by Jo Lovett
‘Why were you wracked with guilt?’ Should she have asked?
Sam didn’t speak for a few moments. Then he said, in an unsteady voice, ‘Because the accident was my fault.’
‘How?’ Was that too blunt a question?
‘I was driving.’ A blunt answer.
‘But you can’t have crashed on purpose?’
‘No. But I think I could have been driving more slowly and reacted better, maybe steered better so that the point of impact was more optimal. We were on a highway, probably pushing the speed limit a little, because we were late for lunch with my parents, because I’m always too busy. Someone turned left from a side road without looking left first, and hit us. I’d had very little sleep and I wonder if my reactions would have been better if I’d been less tired. And if the impact would have been less or if we wouldn’t have been hit at all if I’d been driving more slowly.’ His voice was bitter.
‘Sam.’ How awful. Such a burden for him to carry. Izzy wanted to reach out and hug away his pain. ‘No. We all drive slightly too fast on occasion. And so many parents are almost permanently too busy and too tired. I certainly am. Most parents I know are.’
‘I’m not sure. I let the kids down. Liv called for her mother in the hospital. I didn’t think she missed her in that way any more.’ The pain in Sam’s voice was heartbreaking. ‘And, you know, if she still had her mother, I’m sure her life would be a lot better now.’ Probably. And Sam and Izzy probably wouldn’t be here together like this and that was not relevant at this moment.
‘It’s incredibly sad that she lost her mother, but very lucky that she has such a caring father. The accident could literally have happened to anyone. And being tired probably made no difference.’
Sam didn’t speak for a few moments and then he said, his voice rough, ‘We smashed the window but we couldn’t get Liv out of the car. We had to wait for the emergency services. A passer-by stood with Barney, and I knelt and held Liv’s hand. She was in so much pain. I was scared out of my mind. Like, did she have internal injuries? Was the car going to explode? Would the ambulance arrive soon enough? When they got her out and onto a stretcher and into the ambulance, Barney stuttered for the first time. And he hasn’t stopped. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m to blame for it all.’
‘Oh, Sam. No.’ What a terrible experience. Izzy needed not to give in to the tears that were threatening, but to find some helpful words from somewhere. ‘You must think about it a lot.’
‘Yes. It’s always there. I have nightmares.’
‘I’m not surprised.’ Izzy paused. ‘Would you swap places with Liv if you could?’
‘Of course I would. I’d do anything to rewrite the history of that day.’
‘Exactly. Of course you would. You’re an amazing father. It’s so obvious. It was bad luck, not your fault. Bad luck happens.’
Sam stared straight ahead for a long time, and then he said, ‘Thank you. That helps.’
His voice sounded like it was clogged with un-cried tears. Izzy had to blink back her own tears again. She wanted so much to be able to hug him.
‘Maybe you should try talking to the twins about it, if you haven’t already?’ That had to help. They couldn’t possibly blame him.
‘I can’t.’
Well, that was understandable.
‘Look at your beautiful daughter now.’ Izzy pointed at Liv, who was chasing Barney down, almost as fast as him despite the accident and the extra inch or two he had on her. ‘Amazing.’
‘Yeah.’ Sam’s voice was still thick. ‘Thank you, again.’
They lay in silence for a few moments, a good silence.
And now it was like they were completely alone, just the two of them, on their blanket on the daisy-scattered grass, warm from the afternoon sun. Sam was only in the periphery of Izzy’s vision, but she knew exactly how he was lying, his right leg, the one closer to her, straight, his left one bent at the knee, so that the denim fabric strained over his very firm thigh, his body angled a little towards her as he leaned on his elbows and gorgeous forearms. If she turned her head very slightly, she could see him better. The top two buttons of his shirt were open, giving her a glimpse of dusky chest hair. It was a miracle that she wasn’t dribbling with desire.
Sam shifted a little, so that he was turned more towards her. His smile was smaller, more intimate than his usual broad grin, like it was just for her, like not a lot of other people would ever get to see him look like that. Izzy swallowed. He moved a little closer again. Now their hands were nearly touching. And their legs. Izzy was aware of every part of her body, desperate, frankly, to touch him and for him to touch her. He leaned even closer. It was just the two of them. All that would have to happen for them to be touching arms, legs, would be for one of them to move a little. Sam’s smile grew. Izzy was going to choke from lust. Was he moving his head towards hers? Their mouths were so close.
‘Dad,’ Liv yelled. ‘Barney threw the frisbee onto that roof.’
Sam remained completely stationary for a moment and then heaved a big sigh.
‘And?’ he called.
‘Can you get it?’
‘More trouble than you’re worth,’ he shouted back. ‘Coming.’ He sat up, slowly. ‘Right. Sorry. Got to go try be a frisbee superhero.’
Izzy was sorry too. She’d been so unbelievably ready for something to happen. For no good reason. They’d just been leaning back on a blanket in a busy London park, not even touching. Her heart was still thudding away as he jogged towards the kids. He moved very athletically. Her brain and body were going to be going phwoar all afternoon.
* * *
The upside of there being so much food was that, even though the kids had persuaded Izzy that they should start eating immediately, there was still a lot left for Sam when he’d finished borrowing a ladder from the museum staff and climbing up onto the flat roof of the ground floor to retrieve the frisbee.
‘Sorry about that.’ He lowered himself to the blanket between the twins. Izzy smiled at him, completely in control of her lust now, courtesy of the kids and the food.
‘I have to be honest—’ she gestured at all their plates ‘—we’ve had a lovely time eating all your delicious food.’ And watching his shoulder and arm muscles and bum through her pitch-black lenses while he climbed.
It was a lovely lunch. Great food and even better conversation. When they’d all finally recovered from their immense over-eating, Sam re-packed the picnic basket, refusing to let Izzy help on the grounds that he was hosting this picnic and it was the least he could do after she’d provided them with so many amazing recipes and thus so many fantastic family meal experiences over the past few weeks. Then they started to walk over to the boating lake, the girls in front, and Barney, Sam and Izzy a couple of paces behind.
Ruby was in complete older-girl-adoration mode now and Liv was wonderfully good-humoured with her. There was something really lovely about Ruby getting on so well with Sam’s children. And there was always something relaxing about being with Ruby but not having to do full-on parenting. It was like this when she and Ruby were with Emma and Rohan. Really, it felt as though Sam and the twins were old family friends.
When they got to the lake, Barney and Liv had an energetic argument over hiring a pedal boat versus a rowboat. Liv won, because Barney had to concede that they had been in a rowing boat before but they had not been on a pedalo before.
‘So, would Emma approve of this as a new experience?’ Sam asked, once they were all settled on the pedalo, only slightly wet.
He’d had to repeat his question because Izzy hadn’t heard him the first time, too occupied thinking about his shoulders.
‘Yes.’ Of course Emma would approve. Although it wouldn’t be the pedalo experience, it would be the ‘on the pedalo with Sam’ experience that she’d approve of. Now Izzy was feeling very hot. Any minute she was going to blush. She pointed at a biggish bird with a long neck and surprising colouring and tufts on its head. ‘Look at tho
se birds.’ Saved by unrecognisable wildlife.
‘The kids and I read up on the Serpentine this morning, in true tourist style. I think that bird was mentioned. Can’t remember its name.’
‘Great-crested grebe And, yes, thank you, I do have an amazing memory. Unlike you.’ Liv grinned at her father.
‘And the lake attracts a lot of insects, which means that there are a lot of bats here at dusk,’ Barney joined in.
This was nice. More than nice; it was fun.
The afternoon went quickly, and no-one fell in. The easy chat continued afterwards as they meandered along the path by the side of the lake.
Izzy was laughing at a joke of Liv’s when she noticed an elderly couple in a rowing boat, close to them, the old man half standing, wielding one oar only, and sending the boat round in circles. His oar caught on something and he started to fall.
‘Oh no,’ Izzy yelped. The old man reappeared from under the water and then went under again.
Izzy said, ‘Hold Ruby,’ to Liv and started to run. And then Sam powered past her and was jumping. A few seconds later, he’d emerged from the water holding the flailing old man in his arms. As it turned out, the water was only about five-foot deep, not even up to Sam’s shoulders. Sam spoke to the man and then set him down on his feet, holding him under his arms. With a lot of help from Sam the man made it to the edge, and Izzy and Barney pulled him out while Sam turned and front crawled – nice action – over to the old lady in the boat. She had thankfully stopped all the screaming and hand-wringing she’d been doing, and Sam pulled the boat over to the edge.
Izzy struggled to concentrate on helping the old lady out, because she was having a serious Elizabeth Bennet moment. Colin Firth as Mr Darcy had nothing on Sam as he jumped out of the lake. He had excellent chest, shoulder, stomach, thigh muscles. Very good proportions. Thank God for her sunglasses and the commotion now surrounding the soaking elderly man so no-one could see her ogling. Although, to be fair, she suspected she wasn’t going to be in the minority. Objectively speaking, Sam looked amazing.
Sam finished shaking the water out of his hair and looked up, catching Izzy’s stare. A slow grin spread across his face, like he knew exactly what she was thinking. There wasn’t a lot Izzy could do other than grin right back.
When they’d made sure that the boat owners had blankets for the old man and he was comfortable, Sam said, ‘So I should probably dry off a little in the sun before we walk back. Good job it’s so hot now.’
Which was ideal, because on top of the Mr Darcy moment, Izzy then got to ogle Sam again when he took his shirt off for it to dry over a branch in the sun and they all sat down on the blanket again. And yes, his naked chest and stomach and back were as expected. Muscly. Gorgeous light-brown skin. Very ogle-worthy. Never had a pair of dark sunglasses served a woman so well.
Until she realised that Liv was staring at her, with a hard, appraising look on her face, that was like nothing Izzy had seen from her before.
Liv had clearly realised that Izzy had the hots for her father; there could be no other explanation.
And then Ruby said, ‘Mummy, look, there’s Emma.’ Emma, Sarah and Geeta and their kids were waving manically at them from the path on the other side of the lake. Suddenly, on top of the glare from Liv, meeting Sam today felt almost sordid, or pathetically teenage. Like blowing out good friends for a date with the school heartthrob. Even though her friends definitely wouldn’t have minded and Emma’s text had been very last minute anyway.
Izzy’s phoned pinged. Emma, of course. Izzy couldn’t help looking at the message.
Is that Sam?? With no shirt and mega pecs and a six pack?? I need binoculars. Call me when Ruby in bed. Just a client, EH??
Marvellous. Definitely time to go.
‘Lovely to meet you, Barney and Liv.’ Izzy didn’t dare move to hug them. ‘And lovely to see you, Sam.’
‘Great to see you too. We’ll look forward to seeing you in New York next week,’ Sam said. Barney was smiling and Liv was looking daggers. ‘Why don’t you come over to the apartment for lunch or dinner?’
‘Great,’ Izzy said. Although maybe it wouldn’t be such a good idea given Liv’s evident antipathy.
‘Cool,’ Barney said.
‘Yay,’ Ruby said.
Looked like they were going.
Sam and Izzy kind of hovered in front of each other for a second, neither of them raising their arms for a hug, the awkwardness magnified hugely for Izzy knowing that Liv was watching, and then Izzy grabbed Ruby’s hand and pulled her away, calling, ‘Bye,’ over her shoulder.
‘I had a really nice time,’ Ruby told Izzy when they were sitting on the Tube on their way home.
‘Me too,’ Izzy said. She had, though some things could have been better. Liv. The Emma, Sarah and Geeta sighting – little bit embarrassing. The conflict she felt between her undeniable feelings for Sam and loyalty to Ruby and Dominic. The feeling of things left unsaid – she’d have loved to have spent more time talking to Sam. And the feeling of things left undone. As wrong as she knew it was, part of her – a very significant part of her, if she was honest – would have loved for that kiss on the rug to have just happened.
Seventeen
Sam
Sam settled back into his airplane seat and looked at the twins. They were laughing together over something on Barney’s phone, probably incomprehensible to anyone over the age of twenty. Their weekend in London, nicely rounded off by an evening river cruise and a trip on the London Eye this morning with the twins’ grandparents, had been great for family bonding.
The only thing that had marred it had been a teenage tantrum from Liv yesterday when they were leaving Hyde Park. Giving no reason, she’d told Sam in impressive language that she really disliked Izzy, in direct contrast to what she’d said on Saturday. When he’d asked her why, she’d gotten very angry and refused to say any more. Maybe he’d talk to her again about it when he was alone with her.
Other than Liv’s strange behaviour, the only downside about the weekend had been that he and Izzy hadn’t had enough time to talk. She was the first person he’d told about his guilt over the accident and his shoulders felt a little lighter now. Incredible, really, how good it had been to talk to her. He should have opened up about his feelings before now. Somehow, though, it had felt easier with Izzy than with anyone else.
He wanted to find out more about her too.
And in that moment, on the rug, he would have liked to have done something a lot more intimate than talking. In retrospect, it was obviously a good thing that he’d had to go get the frisbee.
It was probably silly, given that they shouldn’t and wouldn’t be more than friends, but he was very much looking forward to seeing Izzy again on Saturday in New York.
Anyway, overall, London had been a great weekend. He needed to make more time for quality experiences with the twins.
‘Let’s all watch the same two films now,’ he said to them on impulse. ‘One of Liv’s choice and one of Barney’s choice. As though we’re going to the movies together.’ His work could wait. Well, he could maybe skim through some documents while he was watching the films, but he wasn’t going to go back to his full schedule until tomorrow morning.
‘Yes and then we can compare notes.’ Liv looked genuinely enthusiastic.
Sam was actually somewhat grateful to have documents to read when he discovered that Barney’s choice was a Marvel Avengers film and Liv’s was a teenage high school screaming girl thing. But it was still good to be sharing experiences with them.
He was going to text Luke when they landed. Squeeze in a beer or lunch in the next week. Taking a long weekend away from work was a good reminder of what was most important in life. Family and friends.
He had an email from Izzy waiting for him on his phone when they landed early evening New York time, just a chatty one. It felt as though the London trip had very much cemented their friendship. But had it also left him wanting more than that? He didn’t w
ant to think too much about that.
Sam’s sense of wellbeing from the weekend had almost entirely dissipated by the end of the evening. When they’d arrived back at the apartment, Barney had gone straight to his bedroom and Liv had followed Sam into the kitchen.
‘Nice weekend, huh?’ He was concentrating on pouring juice for the two of them, so he wasn’t looking at Liv’s face.
‘Really?’ Her tone of voice was bizarrely hostile, so he looked up. Her stare was unnerving in the extreme. Piercing. Like she could see into his soul and she didn’t like what she saw. Except Sam had no idea what she’d seen. Hadn’t they just had a fantastic weekend away together?
‘Um.’ Should he mention her meltdown on Sunday afternoon about Izzy? Was this a continuation of that? Or was it something else entirely? Jesus, he missed Lana. He was so out of his depth here.
‘Forget it.’ She did a magnificent head toss, slammed her glass down on the table so hard that juice splattered out and stamped her way out of the room.
Right.
He should probably go after her.
She didn’t answer any of his knocks on her bedroom door, or his cajoling.
Right. She clearly needed his time. He thought she did, anyway. But she was also clearly angry right now. He’d go and check his work emails and come back to knock on her door every so often to see if she wanted to talk. He wrote a note telling her he loved her and put it under her door.
In his office, he ploughed steadily through some work. He addressed a query from their Houston office, dealt with a point on a contract, agreed to give a lecture to Harvard alumni next month. All fine.
Until, woah, a big email. He needed to put his pitch in by the end of this week for the head of department role. Hours of extra work putting the pitch together. So he’d have zero time for the kids and they were on vacation. And, again, was it what he wanted? Maybe he should try to discuss it with Ash. If he had time.
