The Provost

by John Galt

  After some generality of discourse concerning the inventions, whereonBailie Pirlet, who was naturally a gabby prick-me-dainty body, enlargedat great length, with all his well dockit words, as if they were onchandler's pins, pointing out here the utility of the legs to personsmaimed in the wars of their country, and showing forth there in whatmanner the punch-bowls were specimens of a new art that might in timesupplant both China and Staffordshire ware, and deducing therefrom thebenefits that would come out of it to the country at large, andespecially to the landed interest, in so much as the increased demandwhich it would cause for leather, would raise the value of hides, and perconsequence the price of black cattle--to all which Mr M'Queerie listenedwith a shrewd and a thirsty ear; and when the bailie had made an end ofhis paternoster, he proposed that I should make a filling of Geordie'sbowl, to try if it did not leak.

  "Indeed, Mr Pawkie," quo' he, "it will be a great credit to our town tohae had the merit o' producing sic a clever lad, who, as the bailie hasin a manner demonstrated, is ordained to bring about an augmentation o'trade by his punch-bowls, little short of what has been done wi' thesteam-engines. Geordie will be to us what James Watt is to the ettlingtown of Greenook, so we can do no less than drink prosperity to hisendeavours."

  I did not much like this bantering of Mr M'Queerie, for I saw it madeGeordie's face grow red, and it was not what he had deserved; so torepress it, and to encourage the poor lad, I said, "Come, come,neighbour, none of your wipes--what Geordie has done, is but arles ofwhat he may do."

  "That's no to be debated," replied Mr M'Queerie, "for he has shownalready that he can make very good legs and arms; and I'm sure I shouldnabe surprised were he in time to make heads as good as a bailie's."

  I never saw any mortal man look as that pernickity personage, the bailie,did at this joke, but I suppressed my own feelings; while the bailie,like a bantam cock in a passion, stotted out of his chair with the spunkof a birslet pea, demanding of Mr M'Queerie an explanation of what hemeant by the insinuation. It was with great difficulty that I got himpacified; but unfortunately the joke was oure good to be forgotten, andwhen it was afterwards spread abroad, as it happened to take its birth inmy house, it was laid to my charge, and many a time was I obligated totell all about it, and how it couldna be meant for me, but had beenincurred by Bailie Pirlet's conceit of spinning out long perjinkspeeches.

  CHAPTER XXXII--THE TOWN DRUMMER

  Nor did I get every thing my own way, for I was often thwarted in mattersof small account, and suffered from them greater disturbance andmolestation than things of such little moment ought to have been allowedto produce within me; and I do not think that any thing happened in thewhole course of my public life, which gave me more vexation than what Ifelt in the last week of my second provostry.

  For many a year, one Robin Boss had been town drummer; he was a relic ofsome American-war fencibles, and was, to say the God's truth of him, adivor body, with no manner of conduct, saving a very earnest endeavour tofill himself fou as often as he could get the means; the consequence ofwhich was, that his face was as plooky as a curran' bun, and his nose asred as a partan's tae.

  One afternoon there was a need to send out a proclamation to abolish apractice that was growing into a custom, in some of the bye parts of thetown, of keeping swine at large--ordering them to be confined in properstyes, and other suitable places. As on all occasions when the matter tobe proclaimed was from the magistrates, Thomas, on this, was attended bythe town-officers in their Sunday garbs, and with their halberts in theirhands; but the abominable and irreverent creature was so drunk, that hewamblet to and fro over the drum, as if there had not been a bane in hisbody. He was seemingly as soople and as senseless as a bolster.--Still,as this was no new thing with him, it might have passed; for James Hound,the senior officer, was in the practice, when Robin was in that state, ofreading the proclamations himself.--On this occasion, however, Jameshappened to be absent on some hue and cry quest, and another of theofficers (I forget which) was appointed to perform for him. Robin,accustomed to James, no sooner heard the other man begin to read, than hebegan to curse and swear at him as an incapable nincompoop--animpertinent term that he was much addicted to. The grammar school was atthe time skailing, and the boys seeing the stramash, gathered round theofficer, and yelling and shouting, encouraged Robin more and more intorebellion, till at last they worked up his corruption to such a pitch,that he took the drum from about his neck, and made it fly like abombshell at the officer's head.

  The officers behaved very well, for they dragged Robin by the lug and thehorn to the tolbooth, and then came with their complaint to me. Seeinghow the authorities had been set at nought, and the necessity there wasof making an example, I forthwith ordered Robin to be cashiered from theservice of the town; and as so important a concern as a proclamationought not to be delayed, I likewise, upon the spot, ordered the officersto take a lad that had been also a drummer in a marching regiment, and gowith him to make the proclamation.

  Nothing could be done in a more earnest and zealous public spirit thanthis was done by me. But habit had begot in the town a partiality forthe drunken ne'er-do-well, Robin; and this just act of mine wasimmediately condemned as a daring stretch of arbitrary power; and theconsequence was, that when the council met next day, some sharp wordsflew from among us, as to my usurping an undue authority; and the thank Igot for my pains was the mortification to see the worthless body restoredto full power and dignity, with no other reward than an admonition tobehave better for the future. Now, I leave it to the unbiassed judgmentof posterity to determine if any public man could be more ungraciouslytreated by his colleagues than I was on this occasion. But, verily, thecouncil had their reward.

  CHAPTER XXXIII--AN ALARM

  The divor, Robin Boss, being, as I have recorded, reinstated in office,soon began to play his old tricks. In the course of the week after theMichaelmas term at which my second provostry ended, he was soinsupportably drunk that he fell head foremost into his drum, which costthe town five-and-twenty shillings for a new one--an accident that wasnot without some satisfaction to me; and I trow I was not sparing in myderisive commendations on the worth of such a public officer.Nevertheless, he was still kept on, some befriending him for compassion,and others as it were to spite me.

  But Robin's good behaviour did not end with breaking the drum, andcosting a new one.--In the course of the winter it was his custom tobeat, "Go to bed, Tom," about ten o'clock at night, and the reveille atfive in the morning.--In one of his drunken fits he made a mistake, andinstead of going his rounds as usual at ten o'clock, he had fallen asleepin a change house, and waking about the midnight hour in the terror ofsome whisky dream, he seized his drum, and running into the streets,began to strike the fire-beat in the most awful manner.

  It was a fine clear frosty moonlight, and the hollow sound of the drumresounded through the silent streets like thunder.--In a moment everybody was a-foot, and the cry of "Whar is't? whar's the fire?" was heardechoing from all sides.--Robin, quite unconscious that he alone was thecause of the alarm, still went along beating the dreadful summons. Iheard the noise and rose; but while I was drawing on my stockings, in thechair at the bed-head, and telling Mrs Pawkie to compose herself, for ourhouses were all insured, I suddenly recollected that Robin had the nightbefore neglected to go his rounds at ten o'clock as usual, and thethought came into my head that the alarm might be one of his inebriatedmistakes; so, instead of dressing myself any further, I went to thewindow, and looked out through the glass, without opening it, for, beingin my night clothes, I was afraid of taking cold.

  The street was as throng as on a market day, and every face in themoonlight was pale with fear.--Men and lads were running with theircoats, and carrying their breeches in their hands; wives and maidens wereall asking questions at one another, and even lasses were fleeing to andfro, like water nymphs with urns, having stoups and pails in theirhands.--There was swearing and tearing of men, hoarse with the rage ofimpatience, at th
e tolbooth, getting out the fire-engine from its stanceunder the stair; and loud and terrible afar off, and over all, came thepeal of alarm from drunken Robin's drum.

  I could scarcely keep my composity when I beheld and heard all this, forI was soon thoroughly persuaded of the fact. At last I saw DeaconGirdwood, the chief advocate and champion of Robin, passing down thecausey like a demented man, with a red nightcap, and his big-coat on--forsome had cried that the fire was in his yard.--"Deacon," cried I, openingthe window, forgetting in the jocularity of the moment the risk I ranfrom being so naked, "whar away sae fast, deacon?"

  The deacon stopped and said, "Is't out? is't out?"

  "Gang your ways home," quo' I very coolly, "for I hae a notion that a'this hobleshow's but the fume of a gill in your friend Robin's head."

  "It's no possible!" exclaimed the deacon.

  "Possible here or possible there, Mr Girdwood," quo' I, "it's oure cauldfor me to stand talking wi' you here; we'll learn the rights o't in themorning; so, good-night;" and with that I pulled down the window. Butscarcely had I done so, when a shout of laughter came gathering up thestreet, and soon after poor drunken Robin was brought along by the cuffof the neck, between two of the town-officers, one of them carrying hisdrum. The next day he was put out of office for ever, and folkrecollecting in what manner I had acted towards him before, the outcryabout my arbitrary power was forgotten in the blame that was heaped uponthose who had espoused Robin's cause against me.

  CHAPTER XXXIV--THE COUNTRY GENTRY

  For a long period of time, I had observed that there was a gradual mixingin of the country gentry among the town's folks. This was partly to beascribed to a necessity rising out of the French Revolution, whereby menof substance thought it an expedient policy to relax in their ancientmaxims of family pride and consequence; and partly to the great increaseand growth of wealth which the influx of trade caused throughout thekingdom, whereby the merchants were enabled to vie and ostentate evenwith the better sort of lairds. The effect of this, however, was lessprotuberant in our town than in many others which I might well name, andthe cause thereof lay mainly in our being more given to deal in the smallway; not that we lacked of traders possessed both of purse andperseverance; but we did not exactly lie in the thoroughfare of thosemighty masses of foreign commodities, the throughgoing of which left, touse the words of the old proverb, "goud in goupins" with all who had thehandling of the same. Nevertheless, we came in for our share of thecondescensions of the country gentry; and although there was nothing likea melting down of them among us, either by marrying or giving inmarriage, there was a communion that gave us some insight, no overly totheir advantage, as to the extent and measure of their capacities andtalents. In short, we discovered that they were vessels made of ordinaryhuman clay; so that, instead of our reverence for them being augmented bya freer intercourse, we thought less and less of them, until, poorbodies, the bit prideful lairdies were just looked down upon by ourgawsie big-bellied burgesses, not a few of whom had heritable bonds ontheir estates. But in this I am speaking of the change when it had cometo a full head; for in verity it must be allowed that when the countrygentry, with their families, began to intromit among us, we could notmake enough of them. Indeed, we were deaved about the affability of oldcrabbit Bodle of Bodletonbrae, and his sister, Miss Jenny, when theyfavoured us with their company at the first inspection ball. I'll ne'erforgot that occasion; for being then in my second provostry, I had, incourse of nature, been appointed a deputy lord-lieutenant, and the town-council entertaining the inspecting officers, and the officers of thevolunteers, it fell as a duty incumbent on me to be the director of theball afterwards, and to the which I sent an invitation to the laird andhis sister little hoping or expecting they would come. But the laird,likewise being a deputy lord-lieutenant, he accepted the invitation, andcame with his sister in all the state of pedigree in their power. Such aprodigy of old-fashioned grandeur as Miss Jenny was!--but neither shopnor mantuamaker of our day and generation had been the better o't. Shewas just, as some of the young lasses said, like Clarissa Harlowe, in thecuts and copperplates of Mrs Rickerton's set of the book, and an olderand more curious set than Mrs Rickerton's was not in the whole town;indeed, for that matter, I believe it was the only one among us, and ithad edified, as Mr Binder the bookseller used to say, at least threesuccessive generations of young ladies, for he had himself given it twicenew covers. We had, however, not then any circulating library. But forall her antiquity and lappets, it is not to be supposed what respect anddeference Miss Jenny and her brother, the laird, received--nor the smallpraise that came to my share, for having had the spirit to invite them.The ball was spoken of as the genteelest in the memory of man, althoughto my certain knowledge, on account of the volunteers, some were therethat never thought to mess or mell in the same chamber with Bodletonbraeand his sister, Miss Jenny.

  CHAPTER XXXV--TESTS OF SUCCESS

  Intending these notations for the instruction of posterity, it would notbe altogether becoming of me to speak of the domestic effects which manyof the things that I have herein jotted down had in my own family. Ifeel myself, however, constrained in spirit to lift aside a small bit ofthe private curtain, just to show how Mrs Pawkie comported herself in theprogressive vicissitudes of our prosperity, in the act and doing of whichI do not wish to throw any slight on her feminine qualities; for, tospeak of her as she deserves at my hand, she has been a most excellentwife, and a decent woman, and had aye a ruth and ready hand for theneedful. Still, to say the truth, she is not without a few littleweaknesses like her neighbours, and the ill-less vanity of being thoughtfar ben with the great is among others of her harmless frailities.

  Soon after the inspection ball before spoken of, she said to me that itwould be a great benefit and advantage to our family if we could getBodletonbrae and his sister, and some of the other country gentry, todine with us. I was not very clear about how the benefit was to come tobook, for the outlay I thought as likely o'ergang the profit; at the sametime, not wishing to baulk Mrs Pawkie of a ploy on which I saw her mindwas bent, I gave my consent to her and my daughters to send out thecards, and make the necessary preparations. But herein I should not takecredit to myself for more of the virtue of humility than was my due;therefore I open the door of my secret heart so far ajee, as to let thereader discern that I was content to hear our invitations were allaccepted.

  Of the specialities and dainties of the banquet prepared, it is notfitting that I should treat in any more particular manner, than to saythey were the best that could be had, and that our guests were allmightily well pleased. Indeed, my wife was out of the body withexultation when Mrs Auchans of that Ilk begged that she would let herhave a copy of the directions she had followed in making a flummery,which the whole company declared was most excellent. This compliment wasthe more pleasant, as Lady Auchans was well known for her skill insavoury contrivances, and to have anything new to her of the sort was atriumph beyond our most sanguine expectations. In a word, from that daywe found that we had taken, as it were, a step above the common in thetown. There were, no doubt, some who envied our good fortune; but, uponthe whole, the community at large were pleased to see the considerationin which their chief magistrate was held. It reflected down, as it were,upon themselves a glaik of the sunshine that shone upon us; and althoughit may be a light thing, as it is seemingly a vain one, to me to say, Iam now pretty much of Mrs Pawkie's opinion, that our cultivation of anintercourse with the country gentry was, in the end, a benefit to ourfamily, in so far as it obtained, both for my sons and daughters, adegree of countenance that otherwise could hardly have been expected fromtheir connexions and fortune, even though I had been twice provost.

  CHAPTER XXXVI--RETRIBUTION

  But a sad accident shortly after happened, which had the effect of makingit as little pleasant to me to vex Mr Hickery with a joke about theTappit-hen, as it was to him. Widow Fenton, as I have soberly hinted;for it is not a subject to be openly spoken of, had many
ill-assorted andirregular characters among her customers; and a gang of play-actorscoming to the town, and getting leave to perform in Mr Dribble's barn,batches of the young lads, both gentle and semple, when the play wasover, used to adjourn to her house for pies and porter, the commoditiesin which she chiefly dealt. One night, when the deep tragedy of MaryQueen of Scots was the play, there was a great concourse of people at"The Theatre Royal," and the consequence was, that the Tappit-hen'shouse, both but and ben, was, at the conclusion, filled to overflowing.

  The actress that played Queen Elizabeth, was a little-worth termagantwoman, and, in addition to other laxities of conduct, was addicted to theimmorality of taking more than did her good, and when in her cups, shewould rant and ring fiercer than old Queen Elizabeth ever could doherself. Queen Mary's part was done by a bonny genty young lady, thatwas said to have run away from a boarding-school, and, by all accounts,she acted wonderful well. But she too was not altogether without a flaw,so that there was a division in the town between their admirers andvisiters; some maintaining, as I was told, that Mrs Beaufort, if shewould keep herself sober, was not only a finer woman, but more of a lady,and a better actress, than Miss Scarborough, while others considered heras a vulgar regimental virago.

  The play of Mary Queen of Scots, causing a great congregation of therival partizans of the two ladies to meet in the Tappit-hen's public,some contention took place about the merits of their respectivefavourites, and, from less to more, hands were raised, and blows given,and the trades'-lads, being as hot in their differences as the gentlemen,a dreadful riot ensued. Gillstoups, porter bottles, and penny pies flewlike balls and bomb-shells in battle. Mrs Fenton, with her mutch off,and her hair loose, with wide and wild arms, like a witch in a whirlwind,was seen trying to sunder the challengers, and the champions. Finding,however, her endeavours unavailing, and fearing that murder would becommitted, she ran like desperation into the streets, crying for help. Iwas just at the time stepping into my bed, when I heard the uproar, and,dressing myself again, I went out to the street; for the sound and din ofthe riot came raging through the silence of the midnight, like thetearing and swearing of the multitude at a house on fire, and I thoughtno less an accident could be the cause.