my son’s life on the skills of a Dragon who trimmed nether regions, and her son who was missing brain cells. Right now, I saw no other choice.

  “I can’t die without the Sword of Death,” I said flatly to Wrath. “You know this as well as I do.”

  “Get it,” Wrath snapped with a nasty smile as her body relaxed slightly. She was beginning to feel more confident in her success.

  “It will take some time,” I replied then turned to Lizard who had choked up on his baseball bat ready to go for the kill. “Lizard, transport to Purgatory and summon Mr. Rogers. Have him bring the Sword of Death to Hell. Let him know I need to kill myself.”

  “Umm… sure,” Lizard said, looking at me strangely.

  Lizard knew as well as I did that Fred Rogers was in Hell right now, in the very same room we were standing in. Fred was a poker buddy and joined me at game night every Tuesday. He rode the party bus down from Heaven where he resided. His job was in Purgatory—the most boring fucking place in the Universe. He was indeed the protector of the Sword of Death—the only instrument that could kill a True Immortal.

  “You want me to go to Purgatory? Right now? And get Mr. Rogers?” Lizard asked, perplexed.

  “Yes,” I said. “It will probably take you a few hours to locate Fred. He likes to play hide and seek.”

  Hopefully Mammy wouldn’t need more than a few hours to make sure Murry didn’t fuck up.

  “So, should I play hide and seek with him, my liege?” Lizard inquired with the smallest of grins.

  “If that’s what it takes to get him to give up the Sword of Death, then yes,” I replied as Lizard nodded his head. “You might want to pretend to be King Friday.”

  “Not a problem. Is Mr. Rogers a good hider?” Lizard asked.

  “He is,” I confirmed, glancing Fred’s way to make sure he understood my bizarre directive. “Leave at once. Wrath has promised to let my son live if I off myself. I’d like to get this over with. The sooner the better.”

  “As you wish,” Lizard said as he disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

  Fred had slowly lowered himself to the floor and was now hiding under a table. He was a smart man and a damn good poker player. Steve Perry and Dr. Ruth moved in front of the table to block anyone from seeing him. I realized in that moment I didn’t need Steve Perry to be my BFF. I had everyone I needed already. I just needed to make sure none of them were taken from me.

  “It shall be done,” I said coolly. />
  “That’s good,” Wrath said as the colorful tattoos on her skin morphed to a dull gray. “Tell the Demon Army they have to obey me upon your death.”

  “They heard you,” I replied. “If you are indeed the true heir to the throne of Hell you will have no problem.”

  “Don’t get yer panties in a wad about the fire,” Mammy warned. “Yer boy loves it.”

  “What fire? What do you mean?” I demanded.

  “Just don’t freak. Ya feel me Lucifer Dark Junk?”

  “I feel you,” I said. “What about the others in the room? Will they be safe?

  “Can yer mamma cast another barrier spell?”

  “Mother, Mammy wants you to cast a barrier spell,” I whispered.

  “How do you know this?” she asked, glancing casually over at Mammy.

  “Don’t ask. Can you do it?” I asked under my breath.

  “Yes,” my mother replied. “Where does she want it?”

  “Where?” I asked Mammy.

  “Around everyone in the room except me, Murry, Wrath, the baby and you,” she instructed.

  “His name is Luke,” I told Mammy.

  He wasn’t just the baby. He had a name. A name made one real.

  “That’s a real fine name, Lucifer Dark Crap. Real fine,” Mammy said. “Tell yer momma to cast the spell when I sneeze. Ya got that?”

  “I do,” I said tersely as Elle took my hand and held it tight. “There are other True Immortals here who can’t die. Do you want them inside the barrier as well?”

  “Is there anyone of ‘em who love yer boy as much as you do?” she asked.

  “Elle,” I told her. “Elle loves our son as much as I do.”

  “Then leave her on the outside,” Mammy said.

  “When Mammy sneezes, cast the spell. Leave me, Elle, Mammy, Murry, Wrath and Luke on the outside of the barrier,” I directed, barely moving my lips.

  “His name is Luke?” my mother asked, clasping her hands to her chest.

  “It is,” I replied tersely. “Get ready.”

  “What are we supposed to do?” Elle asked, looking down at the floor so Wrath wouldn’t see we were talking.

  “I have no fucking clue,” I muttered. “Mammy?”

  “Yep?”

  “What do you want Elle and me to do?”

  “Catch the baby—I mean Luke.”

  “Okay,” I said, glancing over at her as she winked again.

  “What did she say?” Elle asked.

  “We’re to catch the baby,” I replied.

  “I can do that,” Elle said with confidence. “I can do that with my eyes closed. Luke belongs in my arms.”

  Mammy sneezed. My mother cast the invisible barrier spell, and Murry the badass went from corporeal to a wisp of pale golden smoke. The Immortals trapped behind the barrier, watched in surprised shock. I was mesmerized as Murry floated up to an oblivious Wrath and wound himself around the handle of her dagger.

  Dragons were fucking amazing.

  “Ya want some beans-n-franks while we wait fer Mr. Rogers?” Mammy asked a confused Wrath.

  “Are you speaking to me?” Wrath demanded, narrowing her eyes at the old woman.

  Wrath hated other women. Wrath hated everyone. I would like to think she hated herself, but she was no longer capable of rational or introspective thought. It didn’t matter.

  “Yep,” Mammy said, holding up a bowl. “It’s real damn good.”

  Murry had secured himself around the dagger and yanked it from Wrath’s hands. At the same moment the knife was removed, Mammy snorted out a fireball that set Wrath ablaze. Screaming in agony, she began to slap at her flaming skin to put out the fire. In her crazed frenzy, she dropped the baby.

  “NO,” Elle growled.

  Elle hissed and flew like a Demon out of the bowels of Hell to snatch Luke before he hit the ground, but Mammy beat her to it. Elle slammed into the edge of the barrier and bounced back with such force it took both of us down.

  With the baby secured safely in her arms, Mammy blew an inferno from her nose like I’d never seen. Wrath roared and shot death magic back as fast as she could. Mammy opened her mouth wide and swallowed it as quickly as it came at her.

  “Catch,” Mammy grunted as she took violent hit after hit.

  Throwing Luke to Elle, she continued to deflect the vicious magic pouring from Wrath.

  Mammy had paled to the point of translucent. Luke was safe. It was time to end this shit.

  “Enough,” I bellowed as I trapped Wrath in a spell that made every single blast of magic she shot come back on her tenfold. I watched dispassionately as her own fury tore her from limb to limb leaving nothing but ash. The only remaining part of my daughter were remnants of her tattoos that slithered across the floor before vanishing.

  For a brief moment, a wave of something I could only call regret for what might have been came over me. Many centuries ago, I had felt something for my daughter, but she’d systematically shredded it with her anger and murderous ways. I should have ended her long before now.

  Ironically, she ended herself. She would have survived if she hadn’t been shooting death magic at Mammy. Karma was a bitch. With a slice of my hand through the air, the carnage Wrath had created and all evidence of Wrath herself disappeared.

  She was gone for good.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Lucifer,” Elle cried out. “Help me.”

  Whipping around, my chest tightened to the point it was difficult to breathe. The sound that left my lips was inhuman. Mammy lay as still as death on the floor. I moved faster than an Immortal eye could follow and took the broken woman in my arms. Her body was so small and light, it felt as if I was holding a child. My lips compressed into a flat line as I gently brushed the hair away from the old Dragon’s face. I foolishly waited for her to wink at me.

  Silently, I willed her to come back and say something ridiculous. I tried to reach inside her mind and let her know I was ready for my trim. I called out to her for what felt like eternity, but there was no answer.

  Mammy had left the building, and her finale would be one I would never forget.

  In a blast of golden smoke Murry became corporeal, dropped to his knees with a keening wail and laid his head on his mother’s chest. His cries echoed through the Grand Ballroom. Elle sat down on the floor next to him and rocked back and forth as Luke reached for Mammy and cried as well.

  “Fuck,” I hissed as I slowly put my hand on Murry’s head to comfort him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  “Me too,” Murry said, with tears rolling down his cheeks. “She was a good Mammy. Always said she wanted to go out in a blaze of glory. She sure as Hell did.”

  I was at a loss for words. The woman had saved the life of my son. She’d brought him into the world and died making sure he would stay. In her weakened state, she had defended Luke, and it had cost her everything. Elle put one arm around Murry as she held Luke in the other.

  “She’s gone?” my mother asked as she leaned down and cupped Mammy’s pale cheek in her hand.

  I nodded jerkily. Normally, I was unaffected by death. Wrath’s death meant nothing to me. It had been a long time coming. Mammy’s death? Mammy’s death was a harsh blow.

  The barrier had been lifted, and we were surrounded by family and friends. Silently, all paid their respects to Mammy by laying hands on Murry’s head. Several times his mullet wig went askew, and each time, I readjusted it. I was certain I was covered in hives for my good deed. However, it was the right thing to do. I’d simply have to make up for it by being horrible tomorrow.

  The last in line was Jesus.

  “May I?” he asked Murry as he gently caressed Mammy’s cheek. “I’d like to take her home.”

  “Who are ya?” Murry asked warily. “Are ya from Tennessee?”

  I was a bit crestfallen. I had hoped Mammy would land in my neck of the Universe. I would have set her soul up in style and treated her like a Queen. However, it didn’t surprise me that Mammy wa
s destined for my brother’s house.

  “I’m Jesus,” he said.

  “Are you shittin’ me?” Murry yelled in surprise. “The real Jesus?”

  Jesus chuckled and nodded. “The real Jesus.”

  “Mammy’s goin’ Upstairs?” Murry blubbered, carefully taking his mother from my arms and handing her to Jesus. “She’s gonna be real surprised by that. She’ll just shit a dang brick.”

  “Mammy’s methods were a little questionable, but her heart was pure,” Jesus said as a soft golden light surrounded him. “She will be your Angel now, Murry.”

  “Well, now that’s some crazy shee-ott. Yer gonna take good care of her?” Murry asked, still sniffling as he leaned in and kissed his mother’s ashen cheek.

  “I will. I promise to take care of her like she was my own child,” Jesus assured him as he began to fade away in the golden light.

  “Don’t let her trim ya,” Murry yelled before Jesus vanished. “Her aim sucks. Might lose yer pecker.”

  “Did he really just tell Jesus he might lose his pecker?” my mother asked with wide eyes.

  “He did,” I said, grinning and shaking my head. “Heaven will never be the same after Mammy arrives.”

  “Your father won’t believe any of this,” she muttered and wandered off.

  “You’d be surprised how fun Heaven can be, brother,” God said as he held out his hand to pull me to my feet. “Lunch next week?”

  “Ulterior motives?” I questioned with a raised brow.

  “Of course,” God replied with a chuckle. “I’ll get reservations at that little bistro in Italy for Wednesday.”

  After nodding my assent, God disappeared in a blast of silver mist taking his Angels and doves with him.

  “Lord of Dark Shit?” Murry asked.

  “Yes, Murry?”

  “Ya want me to go back to Tennessee?” he asked, looking down at his feet. “I mean, my work here is kinda done and all.”

  “Umm…”

  Elle shot me a look and pulled a dull butter knife from her pocket. She aimed it straight at the crotch of my pants and waited to hear my answer.