The Blurring

by Angela Peach

  She swallowed and nodded enthusiastically.

  “No, I understand” she said, but her dark eyes looked guarded and hurt. I wanted nothing more than to go back to her and kiss that hurt away, but I knew I’d lose myself just as quickly again, and getting answers was very important right now.

  “So, where do you want me? Should I lie down?” I asked, and she frowned before it sunk it.

  “Oh! Yeah! Just make yourself comfortable on the big bean bag over there” she pointed and I sensed she was mentally shaking herself down, as I was, and trying to get her professional head on in preparation.

  But neither of us could have prepared for what happened next.

  CHAPTER 10

  Something very, very bad had happened while I’d been under. Something that had scared Spencer.

  When I first opened my eyes, I’d felt relaxed and refreshed. But one look at Spencer had made my blood run cold. She was pale and shaking…and on the other side of the room.

  “Spence?” My stomach felt full of ice from the way she was looking at me, and I thought she was going to just run from the room without saying anything. “Spence, please? Talk to me? You’re scaring me.”

  She laughed, but there was no humour in it.

  “I’m scaring you? Jesus, Tristen! I actually feel like I need a cigarette and I don’t even smoke!”

  That was when I felt it. Earlier when we’d been kissing, there’d been a distinct electrical charge between us. Now the air was charged with something else, and despite the intense summer heat, every hair on my body was standing on end but not in a pleasant way. I stood up, shakily.

  “What the fuck happened? What did I say? Did I do something? What?”

  “I’ve never heard, or experienced anything like this before. I don’t know how, or if, I can explain it. I need to listen to the recording again and take some notes, but I can’t think of anything I’d rather not do” she said quietly, rubbing her arms. We’d both agreed beforehand that she would record the session on her phone so I could hear what had happened afterwards.

  “Ok, well put it on? We’ll listen to it now.”

  “No! That’s a really bad idea. Not until I’ve…worked out what it means. Besides, I don’t want you to freak out too.”

  “Spencer! What did I say? I want to know?”

  “Trust me, you do not want to listen to that recording! But when you come back later, I promise I’ll go through it all with you, ok?”

  “When I come back? What do you mean? You want me to go? I thought you said things blur when we’re not together” I said, getting flustered and anxious.

  “I said it was a theory, so this should be a good way to test it. Look, you have to go and meet Alice, don’t you? Well, I’ll stay here and go through the recording, and when you come back, we’ll see if anything changed, then go through the notes together.”

  I knew she was right, but the thought of testing out her theory terrified me. She saw this and walked stiffly around the table to me, stopping a good few feet away.

  “It’s ok, Tris. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be on the other end of the phone the whole time, so if things get weird you can just call me.”

  “I don’t know if I can do this?” I said, and meant it. I didn’t want to leave her side.

  “Yes you can” she gave me a hug, but I could tell she was keeping a safe distance, even while hugging me.

  I felt my heart sink and hoped it wasn’t going to be like this between us from now on.

  Whatever it was that had happened while I was under had changed things and I didn’t know if I could change them back.

  Spencer lent me her notebook, seeing as I didn’t know what had happened to mine, and I got into my car a nervous wreck to drive home.

  When I got there, I ran in. Alice was due in about fifteen minutes and I wanted to get relaxed and think of something good before she arrived. Every instinct in me wanted to call Spencer, but I knew she’d be going through the session and I didn’t want to disturb her. Plus, the awkwardness that had hung in the air when I’d come around worried me, and I got the feeling she was happy to get some time alone.

  Alice knocked on the door not long after I got in.

  “Hey! How was the match? Did they win?”

  “They drew two all, but the scout was talking to Nick in the pub before I left so it looks like he made a good impression. He was really upset that you left.”

  “Ali, I just couldn’t stay. Today has been…strange” I said carefully. I took a bottle of lemonade from the fridge and poured us both a glass.

  “Strange? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say it’s you who’s being strange. I mean, what’s the deal? I thought we were best friends? Why won’t you talk to me?”

  “You are my best friend!”

  “Ok, so talk to me now! What’s the deal with this Spencer girl?”

  “I…she…we’ve just become really good friends” I said, realising how lame it sounded.

  “Oh come on! Stop treating me like a fucking idiot Tristen? Show me some respect and just be honest with me or I’m walking out of here right now!” she snapped, making me jump. Alice and I had never argued, and she’d certainly never been this upset with me before. Her face was etched with anger and sadness, and it suddenly occurred to me just how much of an impact this week was having on everyone close to me. She turned away from me, but not before I saw tears fill her eyes.

  “Ali? Oh god, please don’t cry? I want to tell you, I really do! I just don’t think you’ll believe me!” I blurted out.

  “You haven’t even tried! You’re just shutting me out and…and…you’re spending all your time with her, and I’m scared I’m losing you!” she sobbed, looking so upset that I ran across and threw my arms around her.

  “You’re not losing me! Look, there’s a reason I’ve been spending so much time with her, but if I tell you, you have to promise you won’t laugh or call me crazy, ok?” she nodded and made a noise that affirmed she understood. “Come on, let’s go outside and I’ll tell you everything.”

  We sat outside in the sun and I gave her a very condensed version of what was happening. However, I told her that it was my memory that was foggy rather than things around me changing, deciding it would be easier for her to swallow. I explained that since I’d met Spencer last week, I not only kept forgetting things, but I couldn’t focus on anything for very long which was why I’d taken my holiday time early. This rolled easily into the fact that luckily for me, Spencer was a trained therapist and she’d been giving me free treatments to help me.

  This just about tied everything up nicely and I didn’t feel guilty because I wasn’t really lying to her-I just wasn’t disclosing the full truth.

  “Spencer thinks that my meeting her was some sort of trigger and that it’s all got something to do with a possible delayed form of post-traumatic stress or something” I said, completely winging it but pleased with how plausible it all sounded.

  “Oh my god, Tris, I can’t believe you’ve been trying to deal with all this on your own. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I tried to say something on Tuesday, remember? When I said my client’s name changed?”

  Alice slapped her forehead.

  “Shit! Oh babe, I’m so sorry!”

  “That’s ok, I know how it must have sounded. I’d probably have thought the same thing if the situation had been reversed. Well, after that I was too embarrassed to tell you anything else. So I didn’t. Spencer’s been really good about helping me, and I made her promise not to say anything.”

  “I just thought you were being quirky! Well, I know you’re normally quirky, but I thought you were being quirkier than usual!” Alice was shaking her head, and I put my hand on her arm to reassure her.

  “If I’m honest babe, so did I! But it just kept getting worse.”

  “Is there anything I can do? Can I help in any way?” I knew she was probably feeling a bit prickly that Spencer had been there for me when she herself had
n’t, and I decided to try and use it to my advantage.

  “If something happens and I look weirded out or confused, or I say something that doesn’t make any sense, just laugh it off and correct me without letting on to anyone else? I don’t want everyone knowing I’m confused and forgetting stuff, Ali. You might be sympathetic, but Nick would have me down the doctors getting brain scans and stuff.”

  “You can’t hide this from him! He already thinks you’re going to leave him!”

  I took a deep breath. This was something I’d decided earlier before she arrived, but hadn’t quite worked out how I could pull it off. Now, she could help me.

  “I think I need to go and stay with Spencer for a few days, just until I get better. Her treatments are really helping and she has a spare room I can stay in.”

  “Uh-oh. Molly Tristen, why do I get a strange feeling a favour is coming?”

  “You said you wanted to help. I don’t want to hurt Nick, but I also don’t want him to think I’m crazy. We haven’t been together long enough for me to put that kind of a strain on our relationship, and I really love him! Can I tell him you need me to stay with you for a week or two?”

  “What?”

  “I’ll tell him your nan died or something and you need me there. Please, Ali, he’ll understand if it’s you?” I pleaded with genuine sincerity. “I wouldn’t ask anyone but my best friend?” I added, smiling sweetly. She looked pained while she chewed it over.

  “You owe me big style girlfriend” she eventually said, and I threw my arms around her neck.

  “Thank you! You don’t know what this means to me!”

  “I know what it means for me-big, big favours!”

  “Whatever you want!”

  At that moment, a guy walked out of the house towards us. He had spiky, bleached hair and was smiling happily at us. I smiled back, thinking it was one of Nick’s football friends. The smile froze when he came over and kissed me full on the lips.

  It was Nick.

  “Seriously? But Nick’s hair ‘s always been like that” Alice hissed quietly.

  “Well, since I’ve been seeing him it’s been dark and floppy!” I hissed back.

  “Ooh, that would look cute!”

  “It does…did! Fuck! Do you see why I can’t stay?”

  Alice had seen the blood drain from my face and followed me to the bathroom when I’d said I was going to be sick.

  “Ok, ok. Oh well, I guess it’s rest in peace nana. You’d better go out and say I’m on the phone. When I come out, I’ll say my nana’s just died and I’ll ask you if you can come stay with me for a few days to help me through it. But you owe me whenever, whatever and wherever I want Tris” she whispered, waggling her finger at me.

  I left the bathroom and went to find New-Nick. He was in the kitchen buttering some toast.

  “Hey baby, why don’t you go and lay down? I made you some toast to help settle your stomach and I am going to spend the rest of the day looking after you!” he said gently, giving me a hug. The hair was bad enough, but the new Scottish accent was going to take some getting used to.

  “I’m really not hungry. So Ali tells me congratulations are in order? What did the scout say?”

  “Oh, only that they’re very interested! They’re going to give me a call later in the week!”

  “Wow, babe, that’s awesome! I’m so pleased for you!”

  “Sooo, maybe if you’re feeling better tomorrow, we can go out and celebrate?”

  At that moment, Alice came stumbling into the kitchen, eyes red and streaming.

  “My nana! Oh Tris, my poor, poor nana! She’s passed away!” she sobbed, and I cringed at her diabolical acting. I went over to her quickly.

  “Oh Ali, that’s awful! Weren’t you really close to her?”

  “She was like a mother to meeee” she wailed, and I decided I had to get her away from Nick asap before he twigged she was acting. If she kept this up, it wouldn’t be long!

  “Come on, let me take you to the bathroom for some tissue” I said, glancing at Nick to see how he was reacting. It looked like he was going for it. I mouthed ‘sorry’ at him, then pushed Alice out of the room.

  “How was I?”

  “Beautiful baby, you get your Oscar tomorrow” I said dryly.

  “Did you like the tears? I sprayed some perfume in my eyes before I came out! I couldn’t see a thing!” She blinked rapidly. “Still can’t!”

  “Ok, it was awesome, but just ease off a little bit now? I’ll go and break the news to Nick, pack a bag and then I’ll come and get you, so just stay in here til then.”

  “You sure I shouldn’t come out?”

  “No!” I said, a bit abruptly. “I mean, you stay in here and wash your eyes. I need to talk to him alone first.”

  I left her splashing water into her eyes and went to chat with Nick, who was halfway through making an egg and bacon sandwich. I felt a pang of guilt-he was probably starving after playing football all morning, and I probably made him lunch every Sunday after his matches (even if it was probably a dire lunch!) and I was probably a much better girlfriend then than I was now.

  “How is she?”

  “In a really bad way. Nick…she wants me to go and stay with her for a few days.”

  “Uh-uh. No way.”

  I did a double take.

  “What? Why not?”

  “Because I’ve barely seen you all week, and I’ve taken next week off to spend time with you. She can stay here with us if she wants company.”

  I hadn’t thought he’d offer that. My mind worked quickly.

  “Cats! She can’t stay with us unless she brings her cats, and they’re not litter trained or anything.” I said, trying not to sound too triumphant.

  “Tris, don’t do this to me?” he said quietly. I swallowed thickly.

  “Do what? Look after my best friend when she needs me?”

  “Are you…do you want to break up with me?”

  “What? Nick, I…that’s ridiculous! Why would you think that?” I stuttered, feeling like the world’s biggest bitch for ruining his good day.

  “I don’t know. You just don’t seem to want to spend any time with me, and when you are with me you avoid any form of touching and kissing. And now you want to go and stay with Alice? I thought we were going to do something special this week?” The burning smell coming from the forgotten fry up caught his attention and he took the smoking pan off the heat and chucked the contents unceremoniously into the sink. I went to him and pulled him into my arms. He smelled fresh from his shower and I breathed in his after shave, trying to remind myself how much I loved him.

  “Nick, of course I don’t want to break up with you. I’m just helping Alice out. She’s always been there for me, and now it’s my turn to be there for her. I promise, I’ll be back soon.”

  “I want you back before your birthday.”

  “Of course.” I hoped three days would be long enough to sort everything out.

  “Ok. But I’m not happy about it babe. And don’t you dare do a pregnancy test early without me.”

  “Oh, I won’t, I promise.”

  “Ok. I love you.”

  “Love you right back.”

  He kissed me softly, lovingly, tenderly.

  I felt nothing.

  I was sat on the roof of the supermarket car park more than three quarters of the way through a bottle of wine. My mood had slipped rapidly and I was in an almighty funk with myself.

  I’d stopped off to buy a few bottles of wine for the evening, but on returning to where I’d left the car, had found the spot occupied by a different one that my keys didn’t fit. The car park was packed full of hundreds of cars, and I didn’t fancy trying my keys in them all and risk getting arrested in the process. I had, of course, left the notebook in the car while I went into the shop. I’d tried calling Spencer, but her phone kept going straight to voicemail. I’d left well over ten messages, the last one stating that I was going to sit on the roof and get drunk whil
e I waited for her.

  That had been nearly an hour ago.

  I was getting more and more depressed with each swig of wine. Why wasn’t she answering her phone? She told me she’d be on the end of the phone if I needed her, and here I was needing her, and where was she? Where was she indeed.

  Fuck her. Fuck everything.

  The more I thought it over, the more hopeless my situation seemed. How was I supposed to get my life back when I didn’t even know what was messing it up in the first place? I couldn’t stay at Spencer’s side for the rest of my life-what about work? And what if she didn’t want to be with me? Would things just change continuously until I wound up in an institution on a medley of medication? Or was I actually, truly, just plain ole insane?

  I knew it was because Spencer wasn’t answering my calls that I was feeling so down, and with each passing minute, my heart and gut ached more and more. I was craving her, and she was rejecting me, and I was getting insanely depressed about it.

  I finished the bottle and opened a second. It was a crisp chardonnay and went down very easily, a little like my mood. After checking my phone for the twentieth time to make sure I had battery and signal, I cursed aloud and let the tears roll.

  There was really only one reason I could think of for Spencer to avoid taking my calls and ignore me.

  I must have revealed in the hypnotherapy session that I was making it all up and nothing was blurring at all. It made perfect sense! Much more so than good hard solid reality changing while I alone remembered how it was before. Why on earth would I be the only one immune? There was nothing special about me, and I doubted there was some worldwide conspiracy out to get me.

  Poor Spencer. What have I convinced her to believe?

  She was probably really embarrassed at believing everything I’d told her, and even more embarrassed at encouraging me. She couldn’t get me out of her house fast enough this morning, and she gave me back my car-was that because she knew that in my crazy state I’d forget where she lived and never bother her again? She’d been so cold toward me as I left this morning, when not half an hour previously she’d been pushing her tongue down my throat and her hand up my skirt!