The Blurring

by Angela Peach

  The thought that she didn’t want me, added to the fact that I was probably on my way to the cuckoo’s nest, sped up my downward spiral and I sobbed openly as I swigged the wine.

  All the people I cared about were going to go through so much pain and heartache because of me and my descent into madness, especially if it continued at the rate it was going. It wasn’t fair on any of them. And Spencer? She was without doubt the most beautiful, sweetest, kindest, gentlest soul I’d ever encountered. If she didn’t want to see me anymore, well I don’t think I could stand it. Yes, I was willing to stand up and say I couldn’t live without her!

  My mind flickered back to the kiss we’d shared. It had been the most excruciatingly beautiful moment of my entire life and I knew I’d be lying if I said I could just remain her friend-I loved her more than I’d ever loved anyone or anything and my heart was physically aching to see her, to be with her.

  But she didn’t even want to answer my calls.

  I took out my mobile, again, and checked it, again, just in case I’d missed a call. Nothing. I decided to send her a text.

  I’M SO SORRY SPENCE. I THINK I KNOW WHY U R NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS-I KNOW EVERYTHING IS ALL IN MY HEAD & I’M JUST CRAZY. I DON’T BLAME U. THANK U 4 BEING THERE 4 ME & TRYING 2 HELP ME. I DON’T WANT 2 B LOCKED UP OR CAUSE ANY1 ANY PAIN WATCHING ME GO THRU THIS, SO IN THE LONG RUN THIS WILL B 4 THE BEST. PLEASE TELL EVERY1 THAT I LOVE THEM & THAT I’M VERY SORRY. I KNOW I HAVEN’T KNOWN U VERY LONG, BUT I THINK I AM IN LOVE WITH U. I LEAVE MY HEART WITH YOU. GOODBYE. TRISTEN X

  I sent it then turned my phone off. I still had half a bottle of wine left, which I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish, but I was going to drink a little more for dutch courage.

  The sun was on its final descent in the sky and just starting to caress the building tops when I decided. Now. This was the right time.

  I stood up, wobbling as I did so, and took a deep breath, breathing in not only the warm summer air, but the perfect-ness of the moment. It was a perfect time to die.

  I opened my eyes for the last time.

  Then I launched myself off the edge with everything I could muster. It was a good fifty foot fall to the bottom, but I felt like I was flying! It was a wonderful sensation and I knew I’d made the right decision as the warm wind whispered through my hair!

  I was still smiling as I kissed the concrete.

  CHAPTER 11

  “TRISTEN! NO! Oh god Tristen? Please open your eyes? Come on baby, don’t do this to me? Wake up!” I was slapped around the face a couple of times, hard. “Tristen wake up goddammit. Please don’t die on me?”

  The voice belonged to Spencer and the desperation in her voice caused me to stir.

  I don’t want to die.

  I couldn’t feel my body, which was probably a good thing, but I was alive! My head felt like I’d cracked it open when I’d landed, and when I tried to move it I experienced incredible pain. With a great effort, I opened my eyes. There was no crowd, no street, no cars-just Spencer and lots of sky.

  “How the fuck am I still alive?” I asked, although the slur that emerged from my mouth was more along the lines of ‘ow th fu m I sil liye?’

  “You’re alive! Thank god! What have you taken?”

  “Taken?”

  “Have you taken anything? For god’s sake Tris, tell me what you’ve taken?” she snapped, sounding a little angry. I blinked, looking around confused.

  “I haven’t taken anything!” I insisted, pushing myself up. “What’s going on? Am I still on the roof?”

  “Yes, why?” Her dark eyes were still a bit angry, but registering that things might not be as they seemed. I looked at her, and the pain in my head receded as our eyes locked together.

  “You came! I thought you didn’t want to know me anymore!” I said, feeling my heart and my mood lift.

  “What? Why would you think that?” she asked, stroking my cheek softly. I felt tears welling again.

  “Can we go back to yours? Please?” I whispered. She nodded and helped me struggle to my feet. Although I was far from sober, I wasn’t half as drunk as I had been, and with Spencer’s help we found my car. Ironically, it was still the same one I’d been driving earlier, but I must have simply gone to the wrong level as it was in the same place I remembered parking it in!

  We got in and I passed out again for most of the drive home (although I had a very vague, embarrassing memory later of demanding she pull over a couple of times so I could be sick!)

  On arriving at her place, I was pleased to see she now lived in a little bungalow surrounded by lots of trees and greenery. I got out of the car, admiring it.

  “Are you still a therapist?” I asked.

  “Yes. Are you still suicidal?”

  “Would you believe me if I said I’m not and never was? Look, can I lie down for a few hours, then I’ll explain what happened. My head is banging” I said. It was true-I could barely open my eyes without suffering.

  “Sure. You’re going to need a clear head anyway for what we’ve got to go through” she muttered, not looking at me. Unable to push her further, I just followed her through the bungalow to her room. She brought in a jug of juice and as I snuggled under the duvet (which smelled wonderfully of her) I was aware of her watching me from the other side of the room. Then I was out again.

  When I’d slept off most of the wine, I woke up to find Spencer sat next to me on her double bed, reading a book. I sat up and glugged down a lot of the juice.

  “Hey! Wow, I wondered if you were ever going to wake up!” she said with a nervous laugh.

  “What time is it?” I could tell from the hammering in my head that I was now sober.

  “About two am. I thought you might wake up hungry, so I made you a sandwich. It’s on the table next to you.”

  I looked-there was a small package wrapped in foil, and I was touched at her thoughtful gesture.

  “Thanks” I said, tucking into it ravenously. It was ham and cheese salad, one of my favourites. I felt her watching me as I ate. “What’re you reading?” I asked.

  “A book on the power of the mind.”

  “Oh. Is it any good?”

  She sighed.

  “Tris, we need to talk. Please finish your food, then I’ll go through what I’ve managed to translate from your session earlier.”

  Translate?

  “Ok” I mumbled, suddenly very nervous. I ate the rest of my sandwich, aware of the rising tension in the room. After I’d swallowed the final mouthful, I crossed my legs underneath me. “So, break it to me gently. I’m crazy, aren’t I?”

  “I’m not sure how to break this to you…but no, you’re not crazy. It’s a little bit worse than that” she said, crossing her legs too so we were both facing each other on the bed. Her brown eyes were watching mine intently, serious but compassionate.

  “What do you mean? Of course I’m crazy! All this stuff…it can’t really be happening!” I spluttered, recognising how strange it sounded for me to want to be crazy! She shook her head softly, and then removed a sheet of paper from the book she’d been reading.

  “I almost wish you were. It would be a lot easier to deal with than this. Tris, if I asked you to say your name backwards, would you be able to?”

  I raised my eyebrows at the strange request, but thought about it for a second.

  “Um, Nestirt?”

  Spencer chewed her bottom lip for a minute before gathering all her dark hair behind her head and tying it back, sighing when she’d done so.

  “What about my name?”

  “Renseps?” I guessed, wondering where she was leading with this. Maybe it was like the Rorschach test, but instead of ink blots, she used words…backwards? She sighed again, then looked down at the sheet of paper in her hands. Reluctantly, she held it out to me.

  “No, it’s Resneps. Read this, then we’ll discuss where we go from here. But I warn you-it’s not easy to read” she said, her voice soft. I took it, and she got up from the bed and walked over
to the window where she stood looking out into the darkness, almost as if standing guard.

  I tucked my blonde hair behind my ears and started to read.

  S- Can you tell me your full name?

  T- MOLLY ANN TRISTEN

  (Long pause)

  S- I’m sorry, can you repeat that?

  T- MOLLY ANN TRISTEN

  S- Is that your real name?

  T- YES

  (Pause)

  S- Tristen, can you tell me what language you are speaking in?

  I looked up at Spencer.

  “What the fuck does this mean? Why are you asking me what language I’m speaking in?”

  “Just keep reading” she replied.

  T- ENGLISH

  (Pause)

  S- Did…did you just say English?

  T- YES

  S- Oh my god. Tristen, are you talking backwards?

  T- YES

  I looked up again. Spencer was watching me intently now.

  “What the fuck?”

  “Keep reading” she insisted. “It gets better.”

  Reluctantly, I continued.

  S- Do you know who I am?

  T- YES

  S- Tell me how you know me, Tristen.

  T- YOUR NAME IS REBECKA SPENCER, AND YOU SAVED MY LIFE. YOU’RE MY ANCHOR.

  S- (Gasps) Tristen, is it possible for you to talk…er, forwards? Just so I can understand what you’re saying.

  T- THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN COMMUNICATE.

  S- Shit. Um, ok, I’m just going to ask the questions and try and translate the answers later, cos I can’t understand what you’re saying. Ok, why are you talking backwards?

  T- WHERE I AM, TIME IS ALMOST STILL. I CAN’T MOVE FORWARD, THEREFORE I CAN’T SPEAK FORWARD.

  S- Um, ok, next question. Is reality really blurring, or slipping?

  T- FOR ME, MY REALITY AS I KNOW IT IS BLURRING, YES.

  S- What is our connection?

  T- YOU’RE MY ANCHOR. WE ARE BOUND.

  S- Are you in control of anything that’s happening to you?

  T- I’M IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO ME.

  S- Do you know why this is all happening to you?

  T- THIS IS ALL A CAUSAL EFFECT FROM THE ACCIDENT.

  S- Do you know how to stop all the blurs from happening?

  T- YOU ARE MY ANCHOR-YOU STOP THE BLURS.

  S- God this is really hard without knowing what you’re saying. Uh, apart from everything you’ve already said, is there anything you think I need to know? Any important information?

  T- I MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. IF I WANT SOMETHING, AND I BELIEVE STRONGLY ENOUGH, I CAN MAKE WHATEVER I WANT TO HAPPEN, HAPPEN AND I CAN HAVE WHATEVER I WANT JUST BY WANTING IT.. THIS INFORMATION WILL BE USEFUL TO YOU, BUT ONLY IF USED WISELY.

  S- Wow! That was a long answer. (Long pause) Tristen, what would happen if I walked away from you and never saw you again?

  T- SPENCER, YOU KNOW THAT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE! YOU FEEL THE PULL, THE TUG WHEN WE’RE APART, THE ANXIETY OF NOT BEING NEAR ME. WE’RE BOUND NOW, UNTIL THE END.

  S- Another long answer. Jesus, Tris. Why us? Why me? What happened to connect us? Is there anything we can do to stop it?

  T- DO YOU THINK KNOWING THESE ANSWERS WILL HELP? OUR FUTURES ARE BOUND NOW, WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO BE TOGETHER. THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO TO STOP WHAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED.

  S- Ok. Is there anything else you can tell me? Anything that might help?

  T- (Pause) AFTER HE DIES, THE ONLY SAFE PLACE TO GO WILL BE CANANDA. WE’LL LIVE THERE UNTIL WE DIE, IN EACH OTHER’S ARMS, SEVENTY FOUR YEARS FROM NOW. WE’LL BE HAPPY.

  (Long pause, then T starts convulsing)

  S- Tristen? Shit! Can you hear me? Can you…

  (Inaudible whispering)

  S-What? What did you say? Ten, nine, eight, seven…

  That was where the typing stopped. Several paragraphs had been highlighted, with some of those underlined as well. I re-read through it all, paying closer attention to those sections.

  “Ok, so what the fuck does all that mean?”

  “Don’t look at me! Just because I got the answers out of you, doesn’t mean I understand them.”

  “But…who’s going to die? And how are we bound?”

  “I don’t know! Look, the reason I didn’t take your calls today was because I had headphones on-I had to upload the recording into my laptop, then put it through a special converter to listen to it. It took me a good couple of hours to listen to it and double check it to make sure I hadn’t misheard anything. Do you have any idea how freaky you sounded? Here, listen to a bit of it” she took her phone from her pocket and pressed a couple of buttons. After listening to it for a minute, I begged her to turn it off. No wonder she’d looked so pale when I’d come round. The sound of me talking in what sounded like some evil foreign tongue was too much for my already frazzled head, and I buried my head in my knees as yet more tears fought their way out. A moment later, I felt her arms around me as she comforted me.

  “What are we going to do?” I snuffled, and she pulled back to look at me, tenderly stroking some stray blonde tendrils from my tear streaked face.

  “After the day we’ve both had, I say we get some sleep and tackle this tomorrow with fresh heads. Maybe take a trip to the site of the accident, see if we can get some sort of a clue as to why this happened. That’s where all this started, so let’s work our way from there. It’s a long shot, but we might get lucky.”

  “Do you really think I can make things happen? Is that even possible?” I asked, and a strange look crossed her eyes before she replied.

  “Yes. I think you can.”

  “Then maybe I can change things? He, whoever he is, doesn’t have to die, and we won’t have to move to Canada!”

  “Ok” she nodded, but without much conviction.

  On a sudden impulse, I leaned forward and touched my lips to hers. It felt like the most natural thing in the world to do, and when she tentatively responded, I realised that this time I would not be pushing her off. I didn’t want to keep control this time-I wanted to lose control, fully and completely.

  Without breaking contact, we both slid down on the bed. My body arced into hers as she lay above me, and I let my hands roam freely up and down her back. Our tongues slid and teased each other’s in a truly erotic way and Spencer had a handful of my hair in her hand, as if to stop me from pulling away, which I had no intention of doing! She took her lips away from mine and went back to my neck, where they continued from where they’d left off earlier and her free hand came up and lightly caressed my breast. I writhed beneath her, wanting more, wanting everything. She pushed my vest up and moved her hot lips down towards my nipple, which was straining for her mouth to take it. She licked it softly, watching my face for my reaction as she did so, and I threw my head back on the pillow, moaning in pleasure. Now I had her hair in my hands as I held her head in place, her tongue teasing my nipple in an agonisingly wonderful, soft way before her lips locked around it and sucked gently. I cried out, ready to just about explode with desire, calling out her name and pleading with her.

  She stiffened above me.

  “What did you just say?” she whispered.

  “I…I just said please don’t stop. Why, what’s wrong?” I asked, looking down at her. She looked confused, like she was fighting against herself about something. Then she pushed herself up and away from me, sitting stiffly near my feet.

  “I’m sorry. I thought you were talking backwards again. It…I just freaked out for a second” she said. Her eyes met mine, and I saw that the moment was lost for now. I sat up too, pulling down my vest and blowing out a long shaky breath.

  “Maybe you’re right. We should just get some sleep, start afresh tomorrow” I said, realising that I felt quite grubby anyway.

  “Yeah, it’s been a long day.” She paused, looking like she was chewing something over. “Um, do you want me to go and sleep in the spare room?”

  I thought about trying to sleep i
n her bed, smelling her on the pillow, and knowing she was in another room. No, I probably wouldn’t get much sleep at all! Before I could say anything though, she spoke again.

  “It’s just, I don’t really want to be on my own. Not after listening to that recording all day. Would you mind sharing?”

  “Of course not! Phew! I didn’t really like the idea of being on my own either! Never too sure where I’m going to wake up these days!” I joked, relieved. She smiled, looking relieved as well. “I cleared it with Nick to stay here for a few days, if that’s ok with you? Thought it might be easier to sort this out if I wasn’t coming and going between here and there.”

  “Great! No, that’s fine! I’d love the company!” she gushed, looking genuinely happy!

  We took turns going to the bathroom to brush our teeth and get ready, then got silently into bed together. Although perfectly comfortable with each other, we kept on our own side of the bed, aware that the slightest touch would probably be breaking necessary boundaries.

  We’re bound to the end.

  Something inside me questioned whether I wanted things to return to normal, to how they had been. Did I really want the answers I thought were so important? Or did I want to explore what was beginning between Spencer and I? More specifically, could I really go back to my life with Nick? I’d already crossed a line by kissing Spencer, and I knew it was a line I wanted to cross again. I casually rolled over and found her watching me, making my breath catch in my throat.

  “Tristen? Are you always aware when you, you know, wish for something? Do you know you’re doing it?” she whispered, and I detected something sad in the way she’d asked.

  “Until I saw it written down, I didn’t even know I was doing it. I mean, I knew a lot of things went my way, a lot of the time, but I thought I was just lucky. Why?”

  “I was just wondering. Night. Sweet dreams babe.”