Burn for Me

by Lea Coll

  “We didn’t have weekly family dinners when we lived at home.”

  “I know. I don’t know what’s gotten into her. We were thinking Thursdays at six because that’s the only day I don’t teach dance classes at the studio.”

  I sighed. “I can’t make it. I’m sorry. I don’t get out of here until seven or eight each night. If I start leaving at five-thirty, it would be noticed.” I couldn’t take the risk during my probationary period.

  “That’s what I thought. Don’t worry; I’ll tell Mom. The other reason I’m calling is that Mom said Ms. Rhulen from high school called and wants to know your details for the reunion packet. The school is doing a write-up on what each person is doing now.” She laughed. “That should be better than Facebook for stalking people. I can’t wait to read it.”

  My stomach sank. My position hadn’t been determined yet. This is what I was worried about—people bragging about their job titles and showing off fancy cars—and all eyes were on me as the most likely to succeed recipient.

  “You have nothing to worry about; you’re an attorney. You lived up to the most successful label.”

  “Did I?” I asked and there was silence on the other end of the phone. This was not Kristen and me. We didn’t discuss things and I never questioned my success—certainly not out loud. There was an unspoken agreement that she hated my academic success and I was annoyed how she wasted her time on frivolous activities, like dance.

  “Are you okay?” she finally asked.

  “Yeah, sorry. Don’t know where that came from. Thanks for the heads-up.”

  After a few seconds of silence, she said, “Would you want to get together for lunch? We never celebrated your new job.”

  We never celebrated because I never had time, and if I did, I reserved it for my friends. Kristen and I had never been that, and I was beginning to wonder whose fault that was.

  “Sure.”

  “Really?” she asked, her voice going up a pitch.

  “Yeah, text me a date and time and I’ll check my trial calendar.” Now that I’d offered I panicked a little, wondering how I’d fit it in. Whenever we left the office for lunch, I felt the disapproval from the other attorneys. It was a competitive environment where each attorney strived to work longer hours than anyone else.

  “Okay,” she sounded excited as we said goodbye.

  Had Kristen wanted to be a sister, a friend over the years and I shut her out—thinking she wasn’t worth my time? Had I missed out on her friendship, her support? Looking at the gray sky outside my window, I knew this sudden self-doubt was because Logan made me question everything, especially how I treated others. Now I wondered what and who else had I overlooked in my pursuit of success.

  “Sorry, I’m not going to be able to run tomorrow,” Logan said from the doorway.

  “What?” I asked, jarred from my thoughts to find him leaning against my door frame.

  “I can’t make it tomorrow. If you run, make sure you go with Emma. I don’t like you running by yourself when it’s dark.”

  “Where will you be at five A.M.?” As soon as the question left my mouth, I wanted to slap myself. He had a date he thought would last all night. I tried to squelch the immediate jealousy I felt at the thought of him in bed with another woman.

  His face was drawn tight. “I’m golfing at seven and it’s a bit of a drive to the course.”

  “Golfing? I didn’t think we had any vacation days while we’re on probation.”

  “Oh, it’s billable.” He shifted and looked away from me.

  “How is golfing billable? Unless—” They were going with clients.

  “It’s with a potential client, James King, the CEO of Kings Construction. He’s looking to outsource his staff counsel, so we’re schmoozing.”

  “If he’s friends with your dad, why doesn’t he go with your dad’s firm?”

  “He could. That’s why Gunner’s pulling out all of the stops.”

  “And it’s just you who gets to go?” I asked, irritation seeping into my voice.

  “Yeah, he’s a friend of my dad’s and I golf. You don’t golf, do you?”

  I didn’t, and I knew this could be an issue. Golfing was a big part of networking. He knew people through his dad and he golfed. I was at a loss—there’s no way I could compete against him. Who you knew was everything when it came to bringing in new clients—my dad was a high school teacher and my mom stayed home.

  He slapped the doorway. “I gotta go since I’ll be out of the office all day tomorrow.”

  Then he was gone before I could say anything about this morning. Did I want to? Or was it better to leave things as they were?

  Even if I golfed, I doubt I would have been included. I’d love to pretend the old boys’ club didn’t exist, but that would be stupid. More women graduated from law school than men, but we had a long way to go until women outnumbered men in high-level positions. I should become friends with Sadie. Women needed to stick together in the workplace.

  “WHY ISN’T LOGAN HERE?” EMMA asked as we went through our warm-up the next morning.

  “He’s golfing with a potential client today—a friend of his dad’s.”

  “A double whammy, huh? The good old boys’ club golf trip and a friend of his dad’s? That sucks.”

  “Tell me about it.” Relief coursed through me, talking to someone who understood what I was up against.

  “I guess it’s better that he’s not coming. Isn’t he still mad at you?”

  I didn’t like the thought of Logan avoiding me because of something I said. “I think he is, but we haven’t talked about what happened on the track the other day.”

  “Why not?”

  “I haven’t had the time between the screw-ups at work, and he’s out of the office today.” I didn’t say anything when he came to my office to talk about the golf outing. Admitting I was wrong, that I had trust issues, would make me vulnerable. I wasn’t ready to trust Logan yet. Especially when I didn’t know where he stood. We were physically attracted to each other, but what did he want? To be friends? Did he want to explore our mutual attraction? Could we, when the office policies forbade a relationship if one of us made partner?

  “You guys work with each other all day long and you workout together—there’s time. If you ever want something with him, you need to apologize and explain why you act the way you do toward him. I think he’ll understand.”

  Emma knew my history with my ex, but I had no plans to tell Logan. “I don’t think he needs my life history. I’ll just say I was wrong and that will be that.” Then I slapped her on the arm. “And who said I want something more with him?”

  “Please. Everyone can see it. I’m surprised it took you so long to realize it.”

  “Just because we have chemistry doesn’t mean we’d be good for each other.” It was too bad because I did want a relationship that led to marriage someday.

  “I don’t know. He’s helping you train despite your contentious history. Didn’t you say he didn’t want you to run alone this morning?”

  I never had anyone worry about me—make sure I was safe. I nodded.

  “So, he cares about you and he’s hurt that you wrongly accused him of sabotaging you at work. You mean something to him now.”

  “Right, he cares about me as a friend. That’s it.” I didn’t mention that the chemistry between us burned hotter on our runs. Something about the increased heart rate, sweat, and blood flow. I told myself it was purely physical.

  “Keep your eye on friendly Logan, because he’s going to turn into I want to fuck you Logan any minute.”

  My heart sped up at her comment. He’d said he wanted me. Would it be worth it for one night with him? I thought back to the day he’d commented on my ass in my leggings, how I wanted to lean back onto his chest and let his fingers roam my body.

  Nope. We worked together, had mutual friends. He wasn’t a serious kind of guy and I’d never been a hook-up kind of girl. It would never work out. And I knew
I’d want more than one night. If we crossed that line, I’d never get enough. Already, the more time I spent with him, the more I craved his attention, his touch, his smiles, his teasing. The things about him that used to annoy me drew me to him.

  “Maybe you need to give in and see where it goes.”

  I wished we could explore it. “That’s a great idea. When we implode—which we will—we still work together. That would be a disaster. Don’t forget the office doesn’t allow partners to have relationships with associates. It wouldn’t make sense to start anything.”

  “Maybe, or it could be the best risk you ever took.”

  “I don’t take risks.” I meticulously planned every aspect of my life from high school grades to trial experience.

  After Greg, any kind of distraction was not in my plan. It took me months to pick the pieces up and focus on my career again. That breakup blew my confidence and I wasn’t ready to give anyone else that kind of power over my life again. I hadn’t been able to date anyone since.

  “What you’re forgetting is Logan isn’t interested in more than a one-night stand. Or even that. He’s a good-time kind of guy.”

  She laughed. “You’re right. You’re not a good-time kind of girl. You’re all serious and hard working. I know opposites attract, but—”

  Her words, which hung in the air when she didn’t finish her sentence, stung. I’d never viewed those attributes as negative until Greg broke up with me. Was it worth all the things I’d missed out on—the carefree childhood, a life outside of work? Would I miss out on dating, marriage, and a family too? At what point would I be satisfied? And when I was finally satisfied, would I be alone?

  LOGAN AND I WERE WAITING in the hallway for the courtroom to open when Luke approached Logan and slapped him on the back. “Hey man, you get my message about expanding the junior firefighter/police officer volunteer program?”

  “I did, but I wasn’t sure how I could help,” Logan said.

  “The high school principal, Andrew Hall, said several kids asked about a program for the college-bound kids. Someone they could talk to about the application process, choosing a college, a major. Things their parents can’t help with. Things have changed since our parents were in school.”

  I thought about how my parents really couldn’t help me with choosing a law school. I had no idea how vital the choice of school was to get a job afterward, especially in the Washington D.C. area. Some jobs only hired from top-tiered schools.

  “That sounds cool. Would it be separate or part of your group?” Logan shifted closer to me to avoid a crowd of people walking by.

  I tried to breathe normally with Logan’s body touching mine, the smell of his cologne taking over my senses; it was masculine and sexy. I was tense because it was the first time I’d been this close to him since our disagreement. When Logan finally took a step back, I took in a deep breath and was able to focus on Luke again.

  “We could do some things together. We like to be involved in charity events and volunteering, so you could join in that stuff. But your meetings could be separate since we have different goals careerwise,” Luke said.

  “Sounds great. Do you need a sponsor? Maybe I could talk to my dad or Gunner would want to be involved.” Logan braced his arm on the wall behind me, stepping closer so that my shoulder was tucked under his arm.

  Was he doing this on purpose to drive me crazy? I kept my eyes on Luke, trying to ignore the warmth where Logan’s body touched mine.

  “Yeah, man. I hadn’t even thought about sponsors yet,” Luke said.

  Trying to focus on their conversation, I thought about all of the stereotypes I’d run into at work. Maybe this could be my chance to make a difference? I could be a positive force in someone’s life. When Luke shifted as if to leave, I said, “Hey, do you need more than one person? Maybe I could help? Women have different obstacles.”

  “Sure, with your schedules at work, it might be a good idea to have more than one person,” Luke said.

  “You have time?” Logan asked.

  I turned to see his brow furrowed. Did he not want me to participate after our disagreement? Did he not want to be around me anymore? I needed to clear the air with him. I didn’t like things to be awkward between us. “The same time you have and it’s for a good cause.”

  “We’ll need to check with the partners first. Usually, anything that takes away from billable time is frowned upon and I doubt they’d want two associates outside of the office.” Logan said.

  “That’s true, but they are also interested in elevating the firm’s name in the community. This would be the perfect opportunity,” I said.

  “Well, let me know. I promised Principal Hall I’d get right on it,” Luke said.

  After our disagreement, Logan didn’t want me to be involved and I couldn’t blame him. I was rude and he probably thought I was self-centered, and up until now, that was true. But I had a sudden desire to change, to be different in my relationships and work.

  WALKING THROUGH THE OFFICE AFTER court the next morning, I hesitated in Sadie’s doorway. Despite my vow to get to know her better and work with her, I hadn’t made any progress yet. I wasn’t sure how she would take my sudden friendliness now.

  She looked up at me and I had no choice. “Hey.”

  “Hey. What’s up?” she asked me warily.

  I stepped into her office, unsure if I could trust Sadie or not. But I wanted to be different and this was the first step. If I reached out to her and she didn’t want to be friends than that was on her. All I could do was try. “I wanted to talk to you about how things were going.”

  Her brow raised. “Oh?”

  I closed the door and moved files from her chair and sat down. “Yeah, I’ve had some issues with my work getting done. I place my files on Kelli’s desk but they are filed before work can be completed. Do you have issues with yours?”

  “Nope.”

  This woman gave nothing away. Was she telling the truth or did she not want to admit to mistakes that could jeopardize her job? Her eyes stayed trained on the file in front of her.

  Sighing, I tried again, deciding to tell her the truth. “I feel like we should stick together as the two new female associates.”

  “And why is that? We want the same job.”

  I didn’t blame her for being skeptical as I’d never sought her out before. “Logan was golfing as part of a client meeting on Friday. Were you asked to go?”

  She shifted in her seat, eyes finally on me. “No.”

  “Exactly. I’ve been told I should do my typing. That Logan needs more help than I do because he can’t type fast. The firm is reluctant to hire and train female attorneys because we quote always quit to have a family. Have you heard anything like that?”

  “No, I haven’t.” Her face was drawn tight and her shoulders were tense.

  Hopefully, I was getting through to her. “I know we’re competing against each other but at the same time, we need to work together.”

  “Fine,” she huffed. “I honestly haven’t had any issues with my secretary. I share her with Jillian, the partner who works nights, so it’s not an issue.”

  “Jillian works nights?” Now that she mentioned it, I hadn’t seen her much. It wasn’t unusual since our offices were on the opposite side of Jillian’s office.

  “She’s allowed to work part-time or flex hours since she has small children, but to make her billable hours she pulls all-nighters. I think she works from home too.”

  I was speechless, wondering how Jillian managed small children and working nights at the office.

  Sadie laughed. “I have no idea how she does it either. She’s superwoman.”

  “You have to be pretty dedicated to working those hours with small kids at home. She must be exhausted.”

  “When she got the partner position, they told her she could work outside of the normal office hours so she could be home during the day, but she needed to bill the same number of hours as the other partners. You know
partners are required to bill more hours than us, right?”

  “Partners bill more hours than us?” I hadn’t expected that. Our hours were already difficult to fulfill and the partners worked fewer hours than us. The only way they could bill more was if they were padding their hours. The idea made me uneasy. I didn’t want to continue working somewhere the attorneys were unethical. I didn’t want to lose my law license. No job or salary was worth that.

  “Yup.”

  “So, after all of the years and hours she put in to make partner, their one concession is you can work in the office at night.”

  She rolled her eyes and smiled. “There’s no sexism here.” She leaned in closer and lowered her voice. “Now that you mention it, Stephanie, my secretary, told me that, Josh, the associate who’s been here a few years, was hired with a newborn. The word is that the partners don’t care because it’s the wife or mom that does all of the childcare.”

  “I can’t say I’m surprised after Linda told me that the partners don’t like to hire females for that reason.”

  “Stephanie tells me everything. She’s the office gossip.”

  “Richard asked me at the interview if I was married. I think his next question was whether I had kids.”

  Sadie’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. “I can’t believe he asked that. That’s so wrong. No one asked me that. Maybe because I’m younger?”

  “They know we need this job. If we want to make more money, we have to start somewhere. I’m sure they plan to work us to death before we find a better job elsewhere.”

  “You’re probably right. There’s an all-female firm in town, Taylor, Boone & Geist? They’re opposing counsel in most of our domestic cases.”

  I did know. The attorneys were well-known at the courthouse as hardworking and ethical. “The partners like to poach female attorneys from this office.”

  “Really?” I hadn’t heard that. Working in an all-female office sounded good right now. I wouldn’t have to deal with all these stereotypes that women want to have a family and quit. I wondered if they were sympathetic to work-life balance and flexible for moms.