If You Could See Me Now

by Cecelia Ahern

  Chapter 40

  One week on from that morning and Elizabeth found herself moping around the house in her pyjamas, dragging her slipper-clad feet from room to room early on a Sunday morning. She stood at the doorway of each room, gazed inside and searched for … something, although she didn’t quite know what for. None of these rooms offered her any solution and so she wandered on. Warming her hands on a mug of coffee, she stood still in the hallway, trying to decide what to do. She didn’t usually move so slowly and her mind had never felt so clouded before, but she was a lot of things now that she never used to be.

  It wasn’t as though she didn’t have things to do; the house was due its bi-weekly scrub from top to bottom and there was still the problem of the children’s room in the hotel to be completed. Never mind completing it, it wasn’t even started. Vincent and Benjamin had been on her back all week, she was losing even more sleep than usual because she had simply no idea what to do and, being the perfectionist, she couldn’t begin it unless it was completely clear in her mind. To pass this on to Poppy would be a failure on her part. She was a talented professional woman, but this month she had felt like a schoolgirl again, ignoring her pencils and pens and avoiding her laptop so she didn’t have to do her homework. She was looking for a distraction, a decent excuse to drag her away for once from the mindless block she found herself in.

  She hadn’t seen Ivan since her party last week; she hadn’t received a phone call, a letter, nothing. It was as though he had disappeared off the face of the earth, and as well as being angry, she felt lonely. She missed him.

  It was seven o’clock in the morning and the playroom was alive with the sounds of cartoons. Elizabeth made her way down the hall and popped her head into the room.

  ‘Mind if I join you?’ I promise I won’t say anything, she felt like adding.

  Luke look surprised but shook his head. He sat on the floor, straining his neck up to see the television. It looked uncomfortable but she chose silence instead of criticising him. She collapsed on the beanbag beside him and tucked her legs close to her body.

  ‘What are you watching?’

  ‘SpongeBob Squarepants.’

  ‘Sponge what?’ she laughed.

  ‘SpongeBob Squarepants,’ he repeated, not taking his eyes away from the television.

  ‘What’s it about?’

  ‘A sponge called Bob who wears square pants,’ he giggled.

  ‘Any good?’

  ‘Mm-hmm,’ he nodded. ‘Seen it before twice, though.’ He spooned Rice Krispies into his mouth messily, spilling milk down his chin.

  ‘Why are you watching it again? Why don’t you go out into the fresh air and play with Sam? You’ve been inside all weekend.’

  She was greeted with silence.

  ‘Actually, where is Sam? Is he away?’

  ‘We’re not friends any more,’ Luke said sadly.

  ‘Why not?’ she asked in surprise, sitting up and placing her coffee cup on the floor.

  Luke shrugged.

  ‘Did you have a fight?’ Elizabeth asked gently.

  Luke shook his head.

  ‘Did he say something to make you sad?’ she probed.

  He shook his head again.

  ‘Did you make him mad?’

  Another shake of the head.

  ‘Well, what happened?’

  ‘Nothing,’ Luke explained. ‘He just told me one day he didn’t want to be my friend any more.’

  ‘Well, that’s not very nice,’ Elizabeth said gently. ‘Do you want me to talk to him for you, see what’s wrong?’

  Luke shrugged. There was a silence between them as he continued staring at the screen, lost in thought.

  ‘You know, I know what it’s like to miss a friend, Luke. You know my friend Ivan?’

  ‘He was my friend too.’

  ‘Yes,’ she smiled. ‘Well, I miss him. I haven’t seen him all week either.’

  ‘Yeah, he’s gone now. He told me so; he has to help someone else now.’

  Elizabeth’s eyes widened and anger welled inside her. He hadn’t even the decency to say goodbye to her. ‘When did he say goodbye to you? What did he say?’ From the startled look on Luke’s face she immediately stopped firing questions so aggressively. She needed to keep reminding herself that he was only six.

  ‘He said goodbye to me the same day as he said goodbye to you.’ His voice went up a pitch as though she was crazy. His face crumpled up and he looked at her as though she’d ten heads, and if she hadn’t been so confused she would have laughed at the sight of him.

  But inside she wasn’t laughing. She paused and thought for a moment and then exploded. ‘What! What are you talking about?’

  ‘After the party in the garden, he came to the house and he told me that his job with us was finished, that he was going to be invisible again like he used to be but he would still be around and that meant that we were OK.’ He spoke chirpily turning his attention back to the television.

  ‘Invisible,’ Elizabeth said the word like it had a bad taste.

  ‘Yep,’ Luke chirped. ‘Well, people don’t call him imaginary for no reason, doh!’ He hit himself on the head and fell over onto the ground.

  ‘What is he putting into your head?’ she grumbled angrily, wondering if she was wrong to introduce a person like Ivan into Luke’s life. ‘When is he coming back?’

  Luke lowered the volume on the TV and turned to her with that crazy look on his face again. ‘He’s not. He told you that already.’

  ‘He didn’t …’ Her voice failed her.

  ‘He did, in your bedroom. I saw him go in; I heard him talking.’

  Elizabeth cast her mind back to that night and to the dream she had, the dream she had been thinking about all week, the dream that had been bothering her and suddenly realised with a sinking feeling in her heart that it hadn’t been a dream at all.

  She had lost him. In her dreams and in real life, she had lost Ivan.

  Chapter 41

  ‘Hello, Elizabeth.’ Sam’s mother opened her front door wider and welcomed her in.

  ‘Hi, Fiona,’ Elizabeth said, stepping in. Fiona had been taking Elizabeth’s relationship with Ivan so well during the past few weeks. They hadn’t discussed it directly but Fiona was being as polite as she always was. Elizabeth was thankful there was no awkwardness between them. Unfortunately, she was worried Sam hadn’t taken it as well. ‘I came round to have a chat with Sam, if that’s OK. Luke is so upset without him.’

  Fiona looked at her sadly. ‘I know, I’ve been trying to talk to him all week about it. Maybe you can do a better job than me.’

  ‘Has he told you what their falling-out is about?’

  Fiona tried to hide a smile and nodded.

  ‘Is it about Ivan?’ Elizabeth asked, worried. She had always been anxious that Sam would be jealous of the amount of time Ivan was spending with her and Luke, and so she had invited him over to the house and included him in Ivan’s activities as much as possible.

  ‘Yes,’ Fiona confirmed with a broad smile. ‘Children can be funny at that age, can’t they?’ Elizabeth relaxed at finally learning Fiona hadn’t a problem with the time she and Luke spent with Ivan, and was putting it down to Sam’s behaviour.

  ‘I’ll let him tell you in his own words,’ she continued, leading Elizabeth through her home.

  Elizabeth had to fight the urge to look round to see if Ivan was there. As much as she was here to help Luke she was also trying to help herself. Finding and returning two best friends was better than one and she ached to be with Ivan so much.

  Fiona pushed open the playroom door and Elizabeth entered. ‘Sam, honey, Luke’s mom is here to talk to you,’ Fiona said gently, and for the first time, Elizabeth experienced a warm glow when she heard those words.

  Sam paused the PlayStation and looked up at her with sad brown eyes. Elizabeth bit on her lip and fought the urge to smile. Fiona left them alone to talk.

  ‘Hi, Sam,’ she said gently. ‘Mind if I s
it down?’

  He shook his head and she balanced herself on the edge of the couch.

  ‘Luke tells me you don’t want to be his friend any more, is that right?’

  Unashamedly, he nodded his head.

  ‘Do you want to tell me why?’

  He took a moment to ponder that and then nodded. ‘I don’t like to play the same games as him.’

  ‘Did you tell him this?’

  He nodded.

  ‘And what did he say?’

  Sam looked confused and shrugged his shoulders. ‘He is weird.’

  A lump formed in Elizabeth’s throat and she was immediately defensive. ‘What do you mean, weird?’

  ‘At first it was funny but then it just got boring and I didn’t want to play any more but Luke wouldn’t stop.’

  ‘What game is that?’

  ‘The games with his invisible friend.’ He put on a bored voice and made a face.

  Elizabeth’s hands grew clammy. ‘But his invisible friend was only around for a few days, and that was months ago, Sam.’

  Sam gave her a funny look. ‘But you played with him too.’

  Elizabeth’s eyes widened. ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘Ivan whatshisface,’ he grumbled, ‘boring old Ivan who just wants to spin on chairs all day, or have mud fights or play chasing. Every single day it was Ivan, Ivan, Ivan and,’ his already squeaky voice raised a pitch, ‘I couldn’t even see him!’

  ‘What?’ Elizabeth was confused. ‘You couldn’t see him? What do you mean?’

  Sam thought hard about how he could explain that. ‘I mean, I couldn’t see him,’ he said simply, shrugging his shoulders.

  ‘But you played with him all the time.’ She ran her clammy fingers through her hair.

  ‘Yeah, because Luke was, but I got sick of pretending and Luke wouldn’t stop. He kept saying he was real.’ He rolled his eyes.

  Elizabeth placed her fingers on the bridge of her nose. ‘I don’t know what you mean, Sam. Ivan is your mum’s friend, is he not?’

  Sam’s eyes widened. He had a startled expression. ‘Eh, nope.’

  ‘No?’

  ‘No,’ he confirmed.

  ‘But Ivan minded you and Luke. He collected you and brought you home,’ Elizabeth stammered.

  Sam looked worried. ‘I’m allowed to walk home by myself, Ms Egan.’

  ‘But the, eh, the, em …’ Elizabeth suddenly snapped to attention, remembering something. She clicked her fingers, making Sam jump. ‘The water fight – what about the water fight in the back garden? It was you, me, Luke and Ivan, remember that?’ she probed. ‘Remember, Sam?’

  His face paled. ‘There was only three of us.’

  ‘What?’ she shouted louder than she meant to.

  Sam’s face crumpled up and he began to cry silently.

  ‘Oh, no,’ she panicked, ‘please don’t cry, Sam, I didn’t mean to.’ She held her hands out to him but he ran towards the door, shouting for his mother. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, Sam. Please stop. Ssshhh,’ she said quietly. ‘Oh God,’ she groaned, listening as Fiona hushed him.

  Fiona entered the room.

  ‘I’m sorry, Fiona,’ Elizabeth apologised.

  ‘It’s OK.’ Fiona looked a little worried. ‘He’s a bit sensitive about it.’

  ‘I understand,’ Elizabeth gulped. ‘About Ivan,’ she swallowed again and stood to her feet, ‘you know him, don’t you?’

  Fiona’s brow wrinkled. ‘What do you mean by “know him”?’

  Elizabeth’s heart raced. ‘I mean, he’s been around here before?’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ Fiona smiled, ‘he was here many times with Luke. We even had him over for dinner,’ she winked.

  Elizabeth relaxed but was unsure of how to interpret the wink. She placed her hand on her heart and it began to slow down. ‘Phew, Fiona, thank God,’ she laughed with relief. ‘For a minute there, I thought I was going mad.’

  ‘Oh, don’t be silly,’ Fiona placed a hand on her arm. ‘We all do it, you know. When Sam was two years old, he went through the exact same thing. Rooster, he called his little friend,’ she beamed. ‘So, believe me, I know exactly what you’re going through, opening car doors, cooking extra dinners and setting an extra place at the table. Don’t worry, I understand. You were right to play along.’

  Elizabeth’s head was beginning to spin but Fiona’s voice kept going on and on.

  ‘When you think about it, it’s such a waste of food really, isn’t it? It just sits there through the entire meal completely untouched and, believe me, I know, I was keeping an eye on it. I’ll have no spooky invisible men in this house, thank you very much!’

  Moisture was rising to Elizabeth’s throat. She grabbed the corner of the chair to steady herself.

  ‘But like I said earlier, that’s six-year-olds for you. I’m sure this so-called Ivan will disappear in time; they say they don’t last for more than two months really. He should be gone soon, don’t you worry.’ She finally stopped talking but moved her face quizzically towards Elizabeth, ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Air,’ Elizabeth gasped. ‘I just need to get some air.’

  ‘Of course,’ Fiona said hurriedly, leading her towards the front door.

  Elizabeth charged outside, taking in big gulps of air.

  ‘Can I get you a glass of water?’ Fiona asked worriedly, rubbing her back as Elizabeth leaned over facing the ground, with her hands resting on her knees.

  ‘No, thanks,’ she said quietly, standing up. ‘I’ll be OK.’ She wandered unsteadily down the path without a goodbye, leaving Fiona staring after her nervously.

  Once back in her own house, Elizabeth slammed the front door behind her and slid down to the floor with her head in her hands.

  ‘Elizabeth, what’s wrong?’ Luke asked worriedly, still in his pyjamas and barefoot as he stood before her.

  She couldn’t answer. She could do nothing but go through the past few months over and over in her mind – all her special memories and moments with Ivan, all their conversations together. Who was there with them, who had seen them, spoken to him. They had been in crowded places, people had seen them together, Benjamin had seen them, and Joe had seen them. She kept on thinking back over everything, trying to remember moments when Ivan had conversations with all of these people. She couldn’t be imagining all this. She was a sane, responsible woman.

  Her face was pale as she finally looked up to face Luke.

  ‘Ekam Eveileb,’ was all she could say.

  ‘Yep,’ Luke giggled. ‘It’s backwards language. Cool, isn’t it?’

  It took Elizabeth seconds to work it out.

  Make Believe.

  Chapter 42

  ‘Come on,’ Elizabeth shouted, pounding on her horn, to the two coaches inching by each other slowly on the main street of Baile na gCroíthe. It was September and the last of the tourists were passing through the town. After this the busy place would return to its usual silence, like a banquet hall the morning after a party, leaving the locals to tidy up and remember the events and people that came through. The students would be heading back to college in the neighbouring counties and towns and the locals would once again be alone to struggle with their businesses.

  Elizabeth held her hand down on her horn and blasted it at the coach before her. A sea of foreign faces turned around in the back of the bus to glare at her. Beside her, the locals spilled out of the church after attending morning Mass. Taking advantage of the glorious sunny day they gathered around in groups on the street, chatting and catching up on the week’s events. They too turned to stare at the source of the angry beeping but Elizabeth didn’t care. She was following no rules today; she was desperate to get to Joe’s as she knew Joe at least could admit to seeing Ivan and her together, putting an end to this cruel and bizarre joke.

  Too impatient to wait for the coaches to pass one other, leaving the car in traffic, she jumped out and ran across the road to the café.

  ‘Joe!’ she called, charging in through the door. She co
uldn’t keep the panic out of her voice.

  ‘Ah, there ye are, just the woman I was lookin’ for.’ Joe stepped out from the kitchen. ‘I want to show ye my new fancy machine. It’s—’

  ‘I don’t care,’ she butted in, breathlessly, ‘I’ve no time. Just please answer me this question. You remember me being in here with a man a few times, don’t you?’

  Joe looked up to the ceiling in thought, feeling important.

  Elizabeth held her breath.

  ‘Aye, I do.’

  Elizabeth breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Thank God,’ she laughed, a little too hysterically.

  ‘Now could you pay attention to me new device,’ he said proudly. ‘It’s a brand-new coffee-makin’ machine. Makes these espressos and cap’chinos and all.’ He picked up an espresso cup. ‘Sure that would only hold a drip. Brings a whole new meanin’ to the phrase “hot drop”.’

  Elizabeth laughed, so happy about the news about Ivan and the coffee she could have jumped over the counter and kissed him.

  ‘So where is this man?’ Joe asked, trying to figure out how to make Elizabeth an espresso.

  Elizabeth’s smile faded. ‘Oh, I don’t know.’

  ‘Gone back to America, is he? Sure, doesn’t he live there in New York? The Big Apple, don’t they call it? I’ve seen it on the telly and if you ask me it looks nothin’ like an apple at all.’

  Elizabeth’s heart pounded in her chest. ‘No, Joe, not Benjamin. You’re thinking of Benjamin.’

  ‘The fella you had drinks with in here a few times,’ Joe confirmed.

  ‘No,’ Elizabeth’s anger rose. ‘Well, yes, I did. But I’m talking about the other man who was with me here. Ivan is his name. I-v-a-n,’ she repeated slowly.

  Joe made a face and shook his head. ‘Don’t know an Ivan.’

  ‘Yes you do,’ she said rather forcefully.

  ‘Listen here,’ Joe took off his reading glasses and put down the manual, ‘I know just about everyone in this town and I don’t know an Ivan nor have I ever heard of one.’

  ‘But, Joe,’ Elizabeth pleaded, ‘please think back.’ Then she remembered. ‘The day we splashed coffee all around outside – that was Ivan.’