LIVEBLOG

by Megan Boyle

  3:42PM: phase four (take out trash/feed cats/pack bag/make bed/look at american apparel ‘sale’ bathing suits and start an order you don’t intend to finish) completed. preparing for departure of apartment. official departure sequence activating in 5, 4, 3, 2…

  4:06pm: filled gas. Asked attendant inside of they do oil changes. He said ‘nuh. Uh. But’ and gestured to the back and shook his head no. I said ‘are they open?’ he said ‘no. They close’ and sighed heftily. I said ‘oh okay, thank you’ and started to leave. I said ‘do you know who’s open?’ he gestured down the road and said ‘euh. Mobil?’ I said ‘oh Mobil, thank you.’ I liked him.

  4:10pm: pulled into Mobil. Saw two sets of legs hanging out the front seat of a white conversion van. One of the sets of legs looked like they were attached to a female ass. ‘bang a gong’ by t-Rex was playing. Got out of the car and said ‘hi, scuse me.’ a set of man-legs attached to a man-body slid out the door. The woman’s legs remained where they were. The woman turned around. I recognized her, she’s kindra, she took pictures of my car for a photo inspection so I could get insurance. She said ‘how’m I help you?’ I said ‘oh hi! Do you guys do oil changes?’ she said ‘yeah, you come back tomorrow?’ I said ‘oh no, I need it today I think, but…’ she said ‘you come back tomorrow, right now I tryna finish up dis one.’ I said ‘that’s okay, thank you though.’ she was smiling really big the whole time, leaning out of the van. When I left the man scooted back into the front seat. They were looking at the floor.

  4:22pm: I’m in a waiting area at the gulf station across from the first gas station. Being helped by an attractive man named Chris. He is servicing my car. I think ‘servicing’ is really funny. I’m being serviced by Chris. It will be about 20 minutes. I smell a little like the scallop stuff from last night, I’m bringing leftovers for mom to try. A drake ringtone just went off. A man’s voice answered the phone. He said ‘ey ma.’ he is talking in Spanish to a woman’s Spanish-speaking phone voice.

  4:25pm: man with a shaved head wandered into waiting area. Just felt excited about ‘getting to do this,’ like liveblog is my version of a living in Sims-like video game. Holding my phone like I’d hold my DS. Where the hell is my DS. It was a DS lite. It was pink. What happened…

  4:27pm: insane email from dentist. this isn’t the first time I’ve received an email like this from this dentist.

  4:36pm: I have finished being serviced. Transaction complete. Going to start saying ‘transaction complete’ after sex. Maybe ‘service me’…maybe…no I don’t like it too ‘Sarah Silverman.’ Pulling in to Duane reade parking lot.

  4:50pm: bought this pink silicone sea urchin toy for mom. Got ‘snack happy’ in Duane reade. Treating my snack happy ass to some stuff that’s barely…I don’t see how you can gain weight by eating ‘white cheddar ‘pirate’s booty’ puffs’ and red licorice. It’s barely there. The cashier smiled when I said ‘this too’ about the pink sea urchin. There was a problem with my card. I said ‘I could go to the ATM…’ she said ‘sign here’ and I did. She said ‘your card is damaged.’ she had gold lipstick and a Jamaican accent. Felt like she was my fairy godmother. I said ‘oh yeah, it’s been acting weird, I’ll get it fixed tomorrow.’ fairy godmother daycare person letting me have all the nothing snacks and the pink thing, lovingly tolerating my childish ways.

  4:58pm: thought ‘it’s summertime baby and I’m your snack daddy’ in Austin powers’ voice.

  5:02pm: so I’m going to poop this out eventually? That’s how this is going to work? It’s going to give me cancer? That’s how stuff is done? These days? Nowadays? Hm.

  5:05pm: these things are like what I imagine you’d need to eat as ‘fuel supplements’ before time traveling. Like how in ‘the abyss’ they breathed in this pink fluid so they could breathe underwater. Mmhmm. So these things are like that. Hypothetically. See? You feel me?

  8:09pm: pulling off on an exit where there was a chic-fil-a sign. Have to pee bad, also very hungry. Sang along to nico in car, I made a video. I can impersonate nico kind of. Pretty embarrassing video. Uploaded to You-Tube. Responded to email from person from rolling stone who’s profiling Tao and wants to ask me some things.

  8:34pm: woman in handicapped spot next to me is talking to a man on my other side. She yelled ‘shh baby. You know what that means?’ now she is following a man in a truck, honked horn at him six times in a row.

  8:58pm: listening to the new pornographers. Got caught up in a missing Zachary thing. He liked this band but the missing thing happened before I was listening to music. So. You could say I’m listening to this because of missing him. That is one thing you could say. Emailed rolling stone person. Can picture Zachary going ‘they want to talk to an idiot like you? Huh.’ I miss him a lot right now.

  9:26pm: gave mom pink sea urchin. Dropped it on the way in, it makes neon rainbows. Mom liked it. She put it in her dress and said ‘or it could just be, you know, like this, if you ever wanna va-va-voom.’ I said ‘yeah, for the club, for that extra boost you need sometimes. One boob only night.’ An old SNL was on TV. I said ‘oh, samurai…’ mom said ‘I know.’ I said ‘I have to talk to rolling stone now, hahaha.’ mom said ‘I kn-oo-ow! Want me to turn the TV down?’ I said ‘no it’s just fine. I am going to shut my door though.’ she said ‘okay honey.’ Messaged the rolling stone person on Skype. Air is fizzing out of my sparkling water bottle. Ate noopept. Put a new cartridge in e-cigarette.

  9:31pm: rolling stone person said he’d call on Skype in five minutes.

  11:00PM: the rolling stone person was female. haha me. ambiguous name. worried i said ‘too much’ about tao, also don’t think there’s ‘too much’ i could say about anything.

  11:59PM: watching steve martin host SNL. dad came in at some point and i left.

  JUNE 13, 2013

  12–2:30AM: unprecedentedly long text message conversation with [omitted]. maybe longest text message exchange of ever. it was like constant, like a gchat. okay. good. i’m thinking ‘okay. good.’ or ‘okay. great.’ as kind of ‘brain hiccups’ lately. the periods are part of it, when i think it.

  3:51AM: tired. emailed rolling stone person links to all the mdmafilms event coverage/trailers/movies with corresponding ‘page #’s where i think this happens in ‘taipei.” i said ‘this is probably excessive’ in beginning of email. made toast.

  12:01PM: woke.

  2:09PM: talked with mom, she finished ‘taipei.’ ate four small pieces toast. drinking coffee. having a hard time waking. need to go to lawyer’s office.

  do you people ever shake your head or sit up too fast or rub your eyelids too hard and you see black swarming glittery dots? they’re really pretty. they move ‘softly.’ like soft…they’re like drills. little spinning drills. anyone? *sparkly* it is key that you understand the sparkliness. like when cartoons ‘see stars?’ anyone?

  mom said ‘you are really slender, you lost a lot of weight.’ she got a call from someone renting one of my dad’s offices and i went to my room. we talked a little more about the book but i felt this fatigue thing…toast-driven fatigue…

  i want to drive to mountains in frederick, md

  i used to drive to frederick when i didn’t feel so good

  i feel okay today

  i want to pick up papers from the attorney for the accident settlement

  2:32PM: i’m listening to system of a down. the one where he’s like ‘why have you forsaken me.’ so funny.

  overheard mom say ‘oh you’re in aruba? in curacao? oh that’s wonderful’ on the phone.

  4:08PM: mom offered me half her bagel. talked about the pros and cons of going outside. she left a little while ago to go to bed bath & beyond to get ‘a toilet thing’ for dad’s office. forgot i’m having dinner with dad tonight. feeling strange. answered ask.fm questions. have been reading about aliens on the internet. drank 12oz sugar-free red bull and maybe three cups coffee but feel only up to ‘barely normal’ levels of processing/functioning. looks like it’s going to rain
, there is thunder.

  5:01pm: in car now. Guess I’m driving to Frederick. Attorney’s office called, I called them back, coming in tomorrow. Ate 10mg adderall to improve mood. Receiving concerta shipment this week. Comforted by this, like this is my ‘cushion.’ Now looks like too much traffic going to Frederick. Now too much traffic in the new direction I’m going. I’ll go to Towson.

  5:24pm: I’m going to a goodwill I like in Westminster. Keep thinking about this ask.fm question I was asked, about how exciting and scary as hell it would be to have my consciousness reformed into a computer living forever

  Eternal consciousness

  I believe in that anyway kind of

  Things I don’t think people would think I believe in:

  God

  Existence of souls

  Hm. Guess that’s it. Sounds stereotypical or whatever but I attribute belief in both of these things to experiences with dmt and transcendental meditation. Also just doesn’t make sense for those things not to exist, in some way. Person in jeep behind me just skidded to avoid collision. I’m in front of a jeep too.

  I think of god as like ‘my little buddy’

  Like when I’m alone in my head there’s also this other awareness

  Existential awareness…has something to do with how I suddenly started existing…since I was a kid, have felt this. Like it’s not just me in here

  Could also be schizophrenic

  I mean I know it’s just me/my voice/ego/internal monologue in here

  The thing I’m talking about is more of a feeling

  Like I wouldn’t be feeling it if I wasn’t alive

  Hard to describe

  Aware I might be making this up as a ‘coping with mortality’ defense mechanism

  So there’s that doubt thing

  Kierkegaard…the leap of faith thing…

  Felt impacted by that essay in 2010 philosophy class

  Crazy how much better I feel on just a little bit of adderall

  The difference is astounding

  Adderall: the difference is astounding

  The difference: simply astounding

  Make a difference: the adderall difference (a different difference!)

  The adderall difference, by Stephen Elliott

  God is just farming me out to…it’s like, being paid by a pharmaceutical company. I’m an adderall ad paid for by god

  Prove to me that’s not true

  I’m walking in to goodwill now

  Also: what a difference wearing undies that don’t fall down makes. Especially when wearing a skirt over them. What a difference!

  6:11pm: I’ve seen like 10-15 ‘Alfred dunner’ brand women’s tops here. Someone is clearing out their Alfred dunner. Fantasized about replacing my entire wardrobe with Alfred dunner. Dunnering it up. Alfred: it’s what’s for dunner. I want to meet the person who wears exclusively Alfred dunner. Watch TV with them in their la-z-boy. Nascar. It would be a male, somehow. I don’t know. Alfred dunner makes androgynous almost exclusively size 12 clothes, from what I can discern from this goodwill.

  7:28pm: have been doing fast-paced fact-checking emails with rolling stone person. Exciting. Meeting dad for dinner

  9:15pm. Going back to mom’s to milk brain for June 4-June 6 elaborations.

  8:15PM: mom made hot dogs and baked beans. they smell really good. she is watching monty python. showed her my goodwill bounty and tried to answer questions about the quality of furniture at goodwills to the best of my ability. ate last 10mg adderall and a little bit of noopept.

  EVERYTHING I REMEMBER FROM JUNE 4, 2013 – JUNE 6, 2013 (CONT.):

  i stayed awake all night working on the chris killen transcription june 4. ate adderall from masha without thinking about rationing, like, allowing myself to not ration, to finish transcription. tao gave me extensions on the deadlines. sent him the hummus thing around 7:45PM and the chris thing around 10:15PM. my phone was on silent and spencer had called maybe five times. forgot about alex seedman + spencer + willis excursion to beach. told willis i might be sleeping due to working on thought catalog things all night but then time kept going.

  i think this is the night my juicer stopped working. talked with mom for maybe two hours and got off the phone around midnight. people at dad’s office don’t like how she decorates. there is one person renting an office who like, gave her an unnecessarily hard time about chairs. seems shitty. my dad makes the office really nice, he like, buys coffee and snacks for renters/colleagues. my mom is decorating for free like it’s a full-time job…and they’re just chairs…i don’t know. so. she vented to me about that, about this one person i know and like, who i could also picture throwing a tantrum about chairs.

  june 5 i texted with mira about if we were going to the launch party, and that we’d figure out things about driving to baltimore for our reading the next day at the party. she said she’s doing an internship at penguin books and works part-time. slept a little. i did laundry. there were three loads and i didn’t have enough quarters. it was sunny. went to the non-pickles & pies deli to get change for $7 and the guy gave me $5. a woman by the counter said ‘you never give me quarters.’ the deli guy was the guy who told me i smelled nice the night i got thai food and talked to masha on the phone and it was windy and there was a concrete-fixer man in the doorway. he’s always there. he’s chill. encountered him day before yesterday also, he said he was falling asleep. easy/effortless communications. he gave me $5 of quarters. walked to chinese food place and got remaining $2. looked at menu for chinese place on the walk back to apartment. it was around 4:30PM. knew i should leave by 6PM to get to powerhouse arena by 7PM.

  talked to mark while loading quarters in the machines. he was mopping the floor and advised me to use two dryers. he said ‘does it smell like beer in here to you?’ i said ‘no, maybe it’s my detergent though. because i wash my clothes with beer.’ he laughed. i like mark. we shot the shit. felt like i wasn’t the one doing the talking for me, someone else had stepped in. mark asked how my apartment was and i said the fuses blew out the other night and my fan and other lights don’t work. he said ‘oh, you just gotta flip the fuses, you got a fuse box on the wall.’ i said ‘i know, i tried…that’s how it happened. the blowing out.’ he said ‘well i’ll come up and take a look at it sometime.’ this is the first time conversation felt difficult, explaining to him…the…it’s even hard to type, what i just typed. ‘knew’ he wouldn’t come up to check. asked him if he was the person who puts packages by my door. he said ‘nah, that’s the mailman. we have the mailmen do it. they put it up to your door.’ i said ‘that’s so nice.’

  it was getting later. remember considering ordering chinese food from the place. this day is very much colored in my memory with ‘should i buy chinese food’ and looking at my apartment with no curtains on the walls or sheets on the bed. looked at the menu for ciro’s pizza also. think it was around 5:45PM when i walked back up to my apartment from putting the clothes in the dryer. realized i wouldn’t be able to shower because i didn’t have towels so i ‘did’ my toes and fingers, like, scraped the dead skin off my feet and rubbed a four-sided stick on my toenails so they’d get shiny. knew i was going to be late for the launch party which, at this time, i thought was a reading.

  around 6:15PM i went downstairs to get mostly still-damp clothes from dryer. threw everything on the bed. blow-dried hair and changed outfit a few times, then used hairdryer to dry sweat from hair/being hot in the apartment. wore white dress i had only worn once, on new year’s eve 2011-2012 at a motel with zachary, with black tights and a black belt and black high heels. thought ‘high class hot girl from ‘girls’ whose dad is a newscaster in real life and isn’t a character that much anymore.’ nervous about [omitted] this whole time. this was part of why i was late, i think. nervousness.

  left apartment around 7:05PM. really did get ready pretty fast, i think. realized i didn’t know where i had left my car the other night (after coming home from michael seidlinger roof party around 5A
M). jogged to the street and made eye contact with an older woman who said ‘hurry up’ and i said ‘i will’ quietly. walked up and down 118th-108th streets, looking for car. passed a zumba class and texted mira ‘i don’t know where my car is, should i just take a zumba class.’ she and sam were at the [keep wanting to call it ‘reading;’ i was driving when i found out it was just a party] party already. it was 45 minutes away. looked up cabs in my area and didn’t see any. followed a black cab-looking car down 113th st on the ‘giving up’ walk back to my apartment and my car was there. got in. drove fast. did small bump of heroin and gian texted to see if i had any and i said yes and that i was on my way and bringing it. mira asked if i had xanax for she and sam and that they’d pay for it. i said ‘you can have it for free if [omitted]’ and she said ‘[omitted].’

  saw spencer and people exiting powerhouse arena when i turned left in front of it to look for parking. remember mira saying ‘spencer and people left to go to some other bar’ maybe three times throughout the night…seemed really funny every time, unintentional non-sequitur. parked on water st. nicholas texted that he was at the party and getting ready to leave and asked where i was. i texted that i was walking inside. this was around 8:30PM.

  found mira and sam cooke pretty fast. i think…shit. they were outside. we were all outside. willis’ NYU friend who works at powerhouse joined us. remember hitting mira and sam in excited frenzy and repeating ‘is it just a reading’ and ‘what did i miss’ and maybe ‘where are you going now,’ and them saying ‘they just ran out of alcohol’ and ‘spencer and people just left to go to some other bar’ and shrugging with these faces…i’m laughing…we were all on ‘overdrive.’

  inside: seemed chaotic. recognized a lot of people right away. saw gian right away and handed him hot pink straw and blue compartment drug container thingy with heroin in it and watched him disappear in the crowd. this became my ‘thing.’ i would leave conversations to say ‘i want to find gian, he has my drugs.’ i don’t know if i told gian that. he was my ‘out.’ had funny inner dialogue about my frantic/illogical/insistent desire to leave conversations as soon as i’d start them, and gian’s passive involvement. i felt like i was talking about him like he was ‘tino’ from ‘my so-called life’—who i don’t think really existed, the audience never saw tino. i repeated ‘i need to go find gian, he has my drugs’ to people a lot.