Against Reason

by Mer Williams

  I am surprised to find I don’t completely disagree with him on this one. Oliver kind of babied me and truth be told, I never would have admitted I needed to change. I may not have a career but I finally have an idea of what I want in life and my lungs are safe.

  As I stare at his lips move, listen to him beg me to take him back, I can’t help but think I was stupid to let my pride get in the way. Here is the only man who I ever allowed myself to show the ugliest parts of me that I never dared to show anyone. He has seen me even in my worst and still wanted to be with my immature self.

  But I am not comforted, I can’t exactly pinpoint why.

  Perhaps it’s the uncertainty of the future. Perhaps I need assurance that I have changed and I can handle caring for a person just fine. That I have overcome my insecurities and I can build a future with the smart, handsome and successful Oliver and will not drag him down.

  “Is that why you asked me out for coffee and cancelled without caring to inform me?” I watch him bite his bottom lip and stare hard at the ceiling and I have my answer. He did it to punish me. Apparently part of moving on is playing mind games with your ex.

  “Well, I thought about it later and decided I was not ready to meet you yet. I knew seeing you again would feel like the first time I laid my eyes on you in USIU, during admission. I didn’t think I could guard my feelings and pretend to be the nice ex.” We both laugh and just to tease him, I ask him about the first time he saw me.

  “Doesn’t it get boring? I have told the same story multiple times. Come on, Katie.” He playfully pinches my hand. “I am curious, why did you move out? Not that it was a completely stupid idea seeing you are doing amazing on your own.”

  It feels like a long time ago when I dragged my suitcases to Shirley’s apartment. I recall being in such a rage and later considered calling Ollie to apologize and take an Uber back.

  “I don’t know. I think I did it to prove a point. I am glad I did though. I mean I am not glad I broke up with you but just happy I got a chance to reinvent myself. If that makes sense.”

  “Baby, I understand and I don’t hold that against you. It was crazy but I am genuinely happy for you.”

  We are silent for a few seconds and he turns me by the shoulders to face him, startling me in the process. I drink his gaze and admire the crooked grin as he ponders on what to say next. “What do you say about giving us a chance? I promise to never let you go. Even if we disagree and your crazy ass decides to move to Zimbabwe, I will come find you, I don’t care if I have to move mountains. Kate Sankale Edwards, I want you back. For good this time.”

  This is finally happening. I really would be stupid to let him go. Fuck insecurities and all that nonsense. This is Oliver my precious mate, the man I have true feelings for. The man I have been on denial about. Even now, I can still feel the hurt he caused me and the void he left remains unfilled.

  Time has made me realize that around the time we broke up, my position in our relationship had changed from a girlfriend to a toxic person in his life. I am certain the break has taught me how to love him just the way he deserves. Before I have the chance to second guess, I pull Ollie in a hug and whisper in his ear, “let’s do this.”

  “Thank you.” He hugs me tighter and kisses my hair. “I want to take you out tonight for a late birthday dinner.”

  “It’s already six. What will I wear? I have not even made my hair.” I entangle myself from the embrace and face him, pretending to freak out.

  “Nice try,” he laughs. “Did you like your present?”

  “I knew it! Was bribing me part of your brilliant plan?” I point a finger accusingly.

  “Yes, but looks like I only needed my looks to seal the deal.” He winks and I attack him. He tickles me and we roll over the carpet with me on top. He cups my cheeks and I move closer to meet his soft lips.

  THE END