Man Crush Monday

by Kirsty Moseley

  “And did you get your drawings done?”

  “Illustrations,” he corrects. “It makes what I do sound more professional and less of a job I took just because I can work in my pyjamas and I’m too lazy to work a full day,” he jokes. I chuckle. “But no, I didn’t. It’ll be okay though. I’ll ask for an extension at the meeting today. They love me there, so it’ll be fine, I’m sure.”

  “Ah, fingers crossed.”

  He nods and waves a hand at the counter full of confectionery and snacks. “Can I get you anything?”

  “No, thanks.”

  He picks up his drink, and we both walk towards the door.

  “So, are you okay, really? You kind of ran off a bit sharpish yesterday morning. Jared was sulking all day; he’s worried something happened at the party. He asked if maybe someone had said something to upset you. He said you had a headache and were a bit off when you went to bed, and then you ran off in the morning.” He looks at me from the side of his eye, watching for my reaction.

  A lump forms in my throat, and I will myself not to cry. I hate that Jared’s worried about this. It makes the guilt intensify. “Ah, yeah, everything’s fine. I just forgot I was supposed to go to my mum’s; that’s all,” I lie. “I’ll speak to him later on.”

  I deliberately didn’t call him last night. He’d texted to check in and asked me to call when I was free, but I was still in a state, and by the time Heather left, all I wanted to do was curl into my bed and sleep. So, instead of calling him, I just sent him a message, saying I’d only just seen his messages and I was now in bed. I felt awful, fobbing him off like that, but I didn’t know what to say to him. Ignoring the issue was the easier option.

  As we step into the next busy carriage together, Theo smiles, and I reach down to my ticket machine.

  “I’d better let you get on.” He winks at me before heading off, through into the next carriage.

  Through the glass in the door, I see him flop into his seat at the table at the very end. He will be my last passenger. I silently wonder if he’s done it deliberately.

  I try to keep my eyes averted from him as I serve the other passengers, but it’s hard. It’s like they’re magnets; they keep swinging back to him, watching him as he scribbles in his notebook, a look of deep concentration on his face.

  By the time I work my way through the two carriages and get to his side, he’s drawn a beautiful sketch of a dragon.

  My eyes widen in appreciation. “Wow, that’s amazing.”

  He grins up at me and shrugs as if it’s nothing. “Forgot my book today, so I’ve gotta amuse myself somehow.”

  It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask what he’s currently reading. But I don’t.

  “Got your ticket?” I ask instead.

  He nods and produces his prepurchased ticket from his pocket, as usual. He clears his throat, shifting in his seat, his eyes on the table as he asks, “So, if I wanted to get the last train home from London before you finish your shift, which one would I have to get?”

  “Um … the 3:12 is always my last train.” My hands fumble with his ticket as I hand it back, and I almost drop it.

  He nods thoughtfully. “Okay. I’ll see if I’m finished on time and if I can get that one. If I do, maybe we could go for coffee when you’ve finished your shift? Or are you seeing Jared after work?”

  I shake my head. “He’s having dinner with clients tonight.” I chew on my lip, my guilt hammering me like a battering ram.

  His eyes light up. “So, maybe then? I’m not sure I’ll be able to get there on time though. It depends on how long my meeting goes on for. But if I’m done on time, we could go catch up, get to know each other a little better?”

  That is exactly what Nanna suggested. Maybe it’s fate, but my guilt at the situation doesn’t fade one bit. “Okay.” My answer comes out stilted, and I shuffle my feet and fiddle with my machine to cover my awkwardness and unease at the situation.

  “Great. Maybe I’ll see you later then.”

  I wave over my shoulder as I walk off. I can’t decide if I hope he makes it onto my last train or not.

  I spend the rest of the day worrying about it. Ninety-nine percent of me wants him to miss the train, but that one percent …

  It’s so busy on the afternoon train that I don’t actually see him board, and I’m quietly pleased about it. Well, ninety-nine percent of me is.

  I’m happily going about my duties when I spot him. He’s in the last carriage, crammed in among the standing commuters. He grins over at me as I check people’s tickets.

  My stomach clenches, and I’m not sure if it’s from happiness or horror.

  I force a smile and talk to him over someone’s shoulder as I check the tickets for the standing passengers. “Hey, you made it then?” Stupid Question of the Day award goes to …

  He nods and passes me his ticket. “Just. Had to run all the way here from my meeting.”

  He wipes a hand across his forehead and flicks fake sweat as he blows out a breath. I can’t help but laugh.

  “Still up for that coffee? Would seem rude to jilt me after I just ran all the way here. Despite appearances to the contrary, I’m not actually fit at all, so I hope you appreciate the effort.”

  I see people side-eyeing us, watching this play out with interest.

  I nod and shrug. “Sure. I need to just finish up, and once we pull in, I need to go sign out and drop off my machinery. I’ll meet you out front after a few minutes?”

  “Sure, Amy.”

  By the time I’m done and ready to leave for the day, he’s already standing at the front entrance. He’s leaning against the wall, on his phone again. As I approach, I see he’s playing Wizards Unite, completely consumed by the game. The goofy grin slips onto my face as I sneak up beside him and glance over at his phone.

  “Wow, I’d use a potion before it departs.”

  He jumps and laughs as he rakes a hand through his hair. He turns the phone around to me and raises one eyebrow. “You catch it. I’ve tried three times already today and not managed it. I’m jinxed.”

  I grin, and we begin to walk, me tracing the swirly pattern on his phone to catch the confoundable and him watching where we walk and tugging me out of the way when I almost trip over someone’s suitcase. When I’ve caught it, I whoop triumphantly, and he gives me a high five before slipping his phone back into his pocket.

  “So, how was your meeting? Get your extension?” I ask as I follow obediently along at his side as he walks down the road.

  He nods. “Yeah, I got another week. I’ll meet with them again next Monday now.”

  My body twitches. I’ll see him again in a week instead of two. I’m not sure if it’s excitement or trepidation that I feel swell in my stomach.

  As we approach the café, I grind my teeth. It’s the same one I met Jared in for the first time when I thought all the stars had aligned and I’d actually just spoken to my crush for the first time. Now, I’m here with my real crush … my boyfriend’s brother. This is so awkward that a ball of anxiety forms in my stomach, making me feel slightly sick.

  Theo reaches for the door, pulling it open and gesturing for me to go inside first. The café is half-full, warm, and noisy. I look around, hoping I don’t know anyone, and to my relief, none of the baristas who know me are working. I usually make my trips here in the morning, so the evening staff is probably always different.

  “What do you want? You go grab a table, and it’s my treat,” Theo offers, unbuttoning his suit jacket.

  My eyes flick down to his T-shirt. I love it. I want it for myself. My mind is already comparing him in the T-shirt to Jared in his fitted, pressed shirts that he has laundered at the dry cleaners.

  “Um … I’ll have a caramel coffee cooler with cream, please.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “In this weather?”

  My mouth drops open in fake indignation. “I’m taking that as a personal attack.”

  He laughs, and his eyes sparkle with amusement.
“You’re ridiculous. Go sit down.”

  He motions to an empty table that’s secluded and off to one side. It’s the kind of table you choose when you’re on a date and want to talk privately. I nod and walk off, deliberately choosing a different table that’s more central and closer to other people. Yes, I need to get to know him, but that doesn’t mean I have to get cosy with him in a private booth.

  As he stands in the queue to order, I pull out my phone, seeing a text from Heather. It’s basically a moral support pep talk. I messaged her earlier that Theo had asked me for coffee. She is now just telling me to relax, just see how it plays out, and to try to notice the things I claim made me fall for him in the first place, so I can make an informed decision.

  After a few minutes, Theo walks over, carrying a tray. I smile and push my phone back into my pocket as he sits opposite me and slides the tray onto the table.

  I look down at it and notice he’s also bought chocolate pastries. My mouth waters at the sight of it. He nudges a plate towards me, and I smile gratefully.

  I watch as he rips open three packets of sugar and dumps them into his hot chocolate, stirring absentmindedly. It’s weird, watching him eat sugar and cake. It’s like I’m watching Jared do something I’ve never seen him do before.

  He catches me staring and raises one eyebrow. “Don’t judge me. You with your caramel cooler and cream. Hypocrite.” He laughs and takes a bite of his pastry, shrugging nonchalantly. “My mum once said my blood type is maple syrup.”

  I laugh. I can imagine Deborah saying that.

  “Not like Jared’s. His is the tears of his employees,” he jokes.

  I feel a squeeze of my heart at the mention of Jared. An awkward silence descends over us, and I begin to wish I hadn’t agreed to come. Yes, I need to see if there is something here, but sitting at this table with him feels a little like cheating. It makes me uneasy. From the outside, it looks innocent. But it’s not innocent when, every spare second, I’m comparing him to my boyfriend to see if I’m more suited to this brother or the other.

  As he looks down at his drink, my eyes wander over him. They latch on the little mole on his cheek. The more I look at it, the more I realise how obvious it is that he wasn’t Jared. How did I not know? It looks so out of place there, under his right eye.

  “So, do you usually go for the strong, brooding type then?” Theo asks, eating cream from his drink with a spoon.

  I raise an eyebrow in question.

  He clarifies, “Strong, broody type. Like Jared.”

  “Is that how you’d describe him?” I chuckle.

  He nods and carefully blows on his drink. “Yeah, I mean, he has the resting bitch face nailed and everything.”

  I snort a laugh. “I’d call it a sexy smoulder.”

  “Oh, really?” He narrows his eyes at me, his jaw clenching in a moody, thoughtful expression, and it’s so Jared that my heart clenches.

  “I think yours needs more work,” I force out, looking down at the table because I can’t look at that face without guilt eating me up inside. “To answer your earlier question, no, I don’t usually go for the broody type. I usually pick the loser guy, the real nerdy one who lives at home with his mum still. My last boyfriend was everything Jared isn’t. He was a streamer.”

  “A streamer?”

  I nod. “Yep. He literally played video games for a living and streamed his plays online.”

  “Wow. Living the dream,” Theo jokes.

  I chuckle and nod. “What about you?”

  “I’m not a streamer, but now, I’m thinking a change in profession is in order.” He looks up at me, and his eyes twinkle with humour. “My tastes are kinda refined. I like fun girls who know who they are in life and aren’t afraid to show it. Like you. You’re a bit of me.”

  My face heats up at his words. I don’t know how to answer, so I just press my lips together and squirm on my seat. My mind is whirling a mile a minute. I don’t really like that he’s flirting with me—I’m his brother’s girlfriend—and while I technically met him first, it seems inappropriate. Though, I reason, maybe he isn’t even flirting. I could just be misunderstanding his friendliness for flirting. It’s obvious that I suck at reading this guy. I mean, I didn’t even notice he’d been hinting at us going out for months, so I can’t claim to be an expert on Theo Stone. Flirting could just be in his nature for all I know.

  He sighs deeply and continues, “You’re not like the girls Jared usually goes for.”

  “Your mum said that too,” I admit.

  “Oh, really? And is that why you’ve been avoiding him?”

  My mouth pops open. “I haven’t been avoiding him. I told you this morning, I forgot I’d agreed to go to my mum’s.” The lie burns my throat on the way out, and I try to hold eye contact to give it more merit, but I can tell he knows it’s not true.

  Eventually, he purses his lips. “Let’s change the subject. This is awkward.”

  I snort a laugh and nod. “You took the words right out of my mouth.”

  As his eyes drop down to my lips, my body goes rigid as my mind starts imagining things it shouldn’t—things like what he tastes like and how his body would feel pressed against mine. I silently wonder if I would like it more than when Jared is pressed against me.

  “Favourite movie ever?” I blurt the question, forcing my mind from distinctly naughtier places.

  That lightens the mood immediately, and we spend the next hour talking about comic books, movies, our favourite superheroes, and who would win in a fight—Wonder Woman or Captain Marvel. It’s nice, relaxed, chilled and fun. I find myself laughing a lot, and my cheeks ache from all the smiling by the time we’ve finished our second drink.

  “Maybe we should move on to somewhere else? A bar maybe, get a proper drink?” Theo suggests hopefully as the baristas start closing off sections of the café and tidying up around us in a clear message for us to get a move on.

  The twinkle in Theo’s eye makes my back straighten. This is fast beginning to feel like a date, and I don’t like it. I need to leave.

  I look obviously down at my watch and wince. “I can’t. I should actually make a move home.”

  A frown line appears between his eyebrows, but he nods in understanding. “That’s okay.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. “Here, stick your number in. Next time I’m at that comic book shop in London I told you about, I’ll text you to see if you want anything.”

  I take the phone, my thumbs hovering over the keypad, knowing that if I put my number in here, I’ll be stepping over a line. A line that will very likely end with Jared hurting.

  I swallow and put the phone back on the table. “Nah, it’s okay. I won’t want anything anyway.” I slide the phone back across the table in clear rejection, and I see the disappointment in his eyes as he picks it up and pockets it.

  “Okay.” He stands and politely smiles down at me.

  I stand, and we walk side by side out of the café. When my hand accidentally brushes against his, my face flames with heat, and I whip my arm away, wrapping my arms around myself, pretending it’s due to the change in temperature as we step into the chilly night air.

  “Well, this was really nice. We should do it again next time. Maybe next Monday—if my meeting doesn’t go on too long, that is,” he says, pursing his lips in question.

  “Yeah, maybe.” I shrug and give a half-nod.

  When he leans in and hugs me, I close my eyes and try to soak up every ounce of information and feeling that I can from it. I notice the tiny, subtle differences. It’s completely different to being hugged by Jared. The smell of him is different, the way he holds himself, the pressure of it. When Jared holds me against him, there’s affection that goes into it, like he doesn’t want to let go, versus Theo, who’s just hugging good-bye as friends. The discrepancies are small but stark. It’s startling and a little disorientating, and it makes my shame flare inside me again.

  When the hug breaks, his eyes shine down at
me, and I catch the obvious flick of his gaze to my lips. My breath catches in my throat as I realise he’s contemplating kissing me. I quickly pull back and laugh awkwardly, getting some personal space.

  “Well, thanks for the drink. I’d better get home,” I mumble, kicking the toe of my work shoe into the gap between the paving slab.

  Theo nods and steps back, too, his arms dropping down to his sides. “Yeah, see you next week then. If I don’t see you before, that is.”

  “Why would you see me before?” I ask, frowning in confusion.

  He laughs and reaches up to tousle his hair. “You know, if you come around with Jared or anything.”

  I blink. “Oh. Oh, right, yeah. Of course.”

  He bobs his head. “Well, see ya.” He waves and turns, walking up the road and glancing back over his shoulder, sending me another of those heartbreaking smiles.

  I feel the tears welling in my eyes as I turn and head back towards the station, so I can collect my bike. I’m absolutely none the wiser after that conversation. I think back to the three questions I set out answering this morning.

  1. Am I physically attracted to Theo?

  Answer: Yes. He is gorgeous, so of course, I am attracted to him. I didn’t melt when he smiled at me like with Jared, and my insides didn’t fizz with lust when he touched me or gave me the bedroom eyes—but that could be easily explained away. The guilt I’m feeling inside overrode everything. It’s possible that my guilt for the situation is preventing me from thinking about those things too deeply. Maybe, once I let it go, the lust would come, just like with Jared? After all, I only felt the instant attraction to Jared because of Theo’s personality on those train rides. Yes, I looked at Jared and was attracted to him when I met him in that café, but was that only because I was already attracted to Theo’s personality before that?

  2. Is there more chemistry with Theo than I have with Jared?

  Answer: Unsure. We certainly have more in common than I do with Jared. We’re into the same things, laugh at the same jokes, love the same movies. But does that equate to chemistry? I’m not sure.