Learning to Love

by Trinity Wood

Tayla insists on a selfie with all of us. “I haven’t dolled up for nothing, ladies. Say cheeeeeeese.” We take some seats, and I notice a couple of girls insistently looking at us. “What’s up with those chicks right there? Do any of you know them?” Corinne voices my thoughts exactly.

  “Nah, they don’t look familiar to me. Maybe some models you’ve worked with or something?” I ask Corinne.

  They make their way towards us, and there’s no escape.

  “Are you Sam Northcroft’s girlfriend?” It feels like they’re circling me like eagles. Tayla laughs, and says something inaudible to Corinne.

  I aim to be friendly but brief. “Yes. What’s up?”

  “You look different on Instagram … Smaller.” The tall one frowns. “Does that mean he’s very tall?”

  I’m do a double take, and Tayla and Corinne laugh harder. “Erm, I suppose he is.”

  “Ok, ladies, you had your answers. Ellie’s going to tell Sam she met you, alright? Have a good evening.” Tayla shoos them away, rescuing me from one of the most embarrassing situations I’ve had recently, and I’ve had plenty.

  The girls leave unsatisfied, chattering.

  I shrug my shoulders. “That was … weird. I don’t get what they wanted. What’s the point.” I check my phone again. No message from Sam this evening, but I’ll see him tomorrow.

  “Probably wanting to see what he sees in you.” Corinne sounds serious, and I turn towards her.

  “I know I’m short. Don’t have to keep reminding me.” My laugh is a bit strained. “My mum’s short. My dad’s short. I can’t help it. Don’t have the lanky genes, like Sam’s ex.”

  Tayla winks at me. “One word, two letters. E-X. There’s a reason that she’s an ex and you’re not, so I wouldn’t worry too much about her.”

  A mic buzzes in the background.

  I stand on tiptoe and look toward the sound. “Is there a band here tonight?”

  An announcer steps up, taps the mic. “We are proud to welcome Gold Olympic Rowing Medallist and all-round good New Zealander, Laura Killarney, here in Auckland, Tamaki Makaurau, the city of lovers. Tell us, Laura, how can we love our ocean a bit more? The host’s announcement drops like a bomb in my ribcage.

  Corinne and Tayla gasp, and the two girls who came earlier snicker.

  Laura, a tall leggy blonde, strides confidently towards the stage, thanks the host, and cracks a few jokes to warm up the audience. I am mesmerized by how she works the room. Her tone becomes more serious as she starts talking about ocean conservation, and at the end of her speech, she urges everyone to donate as much as they can. She’s animated, and I find myself quite liking her. I really don’t understand how Sam could break up with someone like her, sporty and easygoing.

  The host announces some raffle or another, but I stop listening.

  “She was something.” Tayla’s words break through to me. “But don’t compare yourself to her. Obviously Sam wants something different, and that’s you.” She points at me.

  “Don’t sweat it. Let’s get a drink.” Corinne is ever practical.

  We walk up to the bar, I pick up one of the pear and ginger margarita cocktails on offer, and as I turn to comment on how amazing it looks, I land face to face with Laura. She’s at least a head taller than me, and I’m wearing heels. I can’t feel more intimidated.

  “Hey. How’s it going?” Laura asks with an easy smile. She seems open and friendly.

  I throw caution to the wind. “Not too bad. What about you? I’m Ellie by the way.”

  Laura smiles. “I know who you are.” She says it in a funny cloak and dagger voice, and I can’t help but burst out laughing. I can see from the corner of my eye that Tayla and Corinne are letting out deep breaths they’d been holding in.

  “Where is Sam tonight? Tell him I said hi.” I find that a bit strange. Are they friends still?

  “He’s away training.”

  She turns to leave and mingle.

  I stop her in her tracks and tap her on the shoulder. “Hey, before you head off … quick question. Why did you guys break off the engagement?”

  She looks at me with a mix of sadness and impatience. “You had to go there, huh.” She crosses her arms and shakes her head, choosing her words carefully. “We shouldn’t have been engaged in the first place. Sam … he’s … different. He’s away a lot. He’s … unavailable. Emotionally. Anyway, good luck.” She clearly means with Sam’s emotional unavailability. “See you around.” She leaves.

  Her last words haunt me like the unfriendliest of ghosts. I walk back to Tayla and Corinne, and they can tell something’s wrong.

  “Do I need to follow the bitch into the bathroom and give her a piece of my mind? What did she say to you?” Tayla’s always got my back.

  “Nah, she was friendly. I was just dumb enough to ask why she and Sam broke up. Messed up.” The girls hug me wordlessly, and as we leave and make our way back to Tayla and Corinne’s through the rain, the feeling of inadequacy strangles me. I can’t breathe, but it won’t let go.

  ***

  Sam

  It's absolutely pissing down with rain, and it's taking so much longer to get home. Traffic is crawling from Whangarei southbound. A journey that usually takes four hours has taken six and counting. We're not even in sight of the Harbor Bridge yet.

  On one hand, I'm excited to go beyond the bridge, home into Bella Vista, and see Ellie when she comes home from work. On the other hand, I'm absolutely dreading telling her about the Round the World Ocean Race. I have no clue how she'll react.

  We finally make our way over the bridge, and thankfully I'm one of the first drop-offs. I open the door to the house, and Daisy barks and wags her tail in excitement.

  "Missed you too, girl. What have you been up to?" I give her pats and rubs, and she lies on her back, lapping up all the attention.

  There are still a couple of hours left until Ellie comes back home from daycare, so I unpack, put a wash on, change clothes, and go out briefly for some groceries. I'm going to surprise her with a cooked dinner. My skills don't stretch very far, or as Corey says, I can cook enough not to starve, but I'm going to push the boat out tonight.

  After looking up some recipes online, I choose something that seems fancy but easy enough to prepare—Salmon Wellington, fish in puff pastry. I buy ready-made pastry, of course, and set about making the dish, ready to pop into the oven when she's on the way home.

  I go through my emails, studiously avoiding the Round the World Race details one. My brother just saying Hi. Some media requests. Some contracts. Nothing amazing. I flick the race email open and quickly scan the details. First of March start, but early departure advised. How early is early? Like two weeks early? Or like two days early? Surely there's some training involved. I ponder this for a while and don't hear the key turning in the lock.

  "You're home." Ellie rushes towards me, and I'm engulfed once again in the nearness of her. My arms wrap around her automatically, like they always do, and a shiver passes through her while we kiss.

  "Are you cold? Let's turn the heat pump on. It's unusually cold for January. This rain is just ridiculous. It hasn't stopped for two days." I want to look after her, I want her to be comfortable in our house.

  "What's this?" She's looking at the salmon dish.

  "Oh, shit. That should have been in the oven by now." I'm panicking. I was trying to impress her with some nice home cooked food, and it's slowly going to pot.

  "That's okay. Let's put it in now, and we can have some cheese on crackers while it's cooking." In one sweep, Ellie makes everything better.

  I can't take my hands off her. "I love you, do you know that?"

  "Love you too. I'm impressed with the food. Looks yum." She stands up on her tiptoes and kisses me. "Now tell me, how was training?"

  I swallow a knot. Now would be a good time to tell her. I can feel Corey and Florian urging me from afar.

  I stroke her hair while she nibbles on a cheese cracker. "It was good. We saw the Brits tr
aining as well and could glean a bit into their racing style … but then it started raining heavily so we came back." I can't do it. I can't. "And how have you been?"

  Ellie looks at me with her brilliant eyes and smiles. "I've been well. Last night we went to this ocean conservation charity event. You'd have liked it, probably. Or maybe not, cause you don't like going out." Her laughter makes my heart soar, even if it's at my expense.

  "Oh? Tell me more." I kiss her forehead, her cheeks, her lips.

  "I can't concentrate when you do this." Her eyes are half shut, and her lips slightly open, inviting me for more kisses.

  I bite her lip gently. "What about this?"

  "Hm … Your ex Laura was there."

  That's a mood killer if I ever heard one. "Did she say something to you?" Laura doesn't hold a grudge as far as I know.

  Ellie looks at me for a second. I can't tell if she's happy, sad, or something in between.

  The oven timer beeps, and I take out the salmon and let it cool on the rack.

  Ellie pours two glasses of white wine, and hands me one.

  "Cheers to you coming back in one piece." She takes a sip, watching me intently.

  I need to muster up the courage. It's now or never. "Ah … listen, I was going to talk to you about something." I run my fingers through my hair, like I always do when I'm nervous. Ellie can read me like an open book, usually, but I don't think she imagines what I have to say this time.

  She perches atop one of the breakfast bar stools and continues sipping her wine. "I'm all ears."

  "Do you remember that race I told you about? The one I applied for a couple of months before I met you?"

  Her brows furrow as she thinks, trying to remember. Her mouth parts and her gaze darts to mine. Yep. There it is. She remembers.

  "Yesterday I found out I was selected for the team …"

  "The team for the Round the World Race?" Her face is a blank mask, and I can’t read it.

  "We sail around the world for up to a year. Every month we dock at a port around the globe for a couple of days …"

  Ellie looks like she's going to be sick. Her face is ashen, and her lip trembles. When she speaks, her voice is so small I can barely hear. "A year? Why?"

  Daisy senses something's wrong, darts straight to Ellie's feet, and lies down.

  "A year’s not that long in the grand scheme of things … You could … come to the ports around the world each month. Brazil, Hong Kong, San Francisco … we could have a couple of days together on land here and there." When Corey suggested this, I thought it was a great idea. Now, seeing Ellie's stricken face … What have I done?

  Ellie jumps off the counter, almost spilling her wine. She finishes it in one gulp and the glass clatters against the counter, toppling, when she slams it down. "How long have you known about this? Why haven't you told me this was a possibility from the beginning? And more importantly what the hell are you thinking, Sam? I can't just drop my job like an old hat to go around following you from port to port, while wondering if you're still alive." I've never seen Ellie this angry.

  "I'm sorry, okay. It's something I've wanted to do since I was a child. You could always ... quit your job. You don't need to work. I earn enough for both of us." My toes squirm as I say it. This is going downhill very fast. What the hell am I doing?

  Ellie’s brown eyes are furious, and she’s got her hands on her hips, telling me off like I’m one of her preschoolers. "You … you wanker. Just like you, I love my job and don't want to leave it for the world. The fact that it pays less than yours doesn't mean it's less important. "

  I pace away from her then back. “It’s not like you didn’t know this was a possibility. I told you I signed up for it.”

  “You did.” She nods, her lips pressed thin. “But you also said it was unlikely you’d be picked. You made it sound like it wasn’t a possibility.”

  I don't have an explanation. Seeing her so upset makes me even quieter. I withdraw as I do with any conflict, ever.

  Now she's pacing around the room. "And what do you expect me to do, hang around this house for a year then you waltz back into my life fresh as a daisy? I'm telling you, no fucking way."

  "Ellie, listen. I'm really sorry I haven't told you about it, I don't have an excuse. It's not a long time in the grand scheme of things, you can come to some if not all of the ports. I'll pay for your tickets. I'll be safe. Corey and Florian are also going. We'll look after each other." I hope to reason with her, I don't know what the alternative is.

  A sob escapes her chest, and she runs towards our bedroom, Daisy and I hot on her heels. Under my shocked gaze, she picks out one of her suitcases from the wardrobe and stuffs her clothes into it.

  I'm in a daze. Only a few hours ago I was on my way home, excited to see her again, making that stupid salmon pastry thing. Now she's leaving me.

  I step forward, hoping to catch her scent, to catch her into my arms and never let her go. "Ellie… please."

  She looks at me through tears, her voice shaking but determined. "It's not going to work, Sam. You think my job is worthless. You tell me that you’re fucking off for a year. It’s not working.”

  "Okay." I'm speechless. I don't know what to say to keep her from leaving this house, from leaving my life completely.

  "Where are you going?" I worry about her. Tayla has a new flatmate. She can’t just return there, can she?

  "I'm going to crash at Tayla's in the spare room until I find something." Ellie finishes packing a suitcase. She takes Daisy and goes to her new car, a Toyota Corolla. She refuses any help from me. She looks at me briefly over her shoulder. “Tayla and Corinne will pick up the rest of my stuff.”

  I stand in the pouring rain, watching the love of my life drive away, and my heart breaks into crumbs.

  I go back inside the house, now empty of Ellie, of Daisy, of everything I love. Instead, there's that stupid salmon pastry on the rack, cold by now, and our two half empty glasses of wine.

  I can't believe what just happened. What if I never see her again? Have I ruined everything? But she can’t expect me to just give up sailing. And this race … I didn’t apply for it to spite her. I did it before I even knew her. But damn, is the race worth losing her? I shut that thought down. I have to do the race. I have to because … because … My heart races. My palms sweat. The walls creep closer and closer, and I can’t breathe. I need to get out, get some fresh air. So what it's raining, we're not made of sugar. That's what my old sailing coach used to say.

  I put my cap on, grab the keys, wallet and phone, and step out again into the New Zealand rain. I am drenched in the first few seconds, making my heart beat faster. I run to forget about the dull ache in my chest. I don't know how I'm going to get over it. I run to the Marina and back through mostly empty streets. Running back up the hill gets my heart racing, but I still can't shake away the need for Ellie. Did she get to Tayla’s safely? Should I text her?

  I return home soaked and shivering. After a change and a shower, I pick up the Salmon Wellington by hand like it was a sausage roll and bite into it. Not bad.

  I message Corey and Florian that I want to leave early, maybe this coming weekend, a full three weeks ahead of departure. They're excited and don't question it.

  The longer I can delay telling everyone about Ellie and I, the better. It's going to be like an all-consuming hurricane, so I lay in wait for what's to come.

  Chapter 16

  Ellie

  "What. The. Hell." Tayla dropped a piece of toast, and Daisy rushed to grab it as I walk into the Hillcrest house with my suitcase.

  Corinne’s eyes are wide with surprise. She wraps her arms around me and sits me on the couch. "Babe, sit down. What happened? Did someone die?"

  I smile bitterly. "Feels like someone died, yes."

  Taya paces the space in front of the couch, arms flying like windmills. "Is he whoring? Has he been dipping where he shouldn't? I don't trust these quiet ones. Still water runs deep." Tayla is ready to jump
at Sam's throat. She's so loyal, it brings tears to my eyes.

  Corrine pats my shoulder. "Aw, don't cry babe, nobody deserves it. Do you think he's at home crying for you? I doubt it." Corinne's right, I doubt it too. He's probably happy to be rid of a nuisance.

  "Nah, wasn't that. Hey, I didn't have dinner. With one thing and another. Could I please have a bit of what you're having?" My tummy rumbles audibly.

  Tayla runs to the kitchen. "Sure, sweetie, have some baked beans on toast, and some nice chamomile tea. Now tell us what happened." Tayla returns, handing me the food and drink.

  "Sam came back from training. Wants to go sailing around the world for a whole year in a race. Wants me to wait at every port he's at, once a month for a couple of days." Even as I'm telling them about our argument out loud, I realize how terrible it sounds. I start eating the simple dinner, and the chamomile tea has a near instant calming effect.

  "Hold up. He wants to WHAT? He just came home, like literally today. This afternoon." Corinne just can't compute. I know how it feels. I can’t wrap my head around it, either.

  I take a large bite of toast and wash it down with tea. “And he said I should quit my job.” I’m still furious at the thought.

  "No fucking way, Ellie. I'm telling you, no fucking way. He's playing you like a fiddle. How long has he known about this?" Tayla dots the i, as usual.

  I shake my head. “He did tell me. But he made it sound like it wouldn’t happen, so I … I put it out of my mind. Even though I knew about it, it still feels like a punch to the gut, unexpected and ugly. “Really, it’s his suggestion that I quit my job that hurts the most. Like what I do doesn’t matter.” I choke on the last words and cry into my tea.

  Tayla plops down on the couch beside me. “So he told you? Once. And then let you forget about. Ha. Like he was covering his tracks or something.” She pops back up. “I’m gonna go slash his tires.”

  I pull her back down with a tear-filled laugh. Somehow she makes me feel a bit better.