Remedy

by Kaylee Ryan

  I want to show him what he’s missing. What he walked away from.

  The enchiladas are in the oven. I started to make some Spanish rice as well but decided that would look like I was making too much of an effort. I have two huge pans of enchiladas. That’s enough. It’s double what I normally make for just Tabby and me, but with Grady coming over, I wanted to have enough. I guess I get that from my mom. She always has too much food, but her saying is, “I’d rather them leave full and satisfied than hungry.” She’s a smart woman, my mother.

  He’s going to be here any minute, and it’s going to be a whole lot of awkward. I should have canceled. I’m not ready to spend a night in with him, just the two of us. It’s ironic that three years ago, I would have given anything for this to be my life, now… not so much.

  A loud knock bounces against the door, and even though I was expecting him, I flinch. After standing, I make my way to the front door. A big deep breath, slowly exhaled, I open the door.

  “Hey, beautiful,” he says softly. Pulling his hand from behind his back, he hands me a bouquet of flowers. “Lilies. Are they still your favorite?”

  “How did you…?” I take the flowers when he hands them to me again.

  “I pay attention, Collins. Even before that night, I paid attention.”

  What do I say to that? Not that I can form words if I tried. Instead, I step back and allow him to walk in.

  “I brought dessert. White cupcakes with white fluffy icing.” He holds up a container of cupcakes. “I wasn’t sure if Tabby liked them, but really, you’re all that matters.” He leans in and kisses my cheek. “In the kitchen?” he asks, already walking in that direction.

  Closing the door, I stare at the bouquet of lilies in my hands. They’re beautiful and fragrant, and I’m still in shock that he knows they’re my favorite. Is it possible that all those years ago, I wasn’t the only one paying attention like he said? How could I have missed that?

  Shaking out of my thoughts, I head toward the kitchen to put my flowers in water. Grady takes them from me as soon as I walk into the room.

  “You have a vase or something? I should have thought of that. I can run out and get one,” he says quickly.

  “I have one.” I open the cabinet door under the kitchen sink and pull out a vase. Oddly enough, it’s not because I have been sent flowers that I have it. When Tabby and I moved in here, Mom cleaned out her cabinets bringing up a few things. She insisted we needed upgrading from poor college students. This vase was one of those items. My dad sends her flowers out of the blue, and she has a shelf full of vases. I think she keeps them all.

  “You have one,” he says, eyeing the vase. “That’s good,” he says, but his tone of voice tells me he doesn’t really believe his words.

  Is he jealous? No, can’t be. “Yeah, Mom gave this to Tabby and me when we moved in here.” I don’t take my eyes off him. I can visibly see his shoulders relax and his jaw that was clenched tight eases.

  Interesting.

  I have to keep reminding myself I’m not allowed to be pissed off that another guy has sent her flowers. I walked away, that’s on me, but damn it, I can’t seem to control it. To say that I was relieved when she said her mom gave her the vase is an understatement.

  “It smells amazing.” My stomach growls loudly, reminding me that it is indeed time to eat.

  “Thanks. It’s Mom’s recipe.”

  I groan. “Your mom is a damn good cook. I’ve missed her cooking.” Her face scrunches up, and I know what she’s thinking. Reaching out, I touch her elbow, getting her attention. “Not as much as I missed you.”

  She steps away from me, breaking our connection. My arm falls away, and although it was brief, I miss the feel of her skin beneath my fingers. “So,” I say, trying to get her talking, “Tabby on her way home?”

  “About that.” She turns to face me, biting her bottom lip. “She had to stay late. She’s working until ten, so it’s just us. Just you and me,” she rambles.

  I have to work hard to not let my smile shine through. I get her all to myself. The stars are starting to align in my favor. “Well,” I say, trying to sound as though this is not the best news I’ve heard all day. “That just means more for us. However, we should probably save her a cupcake. That’s a long day.”

  “Yeah. How did you know?”

  “Know what? That white cake with fluffy white icing is your favorite? I told you, I paid attention. That night, it was more for me. I know you don’t trust that right now, and my actions speak otherwise, but it was more, Collins.”

  “There’s water or beer in the fridge,” she says, ignoring everything I just told her.

  “Water or beer?”

  “Water for me, please.”

  I pull open the fridge door and grab two bottles of water. “Can I help with anything?”

  “Nope, just need to pull these out of the oven.” She opens the oven door, and I peek inside. Two large pans that smell damn good are sitting side by side on the rack.

  “Here.” I take the pot holder out of her hands. “Let me.”

  She steps aside as she says, “I can do it, Grady.”

  I set both hot pans on the stove before I turn to look at her. “I know you can, baby. But if I’m around, you can let me do some of the heavy lifting.”

  “I’ve managed the last three years just fine,” she mumbles under her breath.

  Placing the pot holders on the counter, I don’t take my eyes off her. Her long dark hair is in loose curls hanging down her back. I push them off her shoulder, revealing her slender neck. “I know that,” I say gently. “I left. I regret it. I’m willing to do whatever I have to do to prove to you that I want this. Me and you, Collins. I want to see if everything I felt that night still holds true.” I step a little closer. “I want to see if your breath hitches when I kiss you here.” With my index finger, I trace the line of her neck down to her collarbone. “I want to know if these still respond to just the simplest of touch—my lips, my fingers, my tongue,” I say, dragging my index finger over the mounds of her breasts.

  Her chest is rising and falling as her breaths come faster and shorter. Her eyes flutter closed, but she doesn’t pull away. Instead, she bites down on her bottom lip. “I want to know if these,” I run my thumb over her lips, pulling it from the torture of her teeth, “feel as soft pressed against mine. I want to know if they are still as sweet as I remember.” Her eyes slowly open and her blue irises are dark with desire. She’s still not stopping me, so I keep going.

  Stepping closer, so close I can feel her body heat even through our clothes, I place one hand on her hip, pulling her close, while the other slides under her hair and around the back of her neck. “I want to know if it feels like my world is falling when I slide inside of you. That’s the only way I can explain it. It’s a feeling like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I want to know if the replay in my mind the last three years is just a figment of my imagination.”

  Her hand grips my arm and pulls it from behind her neck, and she steps out of my hold. “I’m sure in the last three years you’ve found it with someone else. I’m not playing this game with you, Grady.”

  I can’t help it, I laugh. Not just a chuckle, but a throw-my-head-back and deep belly laugh. “Collins, I can assure you, I have not. There’s no one but you.”

  She freezes, then turns to face me. “What did you say?”

  “There is no one but you.”

  “Now,” she scoffs.

  “Since that night,” I fire back.

  Her entire body is still, as if she was made of stone. “Explain that,” she whispers.

  I step closer to her, needing to be near her. This time I place both hands on her cheeks and stare into those gorgeous baby blues. “You heard me. There’s been no one since that night. Not a kiss, not a one-night stand, not a relationship. Nothing. Not one single date.”

  “That’s not possible.”

  “Baby, I was in medical school, working at the hospital, an
d missing you like crazy. I craved more of you, but I was too damn stupid to see the fucking forest for the trees. I threw myself into school and work. My two roommates, Jeff and Andy, they did the same. We would throw a party of three after studying. We kept each other on the straight and narrow, and our grades stayed up. Jeff, he’s one of those people who really has to work for it, so Andy and I helped him out.” I pause, letting it all sink in. “There was no one I wanted but you. I knew before I even made it back to North Carolina that I had made a mistake. I also knew it was better for you. I was states away in medical school. We would have seen each other a couple of times a year, if that, and I didn’t want you to wait around. Not to mention, I didn’t know how to break the news to your brother. So I pretended that my heart was not here in Indiana and focused on becoming a man you can be proud of.”

  “Grady, I—” She stops, appearing to not know what to say.

  “I’m that man, Collins. I’m that man today standing here before you, begging you to give me another chance. I’ll prove to you that you can trust me, that I’ll never walk away from you again.”

  Her eyes shimmer with tears. “This is… too much. I don’t… Grady, I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say you’ll think about it. Say that you’ll let me see you, more than just bumping into you in the hallway of our apartment building. Let me show you what you mean to me.”

  “You broke my heart,” she whispers.

  “I know, baby.” I pull her into me, her head resting against my chest. I lock my arms around her, cherishing the fact that she’s in my arms. “I broke my own foolish heart. Just let me show you. I know I don’t deserve a second chance, but I’m asking for one anyway.”

  “I don’t know if I can.” Her words are muffled against my shirt, but I hear them all the same. The pain they bring slices through my chest.

  “Please. We’ll start slow. You set the pace. I don’t care how long it takes. I’m not walking away. Not now, not ever. Never again.”

  She pulls away from me and walks to the couch. She sits down, rests her elbows on her knees, and places her head in her hands. I don’t say a word. I know I’ve laid a lot on her and I know she needs to process it all. I take a seat next to her on the couch and gently run my hand up and down her spine, soothing her and something inside of me as well. I just need to touch her and calm washes over me.

  That’s how it was that night. It was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. The moment I pushed inside of her, it felt… right. Like I was exactly where I was meant to be. It scared the fuck out of the younger me. Now, I’m begging and pleading to be there again. I can guarantee being inside of her is a gift I will always cherish.

  She lifts her head, pulling me out of my thoughts. Surprising me, she turns sideways on the couch and crosses her legs. She takes a deep breath. “Grady, I’m scared,” she admits. “I grew up crushing on you, but that night I gave you a piece of me that no one else will ever have. I thought I loved you. When your lips pressed to mine, I was certain I did. Then everything that happened after, I thought maybe I imagined it. That I didn’t really know what love was.” She pauses to collect her thoughts.

  Reaching out, I lace my fingers through hers, needing to feel connected to her.

  “I know it was my first time, and I’ve played this over and over in my head. Did I imagine the moment? Did I make it out to be this earth-moving experience because of my crush on you? Honestly, I’m not sure, Grady. I know that night I fell madly in love with you. Hell, I was close to it for years, but I fell off the cliff, hands raised, enjoying the fall.”

  Reaching out with my free hand, I catch a tear with my thumb that has just fallen from her eye. “It wasn’t a fantasy, Collins. I was there and felt it, too. It scared me.”

  “How do I know you won’t run again? Grady, I can’t go through that again. I was crushed. It was just me, you know. I couldn’t tell my family, our families. No matter how upset I was with you, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t tell anyone, not even Tabby. These past three years I’ve been fighting the pain all on my own, and I can’t… I can’t do it again.”

  Her tears, her words rip my heart to shreds. “You won’t.” I say the words with as much conviction as I can. “I will never walk away from you.”

  “You don’t know me. It’s been three years, Grady. People change.”

  “I know you love lilies. I know your favorite cupcake. I know you have a passion for helping others. I know where you got this.” I run my thumb over a scar on her right knee. “I know you, Collins. I know what if feels like to be on the receiving end of your kisses and your hugs. I know that you are home to me. Not this town, not my parents’ place. You. I’ve never felt more connected to someone. Three years ago on a cold winter night, you captured my heart.” I pause to wipe another tear. “I want you to keep it, Collins. I never want it back.”

  “I’ve missed you so much, and I’m so scared,” she says again. “I’m scared of how badly I want to bury my face in your chest and let you hold me. I’m scared of how strong the urge is to pretend that you never left. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, but a part of me is still angry. My head…” She gives me a weak watery smile. “My head is angry with you, and my heart is pleading to fall into you.”

  I place my hand that’s not holding hers over her chest, right over her heart. “Follow your heart,” I whisper.

  “I want to,” again a watery smile. “I just need some time, Grady.”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I assure her.

  She nods. Turning, she uncrosses her legs and rests her head on my shoulder. Raising my arm, I wrap her up and hold her close. Closing my eyes, I feel the tension fall away. It’s like three years of stress have just vanished. This right here is where I belong—with her in my arms. I’m going to prove it to her. Her breathing evens out, and I whisper her name. When she doesn’t reply, I know she’s fallen asleep. I should get up and go to my place, but I don’t. No way am I missing out on the chance to hold her like this. I hope there will be more opportunities in the future, but from our talk tonight, that won’t be immediate. I know she needs time. I hurt her, hurt us both. Those wounds are still fresh, but I think we’re on our way to healing. She surprised me by opening up to me, and we need that. We need to be open and honest if we’re going to get through this.

  I lose track of time, holding her. When she adjusts her position, she startles when she feels my grip on her. “It’s just me,” I say softly.

  “I’m sorry.” She sits up, pulling away from me.

  “I’m not.” My words earn me a sweet smile.

  “Let me get you some of this food to take home with you, since we never got to eat.”

  Just like that, she’s dismissing me, but it’s getting late, and I haven’t earned my spot back in her life just yet. I’ll get there. “You sure?”

  “Yes, I made way too much.” She heads toward the kitchen, and I follow her like the lovesick fool I am. “Thank you for dinner, and for the talk.”

  “It was nice.” She slaps the lid on the container and hands it to me. “I’ll walk you to the door,” she says again, clearly dismissing me.

  I walk slowly, so much so I’m sure it’s painfully obvious to her. When I reach the door, I turn to face her. With one hand holding my leftover container of enchiladas, the other cups her cheek. “This isn’t me walking away.” I know we both know that, but I feel like I needed to say it.

  “I know. Goodnight, Grady.”

  Bending, my lips kiss the corner of her mouth. “Goodnight, Collins.” With that, I turn, open the door, and walk the mere feet to mine. I hate leaving her, but there is something comforting knowing she’s just next door.

  Tabby got home not long after I sent Grady back to his place. She kicked off her shoes, went straight to the kitchen, made herself a plate, and then settled on the couch. “Talk,” she said before she began shoveling food into her mouth. I’d been holding onto the details of this secret for years, so talk is what I did. I spilled it
all from that night, up until right before she walked through the door.

  ‘Wow,” she says, setting her now empty plate on the coffee table. Then she surprises me when she smacks my arm. Not hard enough to hurt, but still shocking all the same.

  “What was that for?” I rub my arm. Again, no pain, but it’s the shock.

  “You should have told me. I’m your best friend.” She pouts.

  “I know, but it was complicated. Honestly, Tab, I was embarrassed. I crushed on him for years, and I fell for him. He didn’t have to work to get me into that camper that night,” I tell her. “I went willingly. In fact, I initiated it.”

  “So,” she says, confused.

  “So, I was a naive girl who thought he wanted me, not just a warm place to stick his dick on a cold winter’s night.”

  “Collins, you know better than that. If anyone has a good head on their shoulders, it’s you. What is it your mom always says, you’re wise beyond your years? She’s right, and you know it.” She takes a drink of her water, letting her words sink in. “So, what are you going to do?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What I mean is that hot piece of man candy is fighting for you. What are you going to do? Fight him back or let him win?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Nah,” she says, grinning. “You know.”

  “I know what I want to do, but wanting and doing are two different things. I can’t do that again, Tabby. I can’t.”

  “You’re stronger than you realize. Besides, if, and that is a big-ass if, it happens again, I’ll be there for you. No shutting me out.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  She waves me off. “There is no best friend law that says you have to tell me everything, but it’s important to know that you can.”

  “I do know. I did know, but I was—”

  “Embarrassed, I get it. No more of that. Now, we need to invite him over for dinner again, ooh… or maybe out for drinks. I need to see how he acts around you to give you sound advice.” She nods as if she agrees with her own assessment. “I mean, from what you’ve told me alone, my guess is he’s sincere, and he’s not going to let go easily. However, I would like to see it for myself.”