by Wendy Smith
But I do need to make sure this is for all the right reasons and not just because I’m lonely.
It’s perfect.
Here in the rose garden, surrounded by nature and plenty of sunshine is a beautiful spot for Scott. For so long, I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t have the strength. Maybe part of it is knowing I can have a future without him. Before, it all seemed so bleak, even if I didn’t want to admit it.
“What do you boys think?” I ask.
“I like it,” Braden says.
I turn to Xander. “What about you?”
He shrugs. “Whatever.”
“Xander. I want your opinion.”
“I don’t really know why we have to do this anyway.”
I sigh. “Your dad needs a permanent resting place. We’re home now, so I think this is a lovely spot for him. It’s easy for us all to visit. If you really wanted to, you could walk here from school, or”—I take a deep breath—“we can get you bikes and you can ride here after school.”
His head shoots up. “You’d trust us on the road by ourselves?”
“I have to some time.” I rest my hand on his shoulder. “I mean, someday soon you’re going to leave home, and if you leave town for uni, I can’t drive you to and from there every day.”
He tries not to laugh but it comes out in bursts. “I was wondering …”
“I love you and your brother more than anything in this whole world, but it’s time I started treating you like the adults you are.” Tears well in my eyes, and my son pulls me into his arms for a hug.
“Don’t cry, Mum.”
“I’m so proud of you and your brother. I know it hasn’t always been easy, but I love you, and I’d do anything to keep you safe.”
“I know,” he murmurs.
“Let’s go for a walk around and see what else is here.” I loop my arm in his and lean on his shoulder.
Braden joins me on the other side, and I take hold of his arm too.
“The three of us make these decisions together, okay?”
They both nod.
We make our way to a bench and sit down.
“I like it,” Xander says. “You’re right, it’s a good place for Dad.”
“Placing his ashes there doesn’t mean any of us love him any less.”
He nods. “I know. I just had to work it out in my head.”
Braden brushes my arm. “I like it too. And we can visit whenever we want?”
“Whenever we want. I don’t know about you two, but I plan on coming here to complain about everything.”
Xander laughs. “You never complain.”
“I’m not sure if that’s true.”
“We should go and get ice cream. That’s what Dad would want,” Braden says.
I laugh. “I think you’re right. Let’s get ice cream and go to the beach for a while.”
He stands and grabs hold of my hand. “Come on, Mum.”
I let him pull me to my feet and reach back for Xander’s hand. “You too.” He grins, takes my hand, and I pretend to groan as I take his weight. “I remember when you were so small I could pick you up.”
“I bet I could pick you up now.” He laughs.
“Bet you couldn’t.”
I laugh as Xander plucks me up off the ground and spins me around.
“That’s not fair.” I lean against him as he puts me back down.
“Love you, Mum.”
“I love you too.”
Twenty-Three
Hunter
“Go home, Hunter.”
I look up and eye Liz, standing in the doorway.
“Huh?”
“You’re like a bear with a sore head. All you’ve done is whinge all morning. Go home to work and leave me alone.”
I chuckle. “I can’t be that bad.”
“I’m not sure what’s going on with you, but I don’t want you here when you’re grumpy.”
I stand, pick up my jacket, and walk toward the door. “Who made you the boss?”
“You did.” She laughs, and all I can do is smile.
“I’m sorry.”
“You really have it bad for this woman.”
I narrow my gaze. “How did you …”
“Nothing’s got you so messed up since your divorce. I hope it works out the way you want it to.”
“Me too.”
I leave the building and climb into the car. Chloe’s been on my mind since the night I told her to leave, and it’s interfering with everything. I love her, and I want to be with her. But I can’t be second best.
She’s out the front of her house when I arrive home, and I catch my breath at the sight of her. I’m not even sure if I should wave or not, but as I park the car, she walks toward me, covering the short distance between our places and striding up the driveway.
“I’m glad I caught you.”
Hope wells in my chest.
“It’s good to see you, Chlo.”
She smiles. “You too. I just wanted to let you know that we found a place for Scott’s ashes. We’ll be having a small ceremony to place them, and I thought you might like to be there.”
I nod. “I would. Thank you for thinking of me.”
“You meant a lot to him, Hunter. I’m not making it public. It’ll just be family. And no matter what, you’re family.”
Swallowing down the lump in my throat, I force a smile. It’s so hard to be tough on her, but I can’t back down. Being with Chloe is my dream, but it has to be the real deal and not some half-arsed approximation. “That means a lot.” I bite my lip. “This isn’t because of us, is it? I don’t want you doing this if you’re not ready.”
She draws in a breath while dropping eye contact. “Maybe a little. But the truth is, this is something I should have done a while ago. It’s not healthy to keep holding on. We just had to be in the right place, and we are now.”
I want to hold her. I want to take her in my arms and protect her from what’s to come. It doesn’t take a genius to know this will be a hugely emotional time for her and her boys. All I want to do is protect the three of them and shelter them from the storm.
This is such a big step for all of them.
“Chloe, about us …”
She shakes her head. “You were right. I need to work out my own world before I let you into it. Anything less isn’t fair on you.” She closes her eyes and exhales a long breath. “That’s if you still want in.”
Her eyes are tear-filled when she opens them. I did this. I could have so easily told her Piper’s visit wasn’t what she probably thought it was. All she saw was Piper kiss me goodbye, but it’s enough to have rocked her faith in me.
“I want in. I want everything.”
She gives me a small smile. “I hope so.”
“Come here.” I open my arms to her and she falls into them. She smells of fresh air and sunshine. I know she’s been out in the pool a lot while the weather’s nice. I’ve not been watching her but have heard the splash of water and the sounds of music drifting toward me.
“I miss you,” she whispers.
“I miss you too.” I kiss the top of her head. “And I’m right here and waiting when you’re ready. I always will be.”
She squeezes me tight and then steps away. “I’ll text you the details of the interment.”
Reaching out, I run my thumb down her cheek. Tears spill from her eyes and I catch one on the end of my thumb. “I’ll be there.”
“I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
I shake my head. “I’m a big boy. You know how I feel about you. I just have to be patient.”
She sucks on her bottom lip. How I want to kiss those tears away and forget any of this ever happened.
“Xander gave us his approval,” she says.
That makes me smile. “You told him?”
“He came to me and told me he likes you. That I should invite you over more.”
I nod slowly. “That sounds good to me.”
She comes forward again, p
ecks me on the cheek and then disappears back next door.
I watch her go with so much regret, but every step she takes is one closer to us being together.
What I need to do is keep my faith in her.
Twenty-Four
Chloe
“Mum, hurry up.”
“I’m coming,” I call out.
The morning has been crap. I woke up late, and I’m not feeling that great as I walk into my en-suite to give my hair a quick brush.
Pulling open the vanity drawer, I lay eyes on a packet of tampons. I haven’t replaced these since we moved in.
I’m not unaccustomed to my period not turning up. I’ve found since Scott died that stress plays a big part in it. They were very erratic at one point but settled over time. But now that’s happened right along with my exhaustion, which I also put down to stress.
What if it’s not?
I’ve only ever felt this awful one time in my life, and I ended up with twins eight months later.
Surely not.
No.
“Mum.” I’m too tired to even work out which twin is calling, but I grab my brush and flick it through my hair, glad for the millionth time that I had it cut shorter. It’s so much easier to manage.
“We’re going to be late.” Braden taps his foot.
“We’re fine. Get in the car.”
“Mum, do you know where my rugby gear is? I know you washed it,” Xander asks.
“It’s already in your bag,” I snap.
“Oh, thanks, Mum.” He recoils, and I immediately regret my tone.
“Sorry for being grumpy. I’m just tired this morning. Let’s get going.”
I’ve never been so relieved as I drop them at the school gate.
My phone rings as I drive toward the supermarket, and I press the answer button on the steering wheel.
“Hi, Meredith,” I say, reading the screen.
“Where are you off to in such a hurry?” she asks.
“What? Where are you?”
She laughs. “I waved at you about two minutes ago, and you zoomed straight past me. I just picked up a coffee from that cafe we went to.”
I lick my lips. “I’m just running errands.”
“Want to hang out? Come ‘round to my place. The kids are at school and Darren’s away on business for the week. I could do with some company.”
I swallow hard. Maybe this friendship with Meredith is what I need right now. She’s kept my relationship with Hunter quiet, but can I trust her with this? I can’t do this alone. I’m not sure if my mother could deal with me being pregnant, and Caleb would just want to kill Hunter.
“That sounds great. I’ll grab what I need from the supermarket and pop over to your place. Do you need anything?”
“No. I’ve got a full pantry, and we can watch a trashy movie or something.”
I smile. “That works for me. See you in about half an hour.”
Ending the call as I drive into the car park, I sigh.
What the hell do I do if I am pregnant? One thing at a time. If I’m not, and it’s a false alarm, then no harm. If I am, it adds another layer of complication.
Walking down the aisles, I grab a few other things before I reach the aisle with the pregnancy tests. I pick up the test off the shelf. There are two in the pack, one to check and one to confirm the result I guess.
“What do we do if it’s positive?” I ask Scott.
He leans his head on my shoulder. “Then, I guess we’re having a baby.”
“Are we really ready for this?”
“I’m not sure anyone’s ever ready for it, Chloe. But we’ve got each other, and that’s all that matters to me.”
That was a lifetime ago, and a very different situation. But now, as then, I need to test to find the result.
Getting myself together, I throw the test kit in the trolley and make my way to the checkout.
It’s time to go and find out.
“Chloe.” Meredith beams as she opens the door. “I’m so glad you said yes. I have been going round the twist by myself this week. But I know you’re a busy lady.”
“I’m never too busy for you. Just call me if you need company. I can work from anywhere.”
“Come in.”
I kick off my shoes and step foot inside her living room. “I’m actually really glad you called. There’s something I need to do.”
“Anything you need, it’s yours.” She smiles.
“I just need a friend to hold my hand while I do this.” I hold up the pregnancy test.
Her mouth falls open. “Really?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “It’s been a while.”
“Are you and Hunter still …”
“Not right now. We kind of broke up.”
Confusion crosses her face. “Why?”
I bite my bottom lip. “I called out Scott’s name in bed.”
“Oh, Chloe.” Her expression fills with sympathy. “Surely that’s understandable.’
“Hunter deserves better.” I sigh. “And there are things I need to take care of before I can really be ready for a relationship with him.”
“Like what?”
I swallow hard. “I got so carried away with what we were doing, I neglected the things I came here for. Like finding Scott a final resting place.”
“Oh, Chloe.” She places her hand on mine. “He’d want you to be happy no matter what.”
“I know. It’s just … I need to make sure Hunter gets a hundred per cent of me. It’s not fair on him otherwise.”
She gestures toward the test. “And if that’s positive?”
“Then I need to take a breath and work things out before I tell him. Because you know Hunter, he’ll settle because he wants to do the right thing when he shouldn’t settle.”
“Being with you would never be settling for him. Don’t you know that?”
I shrug. “Maybe, but I can’t do that to him. I need time.”
She grips my hand. “Whatever happens today is between you and me. I hope you know that.”
“Thanks, Meredith.”
“Go and take that test and put yourself out of your misery. I’ve got you. If it’s positive, then we’ll kick back and I’ll make popcorn. If it’s negative, we’ll crack open a bottle of wine.”
I laugh. “I can’t do that. I’ve got to pick up the boys later.”
“Okay. We’ll save that for another time. At least I made you laugh. Now, go.”
Results in three minutes.
Seventeen years ago, give or take a few months, those were the longest three minutes of my life. I was so young and just starting my adult life. Now I’ve been an adult for so long, but again at a point in my life when I’m starting out.
And now I have to wait another three minutes.
Last time, I had Scott by my side waiting for the results. Today, I’m glad to have Meredith. I’m not sure I’d have the strength to do this alone.
And I can’t risk hurting Hunter even more by turning to him with this only for it to be negative.
Hell, I’m not even sure how I feel about it all.
I pace back and forward, staring at the patterned rug under the coffee table.
“If you don’t sit down, you’ll wear my carpet out. It won’t be much longer,” Meredith says.
With a sigh, I drop down onto the couch beside her, and fan my face with my hand. “It’s so hot in here.”
She nudges my arm. “It’s not. You’re just freaking out.”
“I think I’m allowed to.” I bury my face in my hands.
“Let’s take a look. Put you out of your misery.”
“I can’t. What does it say?” I peek between my fingers.
Meredith’s expression is blank. “Chloe, you’re pregnant.”
Nausea sweeps over me.
Hunter was right. I did need to find myself. And these past few weeks I’ve felt more like Chloe than I have in years.
But now this.
Tears well in my
eyes. I wanted more children at different stages in my life, but now feels like a terrible time. I’m right in the middle of reclaiming myself, and I don’t want this to be the reason Hunter and I are forced back together.
“It’s okay. We’ll work it out. You’ve got me.” Meredith rubs my shoulder. “I’m here if you need anything. And I won’t tell a soul.”
“Thank you. I’m sorry for the tears.”
“Want some tissues?”
I nod, sniffing as the tears roll down my cheeks.
She opens a drawer in the coffee table and pulls out a box that she thrusts at me.
“Scott and I talked about having more children, but the twins were so much work in the early days, and then it just never happened.”
Meredith’s eyes well up, and she grabs for a tissue. “Maybe this was just meant to be. Maybe it’s a sign that you and Hunter belong together.”
I wipe my face before blowing my nose. “Maybe. I just know I need to do a lot of thinking.”
Her smile’s small, but she’s trying to show her support, and I appreciate it more than anything.
“Well, I’m always here. Give me a call any time.”
“Thank you. You and Darren will come to Scott’s interment, won’t you? I just have to finalise the details, but it’ll be next week.”
She nods. “We’ll be there.”
Twenty-Five
Chloe
My lurching stomach wakes me up.
The alarm plays music beside me, and my blurry eyes take in the time: 7:48.
Shit.
I’ve completely overslept on a weekday for the first time ever.
Dragging myself out of bed, I pull on my bathrobe and make my way down the stairs. Braden and Xander both turn to stare at me as I trudge into the room, yawning.
“We weren’t sure about waking you up,” Braden says.
“I’m not sure how I slept in, but I’m here now. If you’re ready, I’ll get dressed.”
“Uncle Caleb’s on his way. We called him so you could rest.” He studies me closely. “Are you okay?”
I breathe out a sigh of relief as my stomach roils. I can’t remember morning sickness being this bad with the twins, but I was also seventeen years younger when I went through a pregnancy before.
