A Father's Dreams

by Andrew Petoski

  “Hi Vikki.”

  “Oh my god, Ben! How are you? How is Hadley? Does she like the house? What are you two doing? Sorry, I’ll shut up,” she quickly stammers.

  “Everything’s good. She’s passed out on the couch now.”

  “Figures, remember she has to wake up eventually. Girl’s probably been through hell. I’d just let her rest.”

  “I am.” I fill Vikki in on the discussion I had with the social worker and what’s coming up in the year to come. She listens intently as I whisper into the phone as if my voice would wake Hadley through her music, exhaustion induced slumber. When I finish filling Vikki in, she tells me how happy she is for me and that if I need anything to just give her a call. Then she asked if I had any tampons or pads, and I told her no. She said she’d stop by after work and just drop them off on the porch so she doesn’t startle Hadley. I thanked her as I skimmed through the social worker’s papers with school info and upcoming appointments.

  Hadley’s first appointment will be tomorrow afternoon with Dr. Schuder. I have to make a good impression on her, but I’m not sure how to. I guess I’ll just try to by myself and not overwhelm her with affection like I want until she’s ready to approach me. The phone has been silent for a couple minutes now between me and Vikki so I thank her for being there for us and tell her good-bye.

  There’s about ten minutes left to go on the meatloaf and the smell is filling the house. I can tell it has reached Hadley as I watch her begin to stir and stretch from my chair in the kitchen. I just hope she likes meatloaf.

  A few more minutes go by as she continues to yawn and stretch before sitting up. Hadley catches me looking at her, and I avert my eyes down to my phone to try and make her comfortable. I didn’t want to come off as some overbearing guy that didn’t give her any space.

  Hadley walks in from the kitchen and for the first time in I don’t know how many years takes a seat across from me at the table.

  “So what’s for dinner?” she asks as if she’s always been here.

  I’m caught off-guard and set the phone down to look at her. She peers right back into my eyes with the same baby blues I remember and asks again.

  “What’s for dinner?” trying to get me out of my daze.

  “Oh, meatloaf. Do you like meatloaf?”

  “I like just about anything homemade. Mom usually just brought home take out or would make pizza or anything easy she didn’t have to think about.” I stare again in disbelief that I’m actually having a real conversation with her. Then I ask the question.

  “Is it really you Hadley?”

  “Yeah it’s me, same Hadley,” I still stare as the timer catches up to us. I let it go off and continue my awkward stare which was now masked by tears. “I can get it,” she says getting up.

  “No, really, I can,” I tell her and attempt to get up, but my body would not move. I try to stand again, but everything is like lead and I wasn’t going anywhere. Hadley just gave her first quick smile, ever so brief, but still real then found herself going through the kitchen to find the hot pads to take out the loaf.

  Watching her, I couldn’t believe she had grown up so much and with such independence as she took out our dinner. It was just the other night that I was carrying her through the zoo when she got tired after she barely climbed up into the welded truck.

  Setting the food on the table, she finds the plates and silverware and sets the table for the two of us. She takes the knife and cuts herself a generous portion before dousing it in ketchup. I finally regain my strength and stand then head for the fridge.

  “Milk okay?” I ask.

  “Milk’s great,” she replies to me. I grab the gallon from the fridge and fill her glass first and then mine before sitting back down at the table. Taking a slice I match her with ketchup, but not nearly as much.

  That was the only conversation we had all dinner. The rest of the time we were eating our food and taking turns glancing at one another, studying, trying to figure out the other person and who they were.

  Hadley finishes first and leaves her plate at the table to go back into the living room and curl up comfortably on the couch. She finds the remote, and I can hear the television flipping through the few channels I had over and over again. I might end up having to order cable to keep her.

  I finish my meal and clean up after the two of us. By the time I’m done and walk into the living room she had turned off the television and turned her headphones back on. Taking a risk, I turn on the radio to the local rock station and turn up the volume a little bit but not too much to overtake her ears more so just enough for her to hear it through her headphones.

  Sitting in the chair by her, I turn it back toward the TV and radio to not freak her out being like, right there, gawking at her. The next song comes on, and it is one of the newer hard ones.

  Hadley takes off her headphones and begins singing the song. The song is hard and they are occasionally screaming, but she had a way of filling the tune with her voice to mask the sound of hate and make it sound like an old ballad.

  I tune out the rest of the song and concentrate on her voice. It is nothing like the babbling toddler that I remember. Puberty was evidently coming into play as well when an occasional hoarseness came through her voice. I could not tell if it was actual puberty or intentional though with the yelling of the song. It may have been meant to sound that way. Either way, I was grateful that Vikki was going to stop by with the girl products.

  Getting up, I duck out of the room real quick to see if the package has arrived. Sure enough a second-hand gift bag was filled not only with girl products but also of some new shampoo and a couple of candles. Not sure if Hadley was into aromatherapy or anything, but the gesture said it all.

  Taking the bag upstairs I put the products on display on the bathroom counter so that she did not have to go looking or ask for anything if she needed it or cause embarrassment. I lit one of the candles in the bathroom to mask my man smell and the other I lit in Hadley’s new room to have the richness feel welcoming for her.

  Going back downstairs, Hadley had turned up the radio and was really into the music. Although not singing anymore her body would sway with the melody as if she were a part of it.

  I wanted to jump in and start with my air guitar but figured that might be too much for her first day. I walk through to the kitchen to take my spot solving puzzles and keep an eye on her.

  She listens to her jam for about thirty minutes before I actually stopped paying attention and was concentrating on my puzzle. Looking up, Hadley was gone.

  I jump up and scoot quickly to the living room. Not finding her I open the front door and look up and down the street hoping to spot her. Damn, if she ran off already there was no way the social worker would let her stay.

  Closing the door, I hear the floorboards creak above my head and take a sigh of relief. Trying to lower my blood pressure I head for the stairs to go up and check on her.

  Reaching the top of the flight Hadley comes out of the bathroom turning the light off behind her and then spots me coming to the top of the stairs.

  “Hey,” she says and passes by to the room she obviously figured out was hers. I walk to her doorway then stand there and watch her as she sets a duffle bag down that I don’t remember her coming with.

  “Sorry about the room. I wasn’t expecting you or anyone to be over staying the night.

  “I know. It’s okay.” she goes back to taking out her clothes and hanging them up in the adjoining closet.

  “Well, if you need anything just let me know. You have an appointment tomorrow with a therapist in the afternoon, but you can sleep in as long as you’ll like til then. I just don’t know how comfy that pull-out will be. The bars may dig into your back.”

  “Stop worrying. I’m fine,” she tells me with an air of confidence.

  “Just the same, I’ll be downstairs. Don’t be afraid to wake me if I’m out.”

  “Okay,” she finishes unloading her bag into the closet
and pulls out the sleeper sofa then shoos me out of the room. I close the door, flushed and take a deep breath then head downstairs.

  It is dark now, and I head outside to gaze at the stars. Looking up at the night sky I exhale my smoke and thank the stars for bringing her back home to me before heading back inside and to bed right away. In case she was an early riser I wanted to be out early tonight.

  Changing the sheets and comforter out on the bed for a fresh start I throw the old ones in the washing machine in the basement and then head back upstairs to bed.

  The thoughts of the day race through my mind, and I am not able to see anything but flashes of my Hadley, with purple and red hair about the house, eating with me and singing. No more tears come tonight, and I take a big yawn as the day catches up with me. I rest my head and fall asleep.

  12

  Matt is getting ready to go out for the night. It’s Friday and school is done for the week. He’s planning to go bowling and then to a bonfire at our place afterwards.

  Matt comes down in jeans and a polo. Kid looks just like me on the daily. He goes into the closet by the front door and pulls out his bowling bag with two balls and a pair of shoes inside. The bag is on rollers and clanks by on the hardwood as he heads for the back door to leave.

  “Dad can I take the truck tonight?” he asks.

  “What time are you all coming back for the fire?”

  “We’ll be home a little after eleven when the lanes close.”

  “Yeah you can take the truck, no later than twenty after eleven though.”

  “Alright, later,” Matt grabs the keys off the table and heads out the back door. I listen as he puts his bag in the back and closes the door then hops in himself and starts up the truck. The sound gets louder as he backs out past the window and then begins to fade away as he drives off.

  Every Friday night the local bowling alley has their glow time for the teenagers and college kids. I’ve looked in a couple times while dropping him off with his friends. They have all kinds of lasers and backlights and contests with colored pins where you can win cash if you get a strike when they come up. It looks like a great time for the kids, but all the moving lights and lasers give me a headache after being in there for more than ten minutes. I usually just stop in and say, “Hey” to his friends before and maybe catch the first couple frames before the lights go out and lasers come on for the evening special.

  With Matt gone, I start making preparations for his friends coming over. I pull out bags and bags of chips, a couple boxes of soda, and two packages of hot dogs. In the basement, I find the large folding table and carry it up and outside to the backyard.

  Going back into the kitchen I grab the food and bring it out to the table in the backyard. Moving to the garage I search for the large cooler I had for road trips and fishing. I finally find it tucked in the rafters and grab a step-stool from the corner to bring it down. Filling it with bags of ice I got earlier in the day from the freezer I empty the boxes of soda in and close the lid before placing it to the side of the table.

  Food prep being done I move over to the old woodpile I had stacked on the side of the garage. Most of it was split, but I grabbed my hatchet and one of the split logs to trim it down for kindling. Working up a sweat from the one log, I grab a beer from the garage and sit for a minute in the lawn chairs around the burn pit.

  Finished drinking, I go back to splitting the one log for kindling and then prep the fire. Newspapers go in crumpled first, followed by the kindling I just made and finally three normal logs in a tepee on top.

  I grab another beer then go back and light the fire. Having some time to myself I figure I would get it going for the kids so they didn’t have to wait for the blaze. An hour goes by while I sit with my beer, tending the fire until I hear the distinct muffler of the truck approaching. Matt pulls into the driveway, and he and Clara climb out and walk over.

  “You got the fire going already, that’s great,” Clara tells me as she walks over to the cooler and grabs a cola. Matt walks over to me and sits alongside by the fire.

  “How was your night so far?” I asked him.

  “I bowled a one eighty-two, but we won’t talk about the other games.”

  “One eighty two is good,” I tell him then take a sip. “So how many are coming?”

  “About six. We had around ten people tonight bowling, but about half needed to be home right after per their parents.”

  “Ah, and the rest?”

  “They’re all good til midnight or one.”

  “Sounds good. Fires going out at twelve thirty so that should get them home in time.” Clara comes over and sits with us by the fire.

  “What you boys talking about?” she asks.

  “Just about tonight,” Matt tells her. A car pulls up in front of the house and you can hear the clamor of teens as the doors opened. Matt gets up and greets the visitors either shaking their hand or giving them a manly hug.

  “Well you all have fun. I’ll be inside,” I tell Clara getting up.

  “Thanks Ben.”

  “Woods on the side of the garage when you need more and hose behind the table if you need it,” I point out the two spots to Clara and head inside the house.

  Passing the time, I turn on the news and work on my sudoko. Every now and then the kids get riled up about some story and you can hear them temporarily increase their volume. I keep the window open so the I can monitor how loud their being in case I need to come out and yell at them before the neighbors or bird lady make a call.

  Hadley is upstairs in her room reading while trying to ignore her brother’s friends. That and I wouldn’t let her hang out with the older high school boys. Her time will come in a couple years. I can hear her come down and stand in front of me.

  “Can you please tell them to shut up or at least keep it down? I can’t concentrate on anything,” she tells me.

  “Sure,” I tell her getting up from my chair and heading to the back where the kids were. Checking the clock before I walked out it was ten to midnight. Walking outside the teens fell silent when they spotted me and waited for my announcement.

  “Its ten til midnight, those of you needing to be home by 12 its time to take off. For the rest of you noise ordinance is in effect so you have to keep it down or the fire’s going out.”

  “Okay Mr. Curry,” a couple respond in unison. Three of the six got up to leave making it just Clara, Matt, and one of their friends. I overheard the last friend ask Matt if it was cool for him to drop him off at 1 by his house.

  “Dad is that cool if I drop off Tyler later?”

  “Yeah that’s fine,” I tell him as I didn’t want just Matt and Clara hanging out by themselves until then.

  Going back inside Hadley thanks me for getting them to quiet down and then heads back upstairs to her room. I sit back down and turn on late night TV to pass the next forty minutes until it was time to put the fire out and the kids to leave.

  Losing track of the time it’s now twelve forty, and I get up turning off the TV and head outside. Without saying anything I pick up the hose and Matt heads over to grab it from me. I turn the water on and then return inside knowing they will get things done.

  Clara comes in and out of the house a few times, bringing in the remnants of the food and setting them all on the table. Soon, she stops coming in, and I hear the truck start up.

  I step outside briefly to bid them good-night and head back in. I don’t wait for Matt to get home before getting ready for bed. I leave the food; I’m tired and calling it quits. I lay there awake with the window open until I hear Matt return with the truck and sneak inside to his room. I get up to close the window as it’s supposed to drop to the low forties and that’s a bit cool, even for me. Matt’s door shuts, and I collapse onto the bed and call it a night.

  Waking up I can hear Hadley in the kitchen. I get myself dressed and throw on a pair of slippers as the cold of the floor was seeping through my socks. In the kitchen, Hadley was siting at the table
with a bowl of cereal and cup of coffee in front of her.

  “Morning,” I say groggily walking in.

  “Morning,” she responds. Going to the cupboard I grab a new mug and pour myself a cup of coffee from the pot she had made.

  “Your mom let you drink coffee?” I ask.

  “Do you let me?” was her response.

  Touché.

  “I don’t see why not,” I tell her, sitting down across from her. Hadley sips at her coffee and then slurps up the rest of her milk. Following it with some more coffee she sets her empty bowl down.

  “So what are we doing today?” she asks looking to me.

  “Well, you have an appointment today with your new therapist, but until then we can do whatever you’d like.”

  “I want to hit up a couple of thrift stores and look for some stuff for my room if you don’t mind,”

  “Not at all,” I respond. “Let’s finish our coffee; then we can take off.”

  “So what’s with the locked door?” she catches me off guard and I choke on my coffee, burning my throat.

  “Well do you want to go shopping or deal with a locked door?” I ask.

  “Let’s go shopping, but you’re not getting away with the door.” Hadley tells me.

  Not wanting to finish my coffee and wanting to get away from the door subject, I get up and grab the truck keys.

  “You ready?” I ask her.

  “Yup,” she chugs her coffee, and then follows me out. There’s like four thrift stores in town and I don’t know where to start so I just pick the closest one and head there.

  Inside is typical; a bunch of old clothes and furniture with a ton of odds and ends that probably just sit on the shelf collecting dust for years. Following Hadley she goes straight to the furniture selection, and I immediately get an idea of what she’s looking for. At least for some kind of bedroom set. She begins by browsing the bed frames.

  “Bars in your back last night?” I ask her.

  “Yeah, was fine for now but I can’t do that for long. What’s my price point?”