Waiting on Life

by Parker Williams

  I handed the bags to Pete, then turned to leave, but Kyle stopped me with a hand on my arm. “Stay, please? Pete, make him stay.”

  “Me?” Pete squeaked. “Dude, he’s got way more muscles than I do. I don’t think I can make him do anything.”

  No, he couldn’t, but the tenderness in Kyle’s brown eyes? He could ask me for anything and I would do my best to give it to him. When I got home, I was going to have to talk to Tammy, because my head was so messed up.

  “How about I take something with me?” I asked. “I really do need to get home. Never finished the laundry, you know.”

  I should have left. I didn’t need to delay, but a moment later, and I found myself with two arms full of shirtless Kyle. I stiffened, but when he put his head against my chest, I melted and embraced him. His hair smelled sweet, like a floral shampoo, and his skin was so soft and warm.

  “Thank you for everything you’ve done,” he whispered. “I can’t tell you what it means to me.”

  Probably no more than it meant to me.

  When he stopped hugging and made to step back, I wanted to protest. Hell, I wanted to beg him to let me hug him a little longer. Instead, I reached into the bag and pulled out one of the to-go boxes.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I wanted to stay. I wanted to sit and have a meal with Kyle. Well, Pete too, I guess. There were so many things I wanted to know about Kyle. What made him laugh? Were there any movies that made him tear up? What kind of books did he like? What was he like as a child? What were his hopes and dreams?

  There was sadness and pain in Kyle’s eyes, and it hurt me physically to think I was the cause of it.

  “Hey, how about you come over in the morning for breakfast?” I held up the box. “I’ll save this so I have something to feed you since I haven’t gone shopping yet.”

  Kyle’s lower lip jutted out slightly, and I had to resist the urge to run my thumb over it. This man was turning me inside out, and I couldn’t figure out why for the life of me. I needed to get away from him, have a minute to clear my head.

  “Breakfast?” I asked. “It’ll have to be early, because I’m opening tomorrow. Will that be okay?”

  He nodded, then pointed to the box I was holding. “But you eat that. I’ll cook you something.” He gave a sad smile. “I like to cook.”

  “You suck at it,” Pete said.

  “Shut up,” Kyle tossed back. “Just because you can cook gourmet.” His cheeks pinked. “I do okay on the basic things.”

  Pete’s eyes softened. “He does. He’s not bad in the kitchen.”

  “You can come too, Pete,” I offered, even though I hoped he’d say no.

  “Nah, I work early tomorrow. Thank you for the invite, though.”

  “Maybe next time.” I turned to Kyle. “Can we make it for six? I won’t have a lot of time, but we should be able to sit down and talk for a bit.”

  “Sure, six sounds good.”

  He stood there, his hands at his side, looking like he wanted something but didn’t know what he should do about it.

  “Okay, I’ll see you later, then.”

  I put a hand on the door but still didn’t want to go. I had to tear myself away and ensure I didn’t catch his gaze again.

  As I crossed to my apartment, I finally realized the problem. I was screwed.

  Toby

  It was far too late to be calling my sister, but I needed to talk to her. My hands shook when I drew the phone from my pocket and pressed Call.

  “H’lo?”

  “Hey, Tam. Sorry about waking you. Tell Mel I’m sorry for waking her too.”

  She chuckled. “I sincerely doubt that, and Mel’s working late night this week, so you don’t have to worry about her. What’s going on?”

  A thousand ways of explaining the situation bounced around in my mind, and not one of them sounded right to me. How could I ask Tammy if she thought there was something wrong with my head?

  “Toby?”

  “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry.” I drew in a deep breath, then blew it out slowly. “When did you know you were a lesbian?”

  “I’m bi, Toby. I’ve been with both men and women, but the first time I kissed Mel, that was it for me,” she replied. “It felt right in a way nothing else had. It was as though everything I wanted in life was poured into that moment. Why do you ask?”

  “Do you think it’s possible for people to get to thirty-two and question their sexuality? Does it change?” I chewed the inside of my cheek, waiting for her to answer.

  “What aren’t you telling me? Are you questioning yours?”

  I scratched my neck. “I’m not sure. Maybe.”

  There was no way I could be sure of her reaction. I expected some teasing at least, but Tam wasn’t like that when I was being serious.

  “That’s fine. Many people do at times in their lives. It’s normal.”

  “Does sexuality change? I mean, can I be straight, then decide I’m gay?”

  She chuckled again. “No, it doesn’t work like that. We don’t make a choice to be gay, just like people don’t choose to be straight. Or, at least, not without being miserable in their lives. What is sexuality? It’s more like learning things about ourselves that we didn’t know before. Like, let’s say you’ve never liked someone with green eyes before, but you find yourself looking into a person’s eyes and you’re not seeing them, you’re lost in those eyes.

  “But what if it’s someone of a gender you never thought you’d be with.”

  “Okay, let me ask why you think you’re attracted to him.”

  That answer was so easy, yet so difficult. “I met a guy. His name is Kyle, and he’s… I don’t even know how to describe him. He’s sweet, warm, and kind. I like talking with him, you know?”

  “All right, do you think about having sex with him? Do you fantasize about sucking his dick? Or maybe sliding into his ass? What about him being on top and fucking you?”

  “Tammy!” I couldn’t believe she was being so blatant. “Seriously?”

  She chuckled. “I’m not trying to be crass, I swear. I’m trying to understand.”

  Now that she put the idea into my head, I sure was thinking about it. I wondered if Kyle was proportional. He was slender, so would his dick be? If I put it in my mouth, would I puke? And if he wanted it, could I let him fuck me?

  “You’re overthinking,” Tammy chided. “What makes you think you’re attracted to this guy?”

  At least that question was easy. “He’s kind and considerate. I like talking to him, and he makes me smile.”

  “Mm-hm. And that’s it?”

  What the hell more did she need? “What do you mean?”

  “Okay, I’m gonna lay this out for you. Most people I know look at a person’s body and think about that.”

  “I did look at his body. I thought he was a girl at first.”

  “So he’s effeminate?”

  Was he? “No. Well, yeah. I mean…. He’s got some mannerisms, but I don’t know that I would say he’s effeminate. He’s just… Kyle.”

  “Okay, let me try something different. When’s the last time you dated anyone?”

  “Rochelle, I guess, but that’s been a year or so.”

  “And you haven’t dated anyone since then? What about sex? Any hookups?”

  “No.” I scowled, even if she couldn’t see me. “You know I don’t do hookups.”

  “One more question. What attracts you most to a person?”

  The urge to talk about boobs or a nice ass was on the tip of my tongue, but that wasn’t what came out of my mouth. “I want someone I can talk with. They need to have something more than a sexy body, because we found out that looks can change fast.”

  Mom had a mastectomy when she was forty. She was so worried Dad wouldn’t love her anymore, but he sat us all down and told us that love was more than a body, because those would change over the years. To prove his point, he stood and jiggled his stomach, telling us that when he and Mom had gott
en together, he’d had a six-pack.

  “Okay, I think I have it all in my head. Have you ever heard the term demisexual?”

  “Um… no, should I?”

  “Have you ever had a hookup?”

  “No.”

  “And before you sleep with someone, you need to get to know them first, right?”

  “Of course. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.” I paused. “What’s a demisexual?”

  The sound of tapping filtered through the phone. “I’m going to give you the description from a website. Keep in mind, this is just my initial answer, all right?”

  “Sure.”

  “Here it is. Listen, it’s going to be dry and boring, but I don’t have all the answers, so I need to turn to the internet. According to Wiki, ‘A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It’s more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to someone else—whether the feelings are romantic love or deep friendship—the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only toward the specific partner or partners.’”

  “I….” Was that me? I mean, I looked at Kyle when we first met, but that wasn’t what drew me to him. “I don’t know.”

  “And that’s fine. There’s a spectrum of sexualities out there. You might find one you fit in, or maybe you’ll find none of them suit you. But you need to know, I will always have your back.” She sighed. “Now, tell me about Kyle.”

  That was the easiest part of the conversation. I told her everything, from our initial meeting to the offer of breakfast. Through it all, she stayed quiet.

  “And that brings us to today.”

  “He sounds lovely.”

  “Why are you not more shocked by this?”

  “Because I know you. You’ve always been the kind of guy who stressed over whether someone liked you, and when you thought they might, you went into a meltdown.”

  “But I’ve never been attracted to a man,” I told her.

  “And you haven’t been attracted to that many women either,” she reminded me. “You’re looking for a very specific person. One who has the same hopes and dreams as you. One you’re able to build a life with. The label isn’t what’s important. Gay, straight, bisexual, or any of the pantheon of sexualities, they’re something we’re expected to choose from, but it’s not that simple. It never has been. When we were in school, I had crushes on guys and girls, but girls were what I was drawn to. Am I saying I’ll never find a guy attractive? No, of course not. Will I act on it? Nope. I have the person I love.”

  “So how do I know I’m not bisexual?”

  “In the broadest sense of the word, you could well be, but there are others that might fit better for you. And please, I’m not saying you have to define yourself. Take life one day at a time. If this Kyle is the one you’re thinking about, then see where it goes.”

  “It’s all so weird,” I muttered.

  “No, it’s only strange because society tells us we all need to fit into this mold they put us in, but very few people do. We bought into the hype about being straight, being married, having kids, and the whole ball of wax. Remember Julie from school? She was so certain she had to be straight, there was no other option that she’d accept. To that end, she went to reparative therapy, and to this day she’s miserable, because it’s not who she is but who she thinks she needs to be in order to find happiness.”

  Waldo pounced onto my lap, reminding me that it was bedtime. “I should go. I have to open in a couple hours, and still need to sit down with Kyle for breakfast.”

  “And are you looking forward to it?”

  More than anything. “Yes.”

  “Then have breakfast with him. See if it’s something you want to pursue.”

  The nagging question finally came out. “What if it’s not? I don’t want to lead him on or hurt his feelings.”

  She sighed. “It’s not in you to hurt anyone. If there’s one thing I’m completely certain of, you’ll do whatever you have to in order to make things right with this guy, no matter what direction you ultimately go.”

  She had a lot more confidence in me than I had in myself.

  “There’s just one thing I need to mention. Dial back your… gruffness. Let him know you’re happy to see him. I know you come off as all stoic and serious, but remember that I know you. I am aware there’s a sense of whimsy and fun in there too. Let it out and show Kyle you can be more than another grumpy bastard.”

  Once again, she was right. Usually it took me a while to warm up to someone and drop the defenses to let them into my heart. It made me come off as uncaring and callous, until I did, and then it seemed like fake niceness. I had to be better than that here.

  “I’ll try.”

  “Let me know how it goes, okay? If Kyle is important to you, he’s going to be important to me.”

  And that led to another problem. “What do you think Mom and Dad will say?”

  “Are you serious right now? They’re going to say how happy they are you found someone who makes you happy. You know our parents don’t care about labels or who loves who. They want us to make a genuine connection with someone who cares for us and who we care for. That’s all they’ve ever wanted. Remember when I brought Mel home for Christmas the first time?”

  Tammy had been nervous about our folks meeting the woman she’d fallen in love with, but she was determined that she would never be ashamed of Mel and knew if she didn’t do this, that would send the wrong message to her girlfriend. When they walked in, hand in hand, Dad had taken one look at them and beamed a smile at them so wide and so genuine, even I melted.

  “Yeah, I remember.”

  “They won’t do less for you. Dad drilled it into our heads that the body is just a covering for what’s on the inside. You fall in love with a person’s heart, their mind, and their soul. And that’s all that ever really matters.”

  A great weight was lifted off my shoulders after talking with Tammy. It was like she’d given me permission to follow my heart, no matter what lay within it.

  “Thank you. I mean it.”

  “I know you do. Let go of those doubts, and if you and Kyle are meant to be, then let it happen. Don’t fight it, don’t stress about it. Love is such a rare gift, we should always hold it tight when we find the ones we want to share it with.”

  “When did you get so smart?” I asked, even though I knew she’d always been smarter than me.

  “About the time I stopped stressing when I realized that being bi wasn’t a curse or a disease.”

  “You mean…. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

  “Some journeys are meant to be taken alone. Just like you need to decide what’s right for you, I had to do the same thing. I came out stronger for it, and you will too. And always remember, I love you.”

  My heart clenched, because I’d always thought of Tammy as someone I needed to protect, but it turned out she was the one who took care of me.

  “I love you too.”

  “Good. Now, let me get some sleep, because when Mel gets home, she and I are going to have wild monkey sex.”

  “Hope you have a great time.”

  She gasped. “That’s it? Where’s the jokes? The innuendo?”

  Any other time, I would have relished the idea, but Tammy was there for me, and I appreciated it. “Maybe I’m growing up. Finally.”

  She gave a soft chuckle. “Don’t grow up too much. I kinda like the brother I have.”

  And I loved the sister I’d been fortunate enough to get.

  “Night, Tobes.”

  She hung up, and I slipped my phone into my pocket. I clutched Waldo
to my chest and carried him into the bedroom. I sat Waldo down, plugged in my phone, and then pulled off my shirt.

  “You think she’s right? Is it possible to fall in love with a guy?”

  It was a stupid question, because in my heart, I knew the truth. I wanted to know more about Kyle in the worst way. I wanted him to be a part of mine and Waldo’s lives.

  Chapter Nine

  Kyle

  “Something smells good.”

  Pete came around the corner, his hair damp and spiky. He toweled off his chest, then wiped the stray drops from his face. Pete was a cute little twink, which was why we got along so well. We were about the same size, so we could share clothes. More than once I found him with my one gown on, staring at himself in the mirror and smiling.

  “I’m trying to make him an omelet. I used some of your stuff.”

  “It’s cool,” he said, sticking his head over my shoulder and inhaling. “I was teasing yesterday, you know. You are a really good cook.”

  I grinned, because a compliment like that from Pete meant a lot. His family owned a popular restaurant, where they expected he would cook one day. Pete’s dreams took him off in a different direction, though, which angered his family.

  “Do you think Jack was pissed because he already bucked your family to become a cop? Maybe he expected since you were there, you’d pick up the slack.”

  Pete reached in and grabbed a chunk of the vegan sausage, which he popped in his mouth. “Oh, I know it is. He told the folks that I was the better cook, and they grudgingly gave him permission to become a cop because I was waiting in the wings. The problem was, no one ever asked me what I wanted. They all assumed, and when they found out that their plan wasn’t mine, they went apeshit.”

  “And then I came along.”

  Pete poured a cup of coffee, then took a seat at the table. “No. Don’t go there, please. You’re a victim of their arrogance and stupidity, nothing more. Jack feels bad that he did the same thing, especially considering he became their target after I refused. The thing was, they had Allen who wanted to be in the family business, but they wouldn’t take the time to train him because, they said, he didn’t have the skills. So the two of us who can cook don’t want to, and the one who wants to can’t because they think he’s a lost cause.”