The Arch-Wizard’s Little Sister

by Natsume Akatsuki

  That was supposed to be a bear.

  As if Megumin wasn’t bad enough, Iris piled on, too: “Elder Brother, no matter how much time you have on your hands, you must stop going to the training grounds and giving the soldiers random tips. . . It would be one thing if you had the strength to back up your instruction, but you’ve only earned a reputation among the troops as ‘some strange visitor who talks a lot more than he wins’. . .”

  “Let’s forget about what I’ve been doing or not doing—I have to pass the time somehow! Look, what I meant was. . .you know. Do you like me or hate me or. . .something in between? Just, you know, in general terms. I want to hear it from you personally.”

  So much for acting natural. I looked at each of the girls in turn.

  “As I’ve said more than once, Kazuma, I quite like you. What brought this on all of a sudden?”

  “M-me too, Elder Brother. I l-l-l. . .li. . .”

  “Okay, got it, Big Bro is sorry. A for effort, Iris; I’ve heard all I need to. And, Megumin, glad to know you still feel the same way.” I tried to act as nonchalant as I could.

  “I must say, Kazuma, something seems a little unusual about you today. Of course, you are unusual every day, but you sound even stranger than is typical.”

  “Er, really, Elder Brother, you’re being a little. . .creepy. . .”

  “Hush, Iris! You may think such things, but you mustn’t say them!”

  Okay, so this wasn’t quite how I’d envisioned this conversation going. My heart took some minor damage, but it wasn’t that different from what I’d expected. I wondered what might happen as these two got older. If they would start fighting over me.

  “Look, girls, there’s room enough in my heart for both of you. I’m not going to forget about the other person, so don’t you worry.”

  “Iris, I do not understand quite why, but I feel a flash of anger. Let us give this man a bit of a beating before I do my daily explosion.”

  “You are very creepy today, Elder Brother. Did you eat something you shouldn’t have?”

  Notwithstanding such slings and arrows, my new life resting on my laurels in the castle was mostly pretty peaceful. . .

  My days as a castle-dwelling NEET started early.

  “Heidel! Heiiidel!”

  Why? Because now that I had butlers and maids keeping me in the lap of luxury, I didn’t want to waste one minute of my time sleeping.

  “You called, Master Kazuma Satou? Would you, perhaps, like your morning coffee now? Or will you have breakfast in bed? For the first meal of the day today, we have miso soup with foie gras, just as you requested, sir.”

  Heidel, the same butler who had been assigned to me before, was a very quick thinker.

  “Breakfast in bed sounds good. But bring me my coffee first. And—”

  “Shall I summon your maid Mary, ensuring she’s wearing her shorter-than-average skirt?”

  Heidel, my man, it’s like you’re reading my mind. I wanted to slap him on the back. I guess that’s how you get to be a servant for royalty.

  “That’s my butler, Heidel. I love that you remember what I like.”

  “And for my part, sir, I could not be happier that you seem to have remembered my name. Allow me to place a flower vase somewhere precarious to make it easier for you to tease Miss Mary.”

  Ahhh! I loved a man who knew his business. I nodded in satisfaction, took a delicate sip from the coffee Heidel had prepared for me, opened the newspaper, and started scanning the headlines.

  Now that I was living in the castle, I was practically a celebrity.

  “So I see there are more Snow Sprites than usual. The Guild is even raising the bounty on them in hopes of avoiding an especially harsh winter. That won’t be good for the harvest next year. Heidel, take some money from my bank account and buy some futures.”

  “Yes, Master Satou. And for which goods would you like to buy these futures?”

  Which goods?

  “. . .Uh, you know, stuff that seems likely to be affected. Crops where the harvest is going to suffer if it gets cold.”

  “Yes, sir. I will take care of it.”

  That was my Heidel; he would never embarrass his master.

  “Good, you do that. By the way, what’s my schedule look like today?” I quickly recovered and resumed sipping my coffee; Heidel pulled out a notebook.

  “Your first morning appointment is with Lady Aqua. The two of you will be looking at the treasures in the royal treasury and pretending to be an appraisal team. After that, you will execute Operation: Wild Party in the castle courtyard using Lady Aqua’s party tricks. The stated goal of the operation is to interfere with Lady Iris’s studies. . . Ahem.” He flipped the page and continued expressionlessly. “In the afternoon, you and Lady Megumin will go outside the city for one of your ‘explosion experiments.’ After that, you’ll be taking in the armor shop with Lady Dustiness.”

  I set my coffee cup on the table beside the bed, shaking my head in annoyance. “Sheesh, another busy day. And what about the evening? Any plans then?”

  “None, sir. Lady Dustiness has been invited to a banquet, however; will you accompany her?”

  Wow! Just how capable was this guy?

  “Crash a party and stop Darkness from getting chatted up by any of the other guys? Better believe I’ll be there.”

  “Very well, sir. I will make the arrangements.” Heidel bowed and began to remove my breakfast dishes.

  “Good morning, Master Satou. For breakfast today, we have miso soup with plenty of truffles, just as you requested. How does it taste?”

  “Like miso.”

  “I see. I will prepare your coffee, so please enjoy your soup while you wait.”

  I’d been in the castle for a week. I was good and used to the celebrity lifestyle now, my days packed but fulfilling.

  “Heidel, what’s my schedule like for today?”

  “This morning, you and Lady Megumin are going to the city newspaper to insist they let you write a special column. After that, Lady Aqua has invited you to help promote her Axis Church. In the afternoon, Lady Iris and Lady Dustiness have asked if you might join them in defeating monsters in the vicinity of the capital. And come evening, Lady Megumin is hosting an Explosion Appreciation Party to light up the night sky.”

  Heidel managed to reel all this off without so much as breaking his stride as he got my coffee ready. I sipped my drink and shook my head. “Cancel that afternoon monster hunt. Tell Iris I’ll get serious about hunting with her starting tomorrow. Then move Megumin’s Explosion Appreciation Party up a bit. I expect Darkness will have another party tonight, and I need to be able to go with her.”

  “Yes, sir, I’ll see that it’s done. Incidentally, Lady Dustiness has spoken to me about your attendance at her social functions. She wishes you would stop. . .”

  Heidel was very competent, but when it came to what women wanted, he could be a little dense. I wagged a finger at him. “You have a lot to learn, Heidel—that’s called being a tsundere. You pretend to hate what you really like. When she says Don’t come, that means Come.”

  “I see—I have indeed been naive, sir. I admire your great experience of the world. Very well. It would not do for you to appear at the party empty-handed. Shall I arrange for a giant cake to be sent as a surprise for Lady Dustiness?”

  Ahhh, this guy caught on fast. Now it was my turn to be impressed. “That’s a great idea; you do that. . . No, wait. That’s not interesting enough by itself. Let’s do this: Have them make a cake big enough for me to hide inside. We send that to the party and ask for Darkness by name. While she’s trying to figure out who could have sent it, the cake bursts open and I pop out from inside. What do you think?”

  “I think you have the mind of a fox, Master Satou. I can practically envision the surprise on their faces now. I will see that it’s done.”

  Then Heidel bowed and left the room.

  Two weeks had passed since I’d become a celebrity, and I was well estab
lished at the castle by now, but there was one thing that bothered me.

  “Good morning, Master Satou. For breakfast today, we have miso soup with caviar, just as you requested.” Heidel placed a tray with my breakfast beside my bed.

  “Heidel, I appreciate how you go out of your way for me. Really, I do. But. . .there is one thing I don’t quite find satisfying about this life.”

  Heidel looked at me in surprise, then bowed his head. “My sincere apologies, Master Satou. As a matter of fact, I have already observed this dissatisfaction in you.”

  Ahhh, sweet competence. Heidel could even tell when I was unhappy.

  “You are displeased with miso soup every day, are you not?”

  “No! No, I’m not! I mean, now that you bring it up, there is something strange about this soup! I know I ask for expensive ingredients every day, but why do you put them in the soup? Like this! When you put caviar in miso, it all ends up tasting like salty miso soup!” I looked Heidel directly in the eye. “Level with me. Am I imposing on you all?”

  “. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .I should hardly think so, sir.”

  “Why’d it take you so long to answer? Hey, don’t look away from me—what’s going on here?!”

  I had become accustomed to receiving words of thanks and praise from everyone in the castle; they were all grateful for what I had done for Iris. But after two weeks, they were starting to give me looks as if to say, How long is this guy going to stick around?

  Heidel could barely bring himself to answer my question. “Master Satou, you have some inkling?”

  “Inkling—there’s a butler word. You remember that cake we had for Darkness’s party? They said they were way too scared to eat any cake when they didn’t know who’d sent it, so they sent it right back with me still inside. . . As for any other ideas, maybe the only thing I can think of is Iris—”

  I had been about to go on, but I was interrupted by a knock at the door, and my favorite maid, Mary, came in.

  “Pardon me, Master Satou. Lady Dustiness is calling for you. She wants you to go to the reception room—she says it’s urgent.”

  3

  “We’re going home.”

  “Nuh-uh.”

  I was in the reception room, where I had found Aqua weeping and proclaiming she didn’t want to go back; Megumin looking very resigned; and Darkness keeping all of our luggage together, more than ready to leave. I’d had a pretty good guess as to what Darkness was going to say when I was told she was calling for me. She said it, and I had my answer ready to go.

  Darkness heaved a sigh. Maybe she’d known all along what I was going to say. “Come on, Kazuma. I know you’ve enjoyed your two weeks in the castle. Everyone’s been more than hospitable to you, right? At first, they were so grateful, they were happy to have you here, but I think you’re wearing out your welcome. And it’s no surprise, considering you spend every day lazing about and doing whatever you want. You’re finally building up a little bit of credibility; do you want to let it go to waste over something like this?”

  As she spoke, Darkness handed me a sheaf of papers. The seals were already broken, meaning she wanted me to see what was inside.

  “‘Dear Mr. Kazuma Satou. When I grow up, I don’t want to be like the hero with the magic sword or like Prince Jatice. I want to be like you. My mom says you’re from the weakest class but that you still managed to beat all the bad guys and that you’re awesome. I want to be awesome like you.’” I gave her a questioning look. This was just a fan letter.

  But it wasn’t the only one. “‘Dear Mr. Satou. My father was reading the newspaper. He said they wrote that you saved Lady Iris from disaster. Thank you very much for helping my beloved lady Iris. When I grow up, please let me be your bride.’” This one was from a young girl. The unsteady handwriting made me think of someone young and innocent, like Iris herself.

  I looked at letter after letter, until I finally came to the last one. “‘Dear Mr. Satou,’” it said. “‘I heard you are very weak. That’s what my mom and dad said. But they also said you are mysterious, because even though you’re very weak, you’ve defeated more of the Demon King’s generals than anyone else. I don’t understand hard stuff like that, but if you worked so hard even though you’re weak, then I think you deserve to take a break. Please look out for yourself and live a long time. Thank you so much for helping Lady Iris!’”

  I was starting to feel warmth spreading through me as I finished the letters. Darkness chuckled as she watched me. “How about it? Are you really going to merely hang around here like that kid says? Here, Aqua, stop whining and read these.” She took the letters from me and shoved them at Aqua. “Kazuma, you’ve started to make a name for yourself—that’s the guy I knew was in there all along. Just hang tight; when we get back to Axel, I’ll fawn over you as much as you like.” Darkness looked triumphant but also sort of. . .happy.

  “Huh, and to think, you never used to have any tricks but seduction and intimidation. You’ve grown so much. Fine, no way I can stay here when you put it like that. But I’m an awfully selfish guy. I’m going to expect lots of fawning when we get back.”

  “Leave it to me! At the very least, I’ll wash your back, eh?” she said, and we grinned at each other.

  “Hey, that is quite enough flirting and making eyes at each other while the rest of us are watching. I must ask you to remember where you are. Save such shenanigans for when you are at home.”

  “We aren’t flirting! L-look, it’s like I told Kazuma when we were in Elroad: I still haven’t thanked him for all the help he’s given us. . . I mean, as a noble. . . Um. . .” Darkness’s voice got quieter and quieter, and she seemed to shrink into herself. Megumin, her eyes flashing red, smacked her on the shoulder.

  “You are older than I am, and yet, you just cannot seem to get it together! It is time for you to be clear about things, Darkness—what is this business about washing his back? You’ve already tried to sneak into his bed, so come out and say what must be said, as I have done! And then I will strike you down with all my strength!”

  “You will strike me down?! Megumin, your feelings and mine are completely. . . Well, look, I have my position as a noble to think about; I have to find a partner from a good background. . .” The sight of Darkness twiddling her fingers and seeming to get smaller and smaller as Megumin shook harder and harder appeared to do nothing but incense the mage.

  “It was only just recently that you were absolutely refusing any potential matches at all, and now you hide behind the excuse of ‘background’?! Pathetic! Kazuma, say something to— Kazuma? What are you grinning about?”

  As I watched the two of them, it occurred to me that I could finally and truly stand unashamed in the ranks of the great harem protagonists. I mean, a couple days back, Megumin and Iris had been pretty encouraging when I asked how they felt about me.

  Look, I’m not dense. It was more than obvious that Darkness felt a little something for me, even if she couldn’t bring herself to say it. I wanted to see the two of them fight over me. In fact, throw in a grown-up Iris and make it a three-way slugfest.

  Was this how popular guys felt all the time? At last, I understood why all those guys with their girlfriends said that the sweetest, the most bitter, the most joyful part of a relationship was that moment before the love really blossomed, when you were just starting to notice each other.

  After all, once I committed to one of them, I wouldn’t get to see them argue like this again. Normally, this might be where I tried to break in and calm things down, but. . .

  “I could sit here and watch this all week.”

  “You impossible man!” Megumin exclaimed, changing her target from Darkness to me and launching herself at me.

  Then it happened: “I’ve decided. Kazuma, I’ve decided!” Aqua, who had been reading the fan letters until that moment, suddenly stood up. “Remember what our original goal was here? We were going to defeat that awful Demon King and bring peace to the world! These
children’s letters have reminded me of what we came here to do! Now, come on, Kazuma—let’s get back to Axel and grind out some levels! Turning your weak self into a bona fide hero is my duty as a goddess! And as the goddess of water, I swear to give these children a future!”

  For a moment, I wondered what in the world she was talking about, but then I remembered how impressionable she had always been. But heck—right at that moment, I actually sort of almost nearly felt the same way. “Well said, Aqua. Let’s head home to Axel and get back to doing quests, like real adventurers. And once we get our groove back, we can go after the Demon King. The world is watching us. Children are cheering us on. We wouldn’t want to disappoint them!”

  We needed to get back to basics. I had spent weeks flailing around, but now it was time to remind myself of the day I had become an adventurer. The joy I had felt at first coming to this world, the vow I had made that here I would live a productive life.

  “That’s my Kazuma! I knew you didn’t deserve to be called Lolima like everyone’s been doing!”

  “Who’s been calling me that?! God, I’d rather they call me Cad-zuma or Kaz-scum-a. . . Anything but that!”

  4

  Darkness and the others went back to Axel that day—without me. I meant to go with them, I really did. But when I saw how lonely Iris looked, it broke me.

  I’ll stay only one more day.

  Iris had been so busy being feted as a hero that we hadn’t gotten to spend a lot of time together, so I’d told my friends that I wanted to talk to her that night, just the two of us. Darkness and Megumin had given me wry smiles—they obviously knew what I was thinking—but they went along with it.

  And so. . .