World's Worst Parrot

by Alice Kuipers

  “Like, super gross!” Kim V. agrees.

  Kim B., Kim V. and Ava. Best friends since preschool. But both Kims seem to have turned into beautiful swans. Ava feels like the ugly duckling beside them. The Kims smell like perfume, and both have perfect makeup and hair. Where did they even learn to do all that? And both of them are wearing ankle boots, black leggings and silky tops, as if they planned their outfits together.

  But the thing Ava is most jealous about is that both Kims still have their dads at home.

  She sighs.

  “Why did you get a parrot?” Kim V. asks.

  “I didn’t get it. I inherited it. From my great-uncle. Some guy I don’t even remember.” Ava puts her bag into her locker and takes out her binder.

  Two boys in their grade, Hamid and Charlie, flap their arms as they pass by. “Bird lady!” one of them shouts.

  Kim B. giggles. “He is sooo cute,” she says.

  “Who? Charlie?”

  “No!” both Kims gasp.

  “Hamid, of course,” Kim V. says, batting her eyelashes as she looks over at him.

  “Right,” says Ava. “Of course.” She doesn’t really see it, but whatever. The three of them walk toward their first class, social studies. Ava ignores the bird calls and jokes that fill the air around her. She slumps in her seat. She is surprised when the two Kims grab seats in the row behind her.

  “What’s going on, guys?” Ava asks, turning around. “We always sit together.”

  Kim B. says, “Just…you know…” She glances at the other Kim. “The bird thing.”

  “What?” Ava asks.

  “Well, it’s kind of gross,” says Kim V.

  “But the bird isn’t even here!” Ava cries.

  The Kims both laugh at that. Just then their teacher, Mr. Patel, walks into the class. Ava has to turn back and face the front. The empty seats on either side of her make her want to sink into the floor and disappear. She knows no one is listening to Mr. Patel, that everyone is focused on the parrot.

  When Mr. Patel turns to write some notes on the smartboard, Ava glances at her phone.

  @gobigorgohome Why did you take the parrot pics down? We want more.

  @HamidManAboutTown We want more Mervin! HAHAHAHAHA

  Ava sighs. This will all be over soon. In a couple of days, everyone will move on and forget those pictures were ever there. She hopes. She is so busy looking at her phone, she doesn’t notice the girl sliding into the seat beside her.

  “Hi,” the girl whispers. “I’m Melinda Flores.”

  “Hey,” Ava says, still looking at her phone.

  “I thought you might like some company.”

  Ava puts the phone down. “Yes. Thank you. Are you new?”

  “Um, I started here at the beginning of the year. But we haven’t really met properly.”

  “Oh.” Ava can’t think of anything else to say. This girl is being so nice to her. Ava’s life is such a nightmare, and her friends have abandoned her. But this stranger is being kind.

  Melinda has long, silky hair. She has quick, bright eyes and a huge smile. She says, “I love parrots.”

  “Right.” So that’s why Melinda is sitting next to her. It’s because of the stupid parrot. Another person reminding her of the stupid bird and the way her life has fallen apart.

  Mr. Patel leans over. “Girls, no talking, please. You should be starting to plan your personal project. You need to choose a subject that interests you. You need to research it, make a presentation poster and present your topic to the class. And remember, no phones in class unless for research, right?”

  “Sorry, Mr. Patel,” say Melinda and Ava at the same time.

  Ugh. The personal project. The only thing Ava’s really interested in is online celebrities. Yikes! She tries to come up with an idea, but she’s just too stressed.

  At the end of class Melinda tries to talk to Ava again. But Ava gets up and walks away from her and from the two Kims. She avoids them and keeps her head down for the rest of the long, awful day. With every step she takes, with every birdcall in the hallways, Ava becomes more determined to get rid of Mervin.

  A tiny part of her feels bad. Looking after Mervin was her great-uncle’s last request. But then Ava remembers the feeling of Mervin’s claws digging into her scalp. No. The bird has to go.

  In her last class, Ava pulls out her phone and glances at it under her desk. She ignores all the notifications on the screen. Instead, she looks up the information for the zoo.

  “Ava! This is not the time or the place for your phone!” yells Mrs. Miller. She is not even an old teacher, but she has issues with any technology. “You know my rules!”

  “I was just—” Ava begins.

  Mrs. Miller rants on about cell phones. “If I see it again, you’ll be in detention!”

  Ava has never had detention. Ever. She can hear the class laughing behind her. Around her. She feels tears spring to her eyes. Ava sinks her head into her hands. She has a horrible feeling that her day is only going to get worse.

  Chapter Four

  While she’s walking home, Ava calls the zoo. After being on hold for ages, she gets put through to “Animal Recovery.” At first they are reluctant to talk to her. Apparently people phone them all the time wanting to give them their unwanted parrots. Ava feels bad. Poor parrots.

  The person on the other end asks Ava what type of parrot she has. “Um. I’m not sure…” What the heck did the delivery guy call it? “Oh! I remember. It’s an African gray. That’s it!”

  “Interesting. We actually are looking for an African gray. Our zoo doesn’t have one. They are terrific mimics.” The guy laughs as if he’s said something funny. “Can your parrot mimic?”

  “Talk, you mean? Yes. Yes! He definitely can. Does that mean you want him?”

  “Okay. Well, maybe. We will have to set up a time with our bird specialist.”

  A bird specialist? What a horrible job, thinks Ava. “Great,” she says.

  “Someone could come by later this week.”

  “Later this week? Not today?” Ava asks.

  “Not today, no. We’re all booked up. Sorry.”

  Ava gives the man her contact details, then ends the call. She expects to feel better, but she feels miserable. And itʼs a miserable, cold afternoon.

  When Ava gets home neither Gregg nor her mom is there. She slumps on the living-room sofa. Normally on Mondays she works out with an online class. But she just can’t be bothered today. She sighs.

  The living room is very clean and tidy. The whole house is like that. It used to be full of stuff, regular “people live here” stuff like books and knickknacks and framed photographs. But after their dad left, their mom got obsessed with “decluttering.” She has always been tidy. She has always been a perfectionist. But before, everything in their house was cozy and beautiful. Suddenly their mom got into reading blogs and watching videos about the minimalist lifestyle. Then she got rid of anything Dad had left behind. But she also got rid of the “art” that Ava and Gregg had made when they were little. She donated all the books. She cleared away all the little keepsakes that had decorated the windowsills and shelves. Now, to Ava, the house feels empty and lonely. But her mom says it makes her feel peaceful. She says this is how the house was always meant to be.

  Ava messages her dad.

  Hey, Dad. How’s it going?

  Good. Missing my girl.

  Maybe you could come back for a visit soon?

  There is no answer for a while. Then her phone blips.

  We’ll have to see, Ava. Things are busy with my new job. I’m sorry, baby girl. I do miss you.

  Sure, Ava thinks. If he were missing her, maybe he shouldn’t have moved to Vancouver with his girlfriend. Sometimes she wants to see him so badly, she gets mad at herself. And it seems like every time she contacts him, she ends up feeling worse.

  She hears the bird screeching from her room. “MONKEY! MONKEY! MONKEY!”

  Argh. The last thing Ava needs righ
t now is Mervin. She stomps into the kitchen and makes herself a protein drink. Another one of their mom’s new fads. Super-healthy eating. She was even into cleanses for a while. Gross. Ava hated that. Now there is never anything decent to eat in the house. But this protein drink tastes pretty good—vanilla chai.

  She takes a selfie, holding the drink awkwardly in one hand. After three or four shots, she gets a picture that looks okay.

  A post-workout drink. I love getting healthy. Life couldn’t be better. #getfit #lifegoals #proteinshake #lovinglife

  Okay. She knows she’s lying about working out. But posting how her day should have gone makes her feel better. Tomorrow she’ll exercise. For sure.

  @musicloves Where’s the parrot, girl?

  @tothemoon We want Mervin!

  How is that amazing bird today? #loveyourfeed #wherearemervinandavapics?

  @melindaflor happy to talk to you about parrots

  Ava lets out a scream of frustration. She chucks her phone onto the sofa. She hears a scream from her bedroom. Just like her scream.

  The stupid parrot! He is copying her. Again.

  She flings open her bedroom door. Her room stinks! It smells like straw and feathers and bird poop. She gags.

  “You are a gross bird!”

  “GROSS BIRD,” Mervin replies. He cocks his head.

  “You have ruined my life!”

  “RUINED MY LIFE!” Mervin repeats.

  Even though she knows he’s only saying what he hears, she wonders if it’s true. Has she ruined Mervin’s life? His life has been turned upside down too. One day he was living with his beloved Bertie. And then suddenly he was here. In a new house. With new people.

  Ava softens her voice. “Poor bird. It’s been a big change for you too.”

  Mervin opens his beak and lets out a loud laugh. It’s Gregg’s laugh. He has copied it perfectly. Mervin laughs over and over. It’s like Gregg is in the room. Argh. Just when Ava was starting to feel sorry for the horrid bird, he does something like that.

  “Well,” she says, “you don’t need to worry. Our nightmare is going to be over soon. I called the zoo. So you better behave when they come to do an inspection. If all goes well, they’ll take you away. And both of us will be happy.” Ava stops talking. What is she doing, talking to this parrot like he can understand her?

  Her phone buzzes. It is Kim B. texting.

  I thought you were done with posting parrot pictures. Gross.

  I am done! Ava replies.

  What’s this then? @avaandmervin

  Oh no. What is going on? Ava opens up her social media and discovers both parrot pictures from yesterday under the name AvaandMervin. Oh my god! Gregg must have created the account. And it already has over 3,000 followers!

  She checks her own feed. She has been unfollowed by lots of people. She has only 521 followers now. Fewer than she had before Mervin arrived!

  She calls Gregg. She can hear his phone ringing somewhere in the house. He must be home.

  “What are you doing?” she yells, both into the phone and into the air.

  He sticks his head around her doorway. He is holding his phone. “You’re calling me?” His eyes are dancing. He is trying hard not to laugh. If Ava had something in her hand other than her phone, she would throw it at his annoying face.

  “Why would you set up a social media feed about me and the parrot? Are you trying to ruin my life?”

  “Little sister, I’m doing you a favor. You just don’t realize it yet.”

  He walks across her room to Mervin’s cage. “You’re a good-looking guy,” he says to the bird.

  “GOOD-LOOKING GUY!” the bird replies.

  Gregg laughs.

  The bird mimics him. Laughing.

  “Get out of my room!” shouts Ava.

  “GET OUT, GET OUT!” Mervin yells.

  Gregg leans forward and opens the cage.

  “NO!” Ava shouts. “What are you doing?”

  But it’s too late. Mervin is out of the cage and flapping around the room. Laughing like Gregg.

  Ava screams. Gregg has his phone out. It looks like he is filming. She lunges at him. Mervin swoops by.

  Mervin lands on Ava’s bookshelf. He scrabbles at the wood with his clawed feet. He knocks over a ceramic sculpture her mom put there. It shatters on the floor.

  Then Mervin poops. “MONKEY IDIOT!” he yells.

  Ava can’t get the phone away from Gregg. He holds it up like he’s still filming. She tries to calm herself. People could be watching this right now. Like, lots of people.

  “So,” she says, plastering on a fake smile, “if any of you have any advice on what to do to help me get Mervin back into his cage, I’d love to hear it.”

  Gregg hoots with laughter. “You are, like, the Parrot Girl! Oooh. Melinda Flores is watching, and she says, Try offering him a treat.”

  Ava realizes that advice is from the new girl in class. She grits her teeth. “What a wonderful idea,” she says sweetly. “What sort of treat does a parrot eat?”

  “You even rhyme!” Gregg cries. “Keep it up, little sister. This is internet gold! Melinda writes, Peanuts might work.”

  Ava keeps her fake smile on and marches from her room. Gregg follows. She keeps her back to him. And she doesn’t scream when the bird flaps over her head. Mervin is coming along too.

  “MONKEY IDIOT!” Mervin screams.

  Ava is going to find some peanuts and try to end this nightmare.

  Chapter Five

  With peanuts and patience, Ava finally got Mervin back into his cage. Now she lies in her bed, the blankets pulled over her head to block out the sound of him scratching. Mervin mutters quietly. But the sounds he’s making don’t sound like words.

  Ava checks her phone. Now there are 4,314 followers. For AvaandMervin. Barely five hundred for Ava. Gregg, of course, posted the video and some photos too. The video has had the most likes so far. Ava watches it again. Mervin yelling, “MONKEY IDIOT” over and over while Ava frantically searches for peanuts. When she finally finds a tub of them, Mervin flies over and lands on her head. Ava screams. In the video. In real life, she plonks her phone facedown on the bed.

  Ugh.

  Despite the noise Mervin is making, Ava eventually falls asleep. She dreams of her family—Ava and her dad and her mom all together. She startles awake. In the darkness of her room, she has the feeling she is being watched.

  The feeling creeps her out. Who could be watching her?

  “Hello, pretty.”

  Mervin. Of course. Ava had forgotten about the dumb bird. She flips her phone over. It is packed with notifications for AvaandMervin. By the low blue light of the screen, she can see Mervin looking over at her. He has his head cocked and is watching her with one yellow eye. “Hello, Pretty Pretty,” says Mervin.

  “Hello, you horrible bird,” Ava says.

  Mervin stares at Ava. She feels bad for being so mean.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean it. You’re not a horrible bird. I just had a bad dream, and it put me in a grumpy mood.”

  Mervin cocks his head again. It’s like he’s actually listening.

  Ava finds that she wants to keep talking to him. “I mean, it wasn’t a bad dream. It was a good dream—I was dreaming that me and my parents were having breakfast together. It was nice. But really they just fought all the time. It’s probably a good thing that Dad left. I just miss him, you know?”

  “Idiot,” Mervin says quietly.

  Ava giggles. “Dad is a bit of an idiot. It’s true. He left me and Gregg behind. That makes me feel sad.” Ava’s eyes fill with tears. “But I think he’s probably happier now. I should go to visit him. I wish Mom were happier too. Since he left, she hasn’t really been herself. It’s almost like she’s afraid to be happy.”

  “Monkey,” says Mervin. “Peanut?” he adds, sounding hopeful.

  “Sure, have a peanut.” Ava reaches over and opens up the tub. She passes him a peanut through the bars. He takes it gently with his beak and
is soon crunching happily.

  “You’re actually a good-looking parrot,” says Ava. “I mean, you have nice feathers.”

  Mervin laughs. He sounds like Gregg.

  “But that is annoying. You have to learn to laugh like someone else. My brother is the worst.”

  “Worst,” Mervin says.

  “Exactly.” Ava suddenly feels silly for talking to a parrot. “Good night, Mervin.” She cuddles into the pillow. Her eyelids get very heavy.

  “Ava,” says Mervin quietly.

  “Did you say something?” Ava mumbles as she drifts off to sleep.

  In the morning, when Ava wakes up, she immediately looks over to the cage. Mervin’s eyes are closed. Ava tiptoes out of her room. Her mom is in the kitchen, wiping the counter.

  “I had to clean bird poop off the counter this morning, Ava,” she says, frowning.

  “Morning, Monkey Face,” Gregg says. He pops his head up from the sofa.

  “Sorry, Mom,” Ava says. Then she turns to give her stupid brother a look.

  “That bird has to go,” says their mom. “It can’t stay here. You don’t know how to look after it properly. The house smells like parrot. And bird poop on the counter is unsanitary.”

  “You need coffee, Mom,” says Gregg.

  Their mom lets out a sharp breath, between clenched teeth.

  Ava says, “I’ve already called the zoo. They’re coming by later this week to assess him.”

  “Right. Good.” Their mom wipes the already clean counter again.

  “You called the zoo?” Gregg asks. “But what about a dying man’s last wish?”

  “Shut up, Gregg,” says Ava.

  “And your followers! They love you. You’re a superstar.”

  “Gregg, I mean it. Shut up!” Ava yells.

  “The bird is leaving our house, and that’s that.” Their mom picks up a mug and fills it with coffee. “The two of you need to stop fighting. I’ve had it up to here.” She gestures with one hand to somewhere way above her head. “I’m off to my meeting.”

  Gregg looks over at Ava as their mom slams the front door. “Don’t ask me what’s up with her,” he says. “She’s been in a bad mood ever since Dad left.”