by V. T. Do
“No, sweetheart. It’s not bad. You do whatever you feel comfortable with. Your first time should be special. And it should be with someone you’re sure about. Understand?”
The fact that Max knew I had never had sex before was embarrassing. Was my inexperience really that obvious? But then the other option was for Max to think I did have sex before. And that thought was equally mortifying. I would much rather he not think about me and sex at all, even if he was thinking about it from a parental point of view.
“Yeah, I understand.”
“Good. And I made a doctor’s appointment for you two days from now. You can talk to her about anything you want, and you can talk to her about birth control.”
“Right,” I nodded. Did this mean the awkward conversation was over? That Max would leave the room and leave me to my embarrassment alone?
But that wasn’t what happened. It turned out that Max had the whole lesson planned. He stayed over an hour, and thirty minutes in, I was somewhat able to get over my embarrassment and ask a few questions. And Max patiently answered each one thoroughly.
I was just glad he wasn’t the kind to bring in STI pictures as a scare tactic.
10
Olivia
The day after our talk, I couldn’t look Max in the eye. I knew he told me I didn’t have anything to be embarrassed about, but Max was nothing if not thorough. He went into so much excruciating detail.
He acted how he normally would, and I thought he was doing it to get us out of this awkward phase. And all it took was for Max to be gone most of the day because of work for me to almost get over it. I spent the day reading a new fantasy novel that had just come out and looking over my class schedule for this upcoming fall semester at the University of Chicago.
At the beginning of my senior year, when I was applying for college, Max never really pressured me into picking an in-state school over an out-of-state school, but I knew I didn’t want to move away. Even when I was still living with my mom, I was thinking about staying here for him, not her.
He had been my rock since I was a little girl, and now, he was all I had left. And even though the longer I lived with him, the more secure I felt about my position in his life, I couldn’t help but still wake up in the middle of the night to check on him.
I was still scared that he might leave me.
Dr Greene showed me some exercises I could do whenever I felt anxious about Max leaving, but I couldn’t bring myself to do them. We also talked about whether I wanted to move into a dorm or stay at home.
I knew most kids my age would want the experience of living away from home for the first time, but the thought of being away from Max didn’t help with my anxiety. So we decided I could stay home my first year and pretend it wasn’t unhealthy that Max was allowing me to do so. Dr Greene didn’t really approve when I told her about it.
Max came home around five that day, as usual, and we left to see Dr Greene. He thought it would be best if I saw her alone for thirty minutes of our hour because of all we talked about the night before.
“How do you feel about it?” she asked, her attention on me. She was good at that. Making me feel like I was the only one that mattered to her, and that she had all the time in the world, even though Max only paid her for the hour.
“Embarrassed, mostly.”
“There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Sex is natural and shouldn’t be stigmatized, no matter what society says.”
“That’s what Max said.”
Her lips curved upward in a small smile. “Smart man.”
“Yes, he is that.”
She paused, then said, “Tell me, was your talk with Max embarrassing because he isn’t biologically related to you? I would think that would make it easier.”
“It doesn’t matter that we aren’t related. Max is family. He’s all I have left. I think that’s what made it so awkward. If he were just some dude my mom knew, then sure, I would be weirded out that some guy was trying to have the sex talk with me.” Her smile widened at that. “But I would probably be able to tell him I didn’t want to hear it. And it wouldn’t be as mortifying.”
“So, what is Max to you?”
I frowned, not quite understanding. “What do mean? He’s family.”
“Yes, I know that. But what is his position in your life. Is he like a father to you, a brother?”
My frowned deepened. “No, he’s not like my dad. I have a dad. He’s just not in the picture anymore.” Neither was my mom, I didn’t add. She looked at me expectantly. “A brother, maybe. But I know he loves my mom, so it’s hard for me to think of him like my brother when I had hoped before that he and my mom would end up together.” I wrung my hands together, hating the question the more I thought about it. “Why does there need to be label for what he is to me? Why can’t he be all of those things? He’s my best friend, but he can also be like my dad or my brother, right?”
“There’s no right or wrong answer here. If you truly felt like the labels you put on Max and yourself shouldn’t matter, then you wouldn’t worry so much about him leaving you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think Max has done everything to make sure you know how important you are to him.”
“Of course, he has,” I defended vehemently. Max had never made me feel like a burden, even if that was what I was.
“I know. But I also think because he’s not related to you that you feel your position in his life is expendable. That’s why, deep inside of you, you still think he might leave. That he could leave you behind as easily as he would leave a puppy.”
She grabbed the tissue box from her desk and handed it to me. I didn’t realize I was crying until then. And the realization only made the tears fall harder. “My mom and dad both left me. My own parents. And they did it so easily. What’s stopping Max from doing the same thing?”
“Do you really feel that it would be easy for him to leave you?” I shrugged. “Olivia, did your parents ever tell you they loved you?”
“Of course, they did. Mostly when I was little.”
“But did you believe them?”
I opened my mouth, wanting to tell her I did, of course I did, but the words wouldn’t come out. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the chair. How could you just leave someone you loved, especially your own child?
I was glad she didn’t look at me with sympathy. I wouldn’t be able to handle it then. “Do you think Max is the kind of man who would ever say something he didn’t mean?”
“Of course not.”
“Then tell him you love him. And when he says it back, know that he means it. And no, that won’t stop the feeling that he could leave you behind, but it’s a start.”
We ended up taking up the whole one-hour time slot. When I walked out of there, Max was still sitting in the waiting area, typing something on his phone. He looked up when he heard me, the smile already on his face.
I walked over to him. “Hey.”
“Hey, kiddo.” His eyes searched my face. I knew my eyes were still red and puffy, but Max didn’t comment on that. Instead, he asked, “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. Can we have Chinese food tonight? I have been craving lo mein all day.”
Max chuckled and ruffled my hair. “Of course.”
He made a move to walk, and I stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. He looked back at me. “Yeah?”
“I love you.”
He smiled, and I saw something in his eyes that I had never seen in either one of my parents. “I love you, too, sweetheart.”
And I believed him.
11
Mason
The months after my move home were a blur.
I remember some parts vividly, though, like seeing Olivia again and spending time with Max. I also remember receiving a phone call about a month in and frantically running back to New York for what I had hoped to be a brief trip but ended up staying for three full weeks. And I remember the guilt I felt about that impromptu trip, espec
ially coming back and seeing Max again, seeing the knowledge in his eyes that I, once again, was weak.
Several years back, when this all started, Max asked if I was incapable of staying away from Grace, as if she had an important place in my life. But the thing was, I only had trouble saying no to her now because I’d felt responsible for the state of things, and for leaving my mess behind.
The part I don’t remember as clearly about my move back home, though, was job hunting. Sure, I recollect applying to several corporate law firms, and I also recall reconnecting with Logan Cross again, a buddy I went to undergrad with.
He was in the same field as me, and had actually worked at Callaghan, Reese, and Malcolm for quite a few years. He was the one who recommended me. The pay was great, all things considered, and I had my own office and an assistant to help with the day-to-day. It was no different than my job back in New York.
But there was no spark of excitement.
I couldn’t remember a time when I felt so dissatisfied about my job. And I didn’t know what I could do to get out of this funk I suddenly found myself in.
Early Friday morning, I found myself alone in the office, watching as the sun set over Chicago’s skyline. There was something peaceful about the morning, before most of the world even woke up, and it felt like I was the only one there.
But my thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door.
I walked over to the door, wondering who else was in the office this early, and found myself face to face with Logan. He was holding a cup of coffee, a wide smile on his face.
The bastard was way too preppy in the morning.
“Morning,” he chirped. I took him in. Like me, he was dressed in a custom-made black suit, white button down and a black tie. Logan was the only man I knew who reached my height at six-foot-four-inches, aside from Max, but I was far bulkier than either man. He had dark brown hair, cut short to almost a buzz cut, with hazel eyes and a neatly trimmed beard.
I knew his easy-going smile and charms were all a front—a mask to cover up the darkness brewing inside his scarred body. I wasn’t the only one with a damaged past.
I offered a low grunt in greeting and grabbed the coffee cup he offered. “Thanks. What are you doing here so early?”
“I could be asking you the same thing,” he said, coming in and grabbing a seat by my desk. I sat down across from him and looked down at all the paperwork I still needed to get done. It was just a huge pile of mess.
“Couldn’t sleep. Thought I’d come here to catch up on some work.”
“I see nothing’s changed. You’re still as relentless as always.”
I smiled a little at that. “I wouldn’t say relentless.”
“What would you call it then? Boring?”
I scowled. Logan laughed. “Lighten up, man. You need to learn how to have fun. Come out with me and Gage tonight after work. We’re meeting at a nearby bar.”
Gage was the other junior partner at the firm. He was even more serious than me. I didn’t know him very well, but he and Logan were obviously close, and from what I could tell, he was okay. A little closed-off, I noticed, but then, so was I.
I conceded. “Sure. That sounds fun.”
“Perfect.”
Logan stood up, knocked twice on my wooden desk and walked out, leaving me alone in this office once again. I sat there for a long time, thinking.
Going out with the boys seemed like such a normal thing to do. I hadn’t done it since I was still in New York. Come to think of it, I hadn’t gotten laid in just about that same amount of time. That might be the very thing to get me motivated again. A perfect way to end the long work week, considering I would have to be back at Max’s house on Saturday to meet Olivia’s new boyfriend.
I almost grimaced at the thought.
It wasn’t that I minded being there. But I didn’t like this boy. And he was that—a boy. There was just something about him that rubbed me the wrong way. And he seemed way more interested in impressing Max then he was in impressing Olivia.
She was young and inexperienced. I didn’t want her to get hurt over this, but I didn’t see any way around it, especially since she got involved with the boy. I knew Max shared my worries. But unlike Max, I had no right to worry about her.
I shouldn’t even be thinking about my brother’s ward now.
So why couldn’t I stop?
12
Olivia
Saturday morning, I woke feeling apprehensive.
It shouldn’t be this hard. The whole meeting-the-parent thing, I mean. Kids do it all the time. But I had never been one of those kids. And Max would surely intimidate Lorenzo.
When I had invited Lorenzo over, he had sounded excited about the prospect of meeting Max. He even assured me that he didn’t scare easy. But that was because he never had to face someone like Max before.
There was one thing I learned about Lorenzo over the past couple of weeks that I found to be barely tolerable: He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. I didn’t even think Lorenzo knew what it meant to run into a challenge. There had never been a problem in his life that he couldn’t throw money at. I frowned down at my hands. That was how he got me to go out with him, wasn’t it?
I shook away the depressing thought. I shouldn’t be questioning either of our motives for being in this relationship. In fact, aside from the dates he took me on, where I let him pay for me, I had never asked him for anything. I didn’t need him to spend money on me.
I worked hard for my money, and even though being a cashier at the grocery store didn’t pay much, it was more than enough for me. I didn’t have any bills, and Max would be appalled if I ever tried to give him rent or grocery money.
Lorenzo often expressed his annoyance over my work schedule. He didn’t understand why I was working at all when he was sure that if I asked, Max would give me spending money. And I knew that was true enough. But I didn’t want it. It was important to me that I kept the same schedule I had before I came to live with him. Plus, I would never feel right about asking that of Max. He was already footing the bill for the absurd tuition the University of Chicago was charging me.
I let out a sigh and leaned back against the couch I’d been sitting on for the past fifteen minutes.
Suddenly, someone sat down next to me and I looked up in surprise. “Whoa there. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you, little one,” Mason said.
My nose wrinkled. Little one? Like something you would call a little kid? He grinned, as if he could tell what I was thinking.
He was carrying two mugs of coffee. He handed one to me with a smile. Like every time I was in Mason’s presence, my heart rate accelerated, and I could feel my temperature spiking. There was just something about him that I couldn’t get over, and that was bad, mostly because I was with Lorenzo, but also because Max would have a stroke if he’d ever found out.
This crush was turning out to be such an inconvenience.
“Thank you. And you didn’t. I was just surprised is all.”
“What’s got you so wrapped up in your head? You didn’t even hear me call your name.”
I blushed. Had he been calling my name? “Sorry. Just thinking about today.”
“Ah, the meeting.”
“You don’t have to say it so ominously.”
Mason threw his head back and laughed. I stared, mesmerize. I had never seen him laugh so cheerfully before, and it was a joyful sight to behold. That is until I realized he was laughing at me.
I scowled. Mason ruffled my hair. I scowled harder. This was such a big-brother gesture. Max liked to ruffle my hair, and though I wasn’t a fan of it, I didn’t mind it so much. But I didn’t want Mason to act like my big brother. Not when my feelings toward him were very unbrotherly.
“Ah, don’t look at me like that. I’m sorry. I just never heard a teenager use words like ‘ominously’ in a sentence before.”
I scoffed. “Well, I don’t know the kind of teenagers you’ve been talking to, but
this one does.”
I could feel my cheeks getting redder. Did I sound strange when I spoke? I never thought about it, but I had always been a little antisocial, and I knew I read more words than I spoke. But had I somehow adopted a way of speaking that was… weird?
Lorenzo sometime looked at me like I was, especially when I tried to discuss some of the plays I had been reading.
“Don’t feel bad. I think it’s great. I happen to like the way you talk.”
My flaming cheeks weren’t getting any better, but this time, it was for a completely different reason. Not knowing how to respond, I took a sip of my coffee, buying time to think of something else to say.
“Has Max talked to you about how he feels about Lorenzo coming today?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, is he excited to meet him… again? As my boyfriend this time.”
“Max is feeling a lot of things about today, but I don’t think excitement is one of them.”
I deflated a little. “Oh. It’s just, Max can be intimidating when he wants to be.”
“Yeah, that sound about right.”
“Well, you can be intimidating, too.”
He raised an eyebrow in question at this. “Oh?”
“Yeah. I think it’s genetics or something.”
Mason let out a small chuckle. “I hope you don’t think that’s a bad thing.”
“No. It’s not.”
“Listen, I don’t think you have worry so much about today. Everything will work out fine. And if it doesn’t, I don’t think you’d really want to be with someone who scares easily, anyway.”
I bet Mason wasn’t the kind of man others could easily intimidate or scare, if at all. Not even by his brother.
“Thanks, Mason. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Glad I can help. Now I’m going to help Max set up the barbeque. I love my brother to death, but I swear he’s practically useless in front of the grill.”
