Dear Santa: I'm Gay
Page 7
Dinner wasn't going to be ready for another half hour so Zoe took me on a tour of her house. It was a big house, but very modest. It was nice without being perfect, which made it feel more like home. Zoe's room was bright pink, but most of the walls were covered with pictures of friends and family. "I know, I know," She explained, "This is the color I begged for when I was little and when I got older my parents said I would have to paint it myself if I wanted something different. I never felt like it was worth my time so I left it like this." I smiled and told her that I thought it was perfect. Honestly, at this point, I would probably think that anything involving Zoe was perfect.
After the tour, we sat down to watch tv with her siblings until dinner was ready. Her mom had prepared a meal that looked like Christmas dinner complete with turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob. "Don't let her fool you," her brother joked, "She only cooked like this because we have a guest. We will probably end up eating at Zoe's diner on Christmas Eve and ordering Chinese food on Christmas." We all laughed and I told her how much I appreciated the meal. The dinner discussion was very lighthearted and I quickly stopped feeling so nervous.
After dinner, I offered to help clear the table and do the dishes and her mom accepted. She sent her children (even Zoe) and their dad out of the room. When they had all left, she turned to me and said, "Oh honey, you don't really need to help. I just wanted a chance to talk to you." She told me that Zoe had informed her about what was going on with my parents and she wanted to see how I was doing. I tried to hold back my tears as I told her how hard it has been, especially so close to the holidays. "Take it from me," she comforted, "I know how your parents are feeling right now. But after talking to Zoe a lot these past few years, I now realize how you are feeling too. It isn't an easy situation for anyone. Your parents are shocked. They can only see things from their perspective right now and that's ok. It just takes time for them to start looking at it from your side too. I'm not saying it is right or wrong, but that's the way it seems to be with a lot of parents. We didn't grow up in the same time as you kids. You guys accept everyone. We were raised to see certain people as less than us just because they are different. We were made to believe that bad parents have gay children. Now I realize that isn't true. You are who you are and that is a beautiful thing. I really think your parents will realize that too. I am praying that they do. You just keep the faith, ok?" I couldn't stop a few tears from running down my face and her mom embraced me again. At this point, Zoe walked in, gave her mom an appreciative smile, and asked if I wanted to stay to watch a Christmas movie with them. I agreed and we all sat down in their living room. I sat at the end of the couch beside Zoe and her sister. At one point, Zoe scooted in close to me, wrapped her arm with mine, and put her head on my shoulder. I was worried how this would go over with her family, but everyone just continued watching the movie. I could barely pay attention to the movie because I was so enthralled with what was happening around me. Here I was, sitting with the girl I was falling for who is clearly falling for me too, watching a movie with her All-American traditional family, and it was exactly how it would be if we were a straight couple. No one reacted or gave us strange looks. This was the norm in this house and it made me feel more at home than I have felt in a really long time. As I sat there, I prayed that this is how my family would be some day.
After the movie, Zoe walked me out to my car and gave me a long hug. I told her how much the night meant to me and squeezed her hand before hopping in my car. As I drove home, I continued to pray that what Zoe's mom said was true and that my parents would come around.
Now, as I lay in bed, I'm going to say one more prayer. But instead of praying for things to change, I'm going to thank God for showing me that they will.
Here's to keeping the faith!
Holly
Chapter 28: 12/22/16
Dear Santa,
I guess it's true what they say. Miracles can happen if you have a little faith. I woke up at 9 today with a text from my mom asking if I would be willing to come home and talk to them. I could feel my heart beating in my chest as I drove to their house. I had no idea what to expect and was worried and hopeful all at the same time. When I walked in, both my mom and dad greeted me at the door. They took me in their arms and told me how sorry they were. Then they asked me to have a seat at the kitchen table.
"Please know how much we have missed you over this past week," my mom began, "And we are not mad at you. We had a lot to think through and didn't want to say anything we would regret. I feel terrible about how I acted at the diner and about some of the things I said to your brother. I don't blame him for taking you to his house. We don't understand this whole gay thing. I am not sure if we ever will. I'm not saying that we won't, but right now it is still a very confusing issue for us. But you are our daughter. We will always love you and we accept you. We may not agree with everything you do, but that will never change our love for you. We will always be your biggest fans and your best support. Whether we agree with you or not, we will not ever let anyone else hurt you. We are scared of what might be in your future, but we promise to fight for you rather than with you. Again, this doesn't mean that we are totally on board with you being gay, but we are willing to do whatever it takes to maintain our relationship with you, even if that means accepting something we don't understand."
For the first time in a week I began crying tears of joy. I didn't need my parents to understand every part of my life. All I want is to know that I am loved and that I have a place to call home. I'm still hopeful that with time they will come around even more and maybe someday they will even be like Zoe's parents. But for now, I am grateful for what I have. It's funny how quickly I let go of the hurt they had caused me this past week and embraced this change. I realized it wasn't worth holding onto those painful feelings and that I needed to focus on the positivity of this current day.
I told my parents that I would like to talk through this with them more in the future, but I felt like we all had an emotional week and deserved to just focus on the happiness of the holiday. My dad seemed to breathe a sigh of relief when I said this and they both quickly agreed.
The rest of the day went about as well as you could expect given everything that had happened recently. I went Christmas shopping with my mom then had dinner with both her and my dad. I decided to go back to my brother's house for the night. I told them that it was because I had all of my stuff there, but I think we all knew that there was still a little bit of uncomfortable tension. I thought that we could all use some breathing room after our talk today.
I'm very happy about how today went and I hope that I don't wake up tomorrow to find this was a dream.
Sincerely,
Holly
Chapter 29: 12/23/16
Dear Santa,
I am happy to report that yesterday was not a dream. I woke up this morning to my niece and nephew jumping on me to tell me that grandma and grandpa were at the house. It turns out they offered to watch the kids so my brother and sister in law could do last minute shopping. Of course, it wasn't necessary for them to watch the kids while I was there with them, but I know it is their way of trying to make things right with both my brother and I. I walked out to my dad making bacon and eggs and decided I was ok with them sucking up if I got food out of it. My dad handed me a plate and we all made small talk while we ate.
The next few hours were spent playing games with my nieces and nephews. The interaction was more comfortable than yesterday, but there was still some awkwardness. When my brother and sister in law came home later in the day, I told my family that I was going to go out to finish up Christmas shopping for all of them. The truth was that I wanted to call Zoe before she went to work and wasn't comfortable doing that around my parents. Zoe picked up on the first ring and immediately told me how happy she was to hear from me. We had just talked last night after I left my parent's house, but it felt good to have someone so interested in me. I updated her on how things were goi
ng with my parents and she told me how happy she was for me. By the tone of her voice, I could tell that she sincerely meant it. Talking to her made me miss her. My feelings were shocking to me. A week ago I barely knew anything about this girl and now it was hard to go a day without seeing her.
"So would you think that I was crazy if I told you that I kind of miss you already?" I questioned. I could tell she was smiling as she said, "I was just thinking the exact same thing." That's when an idea popped in my head. "Hey, any chance you could get to work like a half hour early? I know that's only about 45 minutes from now, but I thought maybe we could just take a walk before you need to start." She quickly agreed and I turned my car in the direction of the diner. I waited in my car for her to arrive and was excited to see her car finally pull in the parking lot. I walked over to her car and opened the door for her. She immediately pulled me in for a hug and then took my hand.
We walked the same path we had taken when I had gone to the diner after the fight with my parents. It's crazy to think how different I felt this time around. I had a hard time focusing on our conversation as we walked because all I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss her. When we were almost back at the diner, I decided that I was just going to do it. I looked at her, studied her face and lips, and then blurted out, "I can't thank you enough for all you've done for me." I noticed that she had been staring at my lips too and looked a little disappointed at my cop out. She masked her disappointment quickly though and told me that there is no need to thank her and that she should be thanking me for allowing her to get to know me.
I walked the rest of the way to the parking lot silently scolding myself for not kissing her. I'm 22 years old. It's not like I've never kissed someone. Like I said before, I had no problem kissing guys. I just felt like so much had let up to the point I was at now and I didn't want to mess it up. This would be the first time I kiss someone that I truly care about and don't hate myself for doing it. I wanted it to be perfect. I think Zoe could tell that I was beating myself up because when we got back to my car she pulled me in tight and whispered, "This little bit of time together was perfect. Thank you."
When I got back to my brother's house, I realized my parent's car was still there and tried to hide the big grin on my face before walking in. I didn't need them questioning what made me so happy about Christmas shopping. When I walked in my dad informed me that they had ordered pizza and thought we could do a family game night. It had been a long time since we did that and I was excited to do an old tradition with my family. Things were starting to feel normal again.
After a night full of games and pizza, my parents asked if I wanted to come back home and I agreed. It feels good to be laying in my own bed right now - for many reasons. I think this could end up being a great Christmas after all. I'll let you go. You have a busy day tomorrow!
Thanks for always listening,
Holly
Chapter 30: 12/24/16
Dear Santa,
This was by far the greatest Christmas Eve ever. It's crazy to think that after everything that has happened, this holiday could end so well.
I woke up this morning to a text from Zoe that said, "Good morning and Merry Christmas Eve beautiful girl" and to the smell of my mom baking Christmas cookies. When I walked into the kitchen, my mom immediately threw me an apron and told me to join her. For the next two hours, we made Christmas cookies while watching a cheesy Christmas movie. We laughed together at the big mess we were making and things started to feel normal again. Around this time, my dad came home with lunch from our favorite little sandwich shop. I asked my parents what the plan was for the day and they said it would be our traditional Christmas Eve - head to my brother's house in a few hours, go to the diner for dinner, and then head back to my brother's house to do Christmas activities with the kids. I was really excited to hear that the diner was still part of our plans and immediately texted Zoe to let her know. She was very excited as well.
After lunch, we all got ready and then headed over to my brother's house. At this time, I exchanged gifts with my brother, sister in law, niece, and nephew. I got more and more anxious as it came closer to the time to go to the diner. At one point my mom mentioned, "I wonder if our usual waiter or waitress will be there tonight with it being Christmas Eve." Without thinking, I blurted out, "Jeff won't be. He is back home for Christmas now. Zoe is working though." My mom gave me a questioning look as soon as I answered and I worried that I may have just made things awkward again. I lied and said that I had spent a lot of time at the diner this past week when my brother's family wasn't home and had become friends with Jeff and Zoe in that time. My mom raised an eyebrow at me, but then just smiled and said, "That's nice honey." I wasn't sure if she believed my story or just chose to leave it alone, but either way I was thankful. This isn't a conversation I wanted to have on Christmas Eve.
Before I knew it, it was time to go to the diner. We decided to take two cars since my parents had to make a stop on the way and didn't want the kids to get restless. I decided to ride with my parents because I knew it would make them happy. Plus, I had truly missed them this week and was looking forward to any extra time I had with them. The ride to the diner was so carefree and full of joking, laughing, and singing. No one would have guessed that we just went a week without speaking.
As soon as we pulled into the diner, I noticed Zoe inside. Just watching her made me feel warm inside and I was sad that I wouldn't actually have any time alone with her. My only hope now was that she would at least be our waitress. We walked in and saw my brother's family sitting at our usual booth. I was happy when Zoe walked up to the table to take our drink orders. She gave me an extra big smile as I ordered that made me melt inside.
Dinner went well. My dad asked Zoe all about her family's Christmas traditions and I smiled picturing her family doing all the things she spoke of. If my parents took notice to the extra attention Zoe and I were giving each other, they didn't show it. I thought about how this seemed to be the most my family laughed together in a really long time. Near the end of dinner, my dad asked Zoe if she could take a picture of my family. As soon as I saw it, I knew I would frame it and always keep it with me. We all looked so genuinely happy. This picture would always be proof that my family could get through anything.
When the check came, my brother turned to my parents and said, "Why don't you two take the kids home in my car and I'll take care of the check? That way you can have them in their pajamas by the time we get back." My parents agreed and asked if I was coming with them. That's when my brother cut in. "Actually," he said, "I thought since you two got Holls on the way here that she could ride home with us." I whispered a thank you to my brother as my parents left the diner with my niece and nephew. When Zoe came to pick up our check, my brother stood up, shook her hand, and said, "I'm Holly's brother Mark and this is my wife Jen. It's nice to officially meet you. I have heard SO much about you." He gave her a wink as he put an emphasis on the word so and I realized that it was my turn to be embarrassed by a sibling. Zoe smiled and said that she had heard a lot about them as well. That's when I noticed an idea had popped into my brother's head. He always got this really goofy smile when he believed he had come up with a great idea. I knew I was right when he turned to Zoe and asked, "Zoe, did you happen to take your break yet or do you think you would be able to take it soon?" Zoe laughed and looked around at the almost empty diner and said, "I think this is the perfect time for my 15 minute break. Thank you for the suggestion." My brother gave me a look and then said, "You know what? I think I want to surprise mom and dad by putting gas in their car. Why don't you stay here Holls and we'll be back. If I had to guess, I would say it will probably take us about 15 minutes or so." I shook my head at my brother. He was unbelievable, but at this moment I was so thankful for his antics.
After my brother and sister in law left and Zoe clocked out, she asked if I wanted to do our usual walk. I agreed and she immediately took my hand. I was happy
to even get 15 minutes alone with her. After about 10 minutes, she led me to the spot where I had almost kissed her last night. She turned to me and said, "Both times we walked here, right around this point, I started to think about how much I would like to kiss you." I felt my whole body getting warm as she continued, "Even that first night that I really talked to you it happened and last night it took everything in me to not do it. But I wanted to make sure this moment was right. This is a really big time for you, but it's also big for me. I've never felt like this before Holly." With those words, she put her arms around my waste and pulled me closer to finally kiss me. It was the type of kiss that they write songs about and I didn't want it to stop. Zoe finally pulled back, smiled at me, and said, "Merry Christmas Holly. I hope it is everything you could possibly wish for." As I looked back in her eyes, I realized that all the Christmas wishes I hadn't made, but really wanted deep within my heart, had come true. I gave her one more quick kiss before we walked back to the diner. My brother was pulling in right as we got to the front door of the diner. Zoe gave me a hug and told me that she would text me later.
I felt like I had floated into the car and my brother must have seen it on my face because he laughed and said, "I hope you don't think you're getting anymore Christmas presents from me. I don't think I could top that one." I shook my head, laughed, and thanked him. When we arrived back at their house, my niece and nephews were in their pajamas and working on their letters to Santa (I guess I should say to you). We helped them put out cookies and milk and then all went to my nephew's room so we could listen to my dad read "The Night Before Christmas" as the kids fell asleep.