Dear Santa: I'm Gay
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I have to run. My friends are waiting for me to go get dinner at the dining hall with them and I have to break the news that I'm most likely heading home later this week. Wish me luck and please keep working hard on this Christmas present.
Thanks for listening,
Holly
Chapter 5: 11/29/16
Dear Santa:
I was right about my friends not being too happy about me cutting out during our last week together before break. I broke the news at dinner last night and they were pretty bummed that our plans would be falling through. They did lighten up a bit though when I explained there was a cute boy at the diner that I had my eye on.
I guess before I continue I should tell you a little about my closest college friends. We call ourselves the "fantastic five" (creative, I know) and we met freshman year when we were all in the same dorm. If we hadn't been in the same dorm, I'm assuming there is no way the five of us would have become a tight knit group of friends. We definitely have our differences, but that doesn't matter when you are just starting college and looking for anyone to talk to. After attaching ourselves to each other that first semester, we learned to love each other and love our differences.
The two out of our group that are my roommates are Karen and Sophia. Karen is a biology major and just found out she was accepted into a physicians assistant program for next year. She spent the majority of her time studying. Normally the only way I was able to spend time with her is if I agreed to go to the library together. I'm not sure if I've ever seen Sophia open up a book in her life. Sometimes it seems like she is majoring in Pinterest (instead of journalism) as she spends most of her time on there planning out her wedding. No, she isn't engaged yet but she is hoping to be by the time we graduate. She is still dating her high school sweetheart, Ben - her first love and the first boy she ever kissed. I still get feel a pang of jealousy every time she talks about him. I wish that could be my story (but also with a boy of course.. not my true first love). We work well as roommates because we all enjoy sitting in and watching movies just as much as we like going out to the club, so we never judge each other based on how we choose to spend our Friday nights.
Our other two friends, Penelope and Nora, both play soccer and live with two girls from the soccer team. I honestly don't know how these two haven't killed each other by now. Penelope is studying to be a school counselor and spends her free time attending the Christian groups on campus. I've never seen her have even a sip of alcohol. Sophia and I have gone to many bible studies with her and both really enjoy attending them. We have had many good discussions about our beliefs and it has become very obvious that Sophia and I have a more "liberal" approach to our faith while Penelope seems more rooted in the Old Testament type beliefs. These differences never bothered any of us though. Our conversations were always cut short by Nora telling us that conversations like this might cause a "sinner like her" to melt. I'm honestly not sure what Nora's major is since she has changed it so many times. Her college experience has been more about "booze and boys" (these are her own words). Any chance she gets away from soccer is normally spent drinking. I've never seen her with the same guy for more than one week, but I've also never seen her go for more than a week without a guy hanging on her.
So yes, I guess you could say my friends are one of a kind but they are also the kind of friends that would drop anything to be with you the moment you need them.
Are these explanations really necessary when you should technically already know who all these people are? Oh well... back to my story. My friends seemed surprised, but excited, that I had a potential love interest back home and let me off the hook for ditching them.
We had lunch together again today and then I spent the rest of the day getting ahead on studying. With how much my mind wanders, I need to take advantage of the times I can actually focus.
I better get to bed. I have two classes tomorrow afternoon and then I am heading home before the snow hits. I'm thinking about hitting up the diner on my way, as I pass by it on my drive home.
Wish me luck!
Holly
Chapter 6: 11/30/16
Dear Santa,
Today (or maybe I should say yesterday since it's technically past midnight) was by far one of the worst days of my life so far. Maybe I will look back and realize I was being dramatic by saying this, but right now it feels like my world is crashing down. I guess I better tell you the whole story.
Classes were fine. Both were spent on reviewing for finals. I went back to my place and packed up quickly and was on the road by 4:00. I decided I was going to surprise my parents and not tell them I was coming home because I wanted to stop by the diner and knew they would either question why I did or insist on meeting me there. I wanted the chance to talk to Jeff a little without them around.
I arrived at the diner at 6:30. I was happy to see that Jeff was working and sat in the same section I did the other night with my family hoping he would wait on me again. I was happy to see him walking my way, but did take notice to the fact that Zoe wasn't with him today. As soon as he came to the table he said, "You look awfully familiar. Weren't you just here the other night? Where is your posse?" I explained to him my plan to study at home during the snow storm and head back to school on time for finals on Monday. He told me that Dawkins still has another full week of classes next week and then has finals the following week. He took my order and I took out some school books to study.
The diner was pretty dead, so I talked to him a lot in between him serving the one or two other costumers that were there. I learned that he is in fact a computer science major and will be graduating in May. He comes from a very big family where he is the oldest of 7 kids, hence why he needs to work at the diner to help pay for school. He is from a really small town just 1 hour north of Dawkins. When I was done eating, I asked if it would be ok for me to stick around and study since there weren't other people waiting for my table. He said that would be fine and we continued with small talk during my study breaks.
Two hours after arriving at the diner, Jeff came up and told me his friends were having a party tonight and asked if I wanted to come.
"I know it's a really strange request," he explained "and I totally understand if you don't feel comfortable with it. I'm just having a nice time talking to you and figured since you seemed to get a lot of studying done here tonight that you deserve a break."
Normally I would have never said yes to a request like this. I knew it was a big risk to trust someone I had just met, but he seemed sincere and I figured this could be the answer to my Christmas wish! We also both agreed that we wouldn't drink at all to guarantee we would both be in the right frame of mind.
A half hour later, we hopped in his car and headed to the party. I was right to trust Jeff. He was the perfect gentleman all night. We had a great time talking and I even thought that just maybe I had felt a little something when I was dancing close to him. I was sure that this was my Christmas present and so excited that it even came early!
The time flew by and before I knew it, I looked at my phone and realized that it was 1am. I told him I should probably head home or my parents would become really suspicious about why I left school so late. He drove me back to the diner, walked me over to my car, and held open the door for me. Then he leaned in to give me a hug. I could tell he would have gone for more if he wasn't unsure of how I would respond. I decided I needed to be the one to make the move, so I pulled his face down toward mine and kissed him. I didn't just make it a quick kiss. I really went for it and in the middle of it all, I felt my heart sink. Nothing felt right about it. I understand that not every kiss has to be magical, but here I was with a super nice, good looking guy and all I could think about was how I felt absolutely nothing.
I pulled away, whispered a quick apology, and hopped in my car hoping I could avoid bursting into tears in front of him. Of course that wasn't going to happen. He was too nice of a guy for that. He knocked on my window then o
pened the door that I didn't have a chance to lock yet.
"So umm do you want to talk about what just happened?" He was tripping over his own words. "I mean..uhh.. I didn't do anything wrong, did I?" I started into a big long "it's not you, it's me" speech and at this point there were tears running down my face.
I saw what seemed like a trace of a smile come onto his face as he questioned, "So does this have anything to do with the way you were looking at Zoe the other night at dinner?" I looked up at him in horror and couldn't even answer. He continued, "I'm not going to lie; she was riding me pretty hard about the fact that you seemed more interested in her. We had a little bet going about who would get your number first if you ever came back to the diner. But please don't think that is the reason I asked you to the party tonight. I actually wasn't thinking about that at all. I just thought you were a really cool girl and it was nice that I had your full attention tonight."
I still had no idea what to say. I was so overwhelmed. Was I really that obvious? Am I a terrible person for how I treated him tonight? Does he hate me now? Is Zoe gay?! The only words I could muster were "I really need to get home."
Jeff leaned into my car, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and whispered "I know you are hurting right now, but please know that you're perfect just the way you are. Be the person you were made to be." Why did he have to keep proving that he was the perfect guy? He barely knew me and was saying all the right things. He was the answer to all my wishes and prayers and just like that I let him slip away.
"Thanks," I forced myself to say, "Please don't tell Zoe..or anyone else..about what happened tonight." He looked at me with absolute sincerity in his eyes and said "Of course not."
I drove home in tears, taking a few extra turns here and there to try to compose myself. I didn't actually walk into my house until about 4am. I snuck in and left a note telling my parents I wanted to surprise them, but they were asleep when I arrived. Luckily they weren't woken up by me entering and I knew they probably went to bed around 10, not making it hard to believe that I could arrive after that.
I want to write more about how I'm feeling right now, but I'm so emotionally exhausted I can't write anything else. Thanks for trying. I know that was my gift and I know I blew it. Sorry for messing everything up. I could really use a sign of where I should go from here because I am completely lost.
Sorry for everything,
Holly
Chapter 7: 12/1/16
Dear Santa,
It's 2:00pm on Thursday and I just now woke up. My mom finally gave in and came to get me. She's really excited that I decided to come home and informed me that I made the right choice because classes had already been cancelled for the rest of the week. I told her that I had stayed up studying when I got home last night so I just needed an hour or so more sleep. I hate lying, but I'm not ready to face the world yet.
I just started scrolling through my unread text messages. There are so many and I just don't have the energy to reply. Most are from the "fantastic five" asking how it went with "diner boy." Jeff also sent me a few texts. He told me that he was sorry if he made a confusing time even more confusing, that my secret was safe with him, and that he was here if I ever needed someone to talk to. I sent him a quick "thank you and I'm sorry" text back because I felt guilty about everything that happened. What did he mean by "my secret is safe with him"? Does he mean my secret feelings or does he actually think I'm gay?
Last night made it clear that I can't be with a guy. As much as I can say that I will be happy just to settle, I can't do it. I felt love before and I honestly think it would be easier to be alone than to have to go through every day pretending that I'm feeling that. Not to mention that it would be completely unfair to the guy I would end up with. He would have to be very patient to put up with me and my lack of passion and a guy like that deserves to be loved fully.
Maybe I had one chance at true love and I wasted it. Maybe we can only experience that home-run-feeling type of love with one person in our lifetime and most people are just lucky enough to experience it with the person who loves them back just the same. Maybe I got caught up and wasted that love on someone who was never truly going to love me back. Why would I do that? Why couldn't I just save those feelings for someone like Jeff? I get that I don't really know him and maybe he could turn out to be a huge jerk, but so far he has shown himself to be one of a kind.
Why is this happening to me? I can't help but constantly wonder what I did to deserve this. All the dreams I have for the future are tumbling down around me.
But now it is time for me to do what I do best. I need to keep this pain hidden behind the smile I plaster on my face. I don't want to burden anyone else with this pain. I don't want it to get in the way of my studying. So I'm just going to try to bury it deep within me.
I know you already gave me one gift that I royally screwed up, but could I ask you for something else? Could you help me figure out where to go from here? I'm just looking for any sign, big or small, to show me what I'm supposed to do now. I want to keep believing that there is someone out there listening to me.
Thanks for being that someone,
Holly
Chapter 8: 12/2/16
Dear Santa,
I am writing this letter at 10:30 on Friday night. Things have gotten strange since I last wrote to you. A few "signs" have occurred but they weren't the signs I was expecting. When I asked for a sign, I was expecting to stumble across an article about the positives of being single or a quote about being happy when life gets hard. I thought that would give me some encouragement to keep pushing forward and keep smiling. But as soon as I walked out of my room on Thursday, a line from a made for tv Christmas movie playing on our family room tv caught my attention. I have no idea what the context was but the character stated, "The best gift is when we learn to accept who we truly are and live the life we were meant to live." It seemed like a very strange coincidence that I walked out to that part, but I still blew it off as just that - a coincidence.
The rest of Thursday was spent studying, other than a few breaks here and there. On one break, I decided to take a drive through town with my mom to see if anyone put up Christmas decorations yet. We passed one of the many churches in our town and I noticed the sign said, "No matter who you love, God loves you and so do we!" I questioned whether this was referring to LGBT individuals but then realized there was a tiny gay pride flag sitting in the lawn.
The last sign came before I fell asleep last night. I decided to take a look at one of my favorite blogs that is filled with inspiring stories of people overcoming adversity. There is always a "Post of the day" on the site and the one for yesterday just happened to be an article called "Gay is ok: 100 reasons to come out of the closet." I didn't read the article. It seemed like too much for me to handle right now, but it did strike me as strange to have that article come up considering everything I'm going through. I was in and out of sleep all night Thursday thinking about it. I spent all day today studying and didn't notice anymore signs. But I can't shake what happened yesterday. What does that all mean? How am I supposed to take it? My head and my heart are telling me two different things.
You might think I'm crazy talking about all these "signs." I know many people don't believe in signs and the truth is, I'm not sure how much I believe in them. I know I asked you for a sign and have been talking about them like I believe, but I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. These definitely seemed like signs to me. So maybe signs are real... or maybe it's not about signs at all - maybe it is about just finally seeing what has been there all along. But does that mean what I think it means? I need some sleep. All of this back and forth inside my head is making me tired.
Thanks for listening to my random thoughts!
Holly
Chapter 9: 12/3/16
Dear Santa,
I realize I should be studying, but I have so many conflicting ideas running through my head right now. Part of me hates
myself for being the person I am and not being strong enough to fight it. But there is another part of me that is wondering if maybe I have been wrong all these years. Maybe I let society and things I have heard throughout the years convince me that there is something wrong with me when there really isn't.
I know it sounds lame, but I searched the internet all day about being gay. Every time I read an article about homosexuality being ok, I started to feel like maybe I could accept myself for who I am; but then I would get to the next article about it being wrong or sinful and the self loathing would come right back. The same thing happened when I watched videos. I would watch a pro-gay video and feel inspired to start loving myself, but then I would watch an anti-gay video and feel guilty for ever considering accepting this part of me.
I have read so many conflicting opinions that I don't know what to believe! Some say it is an abomination to even have these feelings, others say it is only wrong if you act on them, and then some say that there is nothing wrong with having the feelings or acting on them! There are videos of ex-gay people talking about how they became straight and then other videos where people said they were even sent to conversion camps and couldn't change. There are people from every race, culture, and religion who are against being gay but there are also people from every race, culture, and religion who support the LGBT.