The Arch-Wizard’s Little Sister

by Natsume Akatsuki

  If she was so into this, it would be plain rude of me not to be just as serious myself. “You can’t reveal my identity. I mean, think about it: The guy Iris loves so much that she sees him like a brother turns out to be a thief? Big black eye for the royal family. So let me tell you how it’s gonna go, White Suit. You’re gonna let me through there and I’m gonna walk away, or else I’m going to leave you here in tears.”

  Claire asked, “. . .And e-exactly how would you do that?” She had been so high-and-mighty until this moment, looking down her nose at me—but now she didn’t even seem angry; in fact, she looked deeply worried, like she was on the verge of tears already. What was with the change of heart? Was it because she had realized I was the thief who had broken into the castle? Or because today, she had finally seen me fight with her own eyes?

  Well, I didn’t care about the reasons. I was going to get to Iris and continue her “education.” That was what I promised myself as I showed Claire the rope. “I’ll tie you up with this rope using my Bind skill; then I’ll start using Steal on you until you beg me to stop!”

  “Eeeek! J-just a second, now! Wait, I say, Master Kazuma! You may forget it, but I am the daughter of a noble house! You would n-never do such a thing to me right here in public. . .w-would you. . .?”

  I gave the rope a few threatening spins in the air. “Let me tell you a few stories, points of reference for what I would or wouldn’t do to a noble girl. I once gave Darkness a good dunking in some water, and another time I tied her up and dragged her behind a carriage. Believe it or not, your call.”

  “Fall baaaack!” Claire exclaimed, her face screwed up in terror. But her soldiers did the opposite; they started to inch forward. With a bunch of them all coming at me at once from head-on, there wouldn’t be much I could do.

  “Leave this to us, Lady Claire! We’ll handle this man. . .!”

  There were four opponents. They had already seen me blind the other soldiers. I probably couldn’t get away with doing the same thing twice.

  “Now, sir, we’d like you to come with—!!”

  “Bind!”

  I didn’t let the soldier finish, immediately using my Bind skill. The soldier brought up his sword, but it wasn’t that easy to cut the rope that was flying through the air. Man and weapon both were ignominiously tied up.

  I hadn’t put a lot into the skill; he would be cut free sooner rather than later. But that little opening was all I needed!

  “I’ve got you!” another soldier shouted, reaching out for me.

  “Wind Breath!” The spell put him off-balance—only for a second, but I didn’t need much to escape the encircling soldiers.

  “Parlor tricks, that’s all he’s got! Don’t be afraid, men—go for him all at once!” Whoever was shouting, I guess he was the captain or something.

  “H-halt! Don’t do it! This man—!” Claire was exclaiming frantically, but it was too late. I lunged at my opponent, sticking out one hand as if reaching for a handshake. The guy gave me his hand reflexively—and I Drain Touched him dry.

  “Grgh?!”

  He collapsed to his knees; the other soldiers, unsure what had happened, stopped where they were, watching me carefully. That was all the invitation I needed to run past them. . .!

  . . .Which was when I discovered more than a dozen soldiers waiting for me.

  “That’s as far as you go, Master Kazuma. We have you surrounded! Now, kindly return to Axel Town with me—I’ll teleport you myself!” Lain, accompanied by the soldiers, looked a little pale. Claire emerged with two more men from behind me.

  Crap! There had to be something I could do!

  But it was all for nothing; I could see that Lain’s people had me completely encircled.

  Man, this is way too many soldiers to just get lucky against. But there were still so many things I hadn’t taught Iris. . .!

  “Come now, Master Kazuma,” Lain said, sounding exhausted. “Quit this useless struggling and go home. . . In the last hour and change, some of our people have been injured slipping on the ice you made, several more have been tied up with Bind, and at least one appears to have had the magic sucked clean out of him and is unconscious, though I have no idea how you did it. I’m almost impressed that one person could cause such chaos. It reminds me of that thief who broke into the castle. . .”

  “Hff. . .hff. . . I c-can’t. . .can’t believe this man. . .,” Claire added (I had given her the slip more than once), sounding equally spent. “I see now why Master Mitsurugi lost to him two separate times. I see it so clearly, it hurts. . . I have no idea what skills he has, but he seems to be able to tell where we are almost before we arrive and can then disappear even when we should have him cornered. . .”

  I guess she was talking about my Sense Foe and Ambush skills. My Read Lips and Second Sight abilities let me tell from a distance what orders she was giving, and when it seemed like they had me, Flee came in handy. But now it was starting to look like all my tricks had been for naught.

  Then again, if I had been the sort of normal guy who would let things end here, then I would never have defeated all those generals of the Demon King.

  Claire saw that I had stopped moving and took that as an indication that I was giving myself up. With an expression of relief, she came over to me. . .

  “Hey, Lain, how about a trade?”

  I kept up my whole not-resisting act as I spoke to the wizard. Even so, I saw Claire’s expression tighten when I said that. Lain raised an eyebrow.

  “If I remember correctly, you’re from a minor noble house, aren’t you, Lain? You know what close friends I am with Darkness—and you know I’m in good with Darkness’s dad. We’re so tight that he asked me to take good care of his daughter. In fact, the Dustinesses trust me so much, I’ve got a pendant with their crest on it.”

  Lain swallowed heavily at that, but Claire was almost hysterical. “Stop it! Don’t listen to him, Lain! Don’t let that man get into your head!”

  “. . .And Iris and I are such good friends, we call each other by our first names. So you can see how much she adores me—do you really want to tear us apart? Is that what Iris would want? You do me a little favor here, then in the future, Iris and House Dustiness will both remember how nice you were to me. Fortune beckons, my dear Lain.”

  “Ignore him! Even if you win some favor from the Dustinesses, you’ll be in my bad books! And I’m a terrifying enemy, Lain! Oh, and! And! Think of Lady Iris’s future—she may like this man, but he isn’t good for her! You know that as well as anyone—so long as he’s with her, Lady Iris is going to get worse and worse! Just think of how she’s been lately!”

  Caught between Claire and me, Lain looked confused. I guess the soldiers she had with her were some kind of personal guards of hers. They wouldn’t move to arrest me until they had the word from her. And if they were frozen in place, it meant Claire and her troops couldn’t move in on me, either.

  Lain stood there, looking from me to Claire and back, sweating and dithering. She was obviously deeply conflicted—one more good push should do the trick.

  “You’re a smart girl, Lain, so think it over. Wouldn’t a guy who’s defeated bounty heads and generals of the Demon King be helpful to have around? You’ve seen how powerful I am, right? I can spend my time here at the castle being Iris’s playmate, and if you guys wind up in a pinch, I can come to your rescue. I’m great at thinking up strategies and finding people’s weak points and stuff. . . What do you say? There’s no downside, is there? Iris is happy because she gets a playmate. I’m happy because I get to be with Iris. The whole country is happy because they get one more stalwart adventurer to keep them safe. And you, Lain, are happy because the Dustinesses and Iris love you. Sound good? What more could a person ask for?”

  “. . . . . .” She didn’t say anything.

  “Lain, don’t you fall silent! Don’t you clap your hands like, Oh, that makes sense! . . .F-fine, I understand! Lain, I think your house has incurred some debts, has it not?
Let my family take them over! They amount to tens of millions, I believe, yes? Not a bad deal, is it?!”

  I could tell I’d had Lain hooked, but Claire’s offer was starting to bring her back. She bowed her head at me and whispered an apology. When Claire saw that, she finally relaxed a little, an expression of relief coming over her face.

  And if I had been just any adventurer, that might have been it.

  But I wanted to show them precisely how resourceful I could be.

  “Listen to me, Lain. My personal fortune is better than a billion right now. You understand what I’m—”

  “G-get him! Don’t let him say another word!”

  Before I could finish, I heard a shout from Claire, who had sneaked up behind me with her troops.

  “Hey, that’s no fair! You’re not supposed to attack a guy during negotiations! Hey, Claire, you want me to grab your panties again? You’re so quick to threaten Lain, but just think about what it would mean to make an enemy of me!”

  “I know, Master Kazuma—believe me, I know! At this moment, I’m more scared of you than I’ve ever been of any political opponent or monster I’ve ever faced! You have real ability, you’re a smooth talker, and you have powerful connections. I knew you had substantial personal wealth, too, but I never imagined. . .!”

  Nonetheless, Claire gestured to her men to take my arms.

  “Lain, did you bring the memory-erasing potion like I asked?”

  Memory-erasing potion? The heck? I was deeply disturbed by the sound of that, but the soldiers just held my arms even tighter.

  “I never wanted to have to do something quite this brutal, but you absolutely will corrupt Lady Iris if we let you stay with her. And if we simply forced you to return home, you would no doubt harbor a grudge against us. I have no idea what that might lead you to do, and as I believe I’ve made clear, that thought scares me. I’m very sorry, but I’ll have to ask you to forget everything since the day you agreed to go home with Lady Dustiness. Yes, everything that’s happened since you read those children’s letters and got all fired up. . . Now, Lain!”

  Whoa, hold on.

  They were going to make me forget everything since the day I agreed to go home? That would have to include the part where Iris told me she loved her big bro. . .

  “Y-yes, milady. You’re sure? This potion has the potential side effect, if you’re unlucky, of turning you into a blithering idiot. It was considered so potentially inhumane that it was outlawed. . . A-are you certain you want to do this?” Lain came up to me with the potion even as she let slip a bombshell about what it could do. . .!

  “S-stoppit! Don’t make me drink that bizarre crap! Remember this—you’re lucky it’s the middle of the day! I do my best work at night. With my Sense Foe and Ambush skills and my ability to see in the dark, I can get into any mansion in the world, and as long as I have a bow, I can snipe you from as far away as I like! Don’t you forget this! Don’t forget!”

  “Q-quickly! Lain, give him the potion now! Yikes! This man is terrifying! He’s saying he hasn’t even been operating at full capacity! Come to think of it, he didn’t use that awful Freeze move that nearly suffocated Master Mitsurugi. He’s been holding back on us! Quickly, Lain! Get rid of those memories, right up to this very moment!”

  “I’ve been a bodyguard for a long time, and I’ve never seen anything like this man! Q-quickly, now! Come on, Master Kazuma—open your mouth. . .!”

  So there I stood in a corner of the castle grounds, with soldiers holding my arms behind my back, as two noblewomen closed in on me and tried to force my mouth open. Someone just passing by might have thought I had it pretty peachy, but this was no joke!

  “Kindle!”

  “Owww! Hot, hot, hot! Oh no, he put a hole in my favorite cloak!”

  “So you insist on continuing the struggle to the bitter end. . .! You are truly a man to be feared, Master Kazuma! Lain, I’ll buy you a new cloak; just get your Teleport incantation ready! I’ll handle getting the potion into him!”

  Claire grabbed the potion and came toward me, but she looked like she was the one who was cornered. Try to at least look like you’re in charge, lady!

  Lain was quickly chanting her spell and Claire had the potion at my lips when it happened.

  “Big Bro!”

  Maybe all the commotion had attracted her. She was still a ways off, but Iris was running directly toward us with tears in her eyes.

  You know how it goes: Something awful is about to happen to the princess when the hero shows up and rescues her in the nick of time. That’s exactly what this was, except crucially, the roles were reversed.

  Iris took one look at me standing there covered in guards and said, “Claire, what do you think you’re doing to Big Bro?! I am wicked mad right now! Stop this immediately, or I’ll totally never forgive you!”

  “Lady Iris, I must ask you to stop—stop using these words wicked and totally and Big Bro. I understand and accept your royal rebuke. I’m now going to give this man a memory-erasing potion and send him back to Axel!”

  “I will so not forgive that!” Iris said, slapping at the soldiers in her way as if in hopes of stopping this herself.

  “I will so not forgive you, milady, if you don’t stop talking that way!”

  “The tic seems to have infected you as well, Lady Claire! Teleport is ready to go; just say the word!”

  Dammit, I was so close!

  “Elder Brother!”

  Iris realized we were out of time; she planted her feet and called my name at the top of her lungs. “Elder Brother, if ever we meet once more, I’ll never let you leave my side again!”

  What a heartening thing to hear from my dear little sister.

  “Yeah, Big Bro’s going home, Iris! But the next time I show up at the castle, believe me, I’m never gonna leave!”

  “He still doesn’t understand the position he’s in! Now, Master Kazuma, open your mouth! Lain, the instant I give him this potion, get him out of here!”

  Claire dumped the potion into my mouth. It must have been serious stuff, because my head immediately felt heavier, and everything started to go dark. . .

  “When you remember me, write me a letter! I’ll be waiting for you, Elder Brother—I believe you’ll defeat the Demon King one day. . .!”

  Chapter 2

  Retribution for This Roommate!

  1

  When I came to, I was standing at the gate of Axel for some reason.

  . . . . . . . . . . . .?

  For the life of me, I couldn’t remember what had happened. I felt like I had lost something important, but what. . .? It was like I had lost a precious family member, someone I had searched for long and hard. . .

  Gosh, what was this sense of bereavement I felt?

  I was sure my archenemy Claire had. . .

  Claire?

  Wait, why did I think of her as my archenemy? She and I were united in our love of Iris. And yet, I couldn’t shake the sense that I had to get Claire back for something.

  For that matter, I was sure Iris had cajoled me into staying at the castle one more night. I had seen off Darkness and the others, and then we’d had some kind of important conversation in her room. Iris had said something about me. . .

  What was it?

  . . .Huuuuuuh?

  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something didn’t feel right. I would have to get Claire sometime, even if I didn’t exactly know why. Something deep inside me, something almost instinctual, urged me on.

  Ah well. Right now, I was all fired up by the letters from those kids. I was sure the rest of my party felt the same way.

  For the first time in a long time, I trotted through town toward my mansion. How many days had we been in Elroad? We’d spent only a couple of weeks in the capital after that, so why did it feel like so long since I’d been home?

  I was still mulling it over when I arrived at my house. I made to open the door. . .

  . . .only to discover that it wouldn’t
open.

  “. . .?”

  Weird. If anyone was around, it should have been unlocked. So did that mean everyone was out? Maybe they were just so eager to make good on those letters that they had rushed off to the Adventurers Guild to find a quest.

  Eh, if I waited around here, they’d come back eventually. Actually, I hoped they wouldn’t be too long. I’d had Darkness take a bunch of my stuff with her, and I didn’t have a lot of cash on me.

  Hmm. . .?

  “Hey, where’s my wallet? Crap, did I drop it somewhere? When did I do that? It’s not like I was running around or anything.”

  I knew there hadn’t been much left in it, because I’d spent most of my funds buying souvenirs in Elroad. It was all right; I could easily get a new wallet. That was the way things went. I would just hang out by the front door for a while.

  I was still clinging to that hope as day turned to night.

  “Wh-what’s taking them so long. . .?! What are they doing. . .?! Should I look for them at the Guild? No, I’d hate to miss them here. Plus, going to the Guild would sort of be like admitting defeat. . .”

  I sat by the chicken coop in the yard, complaining to Emperor Zel. Inside the coop, the chick slept wrapped up in several fuzzy, warm-looking blankets, with nice clean water and plenty of food—a veritable VIP compared to yours truly, who was currently locked out of his own mansion.

  . . .That was when I noticed something.

  “Hey, aren’t you a little bigger than you used to be?” I sat and stared at the sleeping Zel in his chicken coop. I thought he was supposed to be a slow grower because of all the magic in him. Eh, maybe that was what happened when you went on a long trip.

  That was when I heard the shout.

  “Dragon thief!”

  A second-story window opened, and someone shouted down at me. I wanted to shoot back some smart-ass remark, but there was only one person in our household who referred to Emperor Zel as a dragon.