Condemned to Love: 

by Davis, Siobhan

  “I’m just updating Esme and Pen. The news is all over Glencoe, and they were worried about me.”

  “Don’t tell them about the Greenwich house,” I say, perching on the side of the bed beside her as I unbutton my shirt.

  She frowns. “Why not?”

  “I don’t want anyone to know you and Rowan are there. As far as family and friends are concerned, you are both living here. Until we figure this out, keeping our location a secret is critical. Besides, no one knows where my house is. I have gone to great lengths to keep it hidden, and I’d like to keep it that way.” I remove my shoes and socks, digging my toes into the soft plush gray carpet.

  “How bad is this, Ben? And please don’t lie to me.”

  I take her hand in mine when she sets her phone on the bed. “I won’t lie to you, Sierra. I will tell you anything you need to know, but is this really what you want to discuss now?” I tuck her hair behind her ear. “I’m not deflecting. You’ve been through a lot today. Let’s just sleep, and when you and Rowan are settled into the house tomorrow, we can talk.”

  She nods slowly. “I thought I could keep myself removed from what you do, but I realize now how stupid and naïve that was.”

  “I understand, and honestly, I would rather you didn’t know too much, but shielding you by keeping you in the dark was a foolish plan. You don’t need to know everything, but you need to know enough to understand the risks. Maybe if I had told you about the Russian threat and what has happened in Vegas, you might have been more suspicious, and you might have guessed what Lucille was up to.”

  “It’s doubtful,” she says, “but knowledge is power, and I can’t protect myself and Rowan if I don’t know the basics.”

  “I agree.”

  She smiles. “Look how far we have come.”

  I lean in and kiss her, just because I feel like it. This kiss is tender, unlike any kiss we have shared before, but I can’t be rough with her today. Not after the things she has endured. “Hold that thought,” I whisper over her lips. “I need to grab a shower.” I stand, battling a yawn.

  “Esme and Pen are going to my house tomorrow to pack up more of our stuff,” she says, her eyes widening as I remove my dress shirt. Her eyes follow a path from my shoulders, down over my chest, and along my abs. Two rosy dots stain her cheeks as her eyes latch on to the line of dark hair leading into my pants and the obvious swelling of my cock behind my zipper.

  It’s on the tip of my tongue to say something dirty, but I won’t make tonight about sex. Clearing my throat, I fight a smirk as she whips her head up to my face, her cheeks staining a darker shade of red. “Just let me know when they are ready, and I’ll send a van to pick everything up,” I say.

  “I’m not packing up everything,” she supplies. “And I’m not saying this is a permanent arrangement either.”

  “Whatever you say.” I let my smirk loose. She can act delusional if she wants. I’ll give her that tonight.

  She purses her lips and narrows her eyes. “I thought you were taking a shower.”

  “In a rush to get rid of me now?” I ask, removing my belt and unbuttoning my pants. I let them fall to my feet, enjoying the shocked gasp that escapes her lush lips.

  “I’m tired,” she blurts, working hard to avoid ogling me as I finish removing my pants, standing before her in tight black boxers that do nothing to hide my semi.

  “I won’t be long,” I say, shoving my boxers down my legs before taking them off and scooping up my clothes.

  A red flush creeps up her neck and onto her face as I walk off, flashing my bare ass at her. I would love nothing more than to bury myself balls deep inside her tonight, but I won’t push her into anything until she is fully in control of her faculties and I know she wants me as much as I want her.

  All I know with surety is that I’m done fighting my feelings for her. I can’t deny it any longer, and after today, I don’t want to. I nearly lost her, and it has put a lot of things into perspective for me. Allowing myself to go there might make me weak, but I no longer have a choice.

  Sierra might believe my suggestion of marriage is one of convenience, but I’m about to show her that is very far from the truth.

  34

  BEN

  I take the quickest shower known to mankind, careful not to get my hair wet, and I brush my teeth before pulling on sleep pants and exiting the bathroom. I usually sleep in the nude, but I don’t trust myself to get into bed naked with Sierra. My lust for her is at an all-time high. Combined with the fact I haven’t gotten laid in months, I doubt I could stop my dick from driving inside her. I don’t want her thinking I would take advantage of the situation.

  When we fuck, I want it to be consensual and because we can’t keep our hands off one another.

  Sierra is lying on her back in the bed, staring up at the ceiling. The only illumination in the room is from the lamps on the bedside tables by my king-sized bed. Rolling back the thick comforter, I climb into the bed, moving closer to her but still maintaining a distance. Today has been stressful, and while I don’t like reminding her, I need to ensure she is okay. I cough, and she tilts her head in my direction. “You killed someone today. I know that’s a big deal. How are you coping?” I vividly recall my first kill and remember how it had a profound effect on me.

  “Honestly?” She stares me dead in the eye. “I’m glad I killed that fucker. He would’ve killed me and not lost any sleep over it, so I’m going to do the same.”

  That is most likely true. The man was a member of the Bratva and probably an experienced killer. I know from personal experience how it becomes routine after a while. But Sierra is an innocent, and it may come back to haunt her. I hope it doesn’t because that bastard deserved to die, and she’s probably done the world a favor by wiping him from existence.

  She turns onto her side, and her blonde hair cascades around her face like a golden halo. She doesn’t have a scrap of makeup on, and she looks beautiful. Even the line of paper stitches on her cheek can’t detract from her natural beauty.

  “What?” she whispers, noticing my singular attention.

  “I don’t think you realize how truly beautiful you are.” I touch my fingers to her uninjured cheek. “You are gorgeous, Sierra. Inside and out.”

  She takes my hand, bringing it to her lips. Fiery tingles zip up and down my arm when she sweeps her lips across my knuckles. “I used to dream about you saying that to me.”

  I chuckle. “That doesn’t shock or surprise me. I knew you had a little crush on me, Firefly.”

  “Trust me, there was nothing little about it.” She takes my hand, holding it to her chest. She’s wearing a silk and lace black camisole sleep top, that does nothing to disguise the creamy swell of her breasts, over matching black silk pants. Her heart thuds powerfully underneath our conjoined hands, and the strong rhythm reminds me of how resilient she is. She fought and killed a man today. I don’t know a lot of men, let alone women, who would have fought and won in her situation.

  She stares deep into my eyes, and I could stare at her stunning face all day long. But it’s the raw emotion shimmering in her eyes that has snared my attention, and I couldn’t look away even if I wanted to.

  “I’ve heard it said that your life flashes before your eyes in a near-death situation,” she adds, her voice quaking a little. “But that didn’t happen to me. I was too busy fighting to survive. It was only afterwards, when I knew Rowan was safe and you were on your way, that it hit me like that.” Her chest heaves, and she lowers my arm to my side. I move closer, placing one hand lightly on her hip, drawing her nearer.

  We maintain eye contact the entire time, and I don’t interrupt or coax her into continuing, happy to wait patiently for her to explain. “I realized if I had died today I would have regrets. Things I hadn’t said to you that need to be said.” She lifts her hand, tracing her fingers along the stubble on my chin and cheeks. Tears well in her eyes as she looks at me. “I’m sorry I kept Rowan from you, Ben. I see how ama
zing you are with him and how much he already loves you, and I hate that I deprived you of that.”

  I open my mouth to speak, but she silences me with a few well-placed fingers. “I’m not finished.”

  I smile, gently rubbing her hip through her pajama pants.

  “I don’t regret the decision I made. I did what I thought was right for my son. Our son. You scared me that day, Ben. What I saw in that basement dungeon scared me. I didn’t want that for Rowan. I still don’t, but I see now what I didn’t back then. It was always inevitable, and I’ve made my peace with it now. Continuing to fight fate is a waste of energy, and after today, I’m done trying. To exist in this world, I need to find a way to fit in, and that is what I will do. I don’t regret the decisions I made, but that doesn’t mean they sat easy with me. Because they didn’t, Ben.”

  I don’t doubt it’s the truth because it radiates from her like a beacon. “I thought of you every single day. It was hard not to, when I saw so much of you in Rowan, especially as he got older. And I carried the guilt of depriving you of one another around with me the entire time. I don’t want you to think it was easy to deny you your son because it wasn’t, even if I didn’t regret my decision because it was the only decision.”

  I nod because I get it. I do. And I don’t blame her for it anymore.

  “The other thing I don’t regret is that night in Vegas.” Her eyes burn with a mixture of emotion. “How could I when it has given us the most precious gift?” A single tear rolls down her face. “He’s a miracle. Our miracle. Every time I look at Rowan and I see parts of you and parts of me, I marvel at the wonder that is human nature.”

  More tears roll down her face as she cups my cheek. “I want you to know how much that night meant to me. It was the most erotic, intimate moment of my life. I have never felt as close to another soul as I did to you that night, Ben. When I look back now, I think it was obvious we were creating a new life because I felt it.” Her hand leaves my face, moving to her heart and then her stomach. “I felt it in here and here. I know that sounds crazy, but that night was magical. I have never been like that with anyone else. Never felt the things I felt that night. I have never been as free and uninhibited to just let myself explore and feel like I did with you that night, and I can never regret it, despite how cold you were to me the next day. That night, I realized my crush wasn’t just a crush. It never had been.”

  She lets that statement hang there for me to draw my own, obvious, conclusions. I open my mouth to speak again because I can’t let that go unacknowledged, but she shakes her head, urging me to remain silent.

  “I know you didn’t feel the same way, and that’s okay. I don’t have any expectations when it comes to us, Ben. I know you want to marry me as the best way to protect me and Rowan, and I’m not going to fight you on it. I will do whatever it takes to keep Rowan safe, and I know you will too.” She wipes her tears away, softly smiling. “I just wanted you to know that,” she quietly adds, her voice barely louder than a whisper.

  Slowly, I lower my head, my eyes dropping to her lips so she knows my intent and can stop it. She doesn’t though, sighing instead when my mouth meets hers. I kiss her softly. More softly than I have ever kissed anyone. More softly than I thought I was capable of. I pour everything I’m feeling into the kiss while holding my potent lust back because lust has no place in this kiss.

  She kisses me without hesitation, and the hope that has been lying dormant in my chest these past few weeks surges to the surface, buoyed by her words and her reaction. But she’s been through an ordeal today, and a part of me understands that could be influencing her behavior. Reluctantly, I pull my lips back, hauling her body in flush to mine, holding her close as I dot kisses into her hair. My heart thumps to a new beat as I hold her tight, savoring the feel of her in my arms. Reveling in how right it feels.

  I have never let myself get vulnerable with any woman, but Sierra gave me her truth, and I owe her mine in return. Clearing my throat, I ease out of our embrace because I want to look her in the eye when I tell her this. “I was angry when I first discovered the truth. So fucking angry and hurt, but I understand now, and I don’t blame you or harbor any ill will toward you for making the decisions you have made.”

  Keeping one hand on her hip, I run my free hand through her silky hair. “I know you did what you did for Rowan, and it was the right call. He’s amazing, Firefly. Such a happy, well-rounded kid. And yes, I know some of that is his personality, but a lot of it is thanks to you. You have always put him first. You show him unconditional love. You support him and keep him safe without clipping his wings. You are willing to sacrifice your own happiness for his. You did what my mother was never strong enough to do, and I could never hold that against you.” I cup her face in my hands. “Stop feeling guilty. Forgive yourself because I have already forgiven you.”

  She chokes on a sob as I bring my lips to hers again, dusting light kisses along her mouth and her cheeks and her jawline.

  “Do you really mean that?” she asks, as I press a kiss to the corner of her mouth. Her eyes glisten with unshed tears and naked emotion.

  “I do.” I stop kissing her, holding a hand to her back, drawing her close again. “There’s more.” Her hopeful gaze encourages me to continue. “I didn’t mean a word of what I said to you the morning after our night together in Vegas.” I don’t really remember what I said, just that I was cold and cruel on purpose, saying the things I needed to say that would keep her away. “I deliberately pushed you away, Firefly, because I didn’t want this life for you. You deserve so much more than what I can offer.” A pang of guilt spreads across my chest.

  “What about Saskia? Did you mean what you said at the house earlier?”

  “Every word.” I draw soothing circles on her back with my fingers. “Saskia means nothing to me. She never has.”

  “Then why did you date her?”

  35

  BEN

  I’d prefer not to talk about her sister when I finally have Sierra back in my bed, but she needs to hear this. I see the vulnerability in her eyes, the doubt that still lingers there, and it needs to end now.

  “I met Saskia two months after my mother OD’d,” I explain. She rests her hands on my bare chest, and the warmth of her skin seeps deep into my bones, comforting me. “I was in a really bad place. I felt responsible for Mom’s death because I had left for college and I didn’t look back. I didn’t know how bad things had gotten because I hadn’t been home in over a year. If I had been there or visited more often, I might’ve prevented it.”

  “I don’t know the full history, but she made her own choices, Ben. Her death isn’t on you.”

  “I know that now, but at the time, it felt like I’d failed her. Like I ruined her life by existing and then I abandoned her. She died, and then I got kicked out of college for beating up a guy on my football team. The jerk was mouthing off about my mom, and I lost it. Beat him so bad he ended up at the hospital. My grades had slipped, and I knew I was going to lose my scholarship, so it was inevitable anyway. That was two weeks before I met Saskia. I was sleeping on Terry’s couch. I had nowhere else to go. Nothing to do. Things were looking bleak.”

  “Who is Terry?”

  “Terry Scott was one of Mom’s old boyfriends. The only decent guy she dated. After they broke up, he looked out for me. He was the only role model I had in my life. He died a couple months back. That was the funeral I was attending the day I ran into Saskia and Rowan.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Me too. He was a good guy, and I had lost touch with him.” I owed him more than biannual phone calls. Terry was a bit of a loner, and he never reached out to me, so I excused my lack of effort by claiming it was two-fold, but the truth is, I should have come back to Chicago to check up on him. I didn’t even know he was sick. I might have been able to do something to help.

  “You’re a busy man, and friendships take work. It’s one of the reasons why Esme and Pen are my only two friends. I di
dn’t have time to cultivate more.”

  Because she sacrificed her friendships for Rowan.

  I don’t have any such noble excuse.

  Anyway, we are getting off track. “The point is, Saskia came along at a time when I had nobody and nothing. I was drowning, and she threw me a life jacket. I put up with her shit because it was better than being alone. She helped me to get a job at a local bar, furnished the small studio apartment I rented, and she lavished me with gifts.” My hand stalls on her back. “It wasn’t my finest moment, and I’m not proud of myself. I was little more than a glorified prostitute. Without the sex,” I add, reminding her I never fucked her sister.

  “Don’t say that. You were grieving and lost, and she most likely took advantage of that.”

  “I don’t know what she got out of it, but by the end, I could hardly tolerate her. That final night, after the things she said to you, I knew I was done. I broke things off with her, and the sense of relief was enormous.”

  “Is that why you disappeared?”

  “Not really.”

  She arches a brow while fighting another yawn. Her natural curiosity battles exhaustion, but I know this isn’t the time for that conversation.

  “It coincided with my real father showing up, but that’s a long story and one best kept for tomorrow.” I kiss the tip of her nose. “The most important thing you need to realize now is that I never had feelings for Saskia. I never felt even an ounce of what I feel for you.”

  “What do you feel for me?” Her eyes probe mine, looking for deceit, no doubt, but she won’t find it.

  “That night in Vegas meant the world to me too, Firefly. I felt those same things you felt. No other experience has ever come close to it.” I gulp over the messy lump, wondering if I should admit this, but I’ve come this far, so I might as well go whole hog. “For six years, I have wrestled with my feelings for you. I pushed you away that day to keep you safe, but you always lived up here.” I tap my temple. “And here.” I tap my heart. “It’s like you burrowed your way in and took up residence. I could never get you out. I have been tempted to look you up so many times, but I always reined myself in. I didn’t want to be a selfish prick, but now I can’t stop myself. It’s too late.”