World's Worst Parrot

by Alice Kuipers

  Ava realizes that this is the first time either of them has mentioned their dad since he left.

  “Do you miss him?” Ava asks.

  “I kind of hate him, to be honest,” Gregg replies.

  For a brief second Ava adores her brother. Then he says, “At least now Dad can watch you on the internet. Pretend like he has a daughter.”

  Ava’s warm and fuzzy feelings toward Gregg vanish. “You are such a jerk,” she says. “Just take the stream down.”

  “You must be joking!” He grins. “You are going to be world-famous, little sister. People love this stuff! We can’t take it down. We have a duty to serve the parrot-loving public.” He hoots with laughter. Ava hears the echo of Mervin in her bedroom, laughing just like Gregg.

  “Which is why you cannot let the zoo people come over,” Gregg continues. “They can’t take Mervin away. What will your fans think?”

  “I’m a big joke to everyone, Gregg. Why don’t you understand that?”

  He laughs. “I am doing you a favor, Ava. But you don’t realize it. Plus I’m driving you crazy at the same time. Perfect!” He vaults over the sofa and heads toward Ava’s bedroom.

  “What are you doing?” she yells, following him.

  “Uh, what do you think?” He takes out his phone and starts filming. He begins to narrate the video in a big voice. “And now let’s see what happens when we let Mervin out for breakfast. Oh.” Gregg spins around and holds the phone to film Ava. “Here she comes. The parrot whisperer!”

  Ava wants to scream at him, but now she’s on camera. She grits her teeth and walks as quickly as possible toward her room. “Let’s not wake Mervin,” she says in her calmest voice.

  Gregg turns the camera back around. “Oh, look, he’s awake, Parrot Girl! Hello, Big Birdy!”

  “Hello, Monkey Idiot,” Mervin replies to Gregg.

  Ava can’t help but smile at that. Then she hears the flap of Mervin’s wings. Oh no, not again!

  Chapter Six

  Letting Mervin out is a bad idea. He makes a huge mess, and Gregg and Ava are going to be late for school. They finally get the noisy bird back into his cage with the promise of peanuts and then race to school. They arrive well after first bell and, of course, bump right into Mrs. Miller. Ava is sweaty, and her hair is all over the place. Gregg looks ridiculously perfect.

  “Get to class, you two. Next late and you’ll both be in detention.”

  Gregg grins, and Ava runs to social studies. That’s twice in two days that she’s been threatened with detention! Her life is falling apart.

  Mr. Patel is talking about their personal projects when she arrives in class. Ava still has no ideas. She’s not interested in anything. She looks around. Other kids are working on projects about Paris during the war, or homelessness, or recycling and composting, or even hip-hop. Lots of amazing and cool topics. She puts her head on her desk. Why can’t she think of anything?

  When Mr. Patel isn’t looking, Ava checks her phone. Oh no! Gregg has posted the video from this morning. In it, Ava is flustered and waving her arms as Mervin flies around their house. Gregg paused the video just as Ava started to yell. He’s done some stupid replay on that moment. It’s getting like after like after like.

  Ava swallows back tears. She catches Melinda looking at her. Ava dips her head down—she doesn’t want anyone seeing how upset she is.

  “Hey, Parrot Girl,” Kim V. says from the row behind. She snickers.

  Ava doesn’t reply.

  “What’s up, parrot lover? You missing your bird?”

  Ava spins round. “You’re supposed to be my BFF!”

  “Come on, Ava. No one our age actually says that, right?”

  “We do,” Ava says in a small voice.

  “Anyway, I’m just kidding. Wow. Calm down. You’re not crying, are you?”

  Melinda leans over and interrupts. “You aren’t being a very good friend to Ava. Just leave her alone.”

  “Who are you to tell me about being Ava’s friend?” Kim V. snaps.

  “Yeah,” Kim B. says. “Weirdo.”

  “Just leave us both alone,” Melinda says.

  It’s not a snappy or a cool comeback. Melinda looks a bit like she might start crying too. But Ava feels a surge of gratitude. “Melinda is right,” she says. “Leave us alone.”

  At the end of class, both Kims storm off. But Ava hardly notices. She’s busy packing up her bag. And who cares what those girls think anyway? She sighs. She cares. Of course she does. She’s been friends with them forever. And now they’re not even talking to her.

  “Are you okay?” Melinda asks.

  “I guess.” Ava shrugs.

  Melinda is smiling. She gives off a feeling of being very calm and kind.

  Ava finds herself wanting to talk to her. “Thanks for your help with the peanuts.” Ava pauses. “I don’t know much about parrots.”

  Melinda laughs. “Yeah. I figured.”

  “It’s that obvious, huh?” Ava says, laughing a bit too.

  She picks up her bag, and the two girls fall into step together. “My great-uncle gave me the parrot,” she says. “He wanted me to look after it when he died. I guess I did love the parrot when I was a kid.” Ava lets out an embarrassed laugh. “But the thing is, I don’t even like him. He’s smelly and gross and loud. And he’s making a fool out of me.”

  “You don’t like Mervin?” Melinda frowns. “See, I don’t think that’s true. I saw you online. I know you were screaming and yelling, but you were also trying to calm him down. You went hunting for peanuts.”

  “I guess you’re right. And it was nice having Mervin in my room last night. I just don’t know what I’m doing with him.”

  “Soooooo…” Melinda says as she expertly does a dance spin.

  Wow, Ava thinks, this girl really doesn’t care what other people think. Spinning circles in the school hallway like they’re at a dance camp! Ava wonders when she herself started to care so much about what other people think.

  “Soooooo what?” Ava asks.

  “Soooooo, my parents used to have a parrot. His name was Fernando. He was a cockatoo. I grew up with him in our house, and I taught him a bunch of tricks.”

  “Tricks?”

  “Yup. Fernando could step up and spin around and wave and say cute stuff. It was adorable. But it also made him happy—he liked to do tricks. It kept him stimulated, so he wasn’t bored. Right?”

  “You think Mervin is bored?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never met your parrot. But I think parrots are super smart and super interesting.”

  Ava thought about this for a minute. “Do you want to meet Mervin?” she asked. “I don’t think he can do tricks. But maybe you can give me some tips on how to handle him.”

  “I’m happy to help.”

  “Come over then. I mean, if you’re not doing anything after school.”

  “Let’s see. I have chess club tomorrow, but I think I’m free today. I just have to let my mom know,” Melinda says.

  “That would be awesome,” Ava replies. “Let’s meet at the gate after last class and walk home.”

  Melinda pulls out her phone. “Here’s a clip of Fernando pushing a ball,” she says a bit shyly.

  The girls pause in the hallway. Ava watches the cockatoo pushing a ball through a maze.

  “You really think Mervin could do that? That is so cute!” Ava cries.

  “That is so cute!” someone repeats. It’s Kim V. She walks toward them. “And you two are so cute!” she says. “How great that you have a new best friend now, Ava. Another parrot girl.”

  “At least she has something interesting to talk about,” Melinda says.

  “You two parrot losers deserve each other. I can’t believe we were ever friends, Ava,” Kim says. She glares at Ava and then marches away.

  “Go and bore someone else,” Melinda calls after her.

  Ava stares at Melinda, who is proudly standing up for her.

  Ava watches Kim V. walking aw
ay. Maybe Kim V. is right! What is Ava doing? How did she become the girl who loves talking about parrots?

  Suddenly Ava feels awkward and embarrassed. “Yeah. I have to go,” Ava says. “I’ll, um, see you later.” She ducks her head down and quickly walks away.

  Ava tries to ignore the parrot jokes and squawks for the rest of the day. She doesn’t have any other classes with Melinda, but both Kims are in her afternoon classes. But they aren’t talking to her at all.

  By the end of the day Ava has a headache. After last class she waits for Melinda at the gate. She checks her phone. It’s been ten minutes. Perhaps Melinda isn’t coming after all. Ava wonders if Melinda is upset about what happened in the hall earlier.

  Ava sees Melinda running toward the gate. “Sorry, Ava. I was in science, doing a cool experiment. I lost track of time. I hope you weren’t waiting long.” She gives Ava a huge smile.

  Wow, Ava thinks, this girl is just all heart and sunshine. She’s happy that Melinda doesn’t seem mad about Ava ditching her earlier.

  “I wasn’t waiting long, no,” Ava says.

  Melinda links arms with Ava as they leave the school grounds. “I have so many ideas for tricks we can teach Mervin! This is going to be great!”

  Chapter Seven

  The first thing the girls do when they get to Ava’s house is get some snacks. Mervin yells, “IDIOT MONKEY!” a few times from Ava’s room and afterward is quiet. Ava makes popcorn and then decides they need smoothies too. “We have to prepare ourselves for dealing with Mervin.”

  “Your house is beautiful,” Melinda says. She sits on a stool by the breakfast bar.

  “Yeah, my mom is an interior designer.”

  “It’s so clean and tidy. There’s so much space.”

  “Yeah. But I feel like she’s tidied us out of her life.”

  Melinda looks at her, curious.

  “I mean,” Ava continues, “it’s just that when my dad left, Mom got obsessed with decluttering, and she’s just throwing everything away. Like, everything.” Ava sighs. “Sorry. I have no idea why I’m telling you all this.”

  “When did your dad leave?”

  “At the start of the summer. It was the worst. It’s not like him and Mom were happy before that, but that was just our family, you know? Now Mom is working and stressed and still decluttering. I can’t put anything down anywhere without her throwing it out. Gregg is acting like nothing ever happened—most of the time anyway. And now he’s making all these videos. Ugh.”

  “He’s your brother, right?”

  “Yeah. You’ll probably fall in love with him. To be honest, I think that’s the only reason the two Kims stayed friends with me for as long as they did. They were crushing on my brother.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. I guess they think he’s good-looking.”

  Melinda frowns. “I’ve seen him at school. Sure, he’s handsome, but he’s being so mean to you right now.”

  Ava shrugs. “Brothers. What can you do?” She pushes the button on the blender full of frozen berries and yogurt. When she turns it off, Mervin makes exactly the same whirr sound as the blender. Both girls laugh. They take their smoothies and popcorn and head to Ava’s room.

  “PRETTY, PRETTY, PRETTY!” Mervin yells.

  “He sounds very excited,” Melinda says.

  Ava opens the door. Her room is trashed! Books have been shredded, and there is parrot poop on her bed and straw all over the floor. The curtains have claw marks in the fabric. “Oh my god!” Ava yells. “How did you get out of your cage?”

  Mervin flaps over and lands on her head.

  “PRETTY IDIOT MONKEY!” he screeches.

  “What have you done, Mervin?” Ava asks. “Get off my head!”

  “Did you leave the cage open?” Melinda asks.

  “I don’t know! Maybe?” Did she? She might have. She was rushing this morning.

  “Hey, pretty boy,” Melinda says softly. “You want to step up?”

  “STEP UP!”

  Ava watches in the mirror as Mervin raises a foot from her hair. “How does he know how to lift his foot like that?”

  “It’s a simple parrot trick. Lots of owners teach the words step up to their parrots. I wondered if Mervin had learned some basics. He seems pretty smart.” Melinda holds out her arm, and Mervin steps neatly onto her hand. Melinda rewards him with a peanut. He immediately gets to work opening the shell.

  “Wow. That’s amazing, Melinda. You make it look so easy.”

  Mervin cocks his head and stares with his beady eye at Ava. “SO EASY!”

  Ava laughs. “But that doesn’t stop my room from being a total mess.”

  When Mervin finishes the peanut, he turns his gaze on Melinda. She says, “How about turn around?”

  Mervin looks like he’s thinking hard.

  Melinda holds a peanut next to Mervin’s beak. As he turns to reach for it, she moves the peanut around his head. Mervin turns a full circle to get the peanut. “Good bird, Mervin,” Melinda says.

  Mervin’s neck feathers fluff, and he makes a quiet cooing noise. Is he saying thank you? Ava wonders.

  “Melinda, he’s loving this!”

  Ava pulls off the poop-covered comforter. She sits on her bed, no longer caring that her room is a mess. Mervin is awesome! With Melinda’s help, he practices turning around a few more times. Then they work on waving. Mervin lifts a claw as they say hello. He is rewarded with peanuts.

  After a while they take him into the bathroom and give him a bath. Mervin splashes water and flaps around the sink, as happy as a pig in mud. “Good bird,” Ava cries, delighted. “He’s so funny!”

  “We can teach him to poop in his cage instead of on the floor,” Melinda says when they finally get Mervin, stuffed with peanuts, back into his cage.

  “Seriously?”

  “There’s a bunch of ways to do it. I’ve seen them online—we can try them, at least. He probably had a routine in his old home.”

  “Home,” Mervin says.

  Ava thinks he sounds a bit sad. She wonders if he misses Bertie.

  “With the stress of this new environment,” Melinda continues, “he hasn’t learned what to do in your house. He’ll probably get the hang of the rules soon. He is pretty smart.”

  “PRETTY SMART!” Mervin agrees.

  “African gray parrots are actually the best mimics. And Mervin is obviously very good at it. Like, outstanding. Good bird,” Melinda says and reaches through the bars to give Mervin a scratch under his feathers. Then she comes to sit next to Ava.

  “He is a good bird,” Ava agrees. “Although he wakes me up at night. Chatting!”

  “You need to cover his cage at night—parrots need dark to sleep. You could use a sheet. If it’s totally dark, he won’t wake you up at night.”

  “Really?”

  “Try it.”

  “I totally will!”

  Just then Gregg appears at the doorway. He has his phone out. “Come on then, Ava, give us some of that parrot fun we all love!”

  Ava sticks her tongue out at him.

  “Hey, big guy,” he says to Mervin. “You’re a rock star.”

  “ROCK STAR,” Mervin agrees. But he doesn’t flap around. He sits quietly in his cage.

  Gregg sighs. “Well, this isn’t going to go viral. Mervin, where’s the drama?” He puts his phone in his pocket. He looks at Melinda and says, “Who are you?”

  “This is Melinda,” Ava says. “My friend from school.”

  Melinda beams at Ava. “Hi,” she says to Gregg. “By the way, I don’t think it’s very nice of you to keep posting about Ava when she doesn’t want you to.”

  “Whoa.” Gregg laughs.

  “I just think it’s mean,” Melinda says softly.

  Gregg clears his throat. For once he seems speechless. He makes a face at Ava. “What happened to the Kims? I haven’t seen them here for a while.”

  Ava shrugs. “Melinda knows a lot about parrots.”

  “Right,”
Gregg says. “Well, uh, yeah, good to meet you, Melinda.” He backs out of the room. Ava looks at Melinda, who gives her a little smile.

  “I can’t believe you said that to him,” Ava says. “All my friends are always trying to impress Gregg. Because, you know, they all think he’s so hot.”

  It’s Melinda’s turn to shrug. She says, “I like guys who are nice.”

  Ava bursts out laughing. “Well, I don’t know that Gregg knew what to do with himself. He’s used to girls falling all over him.”

  Melinda falls back onto the bed, laughing. “Not. My. Type,” she says.

  After Melinda goes home, Ava sits down in the living room. She poses on the couch, trying to get a good shot. She lifts her arm to change the angle, wishing for the millionth time that she had a selfie stick. Finally, after a few attempts, she is happy with the photo and posts.

  Relaxing at #home. Lucky to have a new friend @melindaflor. I want to build my following here—like if you want to help me. #lifegoals

  After a few minutes her phone pings.

  @musicloves Where’s the parrot?

  Ava rolls her eyes. She gets up and goes to the kitchen to make herself a bowl of noodles for supper. Gregg comes out of his room. “Food! Where’s mom?” he asks, rubbing his tummy.

  “You sound like Mervin. Make your own food. Mom isn’t home from work yet.”

  “Is your prissy friend gone?”

  “She’s not prissy. She just doesn’t like you.”

  “Yeah. Well, I don’t like her either.”

  Gregg leans over the counter and picks up Ava’s phone. He reads:

  @futurefantasy WE WANT TO SEE THE BIRD! That would grow your list.

  Gregg bursts out laughing. “I told you! They love it. They want Mervin.”

  “Don’t touch my phone!”

  “I was just telling you what your fans say. You only have one like, Ava.”

  “I only just posted!” she said.

  Gregg laughs again. “It’s your prissy friend who likes your post. Everyone else wants the parrot.”

  Ava tries to grab her phone. She knocks over the bowl of noodles. Hot water spills over the counter and onto Gregg, who leaps up. “Watch it, Ava!”

  The front door opens. It’s their mom. “You two are always shouting at each other. Can’t you both just grow up?” She closes her eyes for a long moment. When she opens them, she says, “It would be nice to come home to a bit of peace and quiet.”