by B. V. Larson
When we were done, the Nairbs seemed somewhat more relaxed. I could have told him his newfound lack of concern was pointless. Nairbs had thin skins and even thinner skulls. Against any Nairb, my fist was as deadly a weapon as a gun.
“Excellent,” the Nairb said. “Now, question two: is there a being here known as ‘the McGill?’”
Turov winced noticeably. I, on the other hand, took in a deep breath and grinned. It was always nice to be recognized.
“I’m right here, Inspector sir!”
The Nairb swung his sensory organs around to face me. “Ah, yes of course. You’re unnaturally large for the species. A mutant, I presume?”
“Some would say so, yes.”
“Interesting… Lord Sateekas, former admiral and former governor of this province, requested that we seek you out. Now that your presence has been confirmed, I can continue.”
“Let’s hear it. I’m all ears.”
The lead Nairb ruffled up like a pissed parrot and shook himself. “Impudence is rife in your behavior patterns already. This shall be an easy judgment.”
“Uh…”
“You stand accused, human, of murder in the first degree. That is, murder which was premeditated and intentional.”
“Murder? What? That’s crazy talk!”
The Nairb sidled closer. His nose lifted higher, like a finger-sniffing dog. “You dare to deny your actions? That is a further crime, an implied perjury.”
“No, no! I’m just confused. We humans are dumb, you know that, right?”
The Nairb stared at me. “Clarify your meaning, human.”
“I was just baffled. I don’t know about any murders I might have committed that could be coming back to bite me in the ass right now. Sure, I’ve shot down my share of aliens in combat zones—but as a soldier and an enforcer, that’s my job.”
“Is it your job to assassinate your rightfully appointed provincial governor?”
“Uh… no.”
“Then let me ask you this directly: did you, or did you not murder Governor Xlur on Trantor?”
I was unable to answer right off. I opened my mouth, but hesitated. Nothing I could say right now sounded all that good—not even to me.
“Further,” the Nairb went on, “as this act of murder was visited upon a member of a higher quality species, the scope of the crime and magnitude of the associated punishment is amplified. Your entire species, should you be found guilty, will share in experiencing justice as it is dispensed.”
There was a buzzing that rose up from the circled group of humans. They’d been tense at first, but the more the Nairb kept talking about species-wide responsibility and shared guilt, the more their faces sagged.
“But… why? Why punish everyone?”
“Because they gave birth to you. When an insect from a hive attacks an innocent, you can’t just destroy that single member—you’d never locate it, for one thing. No. Anyone meting out justice would dispense it liberally, eradicating the entirety of the dangerous nest.”
“Oh yeah, I guess you’re right about that…”
Galina seemed to be having some kind of a conniption at this point. “Inspector, please let me intervene and speak on the behalf of all humans. We don’t accept McGill as a member of our species. In fact, we reject him. We abhor him and his grotesque behaviors. We—”
“Your statements are unhelpful. As members of his species, you all share guilt and all must stand trial at his side. In the scope of Galactic Law, you are all responsible for his actions.”
Galina closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. I figured she was close to losing it, and we’d only just gotten started.
-17-
At this point, I got an idea. No wait, calling my random doodling thought an idea would be too grandiose. It was more of a vague notion than anything else—but it was all I had in my otherwise empty head, so I ran with it.
“Mr. Nairb, sir?” I began, “Mr. Nairb? Aren’t we getting ahead of ourselves just a bit?”
“I hardly think so. Your long evasion of justice has led us with utter finality to this inevitable endpoint. I will confess I’ve spent too much of my lifetime on this case—the ‘McGill Mysteries’, as they are known in the Core Systems.”
“You call my adventures the McGill Mysteries? Really? So, you’re saying I’m famous all over the galaxy, aren’t you? That’s pretty cool!”
The Nairb seemed confused by my remarks. “While the ambient temperatures in this region of space are lower than in the Core, I fail to understand how the relative motion of molecules has anything to do—”
“Sorry, sorry, ‘cool’ is just an expression. Anyways, what I’m talking about is the critical find we’ve got right here on the Moon. We’re standing on top of a dead Skay’s corpse—you know about that, right?”
The Nairb ruffled himself up. “What you speak of is simply one more mystery layered upon all the others,” he said officiously. “I will admit a single positive outcome, however. This fresh diplomatic crisis provided me with the authority and the budget to pursue your case all the way out here to the fringe provinces.”
“Ah-ha!” I said, jabbing a finger at him. The Nairb ducked away, his floppy green head dodging my gesture. Maybe he’d heard a thing or two about me. “I get it now! Until this latest scandal blew up, no one cared enough to let you come out here to do your investigating. Is that it?”
“Essentially, yes. Now, let’s get back to the proceedings—”
“Damn straight we will. You see, first off, the most important thing going on in this province is this here dead Skay. The McGill Mysteries are nothing in comparison.”
“There is some truth to your statements. However, I’m in charge, and I’ve made a choice. I’m going to handle your depredations first, not—”
I waggled my finger at him. “Ah-ah-ah, hold on, Mr. Nairb. Think for a second: if you try and convict me, you’ll have to execute me—hell, you might find yourself itching to kill everyone in this room!”
“That seems highly likely,” the alien admitted.
“Well then, if we’re all dead, how in the heck are you going to question us about your primary mission?”
The Nairb opened his nasty trap, but then he closed it again. He didn’t say anything for a few seconds.
“You see there?” I asked him. “What you’ve gotten yourself into is a set of irrational priorities. It’s real common when folks get all riled up about one small thing. They tend to forget about the rest of their jobs. You’ve got to keep your eye on the big picture, Mr. Nairb.”
The Nairb twitched a little. “All right. You are correct—logic dictates that you must be questioned about the Skay’s demise first.”
“There you go. Have at it, boy, ask away.”
“Firstly, what part did you play in this latest tragedy? Did you kill a Skay and hide its body inside this satellite?”
I sniffed and drummed my fingers on the table. Watching me, the Nairb shifted itself about quizzically.
“What are you doing, human? Is that finger-tapping some kind of code?”
I laughed. “No sir, I’m refusing to answer.”
The Nairb stiffened and turned toward Turov. Good old Galina looked kind of upset—as in she appeared to need one of those spacer’s diapers I’d heard so much about.
“Is this being under your command?” the inspector asked her.
“Nominally, yes, Inspector.”
“Then command it to cooperate.”
Galina turned toward me. “James, I don’t know what your game is, but I hereby order you to confess your individual and entirely non-Earth-related criminal actions to the inspector.”
I sniffed again, and lifted one hand to inspect my glove. It was frayed at the thumb, so I tucked in some of the threads. I took my time doing it, too.
“James…” Galina said, her voice taking on a hard and desperate edge. “Talk to the nice Nairb, please.”
“Why should I?” I demanded. “I mean, I’m already as good
as dead. What’s my incentive to help this alien do anything?”
The Nairb shifted around and flapped his flippers in astonishment. “How grotesquely ill-mannered this beast is! How have you tolerated its continued existence up until this late date?”
“I ask myself that quite often,” Galina said, and then she turned back to me. “Bargaining, eh? I see. Let me put it to you this way, McGill: You are a criminal. You must be punished—but maybe your punishment could be in some way lessened. Perhaps, just possibly, the nice inspector will ease up on the level of shared guilt involved here—”
“No!” interrupted the Nairb. “There will be no reduction in the punishment, or in the scope of the suffering!”
I threw my hands high. “You see?” I asked Galina. “What’s the point? Why help this nasty green blob? We’re screwed anyway. Let him figure out what happened to the Skay. Let him replicate all our research, and if he gets one iota wrong, let him explain that to his masters back on Trantor.”
“What possible details—?” blurted the Nairb.
I rounded on him next. “This mess is all yours now, Mr. Nairb. It’s your baby. You can blow us up, and then you can explain the dead Skay to your Mogwa overlords any way you want to.”
“I don’t find this scenario enticing.”
“Neither do I.” I went off into a rumbling laugh. “I’m sorry, it’s rude to laugh at the misfortunes of others, but I’m thinking about all the burnings and beatings you’re going to enjoy after we’re gone. Just think what your underlings will say—if any of them survive, that is. ‘What a fool. He took his best and only alibi and erased it. He might as well have killed and buried that Skay himself.’”
“Alibi? I think you’re confused, human. I require no alibi. I’m not the guilty party here.”
“You sure are! You were charged to come out here and investigate the dead Skay. That’s your job, snot-bag! You’re not supposed to be here for some personal witch-hunt. When they figure out you blew your mission to indulge yourself in vindictive fantasies, why, they’ll fry you like bacon!”
The Nairb looked confused, but he also looked worried. I’d called his bluff, and he didn’t know what to do.
The trouble with Galactics from the Core was their insufferable arrogance. They were accustomed to roll-over-and-play-dead type aliens. They usually ruled over everyone, and no one ever challenged them. Certainly no one lower on the food-chain than they were would dare. That all changed when they met up with one ornery human named McGill.
“Perhaps torment will alleviate this situation,” the Nairb suggested. “After a taste of real punishment, you’ll be induced to explain your role in harming this Skay, and confess your other sins. Afterward, as a reward, you will be provided with a clean, painless death. Are you amenable to this approach, creature?”
I crossed my arms and shook my head. “To be honest with you, I’m not that impressed by torture. I have to warn you, I’ve been tormented to death more times than I can count. You’ll get nothing that way—except maybe some lying. I do like to do some lying, when I’m pressed to it.”
The Nairb looked to Turov in alarm. “Is this true?”
She nodded. “That is definitely true.”
“What an obstinate animal. What will entice you to cooperate, McGill-creature?”
At long last, my face broadened into a smile. The Nairb was coming around. He’d finally gotten the picture. He wasn’t the one in charge—not until he got his investigation of the Skay all figured out.
I crooked my finger at him. “This way, Mr. Nairb. Come with me—and bring that delegation of barking seals with you. I’ll show you all what we know and why we know it.”
Suspicious, but also curious, the Nairbs waddled and humped their way after me. Galina followed along, looking no less reluctant than the Nairbs. She sidled up to me, passing the pack of aliens in the passages. This wasn’t difficult to do, as they moved slower than a herd of fatties in a donut shop.
“McGill,” she hissed when she got close. “What are you up to? You can’t show them our casting device! It’s not even legal!”
I paused and gazed down at her. “Do you want me to do it now, or later?”
“Do what?”
“Kill them. Kill them all. That’s the only other option.”
“No, damn you! I want you to make up some elaborate lie and get them to believe it.”
“Hmm…” I said, starting to walk again. “That’s not so easy. This Nairb knows me real well. You noticed that, didn’t you? How can I get him to believe anything I say?”
“You’re supposed to be some kind of masterful liar.”
“That I am, but lying to a nasty critter like our dear Inspector, here, isn’t so easy. He’s naturally suspicious, and anything I say will be suspect.”
“Well then, what are you doing? Why take them down to—?”
“Sir, I’m cooperating. He’ll believe what he sees. It won’t be me telling him, it will be his own eyes and ears—if they’ve got ears.”
Utterly dissatisfied with my answers, Galina didn’t seem to be able to come up with a better idea. What she did was step aside and make some very urgent calls on her tapper. In the meantime, I led the Nairb delegation down to the teleport room.
When we got there, I was in for a surprise. Some spacers were lifting and hauling away the casting couch, as I called it. In its place, they were setting up a pair of gateway posts. Etta herself was on the spot, fiddling with the posts and aligning them.
“Daddy? Are you going down there again?”
“I think so. Where do these posts lead to?”
“The guts of the Skay, you remember?”
“Uh… sure. But how did you get another set down there?”
She smiled. “Think about it. You can now carry objects with you while casting. We also have teleport suits, and valid coordinates to safe landing spots.”
“Oh… so you sent some flunky down there to set up the posts?”
She stood up and flicked at her own teleport harness. I hadn’t even noticed she’d had that on.
“Damnation, girl! Those things are dangerous.”’
“I made it back okay, Dad. We had all the recordings from your trip, and everything’s dead down there. I wasn’t in any danger. Now, let me calibrate these posts.”
The Nairbs were squawking and circling around me by this time. I looked around, but I didn’t see the governess they’d mentioned.
“Hey guys, did you forget to invite the lady Mogwa along? I figure she might like a look around in person.”
“She’s not a trusting individual. She’s still waiting in her ship.”
“Oh… well, her loss I guess. Let’s get started.”
The Nairbs barked and slapped the rock floor all around me. Their leader addressed me. “Human, what is the purpose of this delay?”
I pointed to Etta’s gateway posts. “You see this gateway here? We’re all going to take a look inside the Skay in person.”
At this suggestion, the Nairbs reared up a little in alarm, reminding me of a herd of caterpillars. “Why would we consent to such a thing?”
“In order to be sure, of course. Are you really going to take my word for anything at this point? Of course not. I might be lying—and I probably am. But, if you can verify my story with your own personal orbs, you can rest assured it’s true.”
The flapping Nairbs circled around, sniffing, clicking and barking about the gateway in their own language.
“What are they saying?” I asked a translating girl.
“They’re questioning their own sanity at trusting advanced human technology.”
“Ah, right. Tell them we bought these on the open market.”
It took a few minutes, plus a few demonstrations where I walked back and forth between the posts to show them I wasn’t killed or nothing. Finally, their brave leader tried the posts. He came back humping through the posts again in a hurry.
“That is a most inhospitable environment!�
�
“Sure is. Now, if you’ll kindly follow me, I’ll give you boys the full nickel tour.”
Still complaining and crowding around, they followed me into the gateway. One by one, their bodies vanished between the two glowing posts. Each transmission caused a flash of light and a crackling sound that always reminded me of one of those really big bug-zappers.
-18-
We’d made a few smart changes since my last foray into the depths of the Skay’s guts. Instead of arriving at the Mogwa landing ship, for example, we arrived close to the cooling tower.
There, laid out around us by the thousands, were the dead and desiccated corpses of two armies. Both the Skay constructs and the Mogwa soldiers immediately captured the attention of the investigation team. They chattered and used instruments that I couldn’t even identify to record and relay all their findings back to their ship.
I wondered who was receiving all that data. I rather suspected it was the Mogwa in charge. So far, she hadn’t dared to show her nose among humans. That was extremely wise of her, and it spoke of a deep knowledge of me and my kind.
The Nairbs, on the other hand, soon lost their natural fear and disgust at being surrounded by two armies of the dead. They flapped and squawked, humping from one horrific scene of carnage to the next.
“Hey, uh…” I said. “If you don’t mind my asking, what’s so exciting, Inspector?”
The lead Nairb turned in my direction. “The nature of the find is unexpected. We’d understood there would be a dead Skay—but there are so many Mogwa here as well. That changes matters entirely.”
“How so?”
“Initially, we’d planned to lay claim to this vessel on the basis of salvage rights. That would allow us to tow the ship to one of our home ports and dissect it in detail. Even though the ship is extremely old, the technological capabilities of the ship aren’t all that different than those of a modern Skay. They rarely make technological advances.”
“Why’s that?”
“The Skay are inferior. They’re AI-driven, and thus relatively unable to grasp the power of scientific method and advancement.”
