Lochlan (Broken Deeds MC, #5)

by Esther E. Schmidt

  “Okay,” she sighs while her eyes go to my lips and I can tell her mind is working as a frown appears. “I’m still mad at you though.”

  “I know, baby, I know.” I feather my lips over hers. “And I’m bound to fuck up lots of times because I can’t promise you anything. I don’t even know what I want or how this will work. I just...need you to feel somewhat alive.”

  “That’s a claim,” North snaps.

  “Heard it too, loud and clear,” Kray states.

  Fucking hell. I turn my head and growl, “Get lost you idiots.”

  “Yeah,” Xena says. “Or we’re gonna kick your asses.”

  “Not an empty threat, gotcha. We’re gone, but for fuck’s sake, get back inside and work the room instead of each other.”

  I don’t even care who’s saying it. I know we have to go back inside, and we will, but I need another taste first. She moans against my lips as my mouth takes hers in a gentle kiss lasting way too damn short for my liking.

  “We’ll talk when we get back to my place, yeah?” I know it’s a question but the way my voice flows it’s more as a statement without room to deny me.

  “Mmmmhmmm,” she hums, and steps away from me but grabs my hand to lace our fingers and drag me back into the room.

  She comes to an abrupt stop and I manage to sidestep just in time so I don’t run into her. Fuck, my head needs to function more clearly instead of watching her damn ass sway knowing she doesn’t have any underwear underneath.

  “We need to do something,” Xena says and I follow her line of sight.

  “Shit, let’s go,” I tell her and stride over to Xena’s friends who are now talking to Bugsy.

  Not good. This fucker targets couples for some fucked up reason and I need his attention on us so I can take him out.

  “Quite a party, huh?” I chuckle and try to break into their discussion.

  Gavin has his arm wrapped tight around Sophie’s waist and it’s as if he’s turning her away from Bugsy. “Yes. But we’re heading home soon.”

  Sophia touches Xena’s arm. “Do you need a ride with us?”

  “She’s going home with me,” I state.

  Bugsy eyes all of us, as if we’re fucking lab rats or something, putting us underneath a microscope and monitoring every fucking move. The fucker is creepy, that’s for damn sure.

  Xena hugs Sophie and she whispers in her ear that she’ll call her in the morning. Both Gavin and Bugsy aren’t paying attention to the girls anymore but seem to be stuck in a sizing each other up stare.

  Shit. I have a bad feeling about this. I clear my throat. “So, Bugsy, what do you do for a living?” Nothing. Living off daddy’s money, flashing it around while assaulting random people and getting away with it. I mentally answer my own question because the fucker won’t ever tell the fucking truth.

  The fucker’s upper lip twitches and I swear he’s swallowing a snarl. “Working is something I leave to the middleman. I’m more of a born leader who doesn’t need to work and instead can spend all the money I like with all the millions I have.”

  What a fucking joke. He’s never done shit his entire life and swims in daddy’s money, not his own. “Ah, right. That’s what they call an investor. Sounds like you’ve got it made, man.”

  The fake compliment almost makes me gag but I manage a fake smile to go with it and I’m damn happy Xena wraps her arms around me and glances up, catching my attention to make my smile genuine.

  “Looks like you and the redhead are getting along better than at the beginning of the party. How long have you two been together?” Bugsy raises his eyebrow expectantly.

  With this I can’t lie and say, “It’s fairly new.”

  “Better end it now, before it ends you or her. The way you two bounce back and forth it won’t last long anyway. Look at these two.” Bugsy motions to Gavin and Sophie. “Now those two have a solid foundation, takes more than an argument to rip them apart.”

  Xena freezes up beside me and I wonder if it’s for the same reason ice is flowing through mine. Gavin and Sophie are oblivious to this fucker’s twisted mind shit. What he just casually stated? Partial motive in my damn ears.

  “I wouldn’t say that.” I try to steer away the discussion from Xena’s friends as I add, “Xena and I just spent weeks without a day apart. Except for yesterday. One damn day apart felt like I was missing the whole meaning of life.” I glance down at Xena and realize the words flowed naturally and she’s beaming at me as if I just won a dance contest with two left feet.

  “That’s right, sugar bear.” Xena feathers a kiss on my cheek before she adds, “And you forgot to mention we share the whole white picket fence dream.”

  We fucking don’t. It’s the exact opposite of that what we share opinions about. And this shows she’s playing along with me; helping me do my job.

  And it works because Bugsy’s eyes are gleaming with interest and even his body slightly turns toward us.

  Gavin nods to me and Sophie gives a finger wave to Xena as they merge into the crowd, heading home. Now I need to keep this fucker here entertained so I’m sure he won’t go after Xena’s friends.

  And we do for at least another ten minutes or so due to Xena’s charms but it seems to be the limit when Bugsy thanks us for a lovely conversation. My eyes find Kray and he gives a nod, letting me know he and North will take over like we discussed. I need time with Xena and they will tail Bugsy to make sure that fucker keeps his nose clean tonight.

  Here comes the important part of the night, and fuck...by the feel of the pressure on my chest it might just classify as an important part of the next step in my life.

  Chapter 12

  ***Xena***

  We’ve been in Lochlan’s room for the last twenty minutes or so. We took a cab from the party to the clubhouse and even during the drive Lochlan had been silent. Now he might still not say a word but he’s pacing back and forth. Do I dare say he changed his clothes when we got here and is now only wearing jeans?

  Jeans riding low with nothing but a naked, well-toned hard body of ink above it. And bare feet. I would love nothing more than to run my fingers or tongue over his inked skin but this moment right here isn’t about lust. It’s intimate on a different level.

  He clearly wants to reach out and open up some to me but he’s struggling. From the tiny hints I’ve managed to tie together...the grief he’s been holding inside is what has been keeping him together. He doesn’t know how to cope or let go. As if opening up would make him crack and fall apart.

  Honestly? I can’t imagine what he’s been through. Losing a child? Because that’s what I’m fairly sure happened to him. The why, how, when, is not clear. Hell, the only other thing I’m also pretty sure of is the thought that struck me how maybe his ex tricked him into having a kid. But all of it is a wild guess at this point.

  So here I sit, on his bed, waiting patiently for Lochlan to be ready for whatever it is he wants to share. And really, I’m not the kind of person who needs all the details or wants him to get it off his chest, but he’s struggling with it and it means he needs to get it off his chest in order to take the next breath and move forward. The pain is keeping him back, an obstruction to live his life fully.

  Lochlan stops midstride and locks eyes with me. The haunting look, the pain, panic, despair...holy hell, he’s showing me all and it makes me want to hug him and tell him everything will be okay...but that would be a lie because it isn’t, and clearly it never will be for him.

  But dammit, he should know. “Whatever you had in mind when you said you couldn’t give me what I needed? What I see in front of me is a man whose heart is overflowing with love and raw grief. Something that’s been merged together and has bonded so strongly you need to open up and share the load. Give me some, Lochlan. No matter where we stand or go in life, the level of trust between you and me is solid and everything you say in this room...and I damn well swear on my soul...will stay in this room. It’s clearly been a heavy weight, give it to me, Vi
king. I’m right here for you and will still be here even if you don’t say a word but crawl into this bed and let me hold you. Words are overrated anyway. So, no damn way do I want you to feel obligated or forced to tell me something. I’ll stay. I am staying no matter what, get me?”

  Relief starts to fill his eyes and he spins around to sink down on the bed. He takes his head in his hands and stares at the floor. Again, I fall into silence and let him take his time. I meant what I said, if he shares...good for him, he really needs it. If not? Also, good because it means he’s not ready yet.

  And I know it’s probably been years but emotions, feelings, and mental stuff isn’t about cracking a code or a deadline. It’s not that simple, it’s a process as complex as the human mind. It’s got wires, triggers, locked up rooms with stuff no one wants to go through or endure ever again.

  Some can block things out until they see an image, smell something that reminds them, or have an unwilling flashback that throws them back. Literally. It throws their life back and they have to deal with shit that happened years ago because at that point in life—when it happened—it was all about survival. That’s what kept them going...until their life was tackled again by the memories.

  I respect the shit out of this man. So yes, here I sit, because I made up my mind. I want him. Broken, hurt, powerful, stubborn, asshole ways and all. No one’s perfect but Lochlan just does it for me, and that’s good enough for the here and now yes, but I’m more comfortable with knowing he would be there for me further down the road.

  And for the first time, I might want a purple fence and a pet lizard. Or not. I’m doubting the lizard, and the purple fence, but you get my idea, right? Because it clicked in my head and it’s what matters the most.

  “It was my weekend to spend time with her.” Lochlan’s raw voice breaks the silence in the room. “When I was almost at their house, I got a text telling me they headed out to her ma’s house for the weekend. She always did that fucking shit. Leaving when it was my weekend. Bring her over when she knew I had plans. I always changed them, you know.” He glances at me and I give him a nod in understanding. “It was time with my kid, and it was scarce as it was, so I never turned it down. And normally I would back off when she was in a mood to take her from me on my weekend. But I hadn’t seen her in three damn weeks and it was my fucking weekend. I went to court to get a settlement, so she would stop with taking her from me and it went through, so it was my fucking weekend.”

  Lochlan growls and anger visibly overtakes his body, making it shake. Reaching forward, I let my hand gently slide up and down his back without saying a word.

  Lochlan takes a deep breath. “I drove out of state for six hours to get to her ma’s house. By the time I got there it was late at night. I...the moment...when...fuck. I turned the corner, flashing lights, police, firefighters, people standing on the streets and I felt it in my gut. I knew it was bad. I jumped out of my truck and rushed toward the house. A guy tried to stop me but I pushed through until I saw her. They...CPR on the fucking lawn. She...carbon monoxide. All three of them. My ex, her mother, my little girl. Gone. Just like that. The time it fucking took me to get there...” Lochlan dashes off the bed. “It was my fucking weekend!” he roars, and my heart breaks for this man.

  He places his palms over his eyes and shakes his head as if he’s reliving the images all over again. I feel tears burn tracks along my cheeks as I carefully walk to him and wrap my arms around him in an effort to give him comfort. Comfort I know won’t ever be enough to soothe the ache of a child ripped away from their father. Even more so if it’s tangled with guilt. Guilt that has no place in his heart because in no way was this his fault.

  I have to brace myself for the fast way his arm circles my body, and he hugs me so hard it leaves little room to breathe. I’m not complaining, it’s what he needs right now; to feel grounded and feel the weight of life in his arms. I’d give him my last damn breath if it would take away the world of hurt this man carries with him on his shoulders.

  “She was so damn cute and fearless,” he croaks. “I didn’t even want her, you know. Her mother...we were so young and she got pregnant as if it was next year’s fashion. Two of her friends were teenage moms and she wanted a kid. I never fucking knew. I picked her up at a damn bar for a one-night stand. I never had sex without a condom and it was one damn time she crawled on top of me, she got the condom on but months after Harmony was born—during one of our many arguments—she threw at me how she only needed me for the sperm. She popped the condom with her nails on purpose without me knowing...I didn’t fucking see her do it but only felt her throw the condom on. Too damn young to fucking know shit. Even if she tied me to her for her own damn benefits, I worked hard to give her money to support her and the kid while she could go around town showing off. I didn’t care. She didn’t want my involvement other than the paycheck. Didn’t let me see her until she was nine weeks old and needed a babysitter so she could go out dancing. When I was holding her...Harmony...so fucking tiny...even if I never even wanted kids in the first place, I knew she was mine to take care of. And I did. The money was nothing. I made sure I became a dad to her, and not just a sperm donor who walks this fucking earth alongside of her. I did it for the twinkle in her eyes, for those rosy cheeks, and toothless grin.”

  His voice cracks and with it my heart as I feel wetness on my skin. This strong man is breaking all over again for the daughter he fought for and lost. I feel him freeze up for a second before he clears his throat and steps away fast, heading for his dresser with his back turned to me.

  Through movement I see how he must be rubbing his eyes while opening one of the drawers. I hate I have to stand in place and let him get his bearings, it’s damn hard, but I need to give him space. He’s leaning against the dresser and his shoulders rise and fall with the deep breaths he’s taking. Lochlan turns and holds out a tiny book for me to take.

  I don’t risk a glance to look him in the eyes because I’m already a blubbering mess and he’s sharing so damn much, I don’t want to make him feel as if I can’t handle more. I take the photobook and sit down on the bed.

  I feel the mattress dip as Lochlan’s warmth spreads along the right side of my body. I open the dusty pink book and the first picture I see is a tiny bundle of human wrapped in a blanket with the cutest little beany on her head. Heart melting.

  “Gorgeous,” I croak, and let my finger trail over the picture.

  I hear Lochlan swallow and a strangled, “Yeah” tumbles over his lips.

  He reaches out and turns the page. One by one there are pictures of a little girl growing up into such a joyful girl. If I’ve counted the birthday pictures correct, she was five years old on the last page where she’s clearly putting beads on a string and showing it off to whomever is taking the picture. Her grin full of pure pride and devotion is making my heart fill with love for this girl and being shattered into a million pieces knowing I won’t ever have a chance to meet her.

  The dashing, long, curly golden blonde hair with a hint of red gives her cute round face the perfect bouncy attitude. Her grayish blue eyes sparkle. Even from a mere photograph you can see the joy this kid must have had in this moment in time when the image was taken.

  “I remember taking this one. It was one of the last few I took. I never even fucking checked them until a year later.” His eyes are locked on the picture and I’m thankful because it gives me time to really look at this magnificent man.

  A man who was forced into something another person wanted for her own benefit and yet embraced it only to have the most precious of gifts ripped away from him.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “It clearly shows she was a wonderful bundle of joy. Harmony, that was her name, right?”

  “Yeah...her mother named her, she didn’t even allow me to have any say in it.” Lochlan’s voice doesn’t have a hint of anger in it, only defeat.

  “It fits her perfectly, you know...the meaning it holds, how perfect and peaceful, all b
lending into something that’s the perfect pleasing combination of joy she radiates. I can see it in her eyes, even a frozen moment of a photograph can’t take the light away.”

  “Yeah,” he croaks again and I can tell he wants to say something else but his head drops as well as his shoulders.

  I place the book next to me and reach out to let my fingers slide over Lochlan’s bracelets. Remembering how a few months ago I teased him about them and his reply was how his kid made them. He threw it out as if it was a line he used in everyday life to put someone in place if they dared to make fun of something. Yet, in reality...they were made by his daughter.

  He captures my hand in his and gives my fingers a gentle squeeze. “Thank you,” he whispers.

  Astonished, I ask, “What for?”

  He leans his shoulder against mine and in this moment I’m glad we’re almost the same height since he gives me some of his weight, connecting us even more.

  “For not giving up, even if you walked away and I didn’t come after you,” he mutters.

  His words make me snort. “I can’t even remember what we argued about. And you have this sexy smile that makes me melt, and chocolate you won’t share where you get it. Now that...that’s probably the reason why I’m sitting here next to you.”

  His head turns and though his eyes are cracked red, there’s a hint of a smile on his face. “I knew it was the chocolate.”

  “Yup,” I give his shoulder a tiny push, “it’s delish.”

  “So are you,” he murmurs in an honest tone, making my skin spark with awareness.

  “You’re just making me feel good so I’ll share with you,” I tease.

  He gives me a full grin this time. “Yeah.”

  Somehow, I feel tired. It’s not because of the long night with the dragging party that’s hitting me, so I can’t imagine how Lochlan must be feeling with everything he shared today.

  “Come on, let’s take a quick shower and get into bed.” I stand up but bend over to take the photo book and hold it out to Lochlan. “Thank you for letting me get to know her a bit, and more of you along with it. Grief is a heavy weight and so is love. You’re filled to the brim with both. I’m right here if you need me, the two of us can carry all of it, and can hold on to her memory forever without letting you drown in it.”