Dear Santa: I'm Gay

by E. Lee Hess

  When I left my room, my mom was in the kitchen drinking her morning coffee. She wasn't crying anymore, but had big bags under her eyes. I felt terrible for what I was doing to her. I gave her a stiff hug and sat down beside her. She didn't look me in the eye but she did talk to me. "I talked to your father and we are going to figure this out as a family. I don't want you to be hurt Holly and I will try to listen to you. But please also listen to me when I tell you not to give up on all guys just yet. There could still be the perfect one out there for you." I cringed at this, but didn't say anything. I was just happy that she was talking to me and wasn't crying. Then she smiled and asked if I wanted to help her get the rest of our Christmas decorations up.

  We spent the rest of the day listening to Christmas music and turning our house into a winter wonderland. At some points, we both seemed to forget what was going on and just enjoyed this time together. I think that is part of the magic of Christmas. No matter how bad things are, it's hard to be sad when you are surrounded by the Christmas spirit. Around 5:00, my brother called and told us him and my dad decided we should get together as a family. They decided that we should start the night with dinner at the diner to lighten the mood and then we would talk about what was going on. This all seemed promising and I was happy that my family seemed to want to work through this together. I just hoped "working through it" didn't actually mean my parents trying to change me.

  By 6:30, we were all piled into my parents van headed to the diner. We had a nice light conversation and it was almost hard to tell that there was anything out of the ordinary going on. When we arrived, I saw that both Zoe and Jeff were working again. I started to worry that there were bags under my eyes from crying so much recently and hoped I did a good enough job with my make up to cover it up. It didn't matter too much though because Jeff ended up being our waiter anyway. He texted me after taking our order and said, "Sorry. Zoe has too many tables already. You have to deal with me tonight. Hope this means that things are going better with your parents." I had sent Jeff a short text yesterday telling him that I had come out and it didn't go well, but I hadn't given him anymore details.

  Dinner seemed to be going very well, until we were just about to get the check. I was going into a food coma and started to daydream. In my head, I was wishing I had gotten the chance to talk to Zoe tonight and thinking about how pretty she looked. I didn't realize that I had been staring at her, until I caught my mom watching me. It looked like she realized what I was doing and she didn't look happy about it. She kept her composure though and gave me a slight smile when I looked back at her. But when Jeff walked back up to the table to drop off the check, my worries were confirmed. My mom started, "Hey Jeff you are a very nice, handsome boy. Did you know that my daughter Holly is single?" She smiled and gave him a wink, but she was the only one who looked happy at this moment. My sister in law looked shocked, my dad just stared down at the table, and my brother looked like he was going to flip out at any moment. Jeff turned bright red and I could tell he had no idea how he was supposed to respond to this. My brother threw enough cash at him to cover the bill and a very generous tip and said, "Thanks for the great service tonight. We need to leave." He scooted everyone out and quickly put on my niece and nephew's coats. The car ride home was completely silent. My niece and nephew had quickly fallen asleep and no one else dared to talk. It was the longest car ride of my life and about halfway home I started to quietly cry to myself. When we pulled in the driveway, my brother told my sister in law to take the kids home and asked me if I would go to my room for a bit. As soon as my door shut, I heard the screaming start. I couldn't catch everything, but what I did hear broke my heart. At one point I heard my mom say the words "not normal" and I also heard my dad screaming at her about how it was all her fault. It broke my heart to hear my family fighting like this. It hurt even more knowing that it was all my fault. Finally, I heard a few doors slam, then my brother forcefully opened mine. His face was bright red and I saw an anger in his eyes that I've never seen before. He grabbed my keys that were sitting by the door and shouted, "Get your stuff Holly! You're not staying here with those people." I felt a pang of sadness again hearing him refer to our mom and dad as "those people" and wondered if this was going to tear my family apart.

  He grabbed my bag that I had packed and sprinted out the door. Then he hopped in the driver's side and started my car. He put one hand on the steering wheel and took my hand with the other. At this point, he had cooled off a bit. "I'm sorry if you heard any of that," he said, "But I think it's best if you stay with us until mom and dad come around." I started to cry, "But what if they don't?" I asked. My brother reassured me that he didn't think that would happen, but if it did, I would always have him.

  When we got to his house, I asked him if he would mind if I went to visit some friends. He looked worried but told me that of course it was ok and just to be careful.

  I pulled up the the diner around 10:30. I knew it closed at 11 so I hesitated about what to do and decided to text Jeff and ask. Within a minute, he was standing at the door motioning for me to come in. I noticed that there were no other customers left in there at this point as Jeff directed me toward the bar. He sat on one side of me and motioned for Zoe to sit on the other side. I started telling them about everything that happened tonight, but couldn't finish because I was crying too hard. At this point, the cook for the night brought me a glass of water and then headed into the back to give us space. I took a sip then laid my head in my hands to avoid talking anymore. I felt a strong hand on my shoulder and knew it was Jeff showing his support. Then I felt someone rubbing my back and could tell by the gentle nature, and the chills that it sent up my spine, that it was Zoe. If this was any other time, I probably would have been excited that she was giving me so much attention, but I was too upset to care tonight.

  When I finally lifted my head, Jeff said, "Hey, what do you say the three of us take a walk and look at Christmas lights? You can talk about it if you want to and if not, we'll just enjoy the views." I agreed so the two of them finished closing up the diner and then we headed out. It was freezing outside, but it felt nice to feel the cool breeze on my face. I explained my worries about tearing apart my family, especially around the holidays, and they both assured me that wasn't going to happen. Jeff told me his parents were very accepting of his brother from the beginning, but everything that happened ended up bringing them all closer. Zoe shared about the struggle she had with her family. It turned out that she was outed by her so called best friend in 10th grade. Like most people, she always had the feeling that she was gay, but by 10th grade was finally ok with it. She decided to tell her best friend, who had a surprisingly terrible reaction. Her friend called her parents to inform them and when they asked her, she decided to be honest with them. She told me that her mom came around a few months later, but her dad didn't acknowledge her sexuality until her freshman year of college when she had them meet her first girlfriend. She explained that now they are the most supportive people in her life and she truly believed that it could happen with my parents too.

  After walking for about an hour, Jeff informed us that he has a final at 8am. "Shit!" I shouted, "Why aren't you back at your place studying or sleeping." He gave me a sheepish smile and said that the final shouldn't be too hard, but he probably should head back. We walked back to the diner with him and he gave me a big hug before getting in his car. He told Zoe to make sure I didn't leave until I seemed calm enough to drive safely. Then he motioned her down to his level where he was sitting in the car, whispered something in her ear, and Zoe just smiled and shook her head. Jeff winked at me, then drove away. At this point, it hit me that Zoe probably had finals to be studying for also, but when I questioned her she told me that she actually only had two this semester and they were on Monday and Tuesday. She asked if I wanted to wait in the diner with her while both of our cars warmed up and I agreed. I learned that she has a brother named Luke and sister named Emma who are twins and a year
younger than her. They both also go to Dawkins. Her sister is also majoring in elementary education and her brother is pre-med. After a half hour of talking, we decided that we should both head home. We exchanged numbers so I could let her know that I made it safely and then she gave me a quick hug goodbye.

  It's too bad that it was such an emotional day or else I would probably be excited that I now have Zoe's number. But after seeing me cry all night, I'm not sure how attractive she would find me anymore. I'm just happy to have another friend in the area to talk to. It's nice to have people who understand what I'm going through.

  Well, I'm all set up in my brother and sister in law's guest room so I'm going to try to get some sleep.

  Sorry for the long letter,

  Holly

  Chapter 21: 12/15/16

  Dear Santa,

  I woke up around 11 today hoping the last few days were just a bad dream, but quickly realized I was at my brother and sister in law's. I walked out of the guest room to find an empty house. My brother had written a note explaining that my nephew and niece were at preschool and daycare and him and my sister in law were working. He said to make myself at home and that my sister in law would be back with the kids around 2. My sister in law does real estate part time. She cut back once she had kids. Right now she only works on Tuesday and Thursday mornings when my nephew has school and sometimes on the weekends. My brother does advertising for a bunch of local businesses.

  But anyway, realizing I had a few hours to myself I turned on the television and pulled out my phone. I had some texts from Sophia (who I had briefly texted about my parents) and one from Jeff, but the text that caught my attention was from Zoe. She wrote, "I hope you are doing alright today. Let me know if you need to talk. I'm glad we were able to get to know each other last night, but wish it had been under better circumstances." Just reading that text caused butterflies, but I pushed the feelings aside because any chance I had was ruined last night. I sent her back a thank you text then decided to call Sophia. I explained to her everything that happened with my parents and she told me how sorry she was. I asked her not to mention it to our other friends because I didn't feel ready to talk about it yet. She promised and then told me to text or call her whenever I need anything.

  I ate some lunch then ended up falling asleep on the couch. I was woken up around 2:30 to my nephew jumping on me and shouting. I grabbed him and gave him a bunch of kisses then laughed as he scurried away. My sister in law looked concerned and asked how I was holding up. I told her that I was doing alright considering everything that had happened. We stopped the conversation there because we didn't want to talk about it in front of my niece and nephew. The rest of the afternoon was spent baking Christmas cookies and dancing around to Christmas music.

  Spending time with my niece and nephew helped to keep my mind off of my parents, but every once and awhile I would look at my phone and get sad all over again when I realized they hadn't called or texted. During dinner, I asked my brother if he thought I should reach out to my parents. He told me that was their responsibility and that he thought they just needed some time to work things out on their own. I agreed that this was a good plan, but felt really sad that I was missing out on time with my parents, especially around Christmas.

  As we were taking the last few bites of our dinner, my phone started to ring. All of us froze wondering if it was my parents calling. I looked at my phone and saw that it was actually Zoe calling. I felt a smile forming on my face and quickly ran to the guest room with my phone. I answered right before it was about to go to voicemail and Zoe asked me how I was doing. I explained my feelings about not hearing from my parents, but told her that my day was actually alright. She said she was glad to hear that and then a silence fell over the phone. It seemed to be forever until Zoe finally spoke again. "So umm... I was wondering something," she cutely fumbled over her words, "If you don't have plans tomorrow night, would you want to go ice skating with me? There is a really cute outdoor rink close to my house. I know we don't know each other very well, and there are probably other people you would rather be with, but I just thought maybe it would help keep your mind off of things." The butterflies started all over again as I told her that I would love to. She said that she would text me the address and we could meet there around 6:00 if that was ok. I agreed and felt like I was floating as I made my way back to the kitchen.

  I had forgotten that my brother and sister in law still didn't know who had called, until I walked into the kitchen and noticed them staring at me intently. "Oh sorry, that wasn't mom and dad," I informed them. My brother must have noticed the goofy smile on my face because he raised his eyebrow and questioned, "So who was that on the phone?" I told him it was Zoe from the diner and he lit up like a Christmas tree (I figure that's a good analogy for you). I let him know that there was no reason for him to be excited because she was just asking me as a friend, but I wasn't sure I truly believed that. Was she just being nice? It could be the case. She saw how sad I was last night and seems like a genuinely caring person. Maybe she really does just want to help cheer me up. Or maybe it is exactly what I'm hoping it is - a date.

  Now I have so much to think about. What should I wear? Should I work really hard on my hair and make up or keep it simple? How do I greet her? Is there a certain way I should act? I've gone on thousands of first dates with guys, but this really feels like the first time I'm going on a real first date... that is, if this is a date.

  I have so much to learn! I need to stop writing this letter and focus on tomorrow.

  Wish me luck!

  Holly

  Chapter 22: 12/16/16

  Dear Santa,

  I never knew that it was possible to feel so happy yet so sad at the same time, but that is how I feel right now. I'll start with the sad part so I can end this note positively.

  My parents still haven't spoken to me. I normally don't go a day without talking to my parents, even when I'm away at school. We always make it a point to at least text each other, but normally call. Now I am within 10 minutes of them and haven't heard one thing in over 48 hours. I even broke down and sent them an "I miss you...I'm sorry" text to which I got no reply. I'm sure my brother wouldn't be happy if he knew I sent that, but I couldn't stand not trying. I hate to think that I disappointed my parents. No matter how many good things happened today, there was still a pit in my stomach from what was happening with my parents. But I would rather not think about that right now. I want to focus on the amazing night I had.

  I arrived at the ice skating rink at 6:15 and was surprised to see that Zoe was already there. I saw her from afar so I had a chance to study her before she noticed me. She was wearing tight blue jeans and a green sweater that matched her eyes. She was wearing a white beanie, but I could see that she had put some loose curls in her hair. She had a sweet smile on her face, but was pulling on her sweater like she was nervous. Her actions were making me hopeful that this really might be a date. I worked up the courage and yelled her name to get her attention. She looked at me and that sweet smile grew. I could have melted right there. I found it both scary and exciting that one smile could cause me to feel more than I have in years. Zoe told me she bought us tickets for an hour on the ice and then we could decide if we wanted to keep skating or do something else.

  When we started skating, it quickly became apparent that Zoe was a lot more experienced than me. She gracefully glided along the ice while I looked like a toddler just learning to walk. We both laughed as I struggled to stay on my feet. About 3 laps in, I felt like I was finally getting the hang of it. I must have gotten too confident because suddenly I felt my feet going out from under me. I started to brace myself for a hard fall on the ice when I felt two arms catch me. I glanced up and was looking right into Zoe's eyes. It had been a really long time since I had a moment where I felt compelled to kiss someone, but this was definitely one of those moments. As she smiled down at me, I couldn't help but think about how beautiful she looked
. I felt like this was a moment that would be ingrained in my memory forever. But it was not going to be the moment I got my first kiss with Zoe. I quickly composed myself and stood up, suddenly embarrassed by what had just happened. Zoe just kept smiling. "You ok?" She laughed. I told her that I was fine, aside from my pride, and we continued skating.

  When the hour was up, I was more than ready to stop skating. My legs felt like I had been climbing mountains for a whole day. I made a mental note that maybe I should get in better shape. I think Zoe could tell that I had enough because she suggested that we stop.

  The place we were skating was some type of "Christmas village" so Zoe asked if I wanted to do the walk through Christmas light display next. I agreed before realizing that it was a 3 mile walk that was going to cause my already burning legs to burn even more. I am glad I agreed though because it was amazing. The lights were beautiful, but that's not what made it so great. Zoe and I spent the whole walk learning more about each other. We talked about our interests and our friends and family. I found out that her mom is a teacher and her dad is a family doctor. That's what inspired her and her siblings to choose the careers they did. I started to tell her about my family, but it was too hard to talk about my parents. She reassured me that they would come around and I prayed that she was right.

  About a mile into the walk, I noticed that Zoe started fidgeting with her hands and she seemed to be looking at mine. I wondered if she was thinking about holding my hand and for a second I questioned how I felt about it. I had never held hands in public with a girl. Would people stare? Would it make anyone uncomfortable? I quickly decided that I didn't care. The thought of being closer to Zoe in any way made my heart beat faster. I let my hand fall to my side and had it gently graze against Zoe's. She must have caught on to what I was doing because she slowly intertwined her fingers with mine then gave me a shy smile. I know it sounds cheesy, but in this moment I finally understood what the fairytales and movies were talking about. It felt good to be so excited about a potential relationship. It also felt good to just hold hands in public. There is something that is so freeing about being comfortable enough with yourself to show this form of affection when others are around. It is such a simple gesture that many people take for granted, but to me it means so much.