Out and Proud

by Lisa Young

  Babe, where are you?

  Sighing, she tapped out a quick reply feigning illness and asking Linda to pass on the message to Ann. Slinging the phone back onto the sofa, she slowly climbed the stairs, seeking the sanctuary of the darkened bedroom and the oblivion of sleep.

  ALICE PULLED HER Range Rover to a stop outside the cottage. Pausing with her key in the ignition, she noticed Lottie’s car in their small parking space. Odie, oblivious to the unfolding drama clambered anxiously onto her knee eager to be lifted down and back into the warmth of the cottage. Alice swatted at him, forcing him back into the passenger seat.

  Torn, she realised that Lottie was so upset she’d not been able to go to work, but she was still angry at the memory of her sitting in such close quarters to the toxic Maddie. Also angry with herself now, as she recalled the stab of pure jealousy she’d felt as she saw the flush of excitement on Lottie’s face. She had seen that Lottie had been attracted to her ex and it invoked in her a fury she hadn’t known she’d possessed. Spending the night in her heatless old flat, she had thought about how she felt after seeing Maddie after all those years and was relieved to note that the only feelings she could identify had been disgust and anger.

  Alice felt distraught at the thought that Lottie believed she still had feelings for Maddie, but she had felt so furious when Lottie had been so blatantly flirting that she hadn’t wanted to reassure her, and she hated herself now for wishing Lottie to feel hurt and insecure. Tapping the steering wheel anxiously, she was frozen. She wanted to get out and go and speak to Lottie, but she didn’t know how to explain how she’d felt, and she was sure that although Lottie would listen, she may well have caused irreversible damage to their previously strong union.

  Through the long sleepless night, she had revisited their previous discussions about exes and other less serious relationships. She had to admit she’d downplayed the story of Maddie, not wanting Lottie to know how desperately badly she’d allowed herself to be treated by someone. Lottie saw her as strong and wise and she certainly knew that she hadn’t been when she had wasted so many years with Maddie who had constantly cheated on her. Much to her shame she had turned a blind eye to Maddie’s selfish behaviour, so desperate was she to not be alone. Stubbornly, she had hung onto the relationship, determined to make it work. She had ignored the steady erosion of her selfesteem, as evidence of betrayal after betrayal surfaced in the form of Maddie’s sudden absences from their home, and clandestine appointments with her mobile phone behind the locked bathroom door.

  However, she had never felt more alone than she did at this moment and the physical pain she was experiencing was a stark reminder that this was what it felt like to truly miss someone you love.

  When Maddie had finally left her for the male physical education teacher, Alice had realised that the primary feeling she had was one of relief. Relief that she did not have to summon up the courage to end something that was so clearly wrong. From that moment she had made herself a promise that she would stay single until she found her own strength of character, and until she had restored her deflated self-respect. But she was now filled with doubt.

  How could Lottie forgive her behaviour?

  Lottie had an inner fragility that was all too evident when it came to dealing with perceived rejection or conflict.

  Alice tried to swallow the hard lump that was burning in her throat. She had hurt the one person she loved more than all others in the world, and if she was capable of such cruelty, Alice reasoned, she would only cause Lottie more hurt in the long run. Panicking, she slammed the car into reverse, causing Odie to skid back into the depths of the passenger seat, Alice drove precariously fast, away from the cottage.

  LOTTIE PEERED THROUGH the closed curtains of the bedroom. She was sure she’d heard a car outside, and her heart had soared at the thought that Alice had also not gone to work and was coming around to sort things out. Straining to see up the small street she saw a vehicle in the distance turning the sharp corner marking the ascent to the top of the hill, and a squeal of wheels caused her to tut out loud.

  “Bloody idiots!” she muttered, assuming it was one of the local youths in their souped-up car.

  She had cried, on and off, for twenty-four hours and was aware she was becoming quite dehydrated. Though her stomach still churned, she decided she’d chance a glass of water. Running the tap to cool she cast a weary eye around the kitchen, noting the solidifying contents on the previous night’s dinner plates, the smell of leftover fish and chips making her stomach churn anew. Filling her glass, she gingerly sipped on the cool liquid and almost jumped out of her skin in response to a sharp rap on the front door.

  “Alice!” she whispered, rushing past the kittens who were fighting about a piece of dried fish that they had stolen from the tray on the stove.

  Flinging the door open, Lottie was met with the sight of the inimitable Pru, complete with a dark woollen cape and dramatic sunglasses. Glancing furtively around her, she shooed Lottie aside as she barrelled past, slamming the door behind her.

  Deflated, Lottie slumped onto the sofa nursing the still full glass of water. Pru seemed barely aware of the dishevelled Lottie, as she busied herself greeting her grandkittens while examining their furry coats for signs of pedigree. Disappointed by the lack of apparent evidence of their semi-superior heritage, she roughly discarded the two she was holding and turned her beady eye towards Lottie, eyeing her with suspicion.

  Lottie would never have answered the door if she’d thought to look through the peep hole. Although somewhat intrigued by Pru’s bizarre outfit, she was pretty sure she didn’t have the energy for a full discussion with her about her current distressed state. Pru continued to stare at her, stroking her furry chin and raising an inquisitive eyebrow awaiting an explanation from Lottie about her ruffled appearance.

  Lottie sighed deeply and summoned up enough energy to enquire why Pru was wearing sunglasses on such a cloudy day.

  Sensing her disinterested audience, Pru plonked her ostentatious sunglasses on top of her thinning hair. “Have you and Alice fallen out, dear?”

  Despite herself, Lottie found her eyes instantly filled with tears.

  Pru joined her on the smaller sofa and patted her leg robustly, clearly impatient to find herself in the role of comforter when she had intended to be the topic of conversation.

  Hastily, Lottie wiped her eyes, annoyed that she had been so transparent and vulnerable to Pru’s enquiry.

  “Now, now let’s not have silly tears, shall we? A little upset was always to be expected when you are so utterly besotted with someone like Alice. I could have warned you that she’s riddled with self-interest, but I thought you ought to find out for yourself, Charlotte!”

  Lottie felt a surge of anger. How dare Pru presume to know Alice after one ridiculous date! Alice may have some flaws, but selfishness certainly wasn’t one of her characteristics and despite her current ridiculous behaviour, what she knew about Alice was that she was full of kindness and integrity.

  “I think it’s time you left, Pru.”

  Pru, recognising that she had overstepped the mark, and struggling to backtrack from the forwardness of her opinion, adopted a placating tone. “Oh dear, perhaps I expressed that badly. I only meant to say that you two are very different.”

  Receiving a frosty glare from Lottie in return, she bumbled on. “I mean, dear, you’re sure to work through any minor issues! Well, they are minor, aren’t they?” Her face furrowed in concentration as she attempted to read the silent Lottie.

  Lottie sighed again, all fight going out of her. Pru was supposed to be a therapist after all. Drawing in a sharp breath, she started to recount the mournful tale of the past twenty-four hours and ended dramatically with her current conundrum of whether to swallow her pride and contact Alice. “I just think she ought to make the first move, she’s the one in the bloody wrong,” she muttered mutinously.

  Pru shook her head in disapproval and th
e sunglasses slipped from her head to be pounced upon by the ever-ready kitten army.

  Oblivious to the loss of her disguise, Pru launched into a lecture about the dangers of attachment. “Very unhealthy dear, very unhealthy! You need to get a grip. You shouldn’t expect others to provide you with happiness. It’s unnatural. We are all individuals, we come to this world alone and we leave it in the same way.” she concluded, seemingly confident that she had saved Lottie from future heartache.

  Lottie silently berated the arrogance of Pru and wondered if this was the reason that Pru had been single for the past eight years following the end of her long-term relationship, when her partner had run off with her best friend.

  Not feeling empowered by Pru’s psychobabble, she decided to change the subject, “I do wonder if things would be a lot easier if I was with a man. I mean for God’s sake, all they want to do is eat, sleep, fuck, and watch football. Women are so bloody deep!” she growled.

  Pru raised an eyebrow in clear disapproval at the crudeness of Lottie’s description, “Oh, my dear!” she muttered, and leaning in she whispered to her. “Once a vagitarian, always a vagitarian!” She snorted with laughter at her own wit.

  Lottie chuckled despite herself. “A vagitarian” she clearly was. God, why was she being so bloody proud? She needed to contact Alice and sort this out.

  With a renewed strength of urgency, she brusquely thanked Pru for her useful advice and dispatched her out through the front door.

  Grasping her phone with resolve she went to select new message but noticed a waiting message instead, and clicking open her inbox she gasped with joy, Alice!

  Hi Babe, I am so, so sorry. Please, can I come home?

  Furiously Lottie typed a reply.

  Come home now, please. I love you. I want to talk about this. We can sort it XXXXXX

  FORTY-FIVE MINUTES later, the front door opened and Alice sheepishly grinned at Lottie who ran across the living room to embrace her. Reluctant to let her go, Alice pulled her gently towards the sofa and they sat, legs entwined, treating one another gently, both careful not to rock the boat.

  Lottie waited expectantly as Alice struggled to make eye contact with her. The anger was gone but Lottie sensed something else. Fear? She reached to stroke Alice’s cheek which was warm from the spring air.

  Alice captured her hand and gently placed it back in her lap, Lottie felt the breath catch in her throat and a sudden feeling of dread started to grow. She had thought Alice had come to sort things out, but had she come to end it?

  Removing herself to the other sofa, Alice absent-mindedly fingered the cover of the book that only a few days ago had drawn the attention of Maddie. Catching Lottie observing this, she pulled it from the bookcase and placed it on the coffee table between them.

  “This book was given to me by Maddie, shortly after she had cheated on me for the first of what was to be many times. She said it was a ‘sorry’ present, but the only thing she was really sorry about was that she had been caught. I think she cheated on me a total of seven times, and each time she seemed to take it that little bit farther. One weekend she just didn’t come home and when she did come back, she looked at me with so much scorn, I felt numb at her complete disregard of my feelings. I thought I had died. Lottie, and each time she did it, I made plans to leave. I spoke to friends who told me to leave, but I didn’t. In the end she ended it when she finally moved in with a male teacher. I despised myself and the pitiful spineless idiot I had been, and I didn’t know if there would ever be a time when I could get over giving myself so totally and utterly to someone who was so completely unworthy. I would see them sometimes around the village, and she would give me a look that told me what I already knew, that I’d been discarded. I wasn’t interesting enough, funny enough, sexy enough to mean anything to her.”

  Alice’s breath caught but she cleared her throat and continued. “I hardened myself to love. I was determined that never again was I going to let myself be that vulnerable, and then I met you.”

  Alice looked up at Lottie who was staring at her intently, not wanting to speak for fear of breaking the spell, so Alice continued. “You made me feel like I was invincible. You made me feel like I was the funniest, sexiest woman alive and I was terrified. Terrified that you’d hurt me. Terrified that you’d cheat on me, or worse, leave me. Our life together has been magical, it’s been full of love and kindness and lust, and I started to forget that fear. I started to trust you. Then I came home, one uneventful day, determined to convince you to give Archie a break concerning this tutor thing, and there she was. The spiteful creature that behaved so cruelly towards me, pinning you to a wall in the kitchen and you, you, with excitement in your eyes at the attention of a she-devil!”

  Lottie mumbled an apology but Alice silenced her with a glance.

  “I felt like a thousand knives had gone through my heart, Lottie. I felt murderous, I wanted to kill her. I wanted to kill you both!”

  Lottie looked at her own hands in her lap and shame flooded through her. What was she to say? How could she explain her stupid flirtation? She looked up as Alice sat beside her once again, gently encircled her hands in her own. Lottie looked up into Alice’s piercing eyes, clouded with pain, and her stomach churned with regret.

  “But, Lottie, after I’d calmed down, I realised two things. I realised I never need to worry that you’d cheat on me, and that you hold my heart and I hold yours. Sure, flirting, that was apparent. I’ve had that type of attention from her before. I know how intense it feels, but unlike me, Lottie, you’d soon be able to see what’s behind that, because you’re the smartest person I know.”

  Lottie’s mouth curled to form a coy smile and Alice gently touched her lips to Lottie’s forehead.

  “I’m stubborn, Lottie, always have been but I know when I’m onto a good thing and I’m so sorry I stormed out like that.”

  Breathing deeply, Lottie touched her fingers to Alice’s lips.

  “My turn now,” she said. “I am smart sometimes, Alice, but I’ve been so incredibly stupid and I’m the one who should be sorry! I was flattered by the attention, but please know that I never would have acted on that. I have never thought of myself as attractive and I felt stunned and out of my depth with Maddie’s persistence. I wanted to tell you what was happening. I fully intended to talk to you, but then my pride got in the way. I thought I could handle it myself. It was because of my own stupid lack of self-confidence, that when I got such intense attention from an attractive woman, I felt overwhelmed. I’ve never thought of myself as attractive, until I met you. You made me feel like the hottest woman on the planet. Before that, I’d hidden myself for years and then when I finally did come out I always ended up being the one who did the chasing. Then I met you. You noticed me and you let me know you liked me and I can’t tell you how that made me feel. I suppose when Maddie showed me attention, my fragile pride was bolstered and I had a glimmer of myself as an attractive woman to someone other than you.”

  Alice shook her head. “I know she’s attractive, Lottie, but she’s not a nice person.”

  Lottie silenced her. “I know that, Alice. I know that! It wasn’t ever anything other than a stupid fantasy starring myself as a woman of allure, capable of attracting the attention of a stranger. Never more than that…” she trailed off, unable to explain, fully conscious of the fact that Alice would not welcome her full disclosure of the physical attraction she had felt towards another woman.

  In a moment of silence, Lottie and Alice looked at one another. Both felt vulnerable having revealed their inner thoughts.

  “I love you,” Alice whispered.

  Lottie leaned in and nestled close into the warm nape of Alice’s neck. “I love you, too. Let’s not let anything come between us. Stubbornness…”

  “…or pride,” Alice finished.

  AS THE DARKNESS of the spring evening descended, Lottie and Alice remained entwined on the sofa. Neither stirred to switch on the li
ght, not wishing to break the peace that encased them. Lottie could feel the steady gentle breath of Alice in the nape of her neck where her head was resting, as Alice unconsciously stroked Lottie’s forearm.

  As the room became fully darkened Lottie’s senses felt heightened to the warm presence of Alice’s body. Tilting her head, she felt for the softness of Alice’s lips and savoured her rapid breathing in response. Gently, Alice ran her hand along Lottie’s arm cupping her chin before lifting her chin until their lips fully met. Sensuously running her bottom lip against Lottie’s, her tongue flicked into the warm cavern of Lottie’s mouth carefully exploring her taste.

  Leading, Lottie clasped Alice’s hands in hers and pulled her to a horizontal position on top of her. She could feel the pounding of Alice’s heart against her chest and she felt choked with love for her. Without speaking, she lifted Alice’s top cupping her left breast and gently teasing her nipple until it was erect. A gasp of pleasure escaped Alice as she submitted.

  Alice slipped her hand down the front opening of Lottie’s trousers and eased herself gently into a comfortable position, unhurried she explored the warm folds of Lottie’s most intimate place.

  Lottie responded by kissing her with more certainty, and finding the opening of Alice’s jeans, she pleasured her. Their lips remained locked in a tender kiss as they both mutually climaxed, the tenderness reaffirming their love for one another.

  The Acceptance of Strangers

  ROLLING ONTO HER side, Lottie awoke slowly, taking time to drink in the early morning light as it caressed the naked body of Alice who lay silently beside her. Tenderly, Lottie ran a finger along the outline of her shoulder, lingering in the nape of her neck. Alice stirred. She rolled to face Lottie with a lazy smile, squinting into the light before wordlessly reaching to pull Lottie towards her. Lottie did not resist and fell easily into Alice’s embrace, taking in the traces of her aroma and the musky scent she always wore. Alice ran her hand through Lottie’s unruly morning hair and gently brushed it to one side, before pulling her roughly towards her and crushing her with a kiss laced with lust and love. Lottie let out a small gasp and the two rolled until they were entwined with the cool sheets and their lust was quickly sated.