Against Reason

by Mer Williams

  When I show up at the mall, I am an hour late. Intentionally so since there is little to no traffic on the Kikuyu-Karen highway. I spot Christian waiting at a corner table as soon as I step into Picazzo Restaurant. He is on his phone and looks up when I approach him. He flashes me a cute grin and rises from his seat to give me a hug. His manly cologne makes my head spin a little and like the gentleman he is, Christian doesn't let his hands nger too long on my back and releases me.

  He pulls the chair for me and asks how I have been.

  "Great.I have been great. How are you?"

  " You look really beautiful. I like your hair." Is his response and I blush.

  "Thank you. You clean up nice too." I say. It's true, he is in a sharp suit and I guess he was working today.

  "No. I mean you look beautiful. Even better than in pictures, if that's possible.I will probably bring it up more than necessary in our conversations. I apologize in advance."

  We both laugh at his statement.

  "Well, my parents must have really put a lot of thought on their future kids and decided their genes would make the best combination." I smirk.

  I have my moments of self doubt, everyone has them. However, I am positive I do well in the looks department. I may not have Annie's dimples or Shirley's hourglass figure but I have waist length hair, big brown eyes and a nice smile.

  The waiter comes to take our order and I leaf through the menu and settle for Merlot. I took late lunch and I am full so red wine would have to do for now. Christian says he is hungry and faintly hear him tell the waiter he wants to try the Beef Ossobuco. I am arguing with Annie via text and regret telling her I am on a date in the first place. She thinks I am crazy to be out with the guy who just proved to be phoney.

  You realize he could kidnap you right?

  You realize he is a decent guy who is having dinner with me at a public place, right? Weren't you the one who said I needed to go out more?

  If I were having the same conversation with Shirley, I would be laughing at her suggestions. She would encourage me to go on dates after dates and dine in the posh restaurants while Christian's unsuspecting ass is still in Kenya and dump him eventually. She would insist it's payback for leading me to believe he is a fifty year old widow. Annie on the other hand, is the prototype of good behavior and expects me to act rationally.

  " Everything okay?" Christian asks.

  "Yes. Everything is perfect." I smile and he gives me a look to suggest I am not fooling him but will not press further. "I want to hear more about you."

  "I am twenty nine, single and I run my dad's company. I help my half brother take care of Zoe and I teach her the piano. I love traveling, so much that I am certain in a past life I was a tour guide or a male model." He winks and I couldn't agree more. He is six foot tall,tan, nicely cut blonde hair and in our previous encounter, I had noticed the nice arms. Right now, I am having a hard time avoiding the piercing blue eyes that seem to see right through my soul.

  "I have three older sisters, all married.I went to college in London and studied Law.You are not the only graduate who thinks college was a bet gone wrong because I later figured I did it for my dad.I can't argue a case to save my life." I laugh and he joins me.

  Christian tells me about his time in Barcelona, Cairo, New Delhi and Johannesburg. Listening to him talk is like curling up in a blanket on a cold evening and watching your favourite show. I find myself tuning out from the conversations around us, every tale coming from his mouth more interesting than the previous one. He is funny and so carefree that I don't have to watch my words. With Ezra, I obsessed on what to say to avoid giving him the wrong impression.

  We both shy away from topics about our exes. I tell him I am single as well and he asks me questions about my family, hobbies, favourite food and favourite movies. He is a good listener as well and surprises me when he brings up some random stuff I told him long ago. When he suggests that I accompany him to Naivasha the coming weekend, I decline.

  "Don't get me wrong, you would make the best travel partner. It's just that you said you want to be more than friends in future and I don't want to lead you on. I like you but I have stuff in my love life that I need to take a break from before I am ready to care for someone else. But, I would love to remain friends, if that's not being too selfish of me."

  He takes my hands in his and takes time to study each finger nail. For the first time, I have made him speechless and I feel horrible for letting this get this far.

  Christian is a decent guy at heart and probably too handsome for his own good. He is a keeper but in the past thirty minutes I sat here listening to his adventures, I realized I like him but not enough to pursue a romantic relationship.

  I don't have to follow Shirley's rules and later regret punishing both of us since I am certain I would one day break his heart. He reminds me of a familiar and significant part of my life that I can revisit now and then without regrets and too much pain.

  "I get that. I will not pressure you but if you ever change your mind, I will always be a phone call or a text message away. Perhaps I am selfish too to want you for a friend just so that you are in my life. I fly here again soon, and I hope you will be do me a favor, as your friend, and accompany me to the parts of Kenya that you have never set foot in."

  I meet his eyes and smile."That would be an honour. I like the sound of that."

  When we part that evening, just before I get in my taxi, he makes me promise to stay in touch. Again, I say yes. I would definitely love to laugh at his jokes from time to time especially when I am having a bad day. He is gifted establishing long lasting relationships with people easily. When I go to bed that night, I feel slightly different. I am happy and had fun today, despite the circumstances.

  ***

  The next few days pass by in a blur. I busy myself with applications after Alex challenged me to go back to school. He is backpacking in Europe before school starts and promises to be in Nairobi over Christmas. He says he has a girlfriend, a pretty brunette he met on his visit to the campus. He sent me her picture this morning and I can tell he is pretty serious about her. Alex rarely talks about any of his girlfriends.

  I am saddened by this fact. My brother may have a good track record of breaking hearts like the serial player he is but I just don’t understand how everyone I know including him is in love. I am still single and I turn twenty four in eleven days. Before I know it, I will be clocking thirty and my parents will start playing matchmakers.

  Fuck, I really am gifted in talking myself into a bad mood.

  I should be happy for him though. My adventures in the past few months as a single woman have taught me several lessons about finding a mate.

  Perhaps I should share with you what it is like to be freshly single. You meet all kinds of people and just when you are certain you have met the right one, they fuck up to prove just how wrong you were about them. You are never home free, for a long time.There are those who are capable of turning your world upside down and you are left to start over on your own, like Oliver.You are certain it's the end of the world and that you would never be happy again.There are those who choose you but your stubborn heart can't seem to find enough room for them, despite their sincere intentions. In that moment, you have a choice to either have them temporarily as comfort food, or be selfless and let them go. I am glad I let funny,generous and carefree Christian to find his true love.

  And then there are the toxic type who play games and with them, it always feels like there is something you are missing. It's no different from a game of chess where each move is predetermined.They don't make obvious moves but your feelings for them sneak up on you and you realize a bit too late that you have granted them permission to break your heart. I may never truly forgive myself for falling for Ezra despite knowing better but it taught me a lesson that I would never have otherwise learnt.

  I saw Christian off at JKIA a week ago and since then, I have been doing a lot of self reflection. I have made peace with cer
tain unchangeable facts and have made up my mind about my future. I want to my story differently and make my own rules. As further proof that I can deal with my troubles maturely, I have gotten rid of all the remaining vodka bottles. I smoked the last cigarette to commemorate such an important milestone two nights ago and since then, I have made it a mission to distract myself in every way possible whenever the mighty urge to take a puff tries to overwhelm me.

  Even if it means knocking on my neighbor’s door to catch up. Fiona, the law student who lives next door, is the only person I talk to. Last weekend, she knocked on my door to borrow a charger and found me watching a series she was obsessed with. We chatted a bit and discovered we have a lot in common and we became friends.

  I am currently emailing my application to Annie and she promises to contact one of her professor friends in University of Nairobi. I want to enroll for distance learning to pursue Masters of Art, Clinical Psychology. After a thorough consideration, I have come to the conclusion that an undergraduate degree in mass media would be a waste of time and really, my initial differences barely had to do with my choice of a career. It was my attitude towards work and life in general.

  Mom gave in and agreed to pay for my post graduate on one condition; I have to get formal employment and pay my own bills. Dad was disappointed that I would not be joining him but was happy for me all the same. I suppose he mostly wanted me to be around so that Karen and I would mend our relationship. Out of the three of us, I am the most difficult sibling. I am all for new beginnings but I am certain Karen and I will never stand to be in the same room together.

  EPILOGUE

  Open the door, Katie!

  How does she even know I am in the house? She brought with her a pair of binoculars or something? I wouldn’t put it past her.

  Oh, it’s you.

  Open the fucking door

  I thought you did not want to be friends with people like me?

  Argghh. Who knew arguing over text is capable of draining the energy out of someone?

  I wonder what has brought Shirley to my apartment. To apologize maybe. She probably figured out I am the queen of holding grudges and wants to make amends. Or maybe she wants to yell some more and get everything off her chest. I suppose I should find out.

  “Hi, Kate.” Shirley gives me a weak smile and fidgets nervously. We have not spoken in weeks and this is the first time we have said things we cannot take back.

  “Hi Shirley, come on inside.”I help her with the shopping bags and I want to ask her what she has been up to all morning but I am determined to act unbothered.

  “So, I came to wish you a happy birthday and drop something for you,” Shirley says not meeting my eye. She goes through her handbag and gives me a beautifully wrapped gift. It weighs like a feather and I am tempted to see what’s inside.

  “Thank you.”

  “You are welcome. I am sorry it’s three weeks late.” My birthday was on first December and for once I wanted to spend it alone. I even turned down Annie’s offer to throw me a birthday dinner. It was not easy but I reminded her I was dealing with stuff and I really needed to be alone.

  “Why are you here?”

  We are silent for a few minutes and I go through my phone. No texts, no missed calls. Even though it bothers me that no one is checking on me, I am happy with my decisions. It really is better to be single this way and lick my wounds in peace.

  “Why am I here? I came to see you because I miss my best friend. No amount of words can ever express how much I wish I could take back what I said to you. You are an amazing person, in your own weird way. I was jealous of your guts but it’s no excuse for being such a bitch. I hope you can find it in your beautiful heart to forgive me.”

  What Shirley said was so mean but if I am being frank, I deserved to hear that. I even wish she had told me earlier.

  “Now that I can afford to be honest with myself, I realize I said really hurtful things to you too to the point that it is embarrassing.” Shirley laughs politely at my confession. “I’m sorry. And since it’s clear none of us can ever take back any of that stuff, we can let bygones be bygones and start off on a clean state. You are not getting rid of me that easily.”

  I reach for Shirley’s gift and it’s so light like there is a piece of paper inside. I can’t help thinking its Shirley’s idea of a prank. I carefully tear it open and I have to sit to process what I did to deserve this.

  “You remembered!”

  “Of course I did! Weren’t you the one who said my memory would one day get me in trouble?” Shirley says and we both laugh. She envelopes me in a tight hug and I realize I have missed her extra cheerful self. It feels like some weight has been lifted off my chest.

  As I hug my best friend, it suddenly dawns on me that she had to have donated a kidney to afford this ticket. “I can’t take this. Tell me you did not rob a bank to buy me a ticket from Bonfire Adventures. I know I used to talk a lot about Mediterrian cruises but Shirley, it has to cost at least two hundred thousand Kenyan shillings. No offense but I know you don’t have that kind of money to throw away.”

  “Trust me it is legit, I got help. I promise to tell you all about it but right now there is someone who wants to say hi. I am going to drop these bags in my house first to give you room to...get acquainted with one another.” I am curious to see who Shirley has waiting outside my apartment. Perhaps it’s Jack and he finally got serious with her.

  “Thank you so much. I am still lost for words. This is the best gift anyone has ever surprised me with in my twenty three, I mean twenty four years of existence.” Christian gave me a sophisticated camera at the airport as an early birthday present as well as a parting gift. He said to use it to capture incredible moments in my life. It was so thoughtful of him and upto a few seconds ago, it ranked the best birthday gift I received this year. I escort Shirley to the door and she tells me not to bother walking her to the gate.

  I am about to ask her about what she has been up to all day when I make eye contact with someone I thought I would never see again. I blink hard as I try to understand if I am relieved to see him or mad at both of them for thinking he should ambush me.

  So much for new beginnings.

  “Behave,” Shirley says before any one of us can say anything. Her statement is mostly directed at me and I shake my head in disbelief.

  We both stare at her as she climbs down the stairs. I return my gaze at him and look for evidence that he has not been fairing well since the break up. He has not lost weight and his face is vibrant, just like always.There are no signs of tiredness in his eyes.There is not even a crease on his T-shirt which he paired with shorts, or anything that suggests he was drunk and slept in his clothes.

  I on the other hand, look homeless in the oversized top with holes at the neckline and the booty shorts underneath. The fact that he looks like himself adds to the anger building inside me and I want to bring my hand to his beautiful face and hit him till my palm dislocates from the rest of my hand. That’s what I do and my hand hurts.

  He flinches and rubs his cheek with a funny expression on his face. He finds it amusing, not what I intended to achieve.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” The words are barely out when I spot Fiona spying on us. I motion for Oliver to get in and I bang the door shut after him.

  “A couple of reasons actually. But first, how are you?” I roll my eyes. He must think it is a joke, showing up here announced to find out how I am .Or could he be here to personally invite me to his wedding? Did he propose to that bitch I overheard talking to him when I called? Omg. That has to be it.

  “Do me a favor and go back to ignoring me. You are making it worse than it already is”. My voice trembles and I am on the verge of tears. I can’t have to find out like this.

  What did I ever do wrong to deserve payback from Karma herself? I am generally a good person and do no wrong to anyone. I may not pay taxes like a good citizen and tend to swear and use sarcasm at the most inopportune moments but that doesn’t make me a person of i
nterest in her list of offenders.

  “I know I am a terrible person, not reaching out in the past few months to find how you are doing. For what is worth it, I was not okay for a long time.”

  He sits on the sofa next to me and takes my hands in his. I am still too teary to face him and order him out of my apartment. Or maybe a part of me wants to hear the apology I never got to hear the entire period we were broken up. The rational part of me wants to tell him his apology is overdue and I am not bothered by what he does with is life anymore. He doesn’t need my permission to marry. The need for closure wins and I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my top.

  “You made it clear that I am the last person you want to see right now but I need you to hear me out. Please.” I am still facing the other way and only nod for him to go on.

  “I am not gonna lie, I went on dates but it didn’t feel the same. Sure it helped but at the end of the day, those girls were not you. When I ran into Shirley a few days ago, she told me to give it a shot. Ask you to take me back ”

  “Wait, she told you that?” I turn to stare at his beautiful eyes. What exactly is going on here? He is not here to make it clear I am a loser? So I just broke my own heart by jumping into conclusions. Just great.

  “Yes, she also told me you two were not on speaking terms. Look, Katie I want to make things right with you. I love you for who you are and I want to be by your side through hurricanes and sunshine. I really miss you,” he says with a pained expression on his face.

  “You did not even fight for me.” I say ,my voice a bit croaky. I had held on to the hope that he would show up at my doorstep with flowers. That fantasy existed in my mind for a long time until I decided to bury my worries by having my head messed up by a man.

  “I am sorry. You left and I thought I was giving you a break. I thought that’s what you needed. A chance to make choices on your own and figure out life differently. I was wrong though. I missed you more than I cared to admit.”