Man Crush Monday

by Kirsty Moseley

“The guy I fell in love with isn’t the guy I’m dating.” My words come out husky and broken from all the crying.

  “What do you mean?” Nanna asks.

  Mum and Nanna exchange a confused glance before Mum tilts her head, looking at me so I can tell she’s trying to get a read on the situation.

  “Let’s go sit down. Amy, you need to calm down, sweetheart. I can feel you trembling. Take a few deep breaths,” Mum suggests.

  I allow myself to be led to the table, and I sink down on one of the plush chairs, catching Puzzle as he makes a leap for my lap.

  “Now then, what’s this all about?” Mum asks, softly stroking my knee.

  I snuggle my face into Puzzle’s neck and absentmindedly stroke him. “I went to the party last night at Jared’s parents’ house. His brother, Theo, turned up a bit late, and when he walked in, I found out that he and Jared are twins! Almost-identical twins.” I look around with wide eyes, expecting gasps of horror, but judging by the blank looks they’re giving me, they haven’t gotten it. I gulp. “Theo is the one from the train, not Jared.”

  That does it. The penny drops.

  Mum’s eyebrows shoot up into her hairline as she sits back in her chair, her breath coming out in one long gust.

  Nanna clicks her tongue and points at me excitedly. “Gemini! I told you I got some Gemini vibes, didn’t I? I thought it was a star sign I was feeling, but Gemini is twins. Ha! Called it.” A smug smile creeps on her face as she looks from me to Mum and back again, not understanding the importance of the information. I press my lips together and watch the realisation slowly settle over her face, and her smile falters. “Wait, the twin brother is the one from the train?”

  I nod, swiping at the tear that falls down my cheek.

  “Oh,” Mum sighs, slowly shaking her head. “Well, this is a mess. So, you really did meet Jared in that coffee shop?”

  My head is aching from all the crying, so I reach up and massage my forehead with one hand. “Yeah. And it gets worse.” My voice is almost a whisper now. “I kissed Theo.”

  Mum gasps. “Amy! What were you thinking? I’ve never known you to cheat before. What is this all about?”

  Her reprimand along with her scowl of disapproval make my stomach hurt. I’ve not seen her this disappointed in me since I got in trouble with the police for accidentally kicking a football into a neighbour’s greenhouse and running away. I was eight at the time.

  I adamantly shake my head. “I didn’t know it was him. I thought the guy on the train was Jared. I kissed him a couple of weeks ago, but it turns out, it was Theo. I didn’t even know he existed at the time. I thought they were the same person.”

  Does that make it better, more acceptable? I think so, but I’m not sure.

  “Was it a good kiss?” Nanna asks.

  Mum scoffs and turns her disapproval to Nanna, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

  Nanna shrugs. “I’m just asking.”

  Mum sighs and rolls her eyes. “Amy, sweetheart, I don’t think this will ruin things. You could just explain to Jared, tell him the truth that you accidentally kissed his brother and that you thought it was him. Obviously, he might be a bit upset about it at first, but he’ll be fine. It was an accident. And it’s half his fault if he didn’t tell you he had an identical twin out there.”

  She still isn’t seeing the big picture.

  I can barely look at her, so I look down at the dog’s back as I speak, “Mum, I fell in love with the guy on the train months before I even met Jared. It isn’t Jared that I fell for; it’s his twin.”

  The silence is deafening. Even my nanna, who I’ve never seen lost for words, is mute.

  I clear my throat. “Everything is ruined.” My voice breaks as I say it, my tears are back in full force, my body racked with sobs.

  Mum reaches out, placing her hand over mine, squeezing supportively. “So, you’re telling me, it’s Theo that you’re in love with, not Jared?”

  I scrunch my eyes shut. “I don’t know. I really don’t know. I fell in love with him on the train; I can put my hand on my heart and tell you that I did. Theo is literally everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy. He’s funny and dorky, nerdy and outgoing. We’re a perfect match.” I swallow my emotion and chew on the inside of my cheek before I finish, “But being with Jared for the last few weeks has been amazing.”

  Mum nods. “But Jared isn’t your type.”

  “You know he’s not. You said so yourself last week.”

  Memories of her but spring to mind. Even she saw it when I didn’t. I think about Jared now—shy, quiet, businesslike, serious. There is not a single thing we have in common.

  “Jared is amazing. I adore him; I really do.” That is the truth. Every time I think of him, my insides flutter, and my skin prickles with sensation.

  Nanna cocks her head, intently looking at me. “But it’s Theo you want.”

  “I don’t know what I want. All I know is that I fell in love with the guy who collects Marvel statues, does magic tricks, and chats with people on the train. That guy isn’t Jared.”

  Nanna stands. “I’m going to make some tea. I’ll put a dash of whiskey in yours; it’ll calm your nerves.”

  I watch as she walks off towards the house.

  Mum is chewing on her nails, thinking, her eyes firmly latched on me. “Okay, let’s look at this from another angle,” she says. “Pretend you hadn’t even met the guy on the train, so you’re not already in love with him. You meet a hot guy in a coffee shop, and he asks you out. Would you have said yes?”

  I think. I really try to put myself in that situation. But I just can’t because I don’t know what I would have done because I did know him before, and I was already in love with him. I shrug in answer.

  Mum continues, “Okay, so think back to your dinner date. Did he do enough—that guy you went on the date with—for you to want to go on a second date with him? Would you have noticed on that date that you had nothing in common and just called it a day then? Did you let things slide because of what you thought you already knew? If you’d met him on a night out—straight, dependable, quiet Jared—would you have gone on a second date with him?”

  My head is swimming with all her questions. I put my hands in my hair and want to scream. “I don’t know, Mum. That’s the problem I’m having. This is just horrible.”

  Would I have even given Jared a second look if I hadn’t known him from the train? I don’t know the answer. That’s what’s tearing me apart.

  She leans forward, wrapping her arms around me, gently rocking me like she used to when I was a child. “Sweetheart, I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself here. You need to try and separate what you felt and when you felt it, so you can work out who you feel it for.” She strokes the back of my head. “I will say this, I’ve never known you to stray outside your type. You always go for the weird, nerdy guys. Always. When I’ve met your boyfriends before, I always knew what to expect before they even walked through the door. A loud, chatty male version of you. Jared is … not that.”

  I nod in understanding. He definitely isn’t that.

  She continues, “But it doesn’t mean that you and Jared aren’t suited though. After all, opposites attract. And if you think about it, these nerdy guys you always go for … where are they now if they’re so right for you?”

  I blink up at her hopefully.

  “Chemistry. That’s what matters. And I saw that between you and Jared.”

  I nod. I know the chemistry is there. “But is the chemistry there because I was already in love with him before I even met him?” I sniff and wipe my nose on the sleeve of my jumper in a very unladylike fashion as Nanna comes back and sets down a tray of tea on the table. “Now that I’ve met Theo, he’s everything I thought he would be. He’s extravagant and quirky, funny, loud, confident.” My mind flicks to him dancing with Carys, how carefree and silly they were. “He’s ridiculous.” I roll my eyes and smile. “He’s exactly what I thought my crush would
be like, but then I got with Jared and assumed I had just gotten him wrong. Now, I find out, all along, my crush is actually like that … and I’ve just been dating the wrong brother.”

  Nanna’s eyebrow arches, her hand stilling midway through pouring out milk. “Dating the wrong brother?” She picks up on my words. “That’s a strong statement.”

  I groan and shake my head. “I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, Jared isn’t who I thought he was.”

  Mum cocks her head to the side and looks at me. Her eyes boring into mine. “Really? Because for a second there, it sounded like you were insinuating that you should be or want to be with the brother.”

  I open and close my mouth, but nothing comes out.

  Her eyes widen fractionally, and her lips press into a thin line.

  “I don’t know what I want. I’m so confused; I don’t even know which way is up right now.” I drop my head back on my shoulders and stare at the sky, wishing my head would stop pounding. “Our whole relationship was built under false pretences. He isn’t who I thought he was when we first met in that coffee shop. I mean, should we even be together? I don’t know. I don’t know how much of the love I feel for him is actually for the carbon-copy version I fell for on those train rides and how much of it is from the guy I’ve been getting close to for six weeks. How do I know?” I ask, pleading with them for help.

  I just need someone to help me split the two apart, so I can formulate my feelings. At the moment, they’re so jumbled; it’s like there’s still one person. Oh, why couldn’t they just be the one person? Someone up there hates me.

  Nanna passes me a steaming cup of tea, and I wrap my hands around it gratefully. “Can you pinpoint when you fell in love?”

  I nod emphatically. “Clear as day. The magic trick on the train. It was four months ago. Two and a half months before I even bumped into Jared at the coffee shop.”

  Mum presses her lips together, and I can tell she’s disappointed in my answer. She likes Jared more than I realised.

  Nanna nods. “Okay. On another note, has the brother made any indications that he’s interested in you? Did he remember you from the train?”

  “Yeah,” I croak, my eyes burning with tears again as I think about mine and Theo’s conversation in the kitchen this morning. “Turns out, he liked me, too, and was working up to asking me out.”

  “And do you fancy the brother?” Nanna checks.

  I close my eyes and think back to the kitchen, that split second where his arm brushed mine. I was physically attracted to him, yes. “Yeah, but …”

  She raises one eyebrow. “But?”

  I flick my eyes to Mum, seeing she’s gone quiet, reflective, just listening to my words and silently making judgement. My stomach constricts. “But they look exactly alike. I fancy the pants off Jared, so it surely means nothing that I’m attracted to his exact body double?”

  Nanna sips her tea, watching me over the rim, as Mum asks, “Question for you then. If they were both available, both wanted to be with you, and you could be with either of them with no consequences or hurt feelings, which would you choose? The nerdy one or the quiet one?”

  I can’t answer. That’s the exact thing I don’t know.

  Nanna answers for me, “Well, that’s hardly a fair question. She’s only spoken to this Theo properly, what, two, three times?”

  I nod.

  Nanna purses her lips. “Then, you need to get to know him. Make an informed choice,” she says.

  “I can’t do that to Jared.” I adamantly shake my head.

  I don’t want to hurt him. He doesn’t deserve any of this; neither of them does. My thoughts flash to Jared saying he was falling down the rabbit hole with me, that he loved me. Inside my head, I can hear those three spectacular words spoken in his voice, clear as day. My skin prickles, and my insides swirl with guilt and mortification. I am going to hurt him, I know it, and that thought makes me hate the very essence of myself even though none of this is really my fault.

  Mum blows out a big breath. “Here’s my advice.”

  I look up at her, waiting for her pearls of wisdom, praying she has something that can make this all right again—maybe a magic wand or some sort of spell?

  “You’ve always been an honest person. I think you should be truthful with Jared, tell him what’s happened. You’ve not cheated, and none of this is your fault. Maybe he’ll understand.”

  Nanna snorts indignantly, making Puzzle jerk in his sleep. “And maybe, when you tell him, he’ll run a mile, and the choice will be taken away from you. Maybe you won’t ever see him again.”

  I gasp, horrified. Her words are like a knife to the stomach. The mere suggestion of not seeing him is painful. My heart squeezes in my chest with grief at the thought of the loss of him. It doesn’t bear thinking about. I don’t know what I feel for whom, but I know that I don’t want to lose him. What if I could somehow work it out, pick them apart? What if it is Jared I am supposed to be with and I ruin everything with the truth?

  “When are you due to see one of them next?” Nanna asks.

  I swallow around the lump in my throat, tightly wrapping my arms around myself. “Tomorrow. Theo is due on my train.” My chin wobbles. My crush, not my boyfriend. Two separate entities.

  “And when are you seeing Jared?”

  I sniff, wincing as I take a swig of the spiked tea. “Not until Tuesday after work. He’s got a dinner meeting Monday night with clients.”

  Nanna nods. “You have a bit of time then. Talk to Theo tomorrow. If there’s nothing there between you, problem solved.”

  Mum raises one eyebrow. “And if there is?”

  “Problem doubled,” Nanna replies, looking at me as she squeezes my knee sympathetically.

  We lapse into silence, and I stare into my cup, wondering how all this got so messed up, so quickly. One minute, I’m floating on a cloud with an amazing boyfriend who has confessed he loves me. Next minute, I’m trying to cross traffic at rush hour, my heart in my mouth and my stomach twisted in knots.

  Suddenly, it hits me. I look over at Mum. “Crossroads. You saw it in the cards. You said I would have to choose a path.” I close my eyes and groan.

  Mum nods, and I can tell she already came to that conclusion a while ago while I was talking. “I don’t think there is a wrong choice here, sweetheart. You just have to work out what you want and then go for it.”

  “And not break anyone’s heart in the process,” I mutter, knowing it’s too late.

  My own heart is already splintered and fractured after this; it’s just a matter of damage limitation now.

  twenty.three

  I’ve barely slept for two days. My body aches with tiredness, my brain hurts with confusion, and my heart aches because it’s fundamentally broken.

  I’m not looking forward to today. I have the dreaded Monday blues that everyone else has but for good reason. Today, I will be seeing Theo on the train, and I don’t have the first clue what I’m going to say to him.

  I spent the day yesterday talking with my mum and nanna and arrived home in the early evening none the wiser. After that, I called reinforcements, and Heather came over to talk me down too. She basically agreed with my family; it wasn’t my fault, but I needed to try and work out what I was feeling and for whom before it went any further with Jared.

  So, that’s what I’m going to attempt today. I want to work out three things:

  1. If I am physically attracted to Theo.

  2. If we have better chemistry than I do with Jared.

  3. If I am with Jared because I thought he was Theo, or did I, somewhere along the line, fall in love with Jared for himself?

  I don’t know how I’m going to work out those things. I’m just going to have to wing it. My nanna suggested just simply getting to know Theo a little more, so that is as good a place to start than any. A harmless chat to see if it sheds any light on the situation.

  When I see him rushing towards the train, my heart sinks. He looks great
in a black suit with a Thanks for the memories Stan Lee T-shirt underneath—so different to Jared’s usual tailored splendour.

  I realise then that this is going to be harder than I thought to decipher. I hate that I think he’s cute when I see him. I was hoping to see him and for it all to be clear one way or the other. But them looking identical makes the physically attractive point impossible. Of course I think he’s hot. I think Jared is hotter than wasabi-coated peanuts, so it’s a no-brainer that I fancy Theo too.

  As I somehow knew he would be, Theo is late and barely makes it aboard and in his seat before the doors close.

  As the train departs, I take a few deep breaths, trying to prepare myself as I begin my job, collecting tickets and working my way through the train.

  My feet falter as I step over the threshold of the refreshments carriage. My eyes widen, and my palms grow damp with sweat. Theo is in there, leaning casually against the counter as he waits for his drink to be made. Elaine, the barista, bustles around, chatting over her shoulder while he nods along and throws her smiles. I stop, watching the exchange, noticing again how free Theo is with his smiles; he hands them out like they’re flyers to a circus. So different to Jared, who is more serious. His smiles are earned and meaningful.

  My stomach is churning with anxiety. I long to just run away, to jump off the train to avoid this conversation and situation, but I know I can’t. This isn’t just going to blow over or go away if I ignore it long enough. Unfortunately, I have to face this one head-on, and I’m the only one who can make up my own mind.

  Before I can work out what my opening greeting should be, Theo looks over his shoulder and spots me. “Hey, Amy. How are you?” He smiles his thanks at Elaine as she puts his drink down on the counter, next to a Kit Kat.

  “Hi. I’m good. How about you?”

  He shrugs one shoulder and pulls the lid from his tea, adding a couple of sugar packets. “I’m okay. Tired. I had to pull another all-nighter for work.” He reaches up a hand and covers his mouth as he yawns.

  I nod a greeting at Elaine as I step to Theo’s side, acutely conscious that she’s listening. Elaine is the one you go to for train gossip; she hears all the juicy stories in the refreshments cart. I don’t want to give her any ammunition on me.