If You Could See Me Now

by Cecelia Ahern

  ‘Ivan, I’m so glad you’re here.’ Elizabeth came charging out of the kitchen.

  ‘Thank you,’ Ivan smiled, swirling round to greet her. ‘Wow, look at you!’ His mouth dropped open. Elizabeth was wearing a simple white linen summer dress that contrasted with her dark skin beautifully; her long hair was lightly curled and hung down past her shoulders. ‘Give me a twirl,’ Ivan said, still taken aback by her appearance. Her features had softened and everything about her seemed gentler.

  ‘I gave up twirling for men when I was eight. Now stop gawking at me, there’s work to be done,’ she snapped.

  Well, not everything about her was gentler.

  She looked around the garden, hands on her hips as though she was on patrol.

  ‘OK, let me show you what’s happening here.’ She grabbed Ivan by the arm and dragged him towards the table.

  ‘When people arrive through the side gate, they come over here first. This is where they collect their napkins, knives, forks and plates, and then they go along here.’ She moved on, still clutching his arm and speaking quickly. ‘When they get here, you will be standing behind this barbecue where you will prepare whatever they choose from this selection.’ She displayed a side table of meats. ‘On the left is soya meat, on the right is regular. Do not confuse the two.’

  Ivan opened his mouth to protest but she held a finger up and continued, ‘Then after they take their burger buns, they move on to the salad here. Please note that the sauces for the burgers are here.’

  Ivan picked up an olive and she slapped his hand, causing him to drop it back into the bowl. She continued, ‘Desserts are over here, tea and coffee here, organic milk in the left jug, regular milk on the right, toilets through the door on the left only; I don’t want them traipsing through the house, OK?’

  Ivan nodded.

  ‘Any questions?’

  ‘Just one.’ He grabbed an olive and popped it into his mouth before she had a chance to steal it from his grasp. ‘Why are you telling me all this?’

  Elizabeth rolled her eyes. ‘Because,’ she wiped her clammy hands in a napkin, ‘I’ve never done this whole hosting thing before, and seeing as you got me into this mess, I need you to help me.’

  Ivan laughed. ‘Elizabeth, you will be fine but my barbecuing food will clearly not help.’

  ‘Why, don’t you have barbecues in Ekam Eveileb?’ she asked sarcastically.

  Ivan ignored her comment. ‘Look, you don’t need rules and schedules today. Just let people do what they like, roam the garden, mingle with everyone and choose their food themselves. Who cares if they start at the apple pie?’

  Elizabeth looked horrified. ‘Start at the apple pie?’ she spluttered. ‘But that’s the wrong end of the table. No, Ivan, you need to tell them where the queue starts and ends. I won’t have time.’ She rushed towards the kitchen. ‘Dad, I hope you’re not eating all those cocktail sausages in there,’ she called.

  ‘Dad?’ Ivan’s eyes widened, ‘He’s here?’

  ‘Yes.’ She rolled her eyes but Ivan could tell she didn’t mean it. ‘It’s just as well you weren’t here the past few days because I’ve been up to my eyes in family secrets, tears, break-ups and make-ups. But we’re getting there,’ she relaxed for a moment and smiled at Ivan. The doorbell rang and she jumped, her face contorting into panic.

  ‘Relax, Elizabeth!’ Ivan laughed.

  ‘Come around the side!’ she called to the visitor.

  ‘Before they get here I just want to give you a present,’ Ivan said, removing his arm from where it had been hiding behind his back. He held out a large red umbrella towards her and her forehead crumpled in confusion.

  ‘It’s to protect you from the rain,’ Ivan explained softly. ‘You could have done with this the other night, I suppose.’

  Elizabeth’s forehead cleared as the realisation set in. ‘That’s so thoughtful of you, thank you.’ She hugged him. Her head shot up suddenly. ‘But how did you know about the other night?’

  Benjamin appeared at the gate with a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine.

  ‘Happy birthday, Elizabeth.’

  She spun round and her cheeks pinked. She hadn’t seen him since that day in the building site when Ivan had splattered her alleged love for him in large red letters across the wall.

  ‘Thank you,’ she replied, making her way to him.

  He held the gifts towards her and she struggled to find a way to take them with the umbrella in her hand. Benjamin spotted the umbrella and laughed. ‘I don’t think you’ll need that today.’

  ‘Oh, this?’ Elizabeth reddened even more. ‘This was a gift from Ivan.’

  Benjamin raised his eyebrows. ‘Really? You give him a hard time, don’t you? I’m beginning to think there’s something going on with you two.’

  Elizabeth didn’t allow her smile to waver. She wished. ‘Actually, he’s somewhere around here – maybe I can finally get to introduce the two of you properly.’ She scanned the garden, wondering why it was Benjamin found her so funny all the time.

  ‘Ivan?’ I could hear Elizabeth calling my name.

  ‘Yes,’ I replied, not looking up from helping Luke put on his party hat.

  ‘Ivan?’ she called again.

  ‘Ye-es,’ I said impatiently, standing to my feet and looking at her. Her eyes passed over me and she continued scanning the garden.

  My heart stopped beating; I swear I felt it stop.

  I took deep breaths and tried not to panic. ‘Elizabeth,’ I called, my voice so shaky and distant I barely recognised myself.

  She didn’t turn round. ‘I don’t know where he’s disappeared to. He was here just a minute ago.’ She sounded angry. ‘He was supposed to get the barbecue ready.’

  Benjamin laughed again. ‘How appropriate. Well, that’s a subtle way of asking me but I can do it, no problem.’

  Elizabeth looked at him in confusion, lost in thought. ‘OK, great, thanks.’ She continued looking around. I watched as Benjamin put the apron on over his head and Elizabeth explained everything to him. I watched from the outside, no longer a part of the picture. People began to arrive and I felt dizzy as the garden filled, as the volume went up, voices and laughter grew louder, the smell of food became stronger. I watched as Elizabeth tried to force Joe to taste some of her flavoured coffee as everyone else looked on and laughed; I watched Elizabeth and Benjamin’s heads close together as they shared a secret and then laughed; I watched as Elizabeth’s father stood at the end of the garden, blackthorn cane in one hand, cup and saucer in the other as he stared out wistfully to the rolling hills and waited for another of his daughters to return; I watched as Mrs Bracken and her lady friends stood by the dessert table, sneakily taking another slice of cake when they thought that no one was looking.

  But I saw them. I saw it all.

  I was like a visitor in an art museum, standing in front of a busy painting, trying to make sense of it, loving it so much and wanting to jump in and become a part of it. I was pushed further and further to the back of the garden. My head spun and my knees were weak.

  I watched as Luke carried out Elizabeth’s birthday cake, helped by Poppy, and led everyone in singing ‘Happy Birthday to You’ as Elizabeth’s face pinked in surprise and embarrassment. I watched as she looked around for me and couldn’t find me, as she closed her eyes, made a wish and blew out the candles like the little girl that never had her twelfth birthday party and who was living it all now. It brought back to me what Opal had said about me never having a birthday, never ageing while Elizabeth did and would this day, every year. The local crowd smiled and cheered as she blew out the candles, but for me they represented the passing of time, and as she extinguished those dancing flames, she extinguished a tiny bit of hope that was left inside me. They represented why we couldn’t be together, and that stabbed my heart. The cheery mass celebrated while I commiserated and I couldn’t help but be more aware than ever that with every minute that ticked by she was getting older. Me, I just felt it.


  ‘Ivan!’ Elizabeth grabbed me from behind. ‘Where have you been for the past hour? I’ve been looking all over for you!’

  I was so shocked she acknowledged me I could barely speak. ‘I’ve been here all day,’ I said weakly, savouring every second her brown eyes were locked onto mine.

  ‘No you haven’t. I’ve been by this way at least five times and you weren’t here. Are you OK?’ she looked worried. ‘You’re very pale.’ She felt my forehead. ‘Have you eaten?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘I’ve just heated some pizza; let me get you some, OK? What kind do you want?’

  ‘One with olives, please. Olives are by far my favourite.’

  She narrowed her eyes and studied me curiously, looking me up and down. Slowly she said, ‘OK, I’ll go get it but don’t go disappearing on me again. There are some people I want to introduce you to, OK?’

  I nodded.

  Moments later she came rushing out with a huge slice of pizza. It smelled so good, my tummy screamed out with joy and I hadn’t even thought I was hungry. I held my hands up to take the luscious slice from her, but her brown eyes darkened, her face hardened and she pulled the plate away. ‘Damn it, Ivan, where have you gone now?’ she muttered, searching the garden with her eyes.

  My knees were so weak now I couldn’t keep my body up any more; I just collapsed onto the grass, back up against the wall of the house, leaning my elbows on my knees.

  I heard a little whisper in my ear, felt the warm breath and smelled sweets on Luke’s breath. ‘It’s happening, isn’t it?’

  All I could do was nod.

  This is the part where the fun stops. This part is, by far, not my favourite.

  Chapter 39

  Feeling every mile with every step, every stone and pebble beneath the sole of my foot, and every second that ticked by, I eventually arrived at the hospital, exhausted and totally drained. There was still one friend that needed me.

  Olivia and Opal must have seen it in my face when I entered the room; they must have seen the dark colours emanating from my body, the way my shoulders were slumped, the way the entire weight of everything in the atmosphere had suddenly decided to balance itself on my shoulders. I knew from the look in their tired eyes that they knew. Of course they knew – it was all a part of our job. At least twice a year we all met special people who consumed our days and nights and all of our thoughts, and each time with each person, we had to go through the process of losing them. Opal liked to teach us that it wasn’t us losing them; it was a matter of them moving on. But I couldn’t see how I wasn’t losing Elizabeth. Without having any control, any ability to make her hold on to me, to still see me, she was slipping through my fingers. What did I win? What did I gain? Every time I left a friend I was as lonely as the day before I met them, and in Elizabeth’s case, lonelier, because I knew that I was missing out on the possibility of so much more. And here’s the sixty-four-million-dollar question, what do our friends get out of it?

  A happy ending?

  Would I call Elizabeth’s current situation a happy ending? Mothering a six-year-old boy she never wanted, worrying about a missing sister, a mother who had deserted her and a complex father? Wasn’t her life the exact same as when I arrived?

  But I guess this wasn’t Elizabeth’s ending. Remember the detail, Opal always tells me. I suppose what had changed in Elizabeth’s life was her mind, the way she was thinking. All I had done was plant the seed of hope; she alone could help it to grow. And because she was starting to lose sight of me, perhaps that seed was being cultivated.

  I sat in the corner of the hospital room watching Opal clinging to Geoffrey’s hands as if she was hanging off the edge of the cliff. Perhaps she was. You could see in her face that she was willing for everything to be as it once was; I bet she would have done a deal with a devil right then and there if it would have brought him back. She would have gone to hell and back, she would have faced every single one of her fears just for him, right then.

  The things we do to go back in time.

  The things we don’t do the first time round.

  Opal’s words were being spoken through Olivia’s lips; Geoffrey could no longer speak. Tears were falling from Opal’s eyes and landing on his lifeless hands, her bottom lip was trembling. She wasn’t ready to let go. She had never let go of him and now it was too late, he was leaving before she had a chance.

  She was losing him.

  Life seemed dreary to me right then. As depressing as the cracked blue paint on the walls built to hold up a building intended to heal.

  Geoffrey slowly raised a hand; you could tell he was mustering all his strength. The movement surprised everyone as he hadn’t spoken in days, hadn’t reacted to anything at all. No one was more surprised than Opal, who suddenly felt the touch of his hand across her face, as he wiped away her tears. Contact after twenty years. He could finally see her. Opal kissed his large hand and allowed it to cradle her small face and comfort her through her shock, relief and regret.

  Geoffrey gave one last gasp, his chest rose one final time and fell, his hand dropping to the bed.

  She had lost him and I wondered if Opal was still telling herself that he had merely moved on.

  I decided then and there that I needed to have control of my final moment. I needed to say goodbye to Elizabeth properly, tell her the truth about me one final time so she wouldn’t think I had run off and deserted her. I didn’t want her to spend years being bitter about the man she once loved who broke her heart. No, that would have been too easy for her; that would have given her an excuse to never love again. And she wanted to love again. I didn’t want her, like Geoffrey, to wait for ever for my return and finally die a lonely old woman.

  Olivia nodded to me encouragingly as I stood up, kissed Opal on the top of her head from where she sat face down on the bed, still grasping his hand and wailing so loudly I knew it was the sound of her heart breaking. I didn’t notice until I got out into the chilly air that tears were streaming down my face.

  I began to run.

  Elizabeth was dreaming. She was in an empty white room and she was dancing around, sprinkling and splashing colours of paint all around her. She was singing the song she hadn’t been able to get out of her head for the past two months and she was so happy and free as she leaped around the room, watching the thick pulpous paint land on the walls with a splish-splosh.

  ‘Elizabeth,’ a voice was whispering.

  She continued to swirl around the room. No one else was there.

  ‘Elizabeth,’ the voice whispered, and her body started to rock slightly as she danced.

  ‘Mmm?’ she responded happily.

  ‘Wake up, Elizabeth. I need to talk to you,’ came the sweet voice.

  She opened her eyes slightly, spotted Ivan’s worried handsome face beside her, rubbed her hand over his face and for a moment they stared deeply into each other’s eyes. She revelled in the look he gave her, tried to return it but lost the battle with sleep and allowed her eyelids to flutter closed again. She was dreaming, she knew that, but she couldn’t keep her eyes open.

  ‘Can you hear me?’

  ‘Mmm,’ she responded, twirling and twirling and twirling.

  ‘Elizabeth, I came to tell you that I have to go.’

  ‘Why?’ she murmured sleepily. ‘You just got here. Sleep.’

  ‘I can’t. I’d love to but I can’t. I’ve got to go. Remember I told you this would happen?’

  She felt his warm breath on her neck, smelled his skin; fresh and sweet as though he had bathed in blueberries.

  ‘Mmm,’ she replied, ‘Ekam Eveileb,’ she stated, painting blueberries across the wall, reaching her hand to the paint and tasting it as though it was freshly squeezed.

  ‘Something like that. You don’t need me any more, Elizabeth,’ he said softly. ‘You’re going to stop seeing me now. Someone else will need me.’

  She ran a hand across his jawline, felt his soft stubble-free skin. She ran th
e length of the room, running her hand along the red paint. This tasted like strawberries. She looked down to the can of paint in her hand and spotted them – fresh strawberries piled high.

  ‘I’ve figured something out, Elizabeth. I’ve figured out what my life is all about and it’s not that different to yours.’

  ‘Mmm,’ she smiled.

  ‘Life is made up of meetings and partings. People come into your life everyday, you say good morning, you say good evening, some stay for a few minutes, some stay for a few months, some a year, others a whole lifetime. No matter who it is, you meet and then you part. I’m so glad I met you, Elizabeth Egan; I’ll thank my lucky stars for that. I think I wished for you all of my life,’ he whispered. ‘But now it’s time for us to part.’

  ‘Mmm,’ she murmured sleepily. ‘Don’t go.’ He was with her now in the room, they were chasing each other, splashing each other, teasing one another. She didn’t want him to go; she was having so much fun.

  ‘I have to go,’ his voice cracked. ‘Please understand.’

  The tone of his voice made her stop running. She dropped the paint brush. It fell to the floor, leaving a red smudge on the brand-new white carpet. She looked up at him; his face was crumpled in sadness.

  ‘I loved you the moment I saw you and I will always love you, Elizabeth.’

  She felt him kiss her below her left ear, so soft and sensual she didn’t want him to stop.

  ‘I love you too,’ she said sleepily.

  But he did stop. She looked around the paint- splattered room and he was gone.

  Her eyes flew open at the sound of her voice. Had she just said ‘I love you?’ She leaned up on one elbow and groggily looked around the bedroom.

  But the room was empty. She was alone. The sun was rising over the tips of the mountains, night had ended and it was the start of a new day. She closed her eyes and continued dreaming.