Burn for Me

by Lea Coll

  I envisioned him running around a yard while Logan threw a ball for him to chase. I tilted my head up the sky. Why was Logan in my vision for the future? I needed to move regardless if I was with Logan. It was time. The apartment was a place to sleep and that was it. Bailey finished marking the grass and pulled me toward the waterfront.

  When we got to Watkins Park, the grassy area next to the marina, I saw Logan’s niece, Maddie, playing with a woman, her mom? They tossed a large pink ball back and forth.

  When the ball flew over her head, she chased it seeing me. “Logan’s friend!” She ran, stopping in front of me, as I caught the rolling ball.

  “It’s Ashley.” I wasn’t sure I was Logan’s friend at this point, which hurt. The day I met Maddie was the day Logan said he was pursuing me. When everything had changed. I handed Maddie the ball.

  “Hello,” her mother said, coming over to greet us. “Always ask the owner to pet the dog first, remember?”

  “I’ve met them before, Mommy.” Then she directed her baby blues at me, “May I please pet Bailey?”

  “Sure. You remembered his name?” At her nod, I said, “I’m impressed.” Her twinkling blue eyes reminded me of Logan’s.

  “Of course I did.” She was going to be a charmer too.

  She dropped to her knees on the ground, rubbing his ears and laughing when he licked her face.

  “Maddie, don’t get in his face,” her mom said.

  “It’s okay, they’ve met before and he loves kids,” I said.

  “Mommy, can we get a dog?” she asked.

  She snorted. “No, one child is enough for me.”

  “Uncle Logan loves dogs. He would help us. Isn’t he helping you with Bailey?” Maddie asked me.

  “Is that right?” her mom asked me.

  I shrugged like it was no big deal. “Kind of. He encouraged me to adopt and said he’d help me take him out during the day. You know, because our hours are so crazy.”

  Then recognition shown in her eyes. “Oh, you work at the same firm.” Then she snapped her fingers, “and you’re competing against each other for the same job.”

  “That’s right.”

  She smiled triumphantly like she figured out something important. “You’re the one he’s always talking about!”

  “He talked about me?” The fact that he’d talked about me to his sister before we were dating was telling.

  “You run with him and you used to work at the public defender’s office?”

  “Ashley. That’s me.” I held out my hand to shake, but she was laughing so hard she could barely grip it.

  When she recovered, she said, “Sorry, I’m Riley, his big sister. I’m sorry. He’s been complaining about you for years. I expected this shrew of a woman. But you—” she gestured at me, “you’re gorgeous. I get it now.”

  “Get what?” I asked.

  “Logan’s never met any woman he didn’t have wrapped around his finger within minutes of meeting.” She shook her head. “I should be thanking you. You’ve provided me with so much entertainment over the years. And now that I’ve met you, everything makes sense. He doesn’t hate you—”

  “Oh yeah, we are, I mean we were dating for a little—probably not anymore though. I screwed up.” I knew I was rambling and sounded like an idiot. But the more I talked, the wider her smile got.

  “You know, he used to complain about you, but he’s been different the last few months. He defends you when we ask about you. He said you were great with his mentoring program. But I had no idea you were dating. He never said anything.” Then softer so Maddie wouldn’t hear, “That little shit. Just wait until I see him.”

  “Like I said, we’re probably not anymore.” I sighed. “I did an unforgivable thing.” I sat down on the nearest bench while Maddie tried to get Bailey to play ball with her.

  “It can’t be that bad.”

  I wondered if I could trust her, but she was so open and friendly. It was possible she could have some insight. “Your dad offered me a job.”

  Her mouth dropped open. “Oh. Logan and our dad had a falling out before he graduated from law school. He wouldn’t tell us why.”

  “Cal said there’d always be a position for Logan and your older brother—”

  “Dominic?”

  I nodded. I didn’t know how much to tell her. I knew two big secrets about her family. It wasn’t my place to tell her. “It’s a great offer, but I wanted to talk to Logan about it first. I knew how he felt about his dad.”

  “And he found out before you had a chance to talk to him.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I was going to tell him and we were interrupted. Then something big happened at work and it consumed everything for the last few days. I thought I was going to be fired.” When she didn’t respond, I continued, “It’s still my fault. I should have told him sooner.”

  “He told you why he doesn’t speak to Dad?” Her head tilted to the side.

  “Yeah.” I knew this admission was big for Riley. Logan trusted me with that information. Trusted me not to tell anyone.

  “Wow. I don’t even know what happened between them. I’m sure he was trying to process everything. Give it some time.” She patted my leg. “You seem like a nice girl. I’ll give you some advice. If what you have with Logan is worth fighting for, I’d lay it all out on the table so you don’t have any regrets.” She gestured at Maddie. “Trust me; I know a thing or two about regrets. Don’t be stubborn.”

  I was curious, but didn’t know her well enough to ask what she was referring to.

  Riley was quiet for a few minutes while we watched Maddie play with Bailey. “I got pregnant early in the relationship with Maddie’s father. I wanted to move back here to be closer to family. He had a great job in the city and wanted to stay there so he could support us. He wanted to make a go of us—be a real family.”

  “You didn’t?” I couldn’t imagine having to make that decision.

  “And I regret it every day. Don’t get me wrong, it was great to have my mother helping out when Maddie was a baby, but it’s not the same as having Maddie’s father involved. She needs a father.” I could tell by her pained expression that she missed him too. It wasn’t all about Maddie.

  “That’s a hard decision.”

  She took a deep breath. “Don’t make the same mistake I did.” She stood up as if to go. “Come on, Maddie, we need to head home for dinner.”

  It took a promise of dessert before Maddie finally said goodbye to Bailey.

  Before she left, Riley said, “It was nice to meet you. I hope I see you again.”

  I smiled. “Me too.” I felt like I’d made a new friend even if Logan and I never worked out.

  I DIDN’T HEAR FROM LOGAN for the next few days. Kelli said he had a few days of all-day depositions, so he was out of the office. The fact that Sadie tried to sabotage our case and job was circulating around the office. There was speculation as to why, but none of the rumors came close to the truth. I kept seeing her eyes fill with pain when she told me she needed the money. Keeping it a secret made her look more like the villain, but I wouldn’t say anything.

  I’d been watching the clock, trying to figure out how early I could leave on a Friday without someone saying something, when my phone buzzed.

  Emma: Girls’ night. No armor

  A few seconds later:

  Emma: No, suit!

  Looking down at my outfit, I figured I could remove my suit jacket.

  Ashley: K

  Emma: No suit pants, either

  I groaned. I’d planned on wearing my blouse and suit pants. I needed to go home to take Bailey out anyway, so might as well change.

  Cocky AF: Dropped by and took Bailey. I’m keeping him for the weekend bc watching Maddie

  He’d finally responded, but it was bittersweet because it had nothing to do with us. He didn’t want to talk to me. I wanted to—no, I needed to talk to him about what happened. He didn’t have all of the facts and it was killing me. I hoped his dad
would talk to him about his health concerns and why he offered me the job.

  Not why didn’t you ask me first or why won’t you talk to me? Not any of the five hundred thoughts that had run through my mind since we had lunch and his dad interrupted us. This was all my fault. It was not how I imagined Logan would find out about the job offer, but I had no time to explain anything and he wouldn’t allow me to do so.

  I kept telling myself he couldn’t stay mad forever.

  Ashley: K

  I ran home and changed into an acceptable outfit: ripped skinny jeans and a T-shirt with dangly necklaces. It was the best I could manage. I threw on black high-heeled booties and a jacket, and walked to The Pub where we were meeting tonight.

  I walked in and saw the girls at the table by the window. “Hey,” I said, coming to a stop in front of their table. Thankfully, I’d filled Emma in on what transpired between Logan, his dad, and me. She’d passed the information along. I couldn’t deal with their questions now. I needed a distraction.

  “Hey! How are you holding up?” Emma asked, getting up to hug me.

  “Fine,” I said stiffly.

  “Love that outfit, by the way,” Stella said. “It says buy me a drink, you know, more than a business suit. Because a business suit doesn’t say anything to a potential boyfriend except run the other way—I’m too busy to hang—I work tons of hours and you’ll never see me.”

  “Stella, you’re rambling and not making any sense,” Samantha said gently.

  Except everything she said was true.

  “Right, I’ll shut up now,” she said. “I’m going to grab another pitcher of beer from the bar.”

  I knew our girls’ nights were numbered. Everyone would eventually get engaged, married, have kids, and then what? I’d be the lone one without a significant other because I needed to wait to have a relationship until I was partner—until I’d reached some acceptable pinnacle of success at my job. That’s why Cal’s offer had been so appealing. I could have work-life balance now, a relationship. Logan had to understand why I had to explore any potential job offers.

  “Have you tried to talk to Logan?” Emma asked.

  “He won’t respond to my texts,” I said.

  “Why don’t you go to his house?” Stella placed the pitcher in the middle of the table.

  “He’s supposed to be watching Maddie tonight. That wouldn’t be right,” I said.

  “Yeah, but I’m sure she’s asleep by eight. Go over after,” Stella said.

  “I don’t know. He’s been clear in not wanting to talk to me.” Not that I blamed him. My betrayal could have brought up his memories of his dad with the secretary.

  “What happened to the Ashley who doesn’t give up? I’m surprised you’re not fighting for him.” Emma raised her brows. “And why didn’t you tell Logan right away?”

  “Because there are things his dad told me that I couldn’t tell Logan. It’s complicated.” Between Cal’s health issues and his affair, I was privy to too many secrets.

  “It might not be a good idea to leave Gunner only to find yourself in the middle of family issues at Cal’s firm,” Emma said.

  “True,” I said. I didn’t want to feel like this, so I knew I couldn’t work at Cal’s firm until things with Logan were resolved.

  “I interned in a place during law school that was a family firm. They accused the cousin of stealing files, so the rest of the firm moved in the middle of the night to a different location. It was crazy. I hated the drama.” Emma shook her head. “I should have known at my interview when I walked in and heard them yelling.”

  She made a good point, but that wasn’t how the Gray family operated. They kept secrets, not communicating. At least the men did. “I know I screwed up. But there were reasons why I couldn’t tell him right away.” Reasons I couldn’t even tell him now unless I wanted to betray his dad’s trust. If I wanted a future with Logan, I couldn’t reveal his dad’s health concerns to him.

  “Go to him. Try to get him to listen to you. Texts are too easy to ignore,” Emma said.

  Emma’s words reminded me of what Riley had said: put everything on the table so I had no regrets. Should I talk to him now? Or wait for him to be ready? I had a sudden urge to see him, talk to him, and make him understand. If he still hated me after that, I’d have to deal with it, but at least I’d know. I stood up to go. My friends were right; it was not like me to sit around for someone else to decide my fate.

  “Are you going to his house?” Stella asked.

  I nodded, getting up. “Yeah, I have to know. I can’t go through this anymore.” I hesitated, standing by the table. “He could tell me to leave.”

  “True. But you never know if you don’t talk to him,” Emma reminded me.

  “Good luck,” the girls all chimed, and I left before I changed my mind.

  My nerves increased as I drove the short distance to his house. What was I thinking? He didn’t want to see me. I parked at the curb, I drew in a shaky breath, wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans, and walked slowly to his porch. It was nine, so Maddie should be asleep. I knocked softly on the door and sent Logan a quick text saying I was standing outside.

  After a minute, the door slowly opened. Logan stood, looking relaxed in work-out pants and a T-shirt, and he’d never looked so good to me. “What are you doing here?” he asked, blocking the doorway so I couldn’t come in.

  I scratched Bailey’s ears when he slipped between Logan and the door frame, greeting me.

  “You came to get Bailey?”

  “No, I came to talk to you. Is Maddie asleep?”

  “She is, but I don’t think we have anything to talk about.” He held his body rigid with his hand still on the door. He’d made no move to invite me in.

  I pointed to the swing on the porch. “Can we talk outside?”

  Logan slowly nodded as he closed the door behind him and sat next to me on the swing. How could I get him to see things differently? To take me back? He was the master persuader, not me.

  He crossed one leg over the other as he stretched them out in front of us and crossed his arms on his chest as the swing shifted with his weight. “Well?” His voice was resigned. Like me being absent from his life hadn’t affected him at all.

  I might only have one chance to tell him my side. “Have you talked to your dad?”

  He stiffened. “You know I don’t talk to my dad.”

  “It’s just that when Cal offered me the job, I asked him why he wasn’t offering it to you. I didn’t want to take the position from you.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew I’d started with the wrong thing.

  “That’s not what this was about. You know I don’t want to work there.”

  “You’re right. I should have told you as soon as he called me. He said he had a job offer and would explain everything to me in person. I knew you’d be angry.”

  “So why did you meet with him?”

  “The job at Gunner wasn’t a sure thing. We’d talked about keeping our options open. The state hadn’t approved replacing anyone at my old job, so that wasn’t an option. Sadie was in talks with Taylor, Boone, & Geist’s firm. I checked the classifieds daily, but this was the only opportunity that came up.”

  “That doesn’t explain why you’d meet with him without telling me.”

  “I knew you’d be angry and I wasn’t seriously considering his offer. I didn’t even look at the salary and benefits package until we ran into your dad the other day. I was happy with you. I wanted to see where we’d go as a couple.”

  “You could have told me that at any time.”

  “You’re right. I could have.” I studied him for a minute, but his facial expression didn’t change. Only a muscle ticked in his jaw. “But I think we’d be in the same position. You would have refused to talk to me then. It wouldn’t have changed anything.” If we couldn’t communicate or trust each other, how could we have a relationship? “I was unhappy with everything going on at Gunner and your dad called me.” />
  “It doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t tell me.”

  “I feel like I’ve gotten to know you better over the last few months. I see that you’re a good man. How you’d do anything for anyone. I thought you saw something in me too.” Someone worthy of love—worthy of something more than getting the best grades, working the most hours, and coming out on top at work.

  “Were you ever going to tell me?” he asked, his voice was soft and measured.

  “I was going to tell you the other day at the office. Right before the King’s meeting.” I sighed. “And at the café when your dad showed up.”

  “I don’t know, Ashley.” He was quiet for a minute. “All you care about is getting ahead. You’re cold.”

  Tears sprang to my eyes. I thought we’d had this amazing connection. That he got me like no one else. His words stung because that’s what Greg had called me—cold. Riley’s words and the look on her face when she talked about her regrets, stopped me from getting up and leaving, which was my first instinct.

  It was time to tell him everything “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about right now, but I know I got to you. I know what we had was special and one of a kind. I’m never going to find something similar in this lifetime. You told me you saw the real me and I know I saw the real you. So where is that guy now, Logan? Are you hiding behind fear—fear of getting hurt? Fear of what your dad will say when you ask him about the affair? You tell me.”

  I knew exactly when I’d gone too far.

  He stood up abruptly, causing the swing to creak. “You need to leave.”

  Suddenly, I saw everything clearly. This had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his dad. More confident now, I stood up and faced him. “You need to talk to your dad. You have so many secrets and unresolved issues, which have nothing to do with me. Right now, you’re blaming me for what’s going on with your dad and that’s not right. You need to deal with him before anything can happen between us.”