Burn for Me

by Lea Coll

  His reaction confirmed it. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away about the job offer, but there were reasons why I couldn’t. He asked me not to tell you.”

  Logan’s eyes moved from the porch to mine.

  “I never intended to take your dad’s offer without talking to you first. And it’s a good offer, Logan. It’s a great salary, room for advancement, fewer hours, more work-life balance. He’s holding a place for you and your brother if you want to come back. I wouldn’t be pushing you out.” I wanted to reach out to him. To soothe the crease I saw on his forehead, to wrap my arms around him. But I knew he wouldn’t accept my comfort. Not now.

  “You know,” he said his voice deadly calm. “You know why I can’t work for my dad.”

  “Talk to him. Man up and talk to him.” His eyes flared at that. “Enough of the secrets. Enough of the lies. You owe it to him, your family.” To me. To our future. If we still had one.

  “What do you know about my family?” His eyes were filled with pain, no longer indifferent.

  “I know Maddie and Riley, and your mom sounds amazing. I know you have issues with your dad, but you can’t go on like this, angry every time you see him. He doesn’t even know why. Talk to him, get everything out.” I knew I was taking a gamble. I assumed he’d want to make it right with his dad after all these years for a chance with me.

  But we couldn’t move forward until he dealt with his family’s unresolved issues. If not, it would be an issue for him and for us. I felt eerily calm and sure of my decision. I could walk away from the man I loved because I did everything I could to save us.

  “So that’s it. You blame this whole thing on my dad and you’re what, mad at me?”

  “Talk to your dad.” Then I walked away—away from the man I just realized I was one-hundred percent irreversibly in love with. I almost stumbled down the steps; my eyes blurry with tears. But I had to get away from him.

  Had I made a mistake? Should I have groveled more? Taken more responsibility?

  My stomach dropped with each step I took away from him—his porch. He didn’t stop me. I closed the door of my car and resisted checking to see if he still stood there watching me. I wanted to think he did. That what I’d said got through to him. Even if we didn’t get back together, maybe he’d fix things with his dad.

  LATER THAT NIGHT, I WORRIED I’d made a huge mistake issuing the ultimatum about his dad. The worst part was I didn’t even have Bailey to comfort me. He had my dog. I couldn’t believe how much I loved that damn dog and Logan. They had both burrowed their way into my life, so deeply, I didn’t realize it until they were gone.

  When the phone buzzed again, a message from Stella popped up: High school Reunion is next weekend!

  Ashley: How is that great news?

  Stella: I’m so excited to see everyone☺

  Of course she was. Stella knew everyone in high school, in college, and in the town. She was the life of any gathering, event, and party. In kindergarten, she showed up at my house with her mom one Saturday, telling me she wanted to play and that I was her new friend. She didn’t say, “will you be my friend,” she just said, “you’re my friend.” And we have been ever since. I don’t know why she chose me, but I needed her lightness, her laughter, when I was so focused on school. And I needed her now when I was at my lowest. I didn’t know what I’d do without her in my life.

  I realized I hadn’t thought about proving myself to the partners, my parents, or anyone else in weeks. Instead, my focus had been on improving my quality of life: getting more time to myself, with my friends, Logan, a nicer home to care for Bailey, a job with work-life balance. So many things had changed for me the past few months. The old Ashley wouldn’t have cared how people perceived her or if she was a good mentor to kids in high school.

  I had changed. Even if Logan didn’t come around, I’d be okay. I had to be.

  The rest of the weekend passed with no correspondence from Logan. He dropped off Bailey on Monday after I’d already left for work and I was sure that was on purpose. He was still avoiding me and I had no way of knowing if he’d talked to his dad. I wanted to run into Cal or Riley and ask what happened. But I didn’t. I saw Logan at work, but we were never alone and I didn’t want to bring it up. If I did, I knew I’d start crying. I never cried at work, school, or in front of anyone. I was the strong one. I never let anyone see weakness, except for Logan.

  The girls sent a flurry of messages talking about the next weekend’s reunion and getting dresses. I was sure they did this to keep my mind off of Logan and it worked somewhat. But when I was alone in my apartment, I couldn’t avoid the feeling that I’d gone too far asking him to talk to his dad. We hadn’t dated long enough for ultimatums. I’d screwed up again. I had opened my heart to someone and not been good enough for them. Both of my exes had said I was cold and maybe they were right. But I refused to give up.

  The only good thing was that I wouldn’t need to see Logan at the reunion. He graduated with Luke and Jack, two years ahead of Stella, Samantha, and me. Samantha invited Jack as her date and Stella said she’d go with me.

  I wore the emerald green dress I’d worn to the fundraiser. I looked hot in it and I didn’t feel up to shopping for a different dress. The girls came over before to do hair and make-up, but when I saw myself in the mirror, I remembered the last time I’d worn this dress and the effect it had on Logan. That was the night he’d opened up about his father. The beginning of everything.

  Stella finished my make-up. “Now no crying and messing it up.”

  “I don’t plan to cry.” Not until I was alone in my bed. That’s all I seemed capable of doing when I was by myself.

  “That’s right—be strong,” Stella said.

  Greg broke up with me because I was too focused on work and now Logan had done the same because I pursued a job opportunity. Maybe work would always be more important to me. At least that’s what I told myself. “Always am. What about you? Don’t you want a date for the reunion? You could have asked someone.”

  “Please, girl. There is no guy out there for me.”

  “What are you talking about? Just because one guy cheated—”

  “One guy? Try three. Try every single serious boyfriend I’ve ever had. My college boyfriend cheated with my roommate. I got to walk in on them, screwing each other on my bed. That was nice.”

  I felt awful for Stella. She put up a brave front but she’d been through a lot.

  “Then I dated the TA in college, remember?”

  I did. She was obsessed with him. She dropped me as a friend while they dated, which was a bad sign. Then he thanked her by screwing his student.

  “And last but not least, there was the guy I dated through grad school. He proposed to me and then slept with one of his trainees at work. I still think that they’d been going at it for a while. I have no idea why he proposed.”

  He was a physical trainer and routinely had interns work under him. “Your exes seem to have a thing for the student-teacher relationship.”

  “The last two did, for sure.”

  She acted flippant about it, but I knew she suspected something was wrong with her. I was beginning to think the same about myself. I could see why she didn’t date—didn’t even try.

  “Well, when Logan never talks to me again, we can be the lone single gals of the group.”

  “These two chicks,” she said, pointing at Emma and Samantha, “will marry their hunky guys and have beautiful children and we’ll be roomies with our fifty cats.”

  “Yes! Now you’re talking. But with dogs instead of cats.” Stella managed to cheer me up. I’d be okay. I had to be. I’d pick myself back up and focus on work. I was good at that.

  “You ready?” Samantha asked. “Jack is picking us up any minute.”

  “Yes, let me put on my shoes and I’m good to go.” I sat down on the couch, remembering the last time I was here in my emerald dress with Logan helping me put my shoes on. I closed my eyes at the memories. I
remembered the feel of his palm on my calf and the heat as his hand had traveled up my leg. I shook my head. It hurt too much to think of that night when everything had started for us. I’d give anything for him to be here tonight. Not only because I loved him, but because the petty part of me wanted the popular upperclassman on my arm at the reunion.

  I strapped my shoes on, grabbed a black clutch, and followed the girls down to Jack’s extended cab truck. I climbed into the back as I watched Jack help Samantha into the truck, their sweet kiss, and heard his whispered words that she was beautiful. Would I ever stop feeling like this? Missing Logan? Wishing he were here—jealous of other people’s happy relationships.

  When we parked outside the doors to the gym it was a blast from the past: our class colors of blue and purple balloons had been tied together to form an archway for the couples to enter the dance. As we crossed the archway, a photographer took pictures of Jack and Samantha as they entered ahead of us. When the doors to the gym opened, I could see the lights of the twirling disco ball and the sound of 90s music. “It’s a reenactment of our high school prom,” I said.

  Jack and Samantha went in ahead of us, laughing about who they went to prom with when they were in high school. This was sweet for them. They could relive the night they went to prom but with each other instead of their original dates.

  “This is exactly like high school,” Stella said. “We even went together then.”

  “We did. I’m glad we’re going together,” I said, linking my arm with hers.

  “Aww! I agree!” She squeezed me tight. “This is so much better than bringing dates.”

  As we waited for the line checking in at a table just inside the door, Stella pointed to the refreshment table, and asked, “Will the popular crowd only hang with each other?”

  I laughed. “Wouldn’t expect to see anything else.”

  Samantha had been picked on in high school, but Jack always stood up for her. Thankfully, I had escaped much of the drama in high school since I was a nerd. I wasn’t stealing anyone’s boyfriends and I kept to my small group of friends.

  As the line moved forward, I noticed Ms. Rhulen seated at a table lined with name tags by the front door. “Ashley Cook, is that you?”

  “It sure is,” I smiled, avoiding her eyes by looking for my name tag. I wanted to sign in and get away from her.

  “Don’t forget to take a reunion packet with you.” She gestured at the stack at the corner of the table. “It contains updates on everyone’s lives.”

  I waved her off. “No, thanks.” I kept in touch with the people from high school I wanted to and I didn’t need to see what everyone else was doing. It was too much like Facebook—people only highlighted the positives.

  “Speak for yourself. I’m dying to look at this,” Stella said, grabbing one and flipping through it.

  “What are you doing with yourself these days?” Ms. Rhulen asked.

  I had to take a deep, steadying breath because she had a snarky look on her face.

  “I’m an attorney at Gunner, Thompson, & Anderson.” This was not how I imagined this conversation going over the years, because I didn’t care what she thought anymore. “I mentor kids here at the high school too.”

  She raised her eyebrows at that.

  “Yeah, it’s amazing. One of the girls wants to go to law school but doesn’t have the first clue what to do. We help with college applications, interviews, and answering questions. I love it.” When her eyes narrowed on me, I added, “I like encouraging them to do whatever they want to do. I would never tell them not to pursue their dreams.”

  I hadn’t intended to tell her about the mentor program, but I defined success differently now—and it wasn’t with my job title or salary.

  “Well, good for you,” she said before she turned her attention to the couple who’d arrived after us.

  I smiled as we grabbed our name tags and took a few steps away from the table.

  “Good for you? That was smarmy,” Stella said.

  “Tell me about it,” I said.

  “What a bitch,” Samantha said and we all laughed. I don’t think I’d ever heard Samantha swear or say a bad thing about anyone. “What? It’s true. It was the way she said it.” In a nasal voice, Samantha said, “Good for you.”

  “Clearly she’s not happy for me, but her words don’t affect me anymore. Let’s see if the punch is spiked like it was back then,” I said. The only person who mattered was Logan. What he thought of me.

  When the tempo of the music picked up, we danced for several songs. I felt happier than I had in days. I tried to push Logan out of my mind and enjoy the moment, but thoughts of never spending time with him, never touching him, never kissing him again ran through my mind. I felt a crushing weight on my chest that I couldn’t dislodge.

  Then the next song slowed down and couples wandered back on the floor. Samantha and Jack paired up to dance, and I stared longingly at them, wishing it was me and Logan. Then I walked off the dance floor right into a tuxedo-clad chest.

  Hands steadied my shoulders as he said in that low rumbly voice I’d know anywhere, “May I have this dance?”

  Was this real? What was he doing here?

  My eyes drifted from his chest up to his face. He was beautiful, but I didn’t see any dimples or sparkle in his eyes. Instead, he looked tentative and unsure.

  “How did you get in? This isn’t your class reunion.”

  “I charmed my way in.” He gestured at Luke, who was in his uniform, talking to Ms. Rhulen by the door.

  My lips twitching, I said, “Of course you did.” For the first time in days, he was here with me and I let hope fill my chest. I’d missed him.

  “So, may I?” He held his hand out.

  “Sure.” I took his hand and he wrapped his other arm around my back, pulling me close.

  When his hand met the bare skin of my back, he groaned. “This dress will be the death of me.”

  We danced in silence for a few minutes. I basked in the feel of his arms on me; our bodies pressed together, and his cologne. It brought back memories of the first night we were together, how sexy and hot it was. I didn’t think I would get this opportunity to be close to him again. If it was my last time, I wanted to savor it.

  Then he said quietly, “I’m not going to lie—finding out that you went behind my back and talked to my dad was a surprise. I didn’t know you even knew him. I needed time to think about things.” He paused for a second, taking a deep breath. “I took your advice and went to Sunday dinner at my parents’. We talked about everything. His health concerns, what I saw or what I thought I saw between him and his secretary.”

  “Are his health issues serious?” I knew he’d told me they weren’t, but I wanted to hear it from Logan.

  “He has coronary heart disease. So he’s watching what he eats, exercising, and trying to relieve stress. It’s serious, but not life-threatening if he does what he’s supposed to do.”

  “That’s good. What did you mean what you thought you saw with his secretary? ”

  “His secretary came on to him, but he pushed her away. He told my mom that night. He didn’t fire the secretary, but he moved her so that she worked for a different attorney. He said he would have fired the secretary if my mom wanted him to, but she felt bad doing that. And the woman quit shortly after anyway.” The hand on my back moved up to stroke my hair back from my face.

  “So, this whole time you thought your dad cheated on your mom?”

  “Yeah. I should have talked to him back then. I’ve been angry at him and it was unnecessary.” His hand dropped down my arm to my hand, holding it. “Then I realized you were right. If you had told me earlier, I would have reacted the same way. And I can’t blame you for talking to a law firm about a job offer, even if it’s my dad’s firm.”

  “When Cal offered me a position, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t taking your job. He explained he had a health scare and he needed to train someone to take over the firm, but would alway
s leave a position for you and your brother. He didn’t know we were dating. I have to think he wouldn’t have told me if he knew. And I didn’t intend to consider the job at all until Gunner’s decision was finalized and we had a chance to discuss it. I promise I didn’t intend to act on anything until we talked—until I knew you’d be okay with it.” I rambled on as Logan watched me with a smile on his lips, holding both of my hands now.

  “I love you.”

  My eyes flew up to his. “What did you say?” A slow song was on and other couples continued to dance around us, but we stood still.

  “I said, I love you.”

  “I love you too,” I said softly. “I knew when I talked to you on your porch. And I knew we couldn’t move forward until you trusted me.”

  “I do trust you. More than anyone else.” He kissed me, hard and demanding, claiming me in front of everyone. My arms went around his neck as I tried to get as close to him as I could.

  “Want to get out of here?” he asked, pulling away.

  My heart sped up at the thought of being alone with Logan after he’d said he loved me. “Yes. More than anything, but I came here with Stella.” I looked around for her. She stood next to Jack and Samantha by the refreshments. When she saw me and Logan, she mouthed, “Go.”

  I smiled in response as he grabbed my hand and waved to Jack and Luke as I hurried in my heels to keep up with him. I was giddy and a rush went through me. This is what it would have felt like in high school had the popular jock danced with me, kissed me on the dance floor, and couldn’t wait to get me home.

  We came to a stop by the door of his truck. Logan backed me up to the door, his hands in my hair as he kissed me again. “Your place is closer.” He tugged me away from the door to open it and help me inside, his hand on my butt to boost me in. Once I was settled, Logan slipped his hand inside the slit of my dress as he reached with his other hand to buckle my seatbelt. My legs widened to allow him easier access. His hand slowly moved up my inner thigh to cup me through my panties. “You’re wet for me already.”