Out and Proud

by Lisa Young

  She felt that Lottie didn’t always understand the impact of her decisions on the rest of the family. Once she got embroiled in a scheme, she became hell-bent on following her grand plan through to its conclusion. Alice felt irritated as she wondered whether the tutor was up to scratch. Lottie had been reluctant to give any details about her background, and this made Alice suspicious that Lottie may stubbornly be going forward with someone who she wasn’t utterly convinced could do the job. She felt strongly that if Lottie was going to get Archie on board, she could at least make sure that Archie would like the tutor. Cautiously easing around the blind corners towards her surgery, she decided that the least she could do was support Archie. If she could get through the deluge of small creatures today, she determined she would be home to meet this tutor and help Archie out in negotiating terms with his mum.

  LOTTIE LEFT WORK one hour early determined not to have another awkward doorstep encounter. Earlier in the day she had confided her crush to Virginia, who had dismissed her concerns as normal relationship jitters. Feeling reassured she decided she would assume a more professional approach with today’s introduction to Archie, and that later she would discuss it properly with Alice—aware she had frozen out her interest the previous evening as she had wrestled with her guilt. Once home, while waiting for the kettle to boil, she quickly gathered an afterschool snack together for Archie—the more he chewed the less opposition he would be able to express. Satisfied that she had covered all bases, she was nevertheless relieved when Archie made a noisy entry, meaning she wouldn’t have to spend any time alone with Maddie. Settled on the sofa, Lottie made some last-minute adjustments to the bookcase moving the novel which had provoked the unexpected disclosure firmly to the lower shelf and out of sight.

  Shortly afterward, Maddie arrived. Lottie was relieved to note that her seductive powers seemed to have abated somewhat,

  although she still wore the same rather lovely perfume. Maddie’s attention seemed to be directed appropriately towards Archie who, despite himself, appeared to be enjoying being the centre of her undivided attention. Making no move following the inhalation of his snack, Maddie had capitalised on his attention and was introducing him to her dyslexia-friendly curriculum. Satisfied that things were progressing in the right direction, Lottie made herself absent, sitting in the kitchen and flicking through the holiday brochures that Alice had left for her.

  An hour later, Archie rushed past her and headed for his bedroom. He mumbled quietly. “She’s all right, Mum.”

  A begrudging admission that filled Lottie with some hope that she had won the battle to get Archie on board with her plan.

  Returning to her brochures the now familiar musky smell alerted her to the presence of Maddie, who was stooping above her, peering with curiosity to see what Lottie was reading. With her unexpected presence, a familiar stirring of desire unnerved Lottie, who hastily shuffled along to the far chair which Maddie took as an unspoken invitation to sit, leaving Lottie trapped in the corner.

  “Going on holiday?” she asked, idly thumbing the corner of the page Lottie had marked for Paris.

  Distracted by her closeness, Lottie only managed to nod, her nostrils filled with the perfume and she felt a heady combination of excitement and fear. Her earlier resolve to be business-like was quickly dissipating and she felt a renewed physical attraction to Maddie, who was chewing her bottom lip absent-mindedly.

  Suddenly, she turned her full attention towards Lottie. As their eyes met Lottie felt a jolt of excitement and her body seemed to take on a mind of its own. A smile toyed around Maddie’s lips, her finger casually caressed the edge of Lottie’s hand. Unsure of whether this was accidental, but shocked nonetheless by her forwardness, Lottie awkwardly extracted her hand and sat firmly on it causing Maddie to break out into a grin.

  “Coy little thing, aren’t you?” she muttered, her voice having lowered to a husky tone.

  Lottie couldn’t speak. Undeniably attracted to Maddie, she felt ashamed. This was a total betrayal of Alice and she knew it. Flirting with someone in their own home was tantamount to an affair. She suddenly felt claustrophobic in the small space. She was hemmed in, and this woman was definitely coming on to her.

  Relief flooded through her at the sound of the front door slamming shut, and a blast of cold air from outside gratefully grazed her warm cheeks.

  “That must be Robbie already!” she said, relieved to be able to issue a reminder to the interloper that she was a respectable mother, and she jumped to her feet anticipating the introduction.

  Maddie chose to ignore Lottie’s attempt to break away from their moment and Lottie feebly sat down in her chair again, having no other choice as she was trapped in the corner.

  “Hey!” a voice called from the living room, not Robbie, but Alice. Lottie still felt relieved not to be alone with Maddie.

  Alice entered the kitchen, for a moment distracted by the depositing of her bags into the under-stairs cupboard. Lottie realised too late that she and Maddie were sitting far too close together to be viewed as anything but unusual to Alice. Anxious to avoid any awkwardness she cleared her throat noisily, as Alice looked up.

  Lottie rushed to make the polite introductions, now fully pinned against the kitchen wall, in an effort to create the illusion of distance between her and Maddie.

  Falsely bright, she chirped. “Alice, so glad you’re back early.

  This is—”

  Before she could finish her sentence, Alice, whose face was visibly shocked, finished the sentence for her.

  “—Maddie!”

  Maddie nodded her head in a slight gesture of acknowledgement as one of her perfectly manicured eyebrows lifted in a question. Confused, Lottie looked towards Alice for an explanation, but her eyes were trained on Maddie, who was looking at Alice with equal intensity.

  Puzzled by their silent exchange, Lottie rushed to mask what seemed to be an awkward silence. “Maddie was just showing Archie some of the work she planned for them to do together, weren’t you, Maddie?” Looking to Maddie for some acknowledgement, she noticed the same look of amusement etched into the tutor’s features that she had noticed the previous day.

  A flash of anger, or was it jealousy, registered clearly on Alice’s face and Lottie felt a rush of self-consciousness. Before Lottie could ask her partner the obvious question, Alice had rushed past them both, failing to make any pleasantries and headed for the stairs.

  Confused, and rushing to keep up, Lottie caught up with her in the upstairs corridor. “Babe?” she asked, reaching out to catch Alice’s hand.

  Roughly, Alice pushed her away. “What the fuck have you done, Lottie?” she muttered furiously, before hiding herself away in the bathroom, leaving Lottie alone and thoroughly confused.

  Lottie was filled with panic. Fuck!

  She hadn’t meant to allow herself to flirt with Maddie, it was a moment of ridiculous chemistry, and now Alice was furious with her. But how the hell did they know one another? Something unspoken had passed between them, and Lottie was utterly bewildered about what the connection could be.

  Deciding to tackle Alice about her odd behaviour later, she rushed downstairs determined to cover Alice’s social faux pas and keep the tutor on site. When she reached the living room the silence informed her that Maddie had left. Clearly aware of the tense atmosphere, she had understandably decided to make herself scarce.

  Although embarrassed at her own behaviour, Lottie was furious with Alice for jeopardising the delicate relationship between Archie and his new tutor. Lottie distracted herself by busily clearing away the paperwork strewn on the carpet.

  AN HOUR LATER, Lottie sat alone at the kitchen table. Above, she could hear Alice running a bath. Her embarrassment had given way to overwhelming confusion. Alice had clearly known Maddie, and it was obvious that Alice had not been pleased to see her again. But why was Alice so angry? Never before in their relationship had she seen Alice this angry, and now she was hiding aw
ay upstairs and refusing to speak to her!

  Lottie felt an ache in the back of her throat, and tears pricked her eyes. Alice was behaving like a complete idiot! Anger flooded her again, and she skirted round Odie who was annoyingly clinging around her legs, to take the stairs two at a time, insistently rapping on the bathroom door. “Alice? Alice! Answer me!”

  From inside the bathroom Lottie heard the slosh of water, and Alice appeared at the bathroom door looking small and frail.

  Silently, they walked to the bedroom and Alice shut the door behind them. Lottie perched on the edge of the bed and waited expectantly for an explanation. Alice seated herself some distance away on the wicker chair and glowered at Lottie.

  After a moment of painful silence, Lottie was overwhelmed with a desire to understand what was happening. “What’s going on?” she questioned.

  Alice continued to glower. “What the fuck have you done, Lottie?” she repeated loudly.

  “I don’t understand, Alice. What do you mean, ‘What have I done’?”

  Alice sighed angrily. “Don’t pretend you don’t know who that woman is. How could you let her into our home, and into our lives?”

  Lottie remained silent, but inside, her mind was racing. She didn’t know Maddie! She had found her on an internet site for private tutors. She hadn’t recognised the name. What exactly was it she was supposed to know?

  Leaning forward to remove the distance between them, Lottie tentatively placed her hand on Alice’s knee, noting that she was shaking. Alice brushed her hand away, and pulled her towel closely around herself, shielding her body from Lottie’s presence. Lottie felt emotion well up inside her, she felt rejected and suddenly very alone. Her relationship seemed to be in a bad place and she sensed that Alice was furious at her, but she didn’t know

  why.

  “You were flirting, Lottie, I saw you, she may as well have been sat on your lap!” Alice’s eyes clouded with tears but she was too angry to give way to them.

  Lottie felt contrite.

  Sobbing, she withdrew her hand and Alice leaned forward, lowering her voice to a venomous whisper. “It took me years to get her out of my head, Lottie, and then suddenly I come home and she’s sat on your fucking lap? Was that some twisted joke?” Looking at Lottie for an explanation she withdrew back into the shroud of her towel.

  Lottie couldn’t speak, tears spilled down her cheeks and her chest throbbed with the effort of containing the hurt which seemed to want to burst from her chest. Breathing to try and stem the flow of tears she managed to speak. “Is she an ex?”

  This seemed to enrage Alice further. “You know perfectly well she’s a fucking ex, Lottie, she’s the ex!”

  Lottie struggled to search her memory of an early relationship discussion she and Alice had about their past loves. She did vaguely recall Alice talking about a particularly serious live-in relationship which had ended badly after Alice had discovered that her partner had cheated on her. From what she recalled of that discussion, Alice had been very reluctant to go into details, placing the story firmly in the past. All she remembered was that Alice had told her how she had learned from that relationship everything that she would never put up with in a new relationship.

  Lottie felt devastating shame. She had been lusting after the very person who had hurt Alice so much, and now she had disrespected Alice by bringing Maddie right back into her present.

  “For God’s sake, Alice, I didn’t even know her name! I didn’t know that was her. How could I?”

  Alice seemed unforgiving, although Lottie noticed there was hesitation in her voice. “I didn’t want you to know her name because I don’t want her name in my head, Lottie! Fuck! That woman nearly destroyed me. Have you got any idea what it was like to see her sitting in our home, her eyes crawling across you?”

  Lottie rose to her feet with all the dignity she could muster. It was her turn to be angry now and she leaned towards Alice, “You lunatic! How could I know? How could I, when I didn’t even know her bloody name! The way you’re acting, it’s beginning to make me think that your past isn’t as past as you seem to have convinced yourself it is! You still fucking love her, Alice, and how do you think that makes me feel?”

  Rushing for the door, Lottie felt dizzy and sick with horror. Her girlfriend was still in love with another woman. Someone that she had had a passing infatuation with had turned out to be the love of Alice’s life!

  “I feel like I don’t know you at all. I feel like I’ve never known you!” she spat. Racing for the bathroom, she was barely able to lift the toilet seat before being violently sick, tears still falling silently as she retched continually into the bowl.

  Sometime later, Lottie left the safety and darkness of the bathroom. Clutching a tissue, she felt so bereft, and it had taken more than an hour to stifle her sobbing.

  Alice had left her alone, she hadn’t come to comfort her or offer any explanation about the clear misunderstanding that had taken place.

  In the kitchen, Lottie gravitated without thought towards the kettle. Clicking it on to boil, she noticed a hastily-written note on the back of a used envelope.

  With trembling hands and a sickening sense of dread she picked it up.

  I need some time to think. Gone to my flat.

  No signature, and no kiss.

  Renewed distress flooded her body and her stomach churned with this new information—Alice was gone!

  Never had they spent a night apart since the early days of their relationship. Racing up the stairs and into their bedroom, she discovered Alice’s drawers were open and clothes strewn across the bed as she had rushed to pack her bag and make a hasty escape.

  Lottie groaned and desperately clutched at items of Alice’s clothing, frantically trying to bring her back by inhaling her scent.

  “Oh no, Alice, no, no, no! Don’t please, I don’t understand...” she shouted into the empty room, before the fight suddenly left her and she lay, spent, on the bed—her mind struggling to cope with the inevitable fact.

  Alice was gone.

  Stubbornness and Pride

  LOTTIE STRETCHED OUT her arm from inside the quilt and felt the familiar shape of her mobile phone. Pulling it back into the dark depths of the duvet she checked her messages for the hundredth time, despondently noting that there was nothing.

  On a whim, she hit new message and typed, but overcome by pride, she hit delete. Why should she be the first one to make contact? Alice was being completely illogical. There was no way she could have known that Maddie was her ex.

  Hitting the play button on her music player, she selected her 1980s collection of music and the dulcet tones of The Bangles filled the room, as a self-pitying sniffle escaped her. Cautiously she looked into the mirror, and her worst fears were confirmed as her mournful face, swollen with puffy dark circled eyes looked pitifully back at her.

  Clearing her throat, she checked the volume button on her phone before throwing it crossly across the unmade bed. Anger surged through her as she wondered why Alice was being so irrational. Getting out of bed, she threw on an old pair of jogging bottoms and a stained vest top and gingerly made her way downstairs, hoping as she went, that she would find Alice returned and asleep on the sofa.

  The darkness of early morning confirmed that Alice was still absent and so she rallied herself with the business of making breakfast for the boys, exhaustion and anger sweeping through her body in equal measure. She tried to imagine how Alice would have felt seeing the woman who had broken her heart pinning her girlfriend into the corner of their kitchen. She inwardly sighed, as she slopped milk into the bowls overflowing with cereal, and a scattering of cornflakes spattered across the floor.

  Tutting with annoyance, she opened her mouth to shout to the dog before realising that Alice had taken him with her. Consoling herself with a dry croissant, she impatiently shouted up the stairs to the boys until they responded and the chaos of bickering teenagers provided a momentary distract
ion from her misery.

  Robbie paused mid-bicker and looked at Lottie quizzically. “Everything okay, Mum?”

  Lottie bit back the rising lump in her throat, and smiling a little too brightly, she nodded—not trusting herself to speak.

  Archie ever attuned to her feelings, turned to look at her with curiosity.

  Realising she would have to provide some form of explanation for her dishevelled state, she swallowed hard.

  “Alice and I have had a bit of a falling-out. Nothing serious, so don’t worry. Just grown up stuff.”

  Lottie tried to ignore the dismay that she saw in Archie’s delicate features. “You’ll be off to your dad’s tonight. Training day tomorrow, remember? So, we’ll both see you when you’re back after the weekend, okay…?” she trailed lamely.

  Both boys nodded solemnly, and without being asked, grabbed their bags and headed for the car.

  After dropping the boys at school, she found herself turning the car towards home. When she had left earlier, she had fully intended to go to work and lose herself in the mundane world of classified advertising, but she soon realised she couldn’t face it.

  Parking outside the cottage she sat for a moment, still clutching her phone, sure that Alice would make contact. Staring at the front door she felt physically sick at the thought of going inside to the empty rooms.

  “Pull yourself together. You’ve been alone before and you can damn well do it again!” she chastised herself aloud and grabbing her bag she made her way inside. Suddenly her phone chimed indicating an incoming text message, her heart soared with hope as she leapfrogged the kitchen chair, dashing to the living room to swipe up her discarded phone from the sofa. Unlocking the screen hope instantly faded as she saw a text from Linda Lovely: