LIVEBLOG

by Megan Boyle

  ‘…that the universe in its entirety was a message, to itself, to not feel bad—an ever-elaborating, languageless rhetoric against feeling bad—and he was troubled by this, suspecting that his thoughts and intentions, at some point, in April or May or years ago, in college or as a child, had been wrong, but he continued in that wrongness, and was now distanced from some correct beginning to a degree that the universe (and himself, as part of the universe) was articulately against him.’

  at some point she said in a frantic/panicked/almost angry-sounding voice something like ‘i had no idea how much drugs you were doing, i mean i think i knew sort of, i didn’t want to pay attention to it—and i want to say things like ‘don’t do that, you’re ruining your brain,’ as your mother, but also then i read this and i thought it’s fine, you’re just…it’s fine, the way he says it, i agree with this and i feel this and i don’t think your relationship was about drugs or whatever, i agree with this,’ then read this:

  ‘…he felt, to convey (mostly by slowly saying variations of ‘no’ and ‘I can’t think right now’) that there was no such thing as a ‘drug problem’ or even ‘drugs’—unless anything anyone ever did or thought or felt was considered both a drug and a problem—in that each thought or feeling or object, seen as touched or absorbed or remembered, at whatever coordinate of space-time, would have a unique effect, which each person, at each moment of their life, could view as a problem, or not.’

  she cried at ‘space-time.’ i was also crying. i don’t know why. it’s hard to read this sometimes. i feel lucky or something, to be sort of involved in this book, to be written about in this way, that tao found words to describe these things i remember feeling and thinking too, but haven’t made into words. mom kept saying ‘i had no idea.’ she cried about the part where i’m in the fourth grade, putting glitter on my eyes and wearing the purple t-shirt every day so aliens would see and come take me away. she said ‘i felt that too, as a kid. i didn’t know that’s why you did it.’ i said ‘he got it wrong, it was seventh grade, and only on fridays. do you remember herman? my herman necklace [ball and chain necklace with a glow in the dark alien charm on it]?’ she said ‘oh yeah. oh, herman.’

  i said something about how tao was able to articulate things i didn’t know how to, then i read this part, crying a little while reading:

  ‘The unlighted space all around him—and outside the SUV, the trees, sky—seemed more visible, by being blacker, or a higher resolution of blackness, almost silvery with detail, than normal, instead of what he’d sometimes and increasingly sensed, the past two months, mostly in his room, since one night when, supine on his yoga mat, his eyes, while open, had felt closed, or farther back in his head, and his room had seemed ‘literally darker,’ he’d thought, as if the bulb attached to his non-working ceiling fan had been secretly replaced, or like he was deeper inside the cave of himself than he’d been before and he didn’t know why.’

  mom said things about ‘jennika’ and how she didn’t know that was how our friendship ostensibly ended. she said she pictured tao as a little boy and remembered me in preschool hiding under tables and not talking to anyone and not knowing how to ‘deal with’ people, and how i’d cry before school a lot in middle school, not wanting to go in, and how she felt like ‘why am i doing this to my child, why does she have to go to school where it’s so horrible,’ and that tao ‘dealt with’ what i was ‘dealing with’ by becoming quiet. she kept saying ‘i had no idea.’

  in a gmail draft, typed these things she said as she said them: ‘it’s about two essentially playful souls who connected but the real world got in the way,’ ‘when i was young i was this reactionary person, waiting for whatever meteor would come my way,’ ‘it’s not about drugs, it’s not about breaking the rules, it’s about two people coming together in a moment that was beautiful and impossible to sustain.’

  i said i wanted to come back to baltimore, was thinking about taking a bus tonight. mom said wednesday would be better.

  7:44PM: drinking fourth corona. am supposed to figure out what’s wrong with my credit card. if i just don’t spend money for some amount of time it will be better. i have money in my paypal. going to find some way to transfer money from my paypal to my savings account, then to my checking, so i can pay for oil change and gas tomorrow.

  7:47PM: zachary emailed that he was going to philadelphia, something about bringing my bike back from travis’s apartment, then ‘nevermind.’

  7:58PM: mom called and i told her money plan. need job. more income. i haven’t billed vice for my last four articles. getting paid for doing the transcription. will have ~$800 from those things. need to get a job. shit.

  8:25PM: drinking another beer. is this bad. i don’t know. can’t tell. not interested. I AM GOING TO DO A YOGA DVD WHEEE!!!!! i live in rockaway beach/rockaway park someone come knock on my door already right now do it do it i’m here it’s 129 beach 118th st queens ny.

  10:44PM: smells like cigarettes in my room. listening to odd nosdam song…feels like an emotional map…like looking at a map of my emotions on earth from space.

  10:56PM: person from facebook might sell me adderall or vyvanse. my idea of what my paypal looks like…jesus…

  MY FUNDS, AS I KNOW THEM TO BE:

  • paypal: <$200

  • savings account: thought it’d be 0 by now but was able to withdraw $200 from it the other night to buy heroin. when i looked at it last night it said ~$500, seems like bank must’ve made an error allowing me to…something…also i have a CD that’s maturing in july that’s ~$1600, i thought that was my savings account that i was withdrawing/spending money from, i didn’t know the ~$1600 still existed, think i’ll be allowed to use it mid-july

  • checking: it says i have $13.67 but it also says -$91, i can’t use my card, i have no cash

  MONEY OWED TO ME:

  • vice: $400

  • transcription: $325

  • accident settlement: ~$3900

  not as dire as i thought. dad agreed to give me money for groceries and things. he puts it into my checking account. guilty about this. seems shitty of me. i’m 27 years old. i’m sick.

  THINGS RECENTLY WITHDRAWN WHICH SEEM TO BE ACCOUNTED FOR VIA MY DAD IS PAYING FOR ME TO EXIST FOR TWO MONTHS IN NYC WITHOUT GETTING A JOB:

  • $750 – june rent

  • $1500 – move-in fee + may rent

  THINGS I OWE TO PEOPLE:

  • $200 monthly truck school loan payment i’m two months behind on. they called and left a voicemail.

  fucked

  no i’m fine

  11:43PM: pooped. unsure if this is a suicide. i took birth control. if i don’t wake then i authorize everything i’ve written to be…everything i’ve done goes to tao lin, everything is his to decide what to do about. it’s 11:44PM. my cats have enough food for a few days, please don’t worry. i’m setting my alarm for 1AM so maybe i’ll wake then and take this down. just not sure if i’ll wake. it’s okay if i don’t, no harm or…it’s not an ‘ill will’ thing, everyone has been nice to me, just not sure if i’ve got enough whatever to keep me going until tomorrow.

  JUNE 11, 2013

  12:45AM: made hummus/romaine/parsley/garlic/lemon juice/olive oil/salt/chipotle pepper tortilla filling.

  12:55AM: the update before this seems extreme. i’m leaving it via…it’s…what i wrote and did was stupid, there’s no reason for me to cover up something i felt at the time. it was just a passing thing. i’m fine. ate another 1mg xanax. no more beer. i feel okay, like tomorrow i’ll be able to do things at an okay pace. be a normal person. these are just thoughts.

  4:57AM: woke, deleted ‘extreme’ update, drank gllass of water.

  3:40PM: woke around 1PM i think, re-pasted ‘extreme’ update. hard to move. it was sunny and now it’s cloudy. masha emailed. answered ask.fm questions. pooped twice. painted second coat of paint on nails. dad put $181 in checking account. the oil change place will be closed, maybe. think my license might be suspended alread
y. okay. ate chia mixture. drank 8.4oz sugar-free red bull. tao paid me for the transcription. looked at zachary’s twitter. it’s funny. want to eat pineapple.

  5:10PM: mom called. attorney’s office called also, i’m picking up paperwork from them on thursday. money from paypal will take three-to-five business days to transfer to savings. left long rambling voicemail for dad. swept and did dishes. ate noopept and snorted remaining heroin. cut open the straw i’ve been using and licked it. licked container and baggie also. i feel good. made celery/romaine/parsley/lemon juice blender drink.

  today i want to exercise and get a plastic bag for the mattress from the hardware store and take the mattress the fuck out to the dumpster. it has been in here too long. they won’t pick it up if it’s not in a bag. rachel white invited me to a thingy tonight. might go to that. okay. i feel better than i’ve felt since waking. unsure if it’s due to heroin. i don’t care why. if something makes you want to be more productive and improves your mood that’s good, i think. ‘defending drugs’ boyle.

  7:59PM: napped, remember also feeling conscious that i was a body on the bed. answered ask.fm questions. felt calm and good when i woke, like everything would be easy.

  8:07pm: walked to hardware store for mattress bag. It was closed. Walked to sleepy’s mattress something store. An employee was helping a man on a bike. The employee said ‘why he-llo! How are you tonight?’ I said ‘I’m very well, how are you?’ he said ‘outstanding. How may I help you?’ asked him about mattresses. He said ‘what size you have?’ I said ‘full?’ he said ‘full. I don’t know about full. Let’s see.’ I said ‘or queen? Queen, maybe?’ and followed him to the back to an area of mattresses stacked on a wall. He said ‘now these for a customer, they already bought, see? Sold.’ I said ‘oh.’ he said ‘they only send me twins, see? And it’s wrapped like this, I can’t, you know, I have to take it off!’ he pulled at a mattress bag and laughed. I said ‘oh no!’ he went into a little room. I said ‘I could just take two twins, and tape them together?’ he said ‘see but I can’t take it off!’ I said ‘oh, well that’s okay, thank you anyway.’ he said ‘I tell you what. You know kings plaza?’ i said ‘yeah, on Flatbush?’ he gestured with his arms like a wingspan. He said ‘yes, it’s this big. And there two sleepy’s, one on this side? And one on the other. You go there and you say ‘I’m a sleepy’s customer, dey sent me here for full-sized bag. And dey give to you for free!’ I said ‘oh great, thank you.’ he said ‘just ten minute drive? Up dere.’ I said ‘what train stop is it, do you know?’ he paused and looked outside and said ‘train? No, well it’s just the q thirty-five bus! Q thirty-five, you get it right dere. Okay?’ I said ‘great, yes. Thank you’ and left smiling.

  8:15pm: stood by a bus area. Typed directions in iPhone notes. Bus sign said ‘q53.’ thought he maybe got it wrong. Asked teenage couple where the 35 was. The girl pointed to sleepy’s and said ‘over there.’ walked to there. A woman in a green shirt with a cane was standing by the q35 bus sign. Went into deli next to the bus stop. The man said ‘hello!’ and smiled really big. Selected a thing of pineapple, sugar free red bull, water. Another man rung me up. The first man said ‘you from rockaway? No.’ I said ‘I am, I just moved here, one hundred eighteenth street.’ he said something about my tattoos while I looked for my credit card in my bag. I said ‘and I left it at home, I left my card. I’ll be right back.’ he said ‘okay take your time.’ walked back home. Fed cats.

  8:31pm: approaching deli with credit card. Four people are standing with two dogs, giving the dogs attention. A man said ‘twenny-five dogs! That was my mission for my birthday: to pet twenny-five dogs. And I did it! That’s what I did for my birthday.’ bought the things I had selected. The deli looked empty. The man was talking in another language to someone I couldn’t see. When I left he said ‘you come back soon, right?’ I smiled and said ‘okay I will.’

  8:38pm: bus approached. People disembarked. Walked onto bus and the driver said ‘nine o’clock. That’s the next bus.’ a short older man made eye contact with me and said ‘that’s late!’ I made ‘commiserating face.’ the bus driver walked out and said ‘hi’ to a man standing next to me, also leaning against a wall. The man said ‘what’s up man.’

  8:45pm: waiting for the bus. The leaning man is singing. Seems like sleepy’s will be closed. It’s starting to rain.

  8:48pm: they close at 9pm. Walking to waldbaum’s to get green smoothie things. Deleted ‘debating going to Manhattan to buy drugs,’ jesus the second I typed that I got a text from drug dealer I’d buy from. 10% off. Shit. Going to buy wine from liquor store to use for something for dinner. Don’t want to spend more money on drugs for now. Feel like I can do it. The only thing I need to do is to not buy drugs. Then I won’t have them.

  9:00pm: I want to make a nice ass dinner. Get a recipe from mom. The man in the liquor store asked to see my ID and I said ‘that’s kind of you.’ he was acting suspicious of me the whole time. A man came in and asked for captain Morgan. They were playing ‘dirty deeds done dirt cheap.’ Zachary and I used to sing that in funny voices.

  9:06pm: Walked to the opthomologist’s office and torn-down papa John’s to take a picture of the Manhattan skyline. Pretty. I don’t think you can see the skyline in the picture. Feel really good.

  9:34pm: sat on curb outside waldbaum’s, talking to mom on phone. She told me to watch Amy Schumer on comedy central. She said ‘she’s turning into a feminist, surprisingly. I don’t know if you’d like her personality, but some of the things she says are just really, really funny. She says women should exercise their vaginas so…they can use them, as weapons [laugh-laugh].’ She apologized for crying last night and I said ‘don’t apologize, that was nice, I was crying too, I felt good talking to you about it.’ walked by the plants, outside waldbaum’s. Mom said ‘oh honey you should do it, just buy a plant.’ I said ‘maybe tomorrow. I don’t want the cats to eat it.’ Asked her for a seafood recipe. I’m going to make this, typing before I forget:

  Scallops

  Butter

  Garlic

  Shallots

  Mushrooms

  Tomatoes

  White wine

  Lemon

  Capers

  Sauté the scallops in butter and garlic then set them aside. Using the same pan sauté the mushrooms, shallots, tomatoes, capers in more butter and lemon. Then you make it really hot and add the white wine and when it cooks down you put the scallops back in.

  Hell yeah. Mom said she figured out the recipe from a restaurant whose t-shirt I have, it says ‘chez Ferdinand.’ Restaurant has since changed their name to Tersiguel’s, I don’t think I ever went to it when it was called ‘chez Ferdinand.’

  10:34pm: walking home from waldbaum’s. Very windy. Followed a group of four college-aged girls in basketball shorts and team sports t-shirts and flip flops around the store. One of them said ‘yeah but we can take the shuttle, we’ll take the S and no one will see the liquor and we can take shots’ and the rest of them laughed. They were leaving a check-out lane. Wanted to be hanging out with them.

  11:07PM: called mom to confirm some things about the recipe. She said to call her when it was done, if I felt like it.

  11:53pm: dad called. I chopped garlic, shallots, tomato, mushrooms while we talked. He talked about how he likes working with mom on the new offices, they’re like ‘partners.’ he said ‘it just makes my heart sing.’ he said he was happy to see mom outside of work because usually they don’t talk. He kept saying ‘I’m so happy to have a partner.’ mom is ‘office manager,’ he gave her that title. Dad said ‘it’s just so good to hear your voice, to talk a little bit with you.’ I said it was good to hear his voice too. Made plans for dinner on Thursday. He seems very excited about the new offices. Felt complex things…it was easy to talk to him, it’s not usually easy. I told him I was feeling better overall. Told him things about doing the transcription for Tao and the transcriptions I’ll do for Zachery. Felt good to be talking with him comfortably/
non-awkwardly. Hung up and made food. Texted Matthew donahoo a few pictures.

  JUNE 12, 2013

  12:45AM: finished eating. tasted so good. called mom at 12:45 to tell her how it turned out. drank two glasses of white wine with club soda. told her i wanted to go to yoga in the morning, then do car things, then i’d be in maryland. ‘chopped’ has been playing on TV since i got home. also i took out the trash. great.

  1:43AM: typed most of this and imported pictures onto computer. texted [omitted] picture of food. watching ‘tattoo nightmares’ on TV. i feel okay. okay.

  2:52AM: felt really nauseated. vomited. embarrassed to write that for some reason. want to say ‘i didn’t make myself vomit.’ maybe there was as scallop issue. i think i also just ate too much, it was really good.

  4:11AM: woke to an infomercial. ate some hagen daaz green tea ice cream. stomach felt better. put on spurs vs. heat.

  7:23AM: woke to basketball stuff on TV.

  11:30AM: woke. basketball stuff was still on. have been laying in bed petting cats and reading internet. detailed dream i can almost remember.

  12:26PM: drinking sugar-free red bull. haven’t mentioned this but i think i broke my right middle finger a few days ago. a door slammed on it accidentally a few days ago. it’s okay. also haven’t mentioned that the other night i spilled glitter everywhere and now my bed is sparkly. looks better this way.

  1:41PM: answered ask.fm questions. got rid of the backlog of questions. okay. just deleted a long thing of me shittalking questions. i’m happy to receive questions still. some of the recent questions i liked. it’s probably obvious, the kinds of questions i don’t like. grea.t baearieakhjaekrhekjfhdksjhbfdskjhfbdskjfhbdskj. going to initiate ‘preparing to leave apartment phase one: shower’ now.