Burn for Me

by Lea Coll

  “You have no idea.” His dimple popped when he smiled.

  “You have two other siblings?” I tried not to think about how irresistible that dimple was.

  “Yeah, I’m the middle child.”

  “Oh, that explains a lot.”

  “Careful Cook, you just got back into my good graces and you’re pushing your luck already.”

  He was smiling like he was teasing me, so I relaxed. I could handle us goading each other. The sexy dream was a whole other matter I wasn’t sure how to process yet. “It’s what I do best.”

  The rest of the run was uneventful and I found myself looking forward to lunch with my sister. I could use a break from the four walls of my office. Even if it meant I had to stay later.

  We met at the Fish House on the outside deck overlooking the water. I smiled when I saw Kristen already seated. It had been too long since we’d gotten together. Her hair was the same dirty blond color as mine but hers fell in a straight line brushing her shoulders. She was a little taller than me and slender since she was a dancer. “Nice. This was a great idea.”

  A light breeze came off the water and I closed my eyes for a second to enjoy it.

  “It’s nice to see you, sis. Work treating you well?” she asked.

  I scrunched my face and opened my eyes. “It’s work.”

  “What? You’re usually so pumped to talk about work. What’s going on?”

  I wasn’t sure how much to tell her. “It’s a lot of hours. I knew that going in, but it’s too much. I rarely get to do anything like this. I usually eat lunch at my desk and by the time I get off of work, most people are asleep. Occasionally I meet the gang for drinks, but I’m always the last one to arrive.”

  “You told Mom and Dad you were okay with the billable hours. You’d do whatever was necessary to make partner.”

  “Yeah. I will. I’m not saying anything’s changed, just that—”

  “You’re not happy.”

  It was constant pressure, stress, and unhappiness. The waitress placed the menus in front of us and asked if we wanted drinks. Relieved with the brief reprieve, I ordered an ice tea. When she left, Kristin said, “I’ve never seen you like this.”

  “I’m wondering if I made a mistake leaving the public defender’s office. You know government jobs are secure with decent pay.” At Gunner, socializing was generally frowned upon. And it was no mistake that most people filled their guest chairs with files to give you a hint not to sit down because they didn’t have time to talk. The long hours were getting to me and my only friend at the office was Logan.

  “I know you’ve wanted to be partner forever, but if you’re not happy, maybe this isn’t for you. It’s okay to reexamine your goals from time to time and make changes. Life is too short to be unhappy.”

  I looked at my sister with new respect. When did she become so wise? “It’s only for a few months. Then I’ll either get the position or I’ll look for a new job.” But I wasn’t going to wait around for Gunner to make the decision. I checked the Daily Record classifieds for open attorney positions and my resume was updated and ready to go.

  “But won’t you still have the same amount of billable hours? And if you’re picked, your workload could pick up?”

  “Billable hours don’t increase until you make partner.” I thought about Jillian who worked all-nighters so she could take care of her kids during the day. “At the first conference meeting, the managing partner said only one of us would get the partner-track position and one would be let go.” I wondered what would happen to the other one? Would one of us be left in this weird limbo where we could get experience but never make partner?

  “That sucks. So you’re making yourself miserable and you could be fired at the end of this?”

  “Yup.” I smiled sadly.

  “I hate to break it to you, but your job sucks.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I kinda figured that out already.”

  “Think about it. Is this really what you want to do? You were happy with your old job. I know it was less money, but do you need to make more money?”

  “I want to pay back my student loans before I’m sixty. Remember how Dad had to pay for Mom’s and they argued about it all the time? I don’t want student loans hanging over me. I’d like to buy a house one day. Plus, the reunion coming up.”

  “What’s your obsession with that? Is it because Ms. Rhulen said you’d never make it as a trial attorney?” When I nodded, she continued, “Why do you care what she says? She was a witch.”

  I cringed, remembering how I’d been so anxious during the mock trial competition senior year, I couldn’t speak, losing the competition. “I used her words to motivate me over the years. So, it was good in a way.”

  “How come we’ve never talked like this before?”

  “We have, haven’t we?” I knew we hadn’t. I never let Kristen hang out with me when we were younger and I suspected she didn’t like how my mom had bragged about my grades: Ashley’s the one who’s going places. You just watch. She’s so smart and driven. Every time she said that I filled with pride. It felt great when your parents bragged about you—believed in you.

  But for the first time, I thought about how that must have made Kristen feel and I felt guilty. “I’m sorry I was a brat when we were kids.”

  “You were.” She laughed. “But don’t worry. I’m over it. I’ve been hoping you’d be over it for a while now. I’d like us to talk like this more. Be friends. I could use a friend too.”

  Kristen’s honesty struck me. We’d never admitted to needing each other for anything. Our relationship was based on jealousy and competition. “Really?”

  “I’ve always wanted a relationship with you, but you shut me out. Sisters should be there for each other. It would have been nice if we were closer when we were kids.”

  I didn’t disagree because she was right. For the first time, I felt bad about how I’d behaved as a child. It wasn’t like my parents did anything to encourage us to be closer, but we were adults now. “I’m sorry. I was so focused on school, and then work.”

  “I get it.”

  “I’ll do better, I promise. I want to be friends too.” As great as it was hanging out with Stella, Emma, and Samantha, a sister was different. We shared the same experiences—no one else had our perspective.

  “Good.” Kristen smiled and I felt content. I’d fixed something in my life that was broken. I wanted this feeling more often. Then she pulled paperwork out of her purse and slid it across the table. The top read Chestertown High School Class Reunion of 2009. Immediately, I felt the pressure in my chest build again.

  I quickly scanned the pages, Ms. Rhulen, our class teacher wanted us to fill in where we’d gone to college, grad school, our current employment, and where we lived, whether we were married and had kids. I wasn’t even dating anyone much less married.

  “Are you going to fill that out?”

  “Yeah.” I chewed my lower lip. The question was, what would I write? Was attorney enough for the person who’d received the most likely to succeed title? Beyond education and work, my form would be blank. What would everyone else’s include? I was pretty sure a lot of classmates were married with children. Kristen was younger than me but she had a serious boyfriend.

  “You know you’re not defined by your job title and salary, right?” Kristen said gently.

  I glanced up at her. “You kind of are.” We were both pressured as kids, just in different things, me in academics, her in dance. It was almost like we had a role we were expected to fill. Whenever I wanted to try something new like sports or music, my parents discouraged me, thinking it would detract from time spent on school. I didn’t know how to define success in any other way.

  “There’s so much more to you than what you do at your job.”

  If that were true then what mattered the most in life was blank lines on my form because I didn’t do anything outside of work. The sense of not being enough was overwhelming. All eyes would be on me
at the reunion whether I wanted them to be or not. It was clearer to me now than ever: if I lost this job, I was nothing. The rest of my life was literally blank. I had a few good friends I neglected so I could work more. That was it.

  The waitress came by then and got our order.

  “Hey, I wanted to ask you about one of the other attorneys hired with Logan and me. Do you know Sadie Cole? She was two years behind me.”

  “Yeah, I know Sadie. I wasn’t friends with her but she was in my dance classes.” Kristen took a sip of water. “She just applied to teach at my dance studio. I don’t really have the money for it now, but it would be nice to have help.”

  “Wow. I had no idea she danced.” I didn’t go to all of Kristen’s recitals either. A lot required travel and I was too busy with school work. “How will she have time to dance and work?”

  “She said she needed the extra money. Maybe she’s trying to pay off her student loans like you.”

  I nodded. “Are you going to hire her?”

  “I’m not sure yet. I told her I’d think about it. If not now, I could if the business takes off in a few months.”

  “You can’t be the sole teacher. You need to manage, maintain the facility, books, and have a life.”

  “We’ll have a life when our careers take off,” she said.

  Right now, partner seemed so far out of reach. I didn’t know if I wanted to wait ten to fifteen years like Jillian to make partner. Maybe I wanted a balanced life now.

  AS SOON AS I GOT back to the office, there was a note on my computer to see Richard. Great. This was just what I needed. I hoped I wouldn’t get in trouble for going to lunch. I’d gotten looks from partners whenever I’d left the office during the day, so I usually didn’t. I made my way over to his office. He was on the phone but motioned for me to wait.

  He hung up. “Sit down.”

  I moved his files onto the floor and sat. “You’re not meeting your billable hour requirement.” He handed me my timesheet where hours were crossed out and reduced.

  “Why were my hours altered?”

  “You’re billing too much time for certain tasks. It shouldn’t take you three hours to write and research a motion. Take a look at my notes. I know you’re working long hours, but if you can’t work efficiently, you may not be a good fit for this firm.”

  My eyes widened.

  “I don’t know what you have going on at home, but whatever it is get rid of it. I have a stay-at-home wife, a house cleaner, a nanny, a lawn guy. I don’t do anything at home so I can devote all of my time and attention here. You need to do the same. So do what you have to do to eliminate any distractions.”

  I gripped the timesheet in my hand and walked back to my office in a daze. If a motion takes me three hours and I can only bill two hours, what was I going to do to make up those hours? Work longer? I don’t think there were any more hours in the day. I usually took a break on Saturday night and Sunday mornings. I guessed that would have to stop—frustration built inside me until I felt like I could explode. And what the hell was the comment about having a stay-at-home wife and all of this hired help? Was this a taste of what my life would be like in the future? I could have children but never see them?

  I sat down in my chair, unable to focus on work. I had been so content and happy at lunch. It was hard to believe everything had changed so quickly.

  “Hey, you okay?”

  I closed my eyes when I heard Logan’s voice so he wouldn’t see the tears welling in my eyes. I didn’t open them until I was sure the tears were gone.

  “I walked by and you looked upset.”

  I would normally lash out so he’d leave me alone, but I didn’t want to do that anymore. Thinking about lunch with Kristen, I wanted the comfort I felt when I talked to someone about my problems.

  “I overheard the partners talking about associates making the billable hour requirement.” He walked into my office and closed the door. “Is that why Richard talked to you?”

  I took a deep breath and handed him my timesheet where time spent on preparing motions was crossed out and the hours reduced.

  “Clients don’t want to pay for time spent on motions. They don’t understand it. They understand hearings and trials, but not everything else that goes into preparing a case. The partners draft very basic motions and save their legal argument for court. If you do that, you won’t need to spend as much time on them.”

  “It’s still my reputation on the line. My name goes on the signature line. I want to file a well-researched motion for the judge.”

  “I get it. I’m not saying it’s good legal practice, but I get the impression they aren’t big on writing. Most of the partners are purely trial attorneys and they’re too cheap to hire paralegals to help out with the writing and research aspect.”

  I’d always thought Logan would be the first one to capitalize on my mistakes, especially when he stood to benefit if I failed. But he didn’t. He was the first person to step in and try to help.

  “I know you. You’re going to work the same as you always do, but work longer hours. Then you’re going to have a mental breakdown. You won’t be able to run at the firm charity race. I’m doing everyone a favor by stepping in.”

  “Uh huh.” I smiled, not believing the charity race excuse. He cared for me. Maybe this thing between us was more than lust, more than physical attraction. And if it was, what did that mean?

  “You okay, Cook? You back in the game?” he asked, handing me my timesheet.

  His words shook me out of my thoughts and back into my office as I took the timesheet from him. “I’m back.” Thanks to him. He could pull me out of the stress and anxiety I was feeling. No one had ever been able to do that. Very few even tried. Most people assumed I was strong and nothing got to me, but I was no different than anyone else. I just handled it differently. Instead of giving up, I usually worked harder. And Logan was right. If I worked any harder, it would not be good for my health and I was sure my work would start to suffer.

  “I HOPE EVERYONE IS GETTING in shape for the town charity run. We need more visibility in the community to bring in more clients. In that vein, we have a fundraising dinner for the Chesapeake Bay Foundation coming up in two weeks. Our firm purchased several tables and you’re all expected to attend,” Richard said during the firm meeting later that afternoon, giving the new attorneys a pointed look. “Only partners get a plus one. Other law firms will be there, along with local businesses. It’s black tie, so dress accordingly.”

  Logan shot me a heated look across the table and a vision of him in a tux came to mind. He’d be devastating in one.

  “Linda, you had an issue you wanted to bring up?” Richard asked, sitting down.

  She rose, a file on the table in front of her. “Right. I’ve had a couple of associates blaming their secretaries for incomplete work.”

  My face got hot and I opened my mouth to speak, but Logan spoke first, “If I place work in Kelli’s inbox with a work order, I expect the work to be done by that date. What I don’t expect is the file to be placed in the filing cabinet without anyone discussing it with me. Not only does it put me in a bad position, but the whole firm too.”

  “Work for partners comes first,” Richard said.

  “That’s not what I’m talking about. Kelli isn’t coming to me and saying she didn’t do the work; she’s saying she never even saw the file. Somehow it ends up in the filing cabinet.”

  I was relieved I wasn’t the only one experiencing this issue. “The same thing happened to me,” I said.

  “We need to sit down with Kelli.” Charles shot Linda a disgusted look.

  “Anyone else having this problem?” Charles asked.

  Sadie didn’t say anything but she had a different secretary. So I figured Kelli must be the problem.

  When the meeting was over, I walked out of the conference room with Logan. “I didn’t know you had the same issue.”

  “It happened a few times last week. I was coming to talk
to you about it earlier but you were upset about the billable hours.” He paused for a second and then said quietly, “I didn’t want to add to your stress.”

  I cleared my throat. “Thanks for saying something.”

  He smiled. “No problem.”

  I left Logan in his office and I hurried to catch up with Sadie just as she entered hers. “I wanted to make sure you weren’t having any issues with your files.”

  She shrugged. “I’m not having issues with my secretary.”

  I wasn’t sure she’d tell me if she was.

  “I need this job. I need the money.” Her eyes shifted like she’d revealed too much. “This job is really important to me. I’m not going to complain about my secretary at a firm meeting.”

  “Okay. I’m here if you want to talk.” She nodded, but I didn’t think she would talk to me about personal things.

  When I turned to leave, I heard her sigh, then she said, “I do need help finding a dress for the fundraiser.”

  Smiling, I said over my shoulder. “That, I can help with. My friends are going to the outlets this weekend to shop. Want to come?”

  A smile slowly took over Sadie’s face when she said, “Sure, I’d like that.”

  I realized I’d never seen her smile before. I assumed she was stressed like we were, but her demeanor was different. It was like she was weighed down by something, but I had no idea what.

  EMMA INVITED ME OVER TO Luke’s farm to see Bailey later that night. I’d always wanted a dog and the temptation to do something for myself after seeing the reunion paperwork was strong. It was more clear than ever; I had nothing outside of work.

  I pulled up the long drive, admiring their farmhouse with its wraparound porch and swing. It would be nice to have more space than my two-bedroom apartment downtown. When I got out of my car, Hunter came bounding around the side of the house with Bailey following him.

  “Hey, guys!” I tried petting them but they were too excited, jumping up and down.

  “Down, boys,” Luke said, following them.