Uncle Wiggily in Wonderland

by Howard Roger Garis

  But adventures, or things that happen to you, seemed to be scarce thatday, and it was noontime before the bunny gentleman hardly knew it.

  "Well!" he exclaimed. "I'm getting hungry, and, as I didn't bring anycherry pie with me I'll have to skip along to my hollow stump bungalowfor something to eat."

  Nurse Jane had left some things on the table for the bunny gentleman toeat for his lunch. There were cold carrot sandwiches, cold cabbagetarts, cold turnip unsidedowns--which are like turnovers onlydifferent--and cold lettuce pancakes.

  "But it seems to me," said Uncle Wiggily, "it seems to me that I wouldlike something hot. I think I'll make a soup of all these things as Isaw the cook doing when I went through the funny little door and metAlice from Wonderland in the kitchen of the Duchess."

  So, getting a large soup kettle, Uncle Wiggily put into it the coldcarrot sandwiches, the cold lettuce pancakes, the cold cabbage tarts andso on. Then he built a fire in the stove.

  "For," said he, "if those things are good cold they are better hot. Ishall have a fine hot lunch."

  Then Uncle Wiggily sat down to wait for the things to cook, and everyonce in a while he would look at the kettle on the stove and say:

  "Yes, I shall have a fine, hot lunch!"

  And then, all of a sudden, after the bunny rabbit gentleman had saidthis about five-and-ten-cent-store times a voice cried:

  "Indeed you will have a hot lunch!" and all of a sudden into the kitchenof the hollow stump bungalow came the red hot flamingo bird, eager toburn the rabbit gentleman.

  "Oh!" exclaimed Uncle Wiggily. "I--I don't seem to know you very well."

  "You'll know me better after a bit," said the red flamingo bird,clashing its beak like a pair of tailor's shears. "I'm the bird thatAlice from Wonderland used for a croquet mallet when she played with theQueen of Hearts."

  "Oh, now I know!" said the bunny. "Won't you have lunch with me?" heasked, trying to be polite. "I'm having a hot lunch, though Nurse Janeleft me a cold one, and--"

  "You are going to have a much hotter lunch than you imagine!" said thered flamingo bird. "Look out! I'm getting sizzling hot!" And indeed hewas, which made him such a red color, I suppose. "I'm going to burnyou!" cried the bird to Uncle Wiggily, sticking out his red tongue.

  "Burn me? Why?" asked the poor bunny gentleman.

  "Oh, because I have to burn somebody, and it might as well be you!" saidthe flamingo. "Look out, now!"

  "Ha! Indeed! And it's you who had better look out!" cried a new voice.And with that the cook--the same big lady, shaped like a ham, whom UncleWiggily had last seen in the kitchen of the Duchess--this cook hoppednimbly in through a window of the hollow stump bungalow.

  "I'll fix him!" she cried, catching up the flatirons from the shelf overthe stove and throwing them at the flamingo. "Get out! Scat! Sush! Runaway!" And she threw the fire shovel, the dustpan, the sink shovel, thestove lifter, the broom and the coal scuttle at the flamingo. My, butthat cook was a thrower!

  She didn't hit the red flamingo bird with any of the things she threw,but she tossed them so very hard, and seemingly with such anger, thatthe bird was frightened.

  "This is no place for me!" cried the flaming red bird, drawing in hisred tongue. "I'll go make it hot for Mr. Whitewash, the polar bear. Hemight like some heat for a change from his cake of ice."

  Then the red flamingo bird, not burning Uncle Wiggily at all, flew away,and the cook, after she had picked up all the kitchen things she hadthrown, came in and had a hot lunch with Uncle Wiggily, who thanked hervery much.

  "I'm glad you came," said the bunny, "but I didn't know you cooks threwthings."

  "Oh, I'm from the Wonderland Alice book, which makes me different," thecook answered. And she was queer. But everything came out all right, yousee, and if the trolley car conductor doesn't punch the transfer so hardthat it falls off the seat, I'll tell you next about Uncle Wiggily andthe Baby.

  CHAPTER X

  UNCLE WIGGILY AND THE BABY

  "Well," said Uncle Wiggily Longears, the rabbit gentleman, to himself,as he stood in the middle of the woods and looked around. "I don't seemto be going to have any adventures today at all. I wonder what's thematter?"

  Something was wrong, that is certain.

  The bunny uncle had been hopping along all the morning, and part of theafternoon, and not a single adventure had he found. Almost alwayssomething happened to him, but this time was different.

  He had not met Alice from Wonderland, nor any of her queer relations,and Uncle Wiggily had not seen any of his animal boy or girl friends, sothe rabbit gentleman was beginning to feel a bit lonesome.

  Then, all of a sudden, before you could count a million (providing youhad time and wanted to), Uncle Wiggily saw, fluttering from a tree,what he thought was a flag.

  "That's queer," he said to himself, only out loud. "I wonder if any ofmy mosquito enemies have made a camp there under the trees, and areflying the flag before they come to bite me? I'll go closer and see."

  Uncle Wiggily was very brave, you know, even if he only had his red,white and blue striped rheumatism crutch instead of the talcum powderpopgun that shot bean-bag bullets. So up he went to where he thought hesaw the mosquito enemy's flag fluttering, and my goodness me sakes aliveand some chocolate cake ginger snaps! It wasn't the mosquito flag atall, which shows that we ought never to be afraid until we are sure whata thing is--and sometimes not then.

  "Why, it's a lady's veil!" cried Uncle Wiggily, as he looked at thefluttering thing. And, as he said that, someone, who was sitting on anold log, turned around, and--there was the Wonderland Duchessherself--the queer, stout lady who looked like a barrel of flour--veryrich you know!

  "Oh, hello, Uncle Wiggily!" called the Duchess, who is a sort ofprincess grown up. "I'm glad to see you. I have a friend of yours herewith me!"

  "Do you mean Alice?" asked the bunny.

  "No, this time it's the Baby," answered the Duchess, and then UncleWiggily saw that she had a live baby in her arms upside down. I mean thebaby was upside down, not the arms of the Duchess, though perhaps itwould have been better that way.

  "Bless me!" cried Uncle Wiggily. "That's no way to hold the child."

  "Oh, indeed!" said the Duchess, sort of sniffing proud like. "Then ifyou know so much about holding babies, take this one. I have to go makea rice pudding," and before Uncle Wiggily could stop her she tossed thebaby to him as if it were a ball and ran away, crying:

  "Rice! Rice! Who has the rice pudding?"

  "Oh, my!" Uncle Wiggily started to say, but that was all he had timefor, as he had to catch Baby, which he managed to do right side up. Thiswas a good thing, I think.

  "You poor little dear!" cried the bunny uncle as he smoothed out theBaby's clothes and looked around for a nursing bottle or a rattle box.And, as he was doing this, and while the Baby was trying to close itslips, which it had opened to cry with when it found itself skedaddlingthrough the air--while this was going on, some one gave a loud laugh,and Uncle Wiggily, looking around in surprise, saw Alice fromWonderland.

  "Well!" said the bunny. "I'm glad to see you, but what is there to laughat?"

  "The--the baby!" said Alice, sort of choking like, for she was trying totalk and laugh at the same time.

  "Why should you laugh at a poor baby, whom no one seems to know how tocare for?" asked Uncle Wiggily. "Why, I ask you?"

  "Oh! But look what it's turning into!" said Alice, pointing.

  The bunny uncle looked at what he held in his paws. It was wiggling,twisting and squirming in such a funny way, squee-geeing its dress allup around its face that for a moment Uncle Wiggily could not get a goodlook, but, when he did, he cried:

  "My goodness me sakes alive and some bacon gravy! It's a little pig!"

  And so it was! As he held it the baby had turned into a tiny pig, with afunny nose and half-shut eyes.

  "Bless my rheumatism crutch!" cried Uncle Wiggily. "What made it dothat?"

  "Because it's that way in the book where I came from," sai
d Alice. "Youread and you'll see that the baby which the Duchess gives me to holdturns into a little pig."

  "But she gave it to ME to hold!" cried Uncle Wiggily.

  "It's much the same thing," spoke Alice. "As long as it's a pig itdoesn't matter."

  "But dear me hum suz dud!" cried the bunny. "I don't want to be carryingaround a little pig. Of course I like pigs, and I'm very fond of myfriends Curley and Floppy Twisty-tail, the little grunters. But thisbaby pig--"

  And, just as Uncle Wiggily said that, who should come along but a badold skillery-scalery hump-tailed alligator, walking on his hind legs,with his two front claws stretched out in front of him.

  "Ah, ha!" cried the bad alligator, who had promised to be good, but whohad not kept his word. "Ah, ha! At last I have caught you, UncleWiggily, and Wonderland Alice, too!"

  He was just going to grab them when the little Baby Pig, who had beensquirming very hard all the while, finally squirmed out of UncleWiggily's paws, fell to the ground, and then, running right between thelegs of the alligator, as pigs always do run, the squealing chap upsetthe bad, unpleasant creature, knocking him over in a frontwardsomersault and also backward peppersault down the steps.

  "Oh, my goodness!" cried the skillery-scalery alligator. "I'm killed!"Which he wasn't at all, but he thought so, and this frightened him somuch that he ran away and didn't catch Uncle Wiggily or Alice after all,for which I'm glad.

  And if the puppy dog doesn't take all the bark off the sassafras treeand leave none for the pussy cat to polish her claws on, I'll tell younext about Uncle Wiggily and the Mock-Turtle.

  CHAPTER XI

  UNCLE WIGGILY AND THE MOCK-TURTLE

  "Oh, Uncle Wiggily! Will you please take me with you this morning?"asked a little voice, somewhere down near the lower, or floor-end, ofthe old rabbit gentleman's rheumatism crutch, as Mr. Longears sat at thebreakfast table in his hollow stump bungalow. "Please take me with you!"

  "Well, who are you, and where do you want to be taken?" asked the bunny.

  "Oh, I'm Squeaky-Eeky, the little cousin mouse," was the answer, "and Iwant you to take me with you on one of your walks, so I can have anadventure as you do with Alice in Wonderland."

  "But perhaps I may not see Alice in Wonderland," spoke Uncle Wiggily. "Ido not always have that pleasure."

  "Well, then, perhaps we'll see the Baby or the Duchess, or the Gryphonor some of the funny folk who make such jolly fun with you," went onSqueaky-Eeky. "I have a holiday from school today, because they arepainting the blackboards white, and I'd like to come with you."

  "Come along then!" cried Uncle Wiggily, giving the little cousin mouse abit of cheese cake with some lettuce sugar sprinkled over the top."We'll see what sort of adventure happens today."

  So, calling good-bye to Nurse Jane Fuzzy Wuzzy, the muskrat ladyhousekeeper, Uncle Wiggily and Squeaky-Eeky started off over the fieldsand through the woods. They had not gone very far before, all at once,as they walked along a little path under the trees they saw a funnything lying near a clump of ferns.

  It looked like a mud turtle at first, but after peering at it throughhis glasses Uncle Wiggily saw that the larger part was made of ahalf-round stone. In front of that was part of a broken rubber ball, andsticking out at the four corner places were four pieces of wood, likelittle claws, while at the back was a piece of an old leather boot.

  "My! I wonder what in the world this can be?" said Uncle Wiggily,surprised like.

  "Maybe it's something from Alice in Wonderland," spoke Squeaky-Eeky, thecousin mouse.

  "You are right--I am!" exclaimed a voice. "I am the Mock-Turtle and Ihave just gotten out of the soup."

  "Oh, I'm so glad to meet you!" cried Squeaky. "I've always wanted to seewhat a real mock turtle looked like, ever since I read the book aboutAlice."

  "Hum!" grunted the queer creature. "There's no such thing as a real mockturtle any more than there is a make-believe toothache."

  "I hope you never have that," said Squeaky-Eeky, politely.

  "Thank you, I don't care for any," answered the Mock-Turtle, just as ifthe little cousin mouse had passed the cakes. And then the turtle beganto sing:

  "Speak gently to your toothache drops, And do not let them fall. And when you have the measle-mumps, They'll scarcely hurt at all."

  "Mine did," said Squeaky-Eeky, wondering if this was what Alice wouldhave answered. But the Mock-Turtle kept right on with:

  "Once a tramp was seated on A chair made out of cheese. He ate the legs and then he fell Down with a terrible sneeze."

  "That isn't right," said Squeaky-Eeky. "It's a trap that was baited witha piece of cheese, and--"

  "Hush!" suddenly exclaimed the Mock-Turtle. "Here he comes!"

  "Who?" asked the little cousin mouse. "Do you mean the tramp?"

  Before the Mock-Turtle could answer along came shuffling a big, shaggybear. At first Uncle Wiggily and the little cousin mouse thought perhapsit was Neddie or Beckie Stubtail, one of the good bear children, butinstead it was a bad old tramp sort of a bear--the kind that goes abouttaking honey out of beehives.

  "Ah, ha!" growled the bear. "A rabbit and a mouse! That's fine for me! Ishall have a good dinner, I'm sure!" and he smacked his red tongueagainst his teeth.

  "Where will you get your dinner?" asked Uncle Wiggily, curious like.

  "There is no restaurant or kitchen around here," went on Squeaky-Eeky.

  "Never you mind about that!" cried the bear. "I'll attend to you atdessert. Just now I want Uncle Wiggily to come here and count how manyteeth I have," and he opened his mouth real wide, the bear did.

  "Oh, but I don't want to count your teeth," said the poor bunnygentleman, for well he knew what the bear's trick would be. The bearwanted to bite Uncle Wiggily.

  "You must count my teeth!" growled the shaggy creature, coming close toUncle Wiggily.

  "No, let me do it!" suddenly cried the Mock-Turtle. "I am good atcounting."

  "Well, it doesn't make any difference who does it," said the bear. Then,going close over to where the Mock-Turtle sat on the path, the bearopened wide his mouth. And then, just as he would have done to therabbit gentleman, the bear made a savage bite for the Mock-Turtle.

  But you know what happened. Instead of biting on something good, like alollypop, the bear bit on the hard stone, of which the top part of Mock,or Make-Believe, Turtle was made, and the stone was so gritty and toughthat the bear's teeth all broke off, and then he couldn't bite even ajelly fish.

  "Oh, wow! Oh, woe is me!" cried the bear, as he ran to see if he couldfind a dentist to make him some false teeth.

  "And he didn't hurt me a bit," laughed the Mock-Turtle, made of stone,wood and leather, who was built that way on purpose to fool bad bearsand such like. "I don't mind in the least being bitten," said thepretend turtle.

  "But you saved my life, and Squeaky-Eeky's, too," said Uncle Wiggily. "Ithank you!" Then the Mock-Turtle crawled away and the bunny and mousiegirl had a fine time together. And if the milk wagon doesn't go swimmingdown on the board walk with the watering cart and make the ice creamjump over the lollypop, I'll tell you next about Uncle Wiggily and theLobster.

  CHAPTER XII

  UNCLE WIGGILY AND THE LOBSTER

  "You'll be home to supper, won't you?" asked Nurse Jane Fuzzy Wuzzy, themuskrat lady housekeeper, as she saw her friend, Uncle Wiggily Longears,the rabbit gentleman, hopping down off the front porch of the hollowstump bungalow one morning.

  "Oh, yes, I'll be home," he answered, "I'm just going to look for alittle adventure."

  Then, not having been on the board walk in quite a while, Uncle Wiggilywent down to the ocean seashore beach.

  "For," said the old rabbit gentleman to himself, "I have not had aseashore adventure in some time. And, perhaps, my friend, Alice, fromWonderland, may be down there. I know in her story book there are manycurious things that happen near the sea."

  So down to the shore went Uncle Wiggily and as he was walking along,looking at
the funny marks his feet made in the wet sand, all of asudden he came to a pile of damp, green seaweed, and from underneath ithe heard a voice calling:

  "Oh, help me out! Please help me out!"

  "Ha! That sounds like some one in trouble!" Uncle Wiggily said. "I musthelp them." Then with his red, white and blue striped rheumatism crutchthat Nurse Jane had gnawed for him out of a lollypop stick, the bunnypoked away the seaweed, and underneath it, all tangled up so he couldhardly move, was a Lobster gentleman.

  "Oh, it was so good of you to get me out," said the Lobster as he gave aflip-flap with his tail. "An old crab, who doesn't like me, piled theseaweed over my back as I was taking a nap in the sun. My long thin legswere all tangled in it, and even with my big pinching claws I could notget loose, and I was so afraid I'd be late."

  "Late for what?" asked Uncle Wiggily, wondering where the Lobster wasgoing.

  "To the dance--the quadrille, of course," was the answer.

  "Oh, now I remember," said the bunny. "It's in the Wonderland Alicebook. You have to go to a dance, don't you?"

  "Exactly," said the Lobster. "I'd be pleased to have you come with me."

  "I will," promised Uncle Wiggily, thinking maybe he would have anadventure there. So down the beach started the Lobster gentleman and thebunny uncle. On and on they went for a long, long time, it seemed toUncle Wiggily, and it was getting quite late, as he could tell by thestar fish which were twinkling on the beach, and still they had seen nosigns of a dance.