My Blue

by Jacobs, Emery

  “Did Gracie say whether or not you’ve been here before? I didn’t think to ask her.”

  She shakes her head slowly. “No, we really didn’t talk about it, so I’m not sure if we came here together or if she brought our stuff here alone.”

  I move away from her and walk toward the island that separates the kitchen from the living room, dropping her bag on the counter before turning around to face her. Blue’s biting her bottom lip as her eyes take in every single inch of the living room and kitchen.

  “I can’t stand this, Leo. Gracie told me that I have a life in New Orleans. One that I know nothing about. If you asked me my address, I couldn’t give it to you. I don’t remember my phone number or any of my friends. I didn’t even know the security code to be able to use my damn phone.” She pinches the bridge of her nose and closes her eyes. “The only reason I was able to use my phone is because of Gracie. She knew the code. What am I supposed to do, Leo? Please just tell me what to do.”

  Stay with me forever.

  I move swiftly across the room to get to her. It’s so fucking hard seeing her like this. She’s nervous, scared, and broken.

  Blue opens her eyes and they’re begging me to help her, but how? How can I be the person she needs? Maybe she should’ve gone home with Gracie. At least then she would’ve been around people who are currently part of her life instead of staying here with me, living in the past.

  I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her in for a hug. I know touching her is wrong, but she needs me—and to be honest, I need her, too.

  “Hey, it’s going to be okay.” I pull away from the hug and look down at her face. Her perfect skin is splotchy and her eyes are glassy and dull. I smile, giving her a lopsided grin. “You’ll remember.”

  “Will I? That’s what the doctors say, but I only half believe them.” She steps back, moving away from me. “They don’t know what happened to me. Hell, I don’t even know what happened to me.”

  “Ella Blue, you have amnesia. You’re gonna get better.” God, I hope I’m right.

  “But how? I didn’t hit my head. I never lost consciousness. There’s not a scratch on me anywhere. The cop found me wandering through town, which I don’t remember. He took me to the hospital—something else I don’t remember. The doctor in the ER ran all the tests—still no memory. I was given something to help me sleep, because according to the nurses, I was hysterical. When I woke up, I was so relieved, because I finally remembered something.” Her voice gets louder the longer she talks. “Do you want to know what my first memory was?” The tears are falling and her breaths are quick like she’s gasping for air.

  I don’t respond. I watch and listen and wait, because I know she’s far from finished.

  “You! You were my first memory! Me, you, and Redwood Park. It was my seventeenth birthday. You kissed me and held me and called me your Blue. We were so fucking happy—until the cops showed up and took you away.” She rubs her nose and wipes the tears from her eyes, and then she laughs. It’s not a normal, sweet Ella Blue laugh. It has an angry edge to it. “You know, I actually thought that was still my life. I thought you were still in jail and I was still seventeen.”

  Fuck. I want to help her remember what happened the night she forgot her life…but how? Gracie should be here, or Ella Blue should be with Gracie back home, because I’m not equipped for this.

  Tears fall from her eyes again. Dammit! I hate it when she cries.

  “Maybe you need to rest. I’ll go check out the bedrooms and find your stuff. Then you can take a nap.” My eyes dart from her to the hallway where I assume the bedrooms are located.

  “I’ve been resting for the past three days. I don’t need to rest. I don’t need a nap. What I need is to remember.”

  I’ve never seen this side of Ella Blue. She’s mad, frustrated, and borderline hysterical, and I don’t know what the fuck to do about it or how to fix it.

  “Okay. Then what do you want to do? Just tell me and I’ll make it happen.” I speak the words like I’m a wizard who can magically make everything in her world right again.

  Her eyes jerk to mine; they are so damn full of sadness. “I want you to hold me like you always do.”

  She’s right. That’s what I always did. Whether it was a bad day or a fight with her parents, she would crawl into my lap and wrap her arms around me. I’d hold her for as long as it took to make the sadness go away.

  So, if that’s what she wants, I’ll give it to her. I slowly make my way over to the weathered, brown leather couch. Once I’m seated, Ella moves toward me with quick, deliberate steps.

  When I look into her eyes, she’s silently begging me to save her from whatever it is that’s keeping her trapped in the past. How can I save her when I can’t even save myself?

  “Thank you,” she whispers against my skin as she slides into my lap. She throws a leg on either side of me and wraps her arms around my neck. Ella Blue rests her cheek on my shoulder, sighing with contentment. My hands ache to touch her, hold her, and pull her in so tightly until we’re one person, but I won’t allow myself to go there with her, not yet. Once I let down the steel wall surrounding my heart, it’s all over for me.

  “Leo,” she whispers softly.

  “Yeah?” My body is rigid and my arms are stuck to my sides like glue.

  “You don’t want to touch me, do you?” She lifts her head from my shoulder.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to touch you.” I’m frustrated, unsure, and unwilling to lead her on. I have no right to make her think we can just pick up where we left off eight years ago.

  “Then what is it?” She’s staring at my profile, because I don’t trust myself to look at her, and I’m not sure what emotions are written all over my fucking face.

  “I don’t know what to say to you anymore.”

  “The truth would be nice. I may have lost my memory, but I’m still me, the same Ella Blue you grew up with. The only difference is I’m not a teenager anymore. I’m an adult with adult thought processes, so don’t treat me like a child.” Her hands rest on my shoulders, and I have a feeling she’s glaring at me.

  I turn my head until my gaze meets hers. Her brown eyes are darker than usual, but I can still read her emotions. She can’t hide her feelings from me.

  “Okay. The truth is that I don’t think us picking up where we left off eight years ago is a good idea. I’m afraid one of us will get hurt, and I never want to hurt you.” Even though I’m sure it will be my dumb ass who gets shit on…again.

  Ella’s eyes suddenly become glassy for about the tenth time this afternoon. She opens her mouth to speak, but no words come out.

  Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! “Please don’t cry.” I cup her face in my hands just as the tears begin to fall. “What I mean is I’m not sure about us falling back into the way things were eight years ago, because a lot of life has happened since then.” I hesitate a beat. “For both of us. I don’t want to give you the wrong idea, because our lives are in two different places. Mine is here in Idlewood, and yours is somewhere else.” That’s the only thing I know to say, because I know she’s been living in New Orleans, but I don’t really know where her life is right now. I search her eyes for something, anything that will give her back everything she’s lost. What could have happened to her that night that caused her to forget her life?

  I add, “I don’t even know why you left town. Nobody would tell me anything except that you weren’t coming back. You were here one minute and gone the next.” I’ve missed you, Ella Blue, so fucking much.

  “Leo, I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry for leaving. I wish I could tell you more, but I can’t, because I don’t know where I went or even how I got there. My parents know. They have to, but honestly, I’m not sure if I’ve had any kind of relationship with them since I left here.” She wraps her hands around my wrists and squeezes tightly. “Please understand I’m not asking you to regress back to the way our life was when we were kids. I do realize how much time has passed and
that you have a life.” She leans toward me and rests her forehead against mine. “Leo…”

  “Ella,” I whisper.

  “Do you have a girlfriend?” Her voice is raspy, still quiet.

  “No girlfriend, just a few friends and a job. What about you? Do you have a boyfriend?” I regret the question the second it leaves my mouth. How the fuck does she know if she has a boyfriend, or even a husband?

  “Nope, I’m single. I asked Gracie earlier, and she said I was dating her cousin, Asa, but we’ve been broken up for a while.”

  “How long did you date?”

  Why am I asking a question I really don’t want to know the answer to?

  “A year. That’s what Gracie said.”

  Why does this make me fucking jealous? Stop asking questions. Her relationship status shouldn’t matter anyway. I’m here to help her regain her memory, not date her.

  My hands fall from her face and I relax into the soft pillows of the couch. Blue wiggles her hips a couple times before resting her head on my shoulder. My dick twitches with her movement. Now would be a good time to shift her off my lap and onto the couch, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it.

  “Will you stay with me tonight?” she whispers against my skin.

  My head falls back until it’s resting on the couch. I squeeze my eyes closed as I contemplate her question. I can’t believe she asked me to stay the night after the conversation we just had. I don’t want to do anything stupid, like spend the night and kiss every square inch of her body until we both explode and then bury myself deep inside her. My damn dick twitches again with that thought. Dammit!

  “If you can’t, I understand. I’ll be okay. It’s just that…” She lifts her head from my shoulder. “I thought we could eat takeout and talk for a while.”

  I lift my head from the couch and look into her eyes. “I’ll stay.” A knot forms in my chest as soon as the words leave my mouth.

  She smiles before leaning in and kissing me quickly on the cheek. “Thank you.” The darkness of her eyes brightens, and the sadness disappears.

  I force a smile, and at the same time I’m ignoring the voice in the back of my mind that is on constant replay: You’re a fucking idiot.

  15

  Leo

  “You spent the night with Ella Blue, didn’t you?” My brother’s angry tone punches me in the face the second I walk into the shop in the morning.

  Yesterday, after Ella and I talked for a few hours, I brought Beau’s truck back to the shop and got my bike. I made the mistake of telling him I was spending the day with her so I wouldn’t be coming in to work. Then I made a bigger mistake and told him I’d probably be staying the night at her place. I didn’t give him any details on what’s going on with her, and surprisingly, he didn’t ask any questions. Now, though, I’m regretting ever opening my big mouth.

  I nod as I walk past him toward the older model Jeep I’ve been working on for the past few days.

  There’s so much shit in my life right now that’s out of my control—Ella’s amnesia, my feelings for her, and my Vette being stolen. So, rather than dwell on the things I can’t change, I’ve decided to focus on something I can control: my happiness. And right now, keeping Ella Blue safe and putting a smile on her face makes me happy. So, I gave her what she wanted last night. I spent the night with her. Now, even though my brother is being a dick about it, I’m glad I did. We talked, ate takeout, and laughed. I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun.

  “Wait a minute—you don’t get to give me a nod and keep on walking.” He’s irritated, but he’ll get over it.

  I stop and glance back at my brother. “I don’t have time to talk to you about this right now.”

  When he doesn’t respond, I continue my trek toward the Jeep.

  “I don’t think you staying the night with Ella was a good idea,” he eventually says.

  I stop again, but this time I don’t look back at him. “You couldn’t say that to my face? You have to wait until I’m walking away?”

  Normally, Beau is the quiet sibling and I’m the one who speaks my mind no matter what the consequences may be. Lately, though, my big brother has been putting himself in the middle of my business, and it’s pissing me off.

  I spin around until I’m facing him, because if I don’t hear him out now, he’ll spend the rest of the day lecturing me on why I need to stay away from Ella Blue.

  “What the hell, man? Back the fuck up.” My brother is standing so close to me I can smell the minty scent of the gum he’s chewing. He’s pissed, his gaze locked on mine and his eyes dark.

  “I don’t think you staying the night with Ella was a good idea,” he repeats, but this time we’re standing toe-to-toe. “Is this better? Me saying it to your face?”

  I take a couple steps backward, putting distance between us before I chuckle. “When was the last time I actually made a good decision?”

  “That’s exactly what I’m worried about—your piss-poor decision-making skills.”

  “Damn, man, ease up some. Take a deep breath and relax. I’m just kidding. Look, I’m being smart, and I promise not to do anything I’ll regret.” Okay, I’ll probably regret everything that happens between me and Blue, but he doesn’t need to know that.

  Beau starts to say something, but then he shakes his head and looks away.

  “You’re my brother and I respect your opinion, but right now, I’m not interested in what you think I should do. I’m a grown man who knows exactly what the consequences are if I get involved with Ella again. Plus, you don’t know the whole story. It’s complicated.”

  His eyes snap back to mine.

  Yep, I’m being an asshole to the one person in the world who really means well. Plus, he’s right—I shouldn’t have stayed the night with her, but nothing happened. She slept in her bedroom and I slept on the couch. I made it clear I wouldn’t be sleeping in the bed with her, and I told her up front that if she expected me to share a bed with her then I’d have to go home. She agreed with my terms, so I stayed. She doesn’t need to be alone right now, which means I may be staying at her place every night until Gracie gets back in town.

  “What’s with the fucking attitude?” He steps around me before leaning against the Jeep.

  I don’t answer his question yet, because I know he’s not done rambling.

  “When you stopped by yesterday to drop off my truck and told me you were hanging out with Ella Blue, I thought maybe I was losing my hearing or maybe my mind.” Beau shakes his head and laughs. “I figured you weren’t stupid enough to get mixed up with Ella and her fucked-up family, but I was wrong.” My brother looks away for a few seconds before bringing his focus back to me. “Then Luke stopped by late yesterday evening looking for you, and when I told him you were hanging out with Ella, he told me the truth—something you failed to do.”

  “The truth? I didn’t realize I’d lied to you.” That motherfucking Luke. What did he tell Beau? He never has been able to keep his mouth shut.

  “I guess you didn’t lie. You did tell me she was in town, but you failed to give me all the details.” He’s not going to let up until he hears the entire story from me.

  “What else do you want to know, Beau? I don’t have time for this bullshit. I’ve got work to do.”

  He pushes himself off the Jeep and widens his stance.

  “Why don’t you start with why she’s back in town?”

  “If Luke already filled you in on everything, why do you need to hear it again from me?”

  My phone vibrates in my back pocket, but I ignore it. I don’t have time for anybody else’s bullshit this morning.

  Beau raises an eyebrow and tilts his head to the right. “Because, little brother, I want to hear the truth from your mouth.”

  I shake my head and then laugh. “This is a waste of my time, but I’ll give you what you want so you’ll get the hell away from me and let me get to work.” I blow out a long breath before running my hand through my hair. “I d
on’t have time to go into detail, but I’ll give you the highlights. Luke and Wade dragged me down to the Bait Shack for some concert last weekend. Ella’s band was the opening act.”

  “Did you know that before you went?”

  “What? That Ella’s band was playing?”

  He nods.

  “No. How was I supposed to know she was even in a band? I haven’t seen her in eight years. Did you forget about that?” I straighten my back and widen my stance slightly. “I didn’t see her after the concert, but I met her friend, Gracie. I don’t know what happened to Ella that night, but she somehow developed amnesia, and you know what the funny thing is? I mean, if you can even call it funny.”

  Beau drops his arms by his sides and leans against the Jeep again. “What?”

  “When she woke up in the hospital, I was the first person she asked for. You want to know why?”

  Beau narrows his eyes.

  “Because her last memory was of me, the night I got arrested eight years ago. She’s living in the fucking past, big brother. She’s lost eight fucking years of her life.” My chest tightens and it’s hard to breathe. I’m not sure if it’s from fear or anxiety, but whatever it is, I don’t like it.

  “You’re fucking joking, right?”

  I take one step closer to him. “Why in the fuck would I make this shit up? She knows the time has passed, but she’s not dealing with it very well, or at least that’s my opinion. I don’t know what to do about it.”

  “Was she in an accident? Do they know what caused her to forget the last eight years?”

  “Nope. Nobody knows, including her doctors. They think she could have possibly seen something traumatic and it caused her to develop amnesia.”

  “Is that even possible?”

  I shrug. “Yes, I mean, I guess it is. Fuck, man, I don’t know. I’m not a damn doctor.” My head falls back, and I take a deep breath before bringing my focus back to Beau. “Now do you see what I’m dealing with? I’m the only person she feels safe with. She knows she had a strained relationship with her mom and dad but can’t remember any of the specifics. She’s struggling, and I’m not going to let her do it alone.”