Like You Mean It

by Jillian Liota

  My stomach plummets.

  “Now, Annie sounds adorable and I want to meet her and her boy as soon as we come home. But, it does concern me that you sound more concerned about hurting Annie than hurting your girlfriend. It might not be intentional that you’re hurting her, but that doesn’t take away the fact that it’s probably happening, and it’s important in any relationship to take time to fix something if it’s broken, or about to break. So it might be a good idea to limit the time you spend with her until you and Jess figure things out. While you shouldn’t have to seek Jess’ permission to have a friend, being a good partner means taking your girlfriend’s feelings into account and talking it out until you both come to a compromise or agreement.”

  “You’re starting to sound like a therapist again,” I say, sinking into the couch in the living room.

  “Well, I should have been one, because I give excellent advice.”

  I let out a laugh and she follows.

  “Do you like Jess, mom?”

  There’s a pause, and I feel like it’s a loaded one.

  “I’ve definitely enjoyed the conversations we’ve had in the few times I’ve talked to her. But keep in mind, sweetie, I don’t know her very well. You don’t invite her to family things, and don’t bring her over when she visits you. So I think a better question to ask is whether or not you like Jess. And if you do, are you actually showing that to her in the way you treat her.”

  My stomach turns over, and I change the subject. We talk a little bit longer and then get off the phone with a promise to BBQ once they get back from Florida. But I can’t get her comments out of my mind.

  Maybe I am considering Annie before Jess, putting Annie’s emotions before Jess’. But then I shake my head. It’s a hard thing to explain, I guess. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so confusing if Jess wasn’t being such a bitch. It’s hard to back her up and take her side, even just in my mind, when she’s doing things that make me wonder if she’s actually a good person or if she’s just been pretending for the past two years.

  I hop in the shower and shove those thoughts from my mind. I can’t fix anything right this second. So I rinse off, get ready for the day and head to work.

  «««« »»»»

  I’m at work for a few hours when I see a call from Jess. I click it over to voicemail. But then I remember my mom’s eternal emphasis on communication. And even though I seem to struggle to talk to Jess, I really should make sure this gets resolved. Regardless of what happens moving forward, avoiding the conversation isn’t going to solve anything.

  So I call her right back.

  “Hey,” she says, her voice small, nearly unrecognizable.

  “Hi Jessie,” I say, choosing to use her nickname. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Jess, it’s that she goes on the defensive pretty quickly, so the best thing I can do is make sure she feels safe while we’re having this chat.

  “Hi,” she whispers.

  I clear my throat and lean back in my chair, looking at the ceiling. We both let a beat of silence pass.

  “I want you to feel secure as my girlfriend, okay? I don’t want anything I do to make you wonder if I’m interested in someone else, or if I might cheat on you. And even though I am not at all happy with how you treated Annie – because I want to make it clear, Jess, the way you have been treating her has been absolutely horrible – I don’t think I realized just how much you were bothered by my interactions with her.”

  She makes a sniffling noise, and that’s when I realize she’s crying.

  “You okay over there?”

  “Yes,” she whispers and then sniffles again.

  “And see, I don’t want you to cry. And some of that’s my fault.” I take a deep breath. “So, I think it’s important we make some changes in our relationship that reflect how we feel about each other.”

  “What kind of changes?” she asks, and then I hear her blow her nose.

  “Well, I think we should go on more dates. And the next time you come up, we should spend some time with my parents. We should take that trip to Santa Barbara. And…” I sigh, “… and I’ll make a more concerted effort to rotate visits, so I can get to know your friends.”

  I absolutely loathe these ideas. And I don’t know why they are such thorns in my side. Actually, no, I do know why. It’s because I like my life in boxes. There’s work life, and sex life, and family life and home life. And it’s okay if every once-in-a-while, something crosses over. But none of them should merge. It makes things less complicated. Less emotional. Less difficult.

  But I think this is something Jess needs. To, I don’t know, feel like I’m more serious about her, I guess.

  So even though I don’t want to do any of these things, even though the idea of merging the different components of my life makes me feel uncomfortable, I know it’s the right thing to do. It’s a sacrifice I can make to try and make her happy.

  “I love that idea,” she says, and I instinctively shake my head, thankful she can’t see me. I can hear the joy in her voice through the phone, which only serves to make me feel even worse. Because while she thinks things are getting more serious, it feels like just the opposite to me. It makes me feel like, just saying some of this out loud, I need to pump the breaks.

  But Jess is important.

  Jess is important.

  It’s becoming like a chant, so I can remind myself.

  Which is probably the worst part of it all.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  ANNIE

  “Oh my lord.” I say, slapping my hand against my chest. “You are just the most handsome little man I’ve ever seen in my life, Mr. Jones!”

  Jones giggles and smiles at me, and I want to break down into tears.

  Last year, when I asked Jones what he wanted to be for Halloween, he had so many ideas that I couldn’t keep them straight. He wound up going as a mummy, because it was easy to wrap him in strips from an old white sheet and put some dark eye shadow around his eyes. But this year, the year when he has had access to so many superhero movies and tv shows, he only had one answer.

  He wanted to be his dad.

  I may have started crying when he told me, but I tried to hide it, even if I failed. And then I took my kid on a hunt to find a child-size suit and briefcase. Because even though to me, Andrew is an asshole who did me wrong, all Jones knows is that his dad wore a suit and had big important things to do all day.

  And if he wants to dress in a suit and tie for a job I still don’t understand, he’s going to be the best looking child businessman on the block.

  “Are you ready to go get all the candy?”

  He whoops and holds up his briefcase. He told me his briefcase is where he’s storing his take for the night, but I don’t think it’s gonna be enough space, so I’m carrying a traditional pumpkin bucket as I follow behind him.

  We head out to the street, where the sun is finally setting and groups of kids are walking around from house to house. Jones is like a man possessed, walking with purpose around the whole block in record time. But, I’m quite pleased at how polite he’s being. Letting other kids go first, only taking one or two pieces when the bowl is put in front of him at each door, when some of the other little shits are grabbing handfuls and shoving them into pillowcases.

  “Come on, mom!” he shouts, and takes my hand, dragging me on to the next house when I’m not moving fast enough to his liking.

  “Jones, careful,” I say on a laugh as he pulls me up a driveway. But it isn’t until he’s knocking on the door that I glance around and realize where we are, the fact that we’ve traversed the entire street and looped back around to the house next door to ours.

  Cole’s house.

  I haven’t seen Cole since dinner this past weekend. I mean, I’ve seen him take off on his motorcycle once or twice. But for the most part, he’s seemed to be pretty busy.

  Dinner on Sunday night was… interesting. Jones had a blast, and Cole and I had a pretty good conversation. But Jess
sat completely silent for most of the evening. Everything seemed fine – well, mostly fine – until we started eating, and I don’t know what happened or why she got upset. But every attempt I made to include her in the conversation resulted in one-word answers and sharp jabs of her fork into her potato.

  I think being pleasant but distant is going to be the name of the game moving forward. That girl just seems to be mad all the time, and I can’t really do anything about it.

  “Trick or treat!” Jones shouts.

  The door to Cole’s house opens and, for just a brief moment, I’m knocked a little unconscious by his costume. He’s dressed like Charlie Hunnam’s character in Sons of Anarchy. The Jax Teller look, complete with fitted flannel shirt, black leather club cut, dark jeans and black boots, seriously works on him. His coffee-colored hair, which he always wears back in a ponytail, is loose and hanging in a sexy, tousled wave that hits just below his ears. And he’s let that bit of scruff on his face grow in to a full beard and mustache, which is quite a different look than what I’ve grown accustomed to.

  I feel a little startled. Cole is my neighbor, who I have found vaguely attractive in an oh yeah he’s a nice looking guy kind of way. But this. This is launching him into an entirely other arena. This is the oh baby who the fuck is this guy kind of attractive. And I don’t know how I feel about realizing that.

  My eyes flick to his and I grasp the fact that I’ve been staring at him, completely mute, for who knows how long.

  “Sorry, what?”

  He smiles and runs his hand through his hair.

  “I said I like your costume.”

  I glance down at what I put on. When you’re pregnant, you’re limited just a bit in what you can choose, and I know I’m a few years late, but I couldn’t help it. A pleated gray skirt over jeans and tennis shoes, a striped shirt and jacket, complete the Juno costume that I threw together yesterday.

  “Thanks.” My response is friendly but guarded.

  “What about my costume, Cole?” Jones’ voice drags my eyes away from my neighbor, reminding me that my focus should be on my kid.

  “Well you look like quite the dashing young gentleman.” Jones’ chest puffs out at Cole’s compliment. “Who are you supposed to be?” he asks, his muscular arm popping up so he can lean against the doorjamb. “Are you a lawyer?”

  My mind fritzes out for a second. It’s like all I can hear is white noise, or like I’m floating under water. I don’t know what the fuck is happening to me right now – maybe I’m finally getting all those horny pregnancy hormones I’ve heard so much about – but all I can focus on is Cole’s muscular arms, which have a few tattoos swirling around his bicep and back under his shirt where I can’t see, and on the patch where his shirt his ridden up just slightly and I can see a gap of skin just above his Jeans.

  When my eyes flick to his, I know he knows I’ve been ogling him, and he gives me a devilish smirk.

  “No, I’m my dad!” Jones cries out, dragging my focus away from Cole’s body.

  I push a smile forward. “And you look just like him,” I say, bending down slightly and adjusting his tie.

  There’s an awkward pause where Cole and I catch eyes. And when I see that sexy smirk has been replaced by a look of sadness, I reach forward to take Jones’ hand.

  “Alright, mister. We’ve done the block. Lets go home and take a look at your loot!”

  “Yay!” Jones whoops and sprints off towards our house, yanking his hand from mine.

  In the excitement, I tip forward just slightly.

  And lose my balance.

  It all happens in slow motion.

  I can feel myself tilting, and I shift my head to look at the set of concrete steps that I’m going to fall down. I yell out some sort of curse and put my hands forward to brace myself for a fall. I try to shift my body so I’m not falling forward. Because I have a little guppy to protect.

  But then something hits me. Hard and from a direction I’m not expecting. I land with a thud, but not a rough one, on damp grass. But just as my body comes to rest, my head smacks onto the edge of the concrete driveway.

  When I open my eyes, I find myself on my side and laying on the ground in the grass. An arm is braced under me, and when I turn my head to look over my shoulder, I find Cole, wide-eyed and panting, kneeling with his body pressed flush against mine.

  “Holy shit,” he says, pulling his arms away and flopping down onto his back on the concrete driveway only a few inches from where I’m laying safely in the grass.

  I’m so overwhelmed at first it takes a moment for me to take stock of my body. Everything feels okay for the most part. I’m sure I’m gonna bruise on my hip, and maybe the area Cole’s arm was bracing me since it took such a big impact. Really it’s just the back of my head that is throbbing where it took a blow.

  “Oh my god, are you okay?” I hear someone’s voice that I don’t recognize – maybe another parent – and just a reminder that anyone else was witness to my fall has me bursting into tears.

  What if something had happened to my baby girl? I haven’t even named her yet. There are still so many things I need to do for her, and she doesn’t even have a name. And just like that, she could have been gone.

  “Annie?” Cole’s voice is right in my ear. “Annie girl, come on.” And then warm arms are around me, pulling me up until I’m sitting. “You’re okay. You’re okay. It was scary, but you’re fine. The baby’s fine.”

  His reassuring voice slowly calms me down, my sobs turning to soft cries and then to small shudders until my eyes are no longer fountains of tears.

  I’m so embarrassed. Embarrassed of falling and needing to be caught and saved. Embarrassed that I can’t seem to protect my little guppy girl without someone else’s help. And then, the worst, bursting into tears and having to be calmed down like some crazy lady. It figures that the only times I have meltdowns, it happens in front of my only friend.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m sorry I’m so crazy and you keep having to save me.”

  I glance up at him, where he sits so close to me, and he gives me a warm smile.

  “You’re not crazy. I can promise you that.” Then he tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. “But I’m happy to save you any time.”

  It’s an incredibly intimate moment, and I feel like I might cry again at the friendship and trust that passes between us. For just a second, his eyes drop to my lips. And I swear, every muscle in my body tenses.

  His eyes fly back to mine and he quickly hops up, the tension in the previous moment remaining in his wake. He reaches a hand out to pull me to my feet. But I wave him away.

  “I got it,” I say, lifting up to my knees then putting my hands flat on the ground and pushing myself up. “I got it.”

  When I finally come to standing, I wobble slightly and Cole steps over and takes my arm.

  “Woah. Head rush.” I take a second to steady. “Okay, I’m good.”

  Cole finally lets go, and then I turn and see Jones hovering a few feet away, a stricken look on his face, tears running down his cheeks.

  “Oh, baby,” I say, stepping towards him and kneeling down in the grass where he stands looking like the world is ending. “Are you okay?”

  Jones looks like he has too many words building up inside of him all vying for an opportunity to spout out at me, but nowhere to go. He looks like he’s ready to burst.

  “Jones, are you alright?” The gentle voice of Cole behind me seems to knock him out of his shock. He looks up at Cole then back at me.

  “Was it my fault?” he asks.

  “Oh, honey. It was an accident.” I reach up with a hand and wipe some tears from one cheek. “And I’m totally fine. So is the guppy, see?” I take his little hand in mine and place it on my tummy. As if on cue, my little girl performs her Rockette routine, and I see the relief flush over Jones’ face. “See?” I say again. “She’s totally fine. She just wanted to have her superhero moment where she launched into danger and came ou
t completely fine, huh?”

  Jones smiles, lightly rubbing my tummy. But then his little face furrows again.

  “What’s wrong?”

  His little lip trembles as he stands there trying not to cry. “I was worried you’d get hurt and go away like my dad.”

  And if that doesn’t just punch me in the gut, my daughter sure will.

  “I’m not going anywhere, okay?” I place both hands on Jones’ shoulders and pull him closer to me, so we are just a few inches apart. “It’s so sad what happened to dad, right? And it doesn’t feel fair. We can’t control weird things that happen in the world, like what happened to your dad. But what I do know, for complete certainty, is that I love you more than anything, and I will be here for you for the rest of my life.”

  Jones gives me a little nod, his face looking a bit more calm but still not completely reassured.

  “You ready to go home and eat some candy?” I whisper.

  He gives me a little smile, even as his eyes stay a little watery, and I know we are going to be okay.

  I stand up slowly, then turn to where Cole is watching us, his concerned eyes flicking between me and Jones.

  “We’re gonna head home,” I say.

  “Will you call me if you need anything? You know, if you realize something’s wrong?”

  I give him a small smile and a nod. Then I suck up my pride and walk over to him. I wrap my hand around his wrist and look him dead in the eyes.

  “I seem to say this a lot, Cole. But thank you. Again.” Then I lean in and wrap my arms around his waist in what is probably a very awkward hug for him. “You may have possibly saved my little girl’s life.”

  When I pull back, I realize I’ve never seen an expression like the one that’s choking Cole right now. He looks like he might come apart at the seams at any second.

  But I have a kiddo to focus on. So I turn and take Jones’ hand in mine, and we walk the few feet back to our house.