Against Reason

by Mer Williams

  I take a deep breath and attempt to shake off the hurt. Too bad it doesn’t work like that but I am determined to move on. “I guess that’s what it is then. Thanks for looking out for me. Also, I need something stronger than this.”

  “You are welcome. Us girls gotta watch out for one another, remember?” Shirley takes my glass and with a slow smile, she adds, “I need a drink too, Jack has been getting on my nerves lately but I think I want to stay single for a while. Like how some time ago a wise woman advised me to.”

  ***

  The following Monday, when I can’t help pretending with Ezra anymore, I decide to confront him. I am mostly encouraged by Christian actually. He has been sharing with me his weird encounters with clients and I must admit he is funny. He is a free spirit and we talk about anything and everything except his tendency to keep some part of him private.

  I feel like I have gained a new male friend, something I have not had in a long time. After Oliver, I wanted to be alone and the few guy friends I had were too busy making a living after college and we slowly drifted. I admit some tiny feelings maybe part of the reason why I bonded with Christian but its majorly because he is nice person all round.

  He has been a big help, giving me advice without being judgemental about my bullshit. I was tempted to confess about Ezra and seek his opinion because a guy's perspective would be more accurate but I figured it would be inappropriate. He could have real feelings for me for all I know. Instead, I asked him what he thought about who to trust when you learn the other side of someone from other people. This was his reply:

  I would ask him or her to set the record straight. In most cases, some bits of what you hear is the truth but one can only hope.

  So here I am, composing a paragraph and backspacing when I think I have written something stupid. I finally decide it’s for my own good and type:

  Hey, I need to ask you about Laura.

  He must be surprised by my straightforwardness because he replies after an hour.

  Which Laura?

  The chick you hook up with?

  I have to confess I am having fun interrogating Ezra over text. Were this a face to face conversation, I would have just told him to forget it.

  I don’t know what you are talking about

  Sure you don’t

  My reply is barely delivered on his end before my phone rings. The lying bastard is calling me to convince me I am crazy. Fantastic.

  “Hi Ezra.”

  “Hi Kate,” he says coolly. “ Listen, can I see you today?”

  “I am kinda busy, Ezra. It’s either you are sleeping with another girl or not. It’s that simple,” I retort.

  “I need to tell you something.” There is a pleading tone in his voice and I wonder how many girls he has lied to and got away with. “I can drive all the way to your place if you can spare me fifteen minutes of your time.”

  “Fifteen minutes.” With that, I hang up on him.

  I don’t bother to change out of my night clothes and open the door when he rings the bell thirty minutes later. It’s still ten in the morning and I figure he must have left work to come see me. I am ashamed that I am comforted by that thought.

  “I hope you have not come all the way here to tell me I am wrong because I know I am right.”I usher him in. He looks nervous and fidgets with his car keys. He is in grey sweatpants and a white T-shirt.

  “I drove here to tell you may have some facts wrong. I understand how this must look like and I am sorry.” Ezra says not meeting my eye.

  “You are just sorry I found out. I know your type, you are not fooling me,” I sigh.

  “No, I promise you have it all wrong. It’s true I hooked up with Laura and a few other girls but I have not spoken to her since I met you. Or either of the others for that matter. Kate, you are the first person I have cared about since my fiancée broke our engagement seven months ago. I like you, okay? It’s just that I was at a hard place when I met Laura.” He takes my hands in his and for a second I almost believe him.

  “Did you know Laura has a boyfriend?” I ask instead.

  He is quiet for a few seconds before he replies, “Yes. The first time I met her she made it clear she was not looking for something long term. She came clean about it.”

  “That’s all I needed to hear. I can’t be with someone like you. It’s clear to me you are not ready for a relationship and I can’t have you holding up the line.” I am quick to say before I can change my mind.

  “Did you hear what I said? I like you.” The surprise is evident on his face. He clearly believed that should be enough for me. I burst into an uncontrollable laughter until my insides ache. From my not so clear vision, I can see I have made Ezra uncomfortable. Serves him right.

  When I recover, I move two steps towards him and looking at him dead in the eye, I whisper, “that’s really sweet of you and I appreciate your honesty. Now, get the fuck out of my apartment.”

  “Come on, Kate. We can talk this through. I like you, you like me. We can work out.” He pleads and slowly squeezes my arms.

  “Get out,” I say and open the door wide open.

  Ezra gives me one final look and says he will give me time to calm down. When he is gone, I take a deep breath and get a glass of water. I lean on the kitchen sink for a several minutes and decide to play loud music to tone down my thoughts.

  In the afternoon, I call Shirley to get her perspective. I am certain Ezra was telling the truth but I am not sure if I will get my hurt in the process should things get tough and he decides to deal with them by sleeping with other women.

  “What can I do for you this fine afternoon, Miss Edwards?” My best friend must be in a good mood and I wish I didn’t have to bother her with my problems.

  “Someone is in a good mood. What’s the occasion?”I comment.

  “Well, I am getting a promotion and we got an update that Amelia quit. The best news I have heard since joining the firm,” Shirley says.

  “Wow, that’s good news, you bitch. Congratulations and its good riddance for that whore. When do we celebrate? I need a reason to get out of the house.” I am surprised that I am in the mood to party, it must be Shirley’s enthusiasm that is sometimes contagious.

  “Really? Funny of you to suggest that on a Monday. What’s up? You finally realized I am right about living our twenties to the fullest?” she laughs and suddenly I am not sure if I want to have this conversation with her right now. Maybe I just need a smoke.

  “Yes to the last question. And hey, can’t I just call to check on my best friend?”

  “No, you tell me what’s up. I have a few minutes to spare, I just got off a meeting. Spill.”

  “It’s Ezra.”I begin and proceed to tell her about his confession. “A part of me believes this is real. I want to give him a chance and at the same time I don’t want anything to do with him.”

  Shirley is silent for a few minutes and I am certain I have run out of my minutes. Her voice comes over, low but firm, “Kate, he is bad news. We even have proof.”

  “I don’t know, I think he was telling the truth. I can’t exactly criticize him for not dealing with heartbreak the wrong way when I have spent the past few months drinking to forget Oliver. That’s being a hypocrite.”

  “Yes, but you did not go such lengths as him. How do you even know if he stopped seeing these girls? I don’t trust him.” Shirley voices the very thought that has been dominating my mind all morning.

  “Shouldn’t love be all about taking risks? The feelings are not one sided, you know,” I argue and it sounds absurd, even to my own ears.

  Shirley is quiet again and I bet she is finding my points childish. “You amaze me, Kate. You are willing to have your heart broken by a guy like Ezra but wouldn’t give Oliver, the best of them all, a second chance? Do you have an idea how hard it has been to find a decent guy like your ex? I lost count of the number of times I have spent nursing a drink alone at a bar as I go over all the possible reasons why I am never enough. I don’t get you. What exactly are your priorities? Oh wait, you have none. That explains.”
>
  Her harsh words cut deep to the core and I don’t stop to choose my next statements carefully. “Is that so? Fine. Why don’t you go find Oliver and ask him to date if you think he is Mr. Perfect? I am not dating a man just because I think I am ripe for marriage, like you. Maybe that’s why men walk over you because they see your desperation. I am moving at my own pace. And yes, I do actually have priorities.”

  “Oh, what may those be, pray tell? Drink your sorrows? Smoke till your lungs can’t take it anymore? Behave like you are in college and have daddy dearest pay all your bills? Well, lucky you. Not all of us can afford that luxury,” Shirley laughs sarcastically.

  “Do you have a problem with me, lady? As far as I am concerned, this is my heart getting broken. I don’t see why you have to mock me.” We have never fought like this and I dare entertain the thought that it’s something bigger than Ezra.

  “Don’t flatter yourself. I am only trying to insert reality in your head and you are so adamant at making the worst decision of your love life. I am sorry but being nice to you only encourages you to surge forward.”

  “Sorry to rain on your parade but bringing up my weaknesses doesn’t cut it.” I say raising my voice.

  “Is that the appreciation I get for sharing my honest opinion on this matter?”

  She is impossible. I am done tolerating this. “Fuck you, Shirley”

  I don’t get to hear her comeback because I hang up.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  I pay the Uber driver and check if my wig is in place. I admit I look nice in the rugged jeans, a checked crop top and a trench coat. I am wearing a bright red lipstick and a pair of earrings Ollie got me last Christmas. Shirley would approve of my choice of lipstick, she insists first impressions are important which in this case is. The fiery red makes me feel powerful even though I am freaking a little inside.

  If this were old times, I could take a mirror selfie and have her give me fashion tips before I leave the house. We are still not talking and it looks like I have lost her for good.

  I step into the restaurant and scan for a white old man seated by himself. All I see are happy couples who look they are having the time of their life. I feel a pang as it reminds me of my brief incredible moments with Ezra. I sigh and command myself to stop thinking about him. After my conversation with Shirley, I saw him one more time before I concluded the timing was wrong for us. Annie had apologized profusely for encouraging me to like him but I forgave her because there was no way Justin would have known the truth about his friend.

  If Christian is running late, he should say so instead of making me wait. I should have warned him that impatience ranks high on my list of weaknesses.

  I make my way to an unoccupied table and sweep my eyes across the crowd more closely just in case. I still don’t see anyone resembling the man on Christian’s profile picture. It’s time I confirmed if I confused the venue.

  “Hello Kate, how are you?” He answers on the second ring.

  “I am a little disappointed, Christian. I have been here for the past ten minutes and I still can’t see you.”

  “I can see you actually. I went outside to take an important call but I am on my way back.” He hangs up and I am not so excited to see him anymore. I just hope I don’t bump into anyone I know in this hotel but Sarova is a four star so there is very little chance of that actually happening.

  “You must be Kate.” Someone pats me on my shoulder and I look up.

  “Yes. And you are?”

  “Christian. Christian Bradshaw.” He extends his hand and I blink a few times. The man in front of me is not who I expected. He has to be around thirty and is wearing a boyish grin on his stupid face clearly enjoying my confusion. Well, not stupid considering the blue eyes, full lashes and high cheekbones. He is clad in dirty wash jeans, a cap and a fitting T-shirt.

  “This is not funny, you know.” I try to keep my voice low to avoid causing a scene seeing that Christian has already attracted the attention of the ladies at the next table.

  “I can explain.” I glower at him and I get a serious look in return.

  “You have ten seconds.” I shove my phone in my hand bag and fold my hands angrily across my chest.

  “Okay, perhaps we should order something and attempt to have a normal conversation as I try to set the record straight,” he says calmly and I simply roll my eyes.

  “What can you possibly say to convince me that you are not a liar?” I tune out the waitress and I realize I am being rude to her for no reason. I absentmindedly order a strawberry milkshake despite the weather.

  “Look Kate, I am Christian, the same guy you met on Face book. The thing is , that account is my old profile and my brother used it a long time ago. I kind of got the feeling that you were not so comfortable chatting with strangers online at first and there was no point in telling you the truth when we were growing so close. I did not want to rock the boat.”

  He has to be delusional to think that I am buying this crap. I was right, only creeps send you money as means of bribery. I should have trusted my instincts, which are accurate most of the time.

  “So what’s the deal with Zoe? You lied about her too?”I sip my milkshake and raise my eyebrows.

  “No. Yes. I mean she exists but she is my niece.”

  “Of course she is.” I really should just get out of here. This was a total waste of time and outfit. “Dude, how many fucking lives do you live?”

  “I only lied to you once but if you give me chance, I would love to get to know you more. I am in Kenya till the end of this month but I fly here often for my meetings and sometimes pleasure. I run a PR company.”

  I completely zone out and don’t get to hear the rest of the story. I don’t care to make sense of who he claims to be. I am tired of getting lied to and all I want is to go home.

  I get a notification that my Uber driver has arrived. I take one final look at the stranger seated across me and leaning in more closely, I shake my head and say, “You are a handsome man. Too bad I wouldn’t be around to hear about your job and favorite destinations. Goodbye Christian, and while you are here, try to remember that honesty is a virtue that most people appreciate.”

  ***

  It’s not till I am in my apartment that I call Annie to relay the details of my failed date with Christian. She sends me a text that she is at a meeting and could this wait? It’s a stupid question considering how I almost caused a scene at the hotel but feared one cheeky Kenyan somewhere would take a video and it would make rounds on social media.

  I went to see the mysterious Christian and turns out he is about Justin’s age.

  Her reply comes in a few seconds later:

  You have to be kidding with me? So he has been lying all along? Is he even the guy he claims to be?

  He showed me his passport Annie. I am still freaked out.

  Ok, just don’t speak to him ever again. I gotta go. Call you later.

  I get numerous texts and calls from Christian but I ignore them. Who does he take me for? Men can be stupid sometimes.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Persistence is not something I thought I would associate with Christian. When I blocked his number, I thought I had gotten rid of him.Boy,was I wrong. It's three days later and he has decided to communicate the old fashioned way,by means of email.I know he retained the details I first sent him when he agreed to wire me the money for my shopping expeditions and WiFi subscriptions. He has both the postal and email addresses.

  I am genuinely afraid that he would send me a handwritten letter should I continue ignoring him. If I am being honest, I secretly love this side of him. I am positive that no man in this generation goes such great lengths to communicate when you block him. Infact, the silence is always a competition between the two of you to prove who doesn't give a damn more.

  This is the third time I am reading the email instead of focusing on my articles which is really pathetic.It reads: please talk to me. I don't want to lose you over something I should have discussed with you ages ago. I want to make things right be
cause I truly care for you. It is signed off as Christian The Great.

  I unblock his number consoling myself with the fact that I have nothing to lose. I know its wishful thinking, of course should things not work in my favor, I will lose the remaining faith I have in men and the human race in general.

  I dial his number and hear his voice on the other end immediately.

  "Thank goodness. I thought you would never speak to me again. How are you Kate?"

  I must have been really upset the day we met at the hotel because I am suddenly aware of his accent. It's a little different from that of my dad's."I couldn't exactly ignore you when its clear you are capable of tracking me down. An email, seriously? "

  "It seemed a good idea at the time and I am not sorry. Okay, I am deeply sorry for what went down when we met but I don't regret pestering you."

  He really is a nice guy. I hope I can move on from the mix up and give him a chance. "You have never taken no for an answer in your life, have you? It seems to me that you are used to getting your way."

  He chuckles at my bluntness and says, " would it surprise if I said you have it wrong? I don't always get my way but when I am pursuing a beautiful lady like you, I have to do what it takes."

  Christian says he is within Karen area and would I mind seeing him for coffee at The Hub? I can't find a reason to say no and I agree to see him in two hours.

  I choose my outfit carefully and settle on a denim miniskirt, an off shoulder black top and sandals. I am going for a look that says this is how I usually dress when I am visiting the mall. I don't want to give the impression that I am trying too hard. Besides, I am certain he is a simple guy and wouldn't really mind my appearance just as long as I look presentable. I gather my recently plaited braids at the top of my head in a bun and tie them in place with a cute bandana. I gloss my lips and wear my beaded Maasai earrings and necklace.