A Father's Dreams

by Andrew Petoski

“Well you’re looking well today,” she says, sitting down. I take my loveseat across from her and cross my legs.

  “Yeah it’s been pretty good. I got the car running the other day with Ed and we went for a cruise around town.”

  “That’s great. I was afraid you’d just let that thing sit forever.”

  “I know I surprised myself too! Vikki and Ed were over, and we were talking about the good times. The next morning I just found myself in the garage shining and waiting for Ed to come out to help me finish tuning her.”

  “That’s great! But how have things been for you with Hadley and Matt?”

  “We’ll I’ve been taking my pills you ordered, so I haven’t been seeing them at all during the day.”

  “And at night?” she questions.

  “I still enjoy spending time with them at night. I’m not sure whether it’s good for me or not in the long run, but it’s been making me happy in the short term.”

  “Well if it’s been working I say its okay to keep dreaming about them. There’s no harm in dreaming as long it’s not negatively effecting you.”

  “Yeah the dreams have been helpful, but…” I start.

  “But what?” she asks.

  “But since going through the files, I’ve been up again searching for Hadley and Matt online.”

  “Did you find them?”

  “No.”

  “And how does looking for them affect you?”

  “Well I get all excited at first. The thought that this might be the day I find them is great, but it always amounts to nothing. Then I start getting depressed.”

  “What do you do when you get depressed?”

  “I usually have a couple cigarettes or go find something else to do to get my mind off them until I can get to sleep and spend time with them again.”

  “So no thoughts of harming yourself or anyone else?”

  “Nope.”

  “Okay. Well as long as you’re able to handle it appropriately and if it gives you hope I don’t see a problem with you looking for them either. However, if it becomes too emotional or hard to handle you need to stop like you have been and recenter.”

  “I will,” I promise.

  “Well sounds like everything is somewhat normal so I think we’re just going to keep doing what we’re doing. I did, however, refer you to an at home sleep study so when you’re done here you need to go to the hospital and pick up the equipment from the front desk. A nurse there will explain to you how to use it. Just follow their instructions at home tonight.”

  Sleep study? I had hoped we were past that, but I guess she needs to cover all her bases.

  “Yeah, I can pick it up,” I tell her.

  “Good. Well I think we’re done for today. We can call it early. Keep taking those pills every morning and I would recommend trying to keep spending more time with Ed and Vikki. They seem to be a good support team for you.” I thank her and she escorts me back to the waiting room. Doing well, I got a smile on my face for once as I walk back out.

  The truck is still warm, and I head straight to the local hospital. I have to wait ten minutes before a nurse becomes available as she was coming from the emergency room. She picked up a plastic bag which contained a box and some of those nostril tubes. All she told me to do was turn the box on with the switch on the side before I went to bed and wear the nostril hoses correctly on my nose, looping them back behind my ears. Then turn off the machine when I wake up in the morning and drop it back off where I’m picking it up now. That’s not so bad, especially for only one night.

  I take the bag of equipment and get the heck out of there. Not knowing what to do I end up driving up and down the beach again. This time I park the truck and get out to take a quick little walk. The rocks by the shore seem inviting and there's a good view of the surfers out today so I decide to take a seat and watch for a while. There are three surfers out in front of me and two more getting ready down by the beach.

  They would paddle alongside each other until one decides to stroke quickly to catch a wave as the other two, not including me, watch as he attempts to ride it all the way back to shore. They typically get only about half way back in as the waves were not that big closer to shore and would die out, not allowing them to ride it all the way in.

  The fresh air of the sea fills my lungs and is wet with spray. The droplets don’t bother my lungs, probably too much in there already for them to care. Watching the surfers, I think of how much Matt would love to be out there with them. The thought quickly passes and I think about going over to Ed’s shop to give him an update.

  Getting up, I light a cigarette for the walk back to the truck and walk backwards as long as I’m able to watch the next surfer make their attempt. He wipes out, and I turn around right before falling off the curb. I’m able to catch myself upright and keep walking for the truck.

  My phone goes off, and I check to see who’s calling, just my neighbor. We call her the bird lady because she has like thirty birds in her house. You can hear them singing all the time in the summer and all night when her windows are open. Thankfully they’re sensitive to cold, so I haven’t had to be kept up by them recently.

  Not knowing what she wants, I let it go to voicemail and hop in the truck. The trip over to Ed’s is quick and I’m rapidly trying to think of what to share with him when I go in. My thoughts go too quickly, and I say screw it. I’ll figure it out when I see him and grab my phone before going in.

  Walking into the store, my phone goes off again, and I hit the silent button so I can talk to Ed. Before I can get over to the counter, Ed’s phone rings and he holds up a finger for me to wait.

  I go over to the counter and lean up against it, waiting for him to finish. Hanging up the phone Ed walks over.

  “Have you been ignoring bird lady the last half hour?” asks Ed.

  “Yeah, I’ve been busy all morning. Why? That her again?”

  “Yeah, that was her. She seemed upset, and all I could make out was that you need to get your ass home. Then there was something about your house, and I couldn’t make out the rest.”

  “Okay. Well I’ll be quick then, not sure what all her fuss is about. Maybe one of her birds got sick of her and flew over to my roof again. Anyways, Dr. Schuder went well. She says to keep it up but be careful about too much time with the kids. Then she sent me over to pick up a sleep test from the hospital that I gotta use tonight.”

  “That ain’t bad. I took the same thing once. They gave me one of those C-PAPs, and I’ve never slept better since.”

  “Cool. Well I’ll let you know how it goes. I’ll check back in later when I’m done with bird lady. Shouldn’t take more than an hour.”

  “Alright Ben, take care.”

  I wave good-bye to Ed, head for the truck, and home to bird lady.

  11

  Taking my phone out, I check it. Four missed calls from bird lady. I set the phone down in the cupholder and continue on my way. Passing the school, I know I have one more turn before arriving home. Getting to the corner stop sign I pause with the truck while looking at the scene at my house.

  Bird lady is outside with her hands on her hips, staring at me with a frustrated and impatient look. She reminded me of my mother, ready to scold me for throwing eggs at cars passing by from while hiding in the tops of the trees over the road in front of our house.

  Parked in front of my house is a local sheriff. Cautiously I take the turn from the stop sign and pull up into the drive. I turn the truck off and step out. The sheriff steps out of the squad and meets me by the front porch. Anxious and unsure of the situation, I pull out a cigarette.

  “Mind if I smoke?” I ask the female officer as she approaches.

  “Not at all. Are you Mr. Ben Curry?”

  “Yes,” I respond hesitantly.

  “Take a seat,” I sit down on the steps as instructed. The officer begins to speak to me, and the tears flood. I just couldn’t believe what was happening. The officer continued to speak to me, but I had
no idea what she said. I was focused on her first words and continued to repeat them to myself as I began to search around the neighborhood from where I was seated. For the first time, I noticed that the street was alive. Over half the neighbors were outside watching me as I could not control my emotions.

  As I looked around, I spotted another sheriff car driving down the street towards us. Behind them was Vikki in her car with Ed beside her. The two cars pulled up across the street from the house, and Ed and Vikki jumped out right away to watch. Vikki could not hold her emotions either, as she stood there watching, with tears running down her face.

  I look over to the squad that parked in front of Vikki as the officer gets out and walked to the back door, blocking my view and opened the car door. It took a moment before a middle aged woman steps out and waves to me then turns back around to the squad. She reaches in and helps her out.

  The sun hit her purple and red cropped hair, and everything hit me at once. Finding myself not breathing, I gasp for air as I wait for the two of them to approach. The social worker led the way with Hadley following slowly behind. The social worker approaches and stands in front of me to introduce herself and I gently guide her to the side so that I could watch her come back to me. I could not believe that the purple haired girl I came across the other night was not only mine but was here. I hated myself for a moment for not recognizing my daughter when I had found her online, but it was quickly overcome with an overwhelming joy that I could not describe.

  Hadley keeps her head down as she approaches in her worn jeans and rock band t-shirt. She’s nervous to even look at me. I couldn’t imagine the horrifying lies her mother had told her about me so I would graciously accept her nervousness and caution towards me as a minuscule price to pay for having her back.

  I stand up to greet her and give my daughter a hug, but she walked right passed me and into the house. The social worker asks to come inside to go over some things. Bewildered, I agree and follow her in.

  Hadley was already sitting down on the couch and had headphones on in the moments it took for me and the social worker to step inside after her. Giving her the space she was indicating she wanted I guide the social worker to the kitchen where she sat and offer her a drink. Graciously she accepts a glass of water, and I follow suit getting water for myself as well. I then sit down at the table to where I could see Hadley laying there on the couch trying to zone out.

  “So there are a few items we need to go over before I can leave the two of you,” the social worker started. “First of all my name is Heidi, and I will be working with the both of you through this transition through the first year.”

  She went on to explain how Hadley had returned to me. For several years social services has been monitoring the situation at home as Hadley had been opening up more and more to her school counselor of how she was being treated by her mother. She was being discarded most of the time as if she didn’t even exist in praise of her brother who could do no wrong and was essentially a mother-made prince.

  Hadley had grown sick of being set aside and all the negative emotional abuse she was receiving. It got to the point where Hadley couldn’t take it anymore and got into a physical altercation with her mother. The social worker continued to explain how Hadley was then taken from her home and placed in temporary foster care. Hadley was then given the choice to remain in foster care or return to her father whom she barely knew except for the tales that came from her mother.

  Living through the belittlement and lies her mother put her through she decided to take the gamble that the stories told of him were untrue and decided she wanted to be with her real family.

  Delaware Social Services then got ahold of the local departments here and found the history of me fighting to regain my rights to the children. They also investigated my therapist for a pre-assessment to determine if I was capable of raising her before bringing her home.

  So that was what all the testing was really about with Dr. Schuder.

  Anyways Hadley is here now, and Heidi will be checking in with Hadley every week or two to see how things are going and ensure she still wants to remain here. Heidi explained to me that I needed to enroll Hadley at the local high school for her freshman year. Freshman year. She explained that it did not have to be right away and that I could hold off on her going until Thanksgiving to give her time to adjust and trust her new environment. Heidi continued on about school, and I looked up to Hadley.

  She had already passed out on the couch, probably from exhaustion from the trip and the years of ordeals she had gone through. God, we have so much to catch up on. Heidi finished her directions on schooling and handed me the registration paperwork. She then went on to explain that Hadley needed to see a therapist at least every other week for the next year and that arrangements have already been made with Dr. Schuder to coordinate our appointments.

  She finished by apologizing that Matt will be staying with his mother but then congratulated me on having Hadley back. We shook hands, and I thanked her for everything then guided her past Hadley to the front door.

  Everyone was back inside or gone now except for one squad waiting to take the social worker back. Even Vikki and Ed left. I wave good-bye to the social worker as she enters the back of the squad and then dropped to the steps as they drove away.

  I could not believe it. Hadley was just inside, feet from where I sat now, sleeping in her home right where I always wanted her to be. It was really happening. I take out a cigarette and try to get a grasp of everything that had just occurred.

  Putting out my cigarette I could not sit there and smoke while she was inside. Careful to be quiet with the door I enter the house and tip toe into the living room where she is sleeping. I go to my chair next to the couch and turn it towards her carefully, trying not to wake her. I could hear the rock music coming from her ears, and it was the same stuff that I listen to on most nights.

  Watching her closely, the thin blanket which was previously on the back of the couch slowly rises and falls with each breath she took. Matching her breathing I sit there and stare at her sweet face for at least twenty minutes.

  My thoughts soon begin to wander. There is much I had to do, and I wanted to take advantage of her sleeping to get some of it started.

  The first thing I do is walk to the kitchen and started to pour out all the booze. A few beers in the fridge I left because I didn’t see anything wrong with having a beer or two with dinner, but all the whiskey, vodka and hard liquor has to go. There was no more need for any drunken stupors to get myself to sleep and see her. I bring over the trash can and set the empty bottles into the dispenser as I went. Soon, the alcohol is gone and I wrap up the bag and take it out to the garage until the trash pickup comes later in the week.

  Next I go back inside and stand in the living room watching Hadley sleep again for a few moments before I headed upstairs. Going into the spare bedroom, I take apart my computer and move it downstairs to the living room. Next I move the desk it was sitting on. I set them up quietly on the far side of the living room. Thankfully her music was drowning out my clumsy noises of moving around her so she did not stir.

  There is not an actual bed in the spare room, but there is a pull-out couch along the left wall for those nights I couldn’t get back to my room. Taking out all the other furniture and possessions I take them downstairs into the basement.

  We would have to go out later to pick up a bedroom set for her, but the couch will have to suffice in the meantime. I go to the linen closest and take out my best down comforter and a sheet set with two pillows and fold them neatly on the couch in what will now be her room.

  Next is the hard and exciting part because I did not know how she would take it. Well, I better leave it to later. I don’t want to overwhelm her on her first day or think I’m a nut, so I call it good and then go back downstairs.

  Hadley is still sound asleep on the couch, so I go to the kitchen to see what we got for dinner in the fridge. I was excited to grill out som
e steaks for her, but I had none. The only meat that was left was a couple pounds of ground chuck so I take out my phone and look up a recipe for meatloaf. I’ve made meatloaf like twice in my life but both times it turned out good, so I am hoping for the same result this time. After all, it will be Hadley’s first meal with her dad in her new home.

  The thought quickly came to mind to take her out to the diner, show her off to Vikki, go to Ed’s, and throw a huge party for her homecoming, but she seemed to just need peace and tranquility.

  It takes me a couple minutes to find the parsley for the meatloaf, and I take out the onion from the fridge. My eyes begin to water from dicing the onion and send me into tears once again. It triggered the thought of Hadley being home again, and my emotions run wild as I continue to dice.

  Finally having everything together, I hide the rest of the onion in a baggy and quickly get it away from me and back into the fridge before I bawl again. I vigorously stir the ingredients in a large metal bowl and then pan the loaf when my mixings complete. It’ll take about an hour to cook in the oven, which gives me plenty of time to sit down to some sudoko at the table in view of Hadley.

  The time begins to pass more and more slowly as I am unable to concentrate on my puzzle with my daughter there before me. I wonder what made her cut her long hair and dye it purple and red. It was probably an act of defiance against her mother. The thought of her standing up for herself and having the courage to fight back put a proud smile on my face.

  Not able to concentrate on anything but her, I think of what I can do to pass the time. I can hardly sit still, wanting to wake her up and show her the world and how beautiful it could be, but I make myself hold back and wait until she’s ready.

  The phone stares at me from the table, and I pick it up and begin to file through my contacts. It takes forever to scroll down, but I eventually come to Vikki’s cell. I hit her contact info and the phone dials. Bringing the phone up to my ear she immediately answers.

  “Hello.” No words come to my mouth. She asks hello again, and I finally answer.