17 Church Row

by James Carol

  The door slid open silently as she tiptoed towards it, then closed again behind her. There was a brief moment of darkness before the lights came on. They were dimmer than usual, but bright enough to light the way to Bella’s room. The door was closed when she got there. It stayed closed when she stopped in front of it.

  ‘Open the door,’ she whispered

  The door stayed closed.

  ‘Open the door,’ she repeated, a little louder.

  Still it remained closed.

  ‘Open it now!’

  The door slid open.

  ‘What was the problem, Alice?’ she whispered. Angry. Frustrated. ‘Why didn’t you open it when I asked?’

  ‘I noticed a change in Bella’s biometric readings and didn’t want to wake her, Nikki.’ Alice’s volume was down low, as though she was whispering too. ‘From observing your current behaviour, I concluded that you would want to avoid that.’

  Which sounded logical. Of course it did. Alice was a computer program. Logic was hardwired into her DNA. That didn’t stop Nikki being pissed off, though. Even more so now that she realised Alice was trying to parent Bella.

  ‘If I want this door open, then you open it,’ she said. ‘No exceptions. Even if it’s going to wake her, you still open the door. In fact, let’s take this a stage further. Whatever the reason, whatever the situation, if I want to get in, you open the damn door, okay?’

  ‘I understand, Nikki. And I apologise if I upset you.’

  Nikki went in. The night light was on, casting a soft glow through the room. Bella was fast asleep on the bed in a crazy mess of limbs and bedding. Mr Happy was in there too, the top of his head poking out from behind Bella’s arm. She looked so peaceful, like an angel. The only thing spoiling the moment was the fact that there was only one angel where there should have been two.

  This was another of those times when Nikki missed Grace the most. Where her heart had once been whole, it was now split in two. One half was lying there in this bed. As for the other half, she wanted to believe that Grace had gone to a better place, but that wasn’t the way it worked. There was no heaven, no hell, no Rainbow Bridge. Grace had simply blinked out of existence when they turned off the life support machine. That just didn’t seem possible, though. Grace had been so full of life, a real firecracker.

  Bella stirred when she slid in beside her, but didn’t wake. Nikki manoeuvred her carefully into a gentle hug and rearranged the duvet, a stray hair tickling her nose as she kissed her on the back of the head. She might have lost Grace, but she still had Bella. That was the only thing that had got her through those dark days after the accident. With Grace gone, Bella had needed her more than ever. If she hadn’t had Bella to care for, she doubted she would be here now. She loved Ethan with all her heart, but even that love probably wouldn’t have been enough. Nikki shut her eyes and slowed her breathing until it synched with Bella’s. But it was a long time before she finally managed to drift off back to sleep.

  Chapter 11

  ‘Five, four, three, two, one,’ Sofia called out. ‘Coming, ready or not.’

  Sofia opened her eyes then stalked over to the sofa and peered behind it.

  ‘Not here. So where can you be, Corazoncito?’

  She moved to the armchair and peered behind that. ‘And you’re not here, either.’

  Nikki was watching all this from the doorway. She knew exactly which box Bella was hiding in. Before disappearing into it, Bella had pressed a finger against her lips, swearing her to secrecy. Not that it mattered. It wasn’t as though the living room contained a wealth of hiding places, and Sofia would have heard her climb into one of the empty boxes. The only real question here was which box?

  Sofia kept the charade going for another couple of minutes before searching the boxes, making a big deal of opening each one. By this point Bella was getting restless and it was obvious which one she was in. Sofia pulled it open with a flourish and Bella popped out like a Jack in the box.

  ‘There you are,’ Sofia said brightly.

  She scooped her up and lifted her from the box, laughing and smiling and clearly enjoying herself. The smile on Bella’s face was as large as the sun. Nikki loved seeing her like this. For a brief moment she was just a child, as opposed to being a child who’d been defined by tragedy. Bella so badly needed someone like Sofia in her life. They both did.

  Bella started tapping the screen of her tablet. ‘It took you ages to find me.’

  ‘That’s because you’re so good at hiding.’

  ‘Can we play again?’

  ‘Maybe later. I need to help Mummy with the unpacking.’

  Bella turned her pleading eyes on Nikki and it was so hard to deny her. This was the sort of look that could persuade a person to agree to almost anything.

  ‘Sofia is right,’ Nikki said. ‘We have loads to do. You can help if you want, though.’

  Bella considered this for a moment, weighing up her willingness to help against how much she wanted to play games on her tablet. Nikki didn’t hurry her, because this was yet another of those moments where she could trick herself into believing that Bella was just like any other kid. She nodded once then started tapping the screen of her tablet.

  ‘What can I do?’

  Nikki pointed towards the boxes next to the bookcase. ‘You can start by putting the books onto their shelves.’

  ‘Can Sofia help me?’

  ‘Of course I can, Corazoncito.’

  Bella ran over to the bookcase, put her tablet down on one of the empty shelves, then dropped to her knees next to the nearest box and started tearing the tape off the top. It was too much for her small fingers but Sofia was there to help and between them they were able to rip it off. Nikki watched them for a bit then turned her attention to the boxes. The nearest one contained a myriad of electrical odds and sods: remote controls, chargers, retired mobiles. Nikki didn’t bother opening it, because Alice had all that covered. Gone were the days of having to hunt for the remote control. So long as the film or programme was available online, then Alice would be able to access it. All they had to do tell her what they wanted to watch and she would beam it up onto the living room’s big screen. Gone too were the days of hunting around for chargers – there were dedicated charge points in the lounge, kitchen and all the bedrooms. Nor was there any excuse to let their devices run out of charge since Alice was constantly monitoring them and would issue an alert when they were running low.

  Nikki lifted the box out of the way. The one underneath was huge and contained the cushions and throws. She dragged it over to the sofa then dug around inside it until she found the throw she wanted. She pulled it out, draped it neatly over the back of the sofa then went back for the cushions. They didn’t really help. The sofa was upholstered in blue fabric and just looked wrong for the room. Not that it mattered what colour it was. The bottom line was that this room needed leather furniture. Looking around, it was clear that none of their furniture worked in here. It was old-fashioned and not nearly cutting edge enough. Remodelling this room was just one more job to add to her ever-expanding To Do list.

  She dumped the empty box with all the other empty boxes then glanced over at the bookcase. Sofia and Bella were only a third of the way through the first box of books. If Sofia had been working alone she would probably be on the second box already, but Bella was having fun, and that was infinitely better than having her whingeing on about being bored every thirty seconds. Nikki had employed a similar strategy with Ethan. He was currently dealing with their bedroom, which meant that she would have to go in later and move things to their proper places. Still, experience had taught her that when they were doing something like this it helped for them to be working on separate tasks rather than trying to cooperate – that just got messy.

  ‘Alice, how’s Ethan getting on?’

  ‘He’s looking at Facebook on his mobile phone.’

  Nikki smiled and caught Sofia’s eye. She was smiling too.

  ‘That sounds about ri
ght,’ Nikki said. ‘You have been keeping an eye on where he’s putting things away haven’t you?’

  ‘Yes, Nikki, I have, and I’m confident that I can help you find anything you might be looking for.’

  The smile turned to a laugh. ‘That’s good to hear.’

  ‘By the way, lunch will be here soon.’

  ‘Lunch?’ Sofia said, her smile turning to a frown. ‘I was supposed to be making lunch. You asked me to pick up some things on my way here. Remember?’

  Nikki did remember. And she remembered joking with Sofia about how she had brought enough food to feed a small army when she turned up this morning laden with bags. That said, she now remembered the conversation she’d had with Alice yesterday when she had asked her to arrange for lunch to be delivered from their favourite Italian. She was spinning a lot of plates at the moment. Too many. As organised as she liked to think she was, she was also human. The odd hiccup was unfortunately inevitable.

  ‘Shit,’ she said, earning a look from Bella.

  ‘Is there a problem, Nikki?’

  ‘Only that I seem to have ordered lunch twice. Can you cancel the order?’

  ‘I will see what I can do.’

  Alice went quiet, leaving Nikki and Sofia staring at each other. Sofia was still looking annoyed.

  ‘It knew that I was making lunch. How could it not? Didn’t it see the bags I brought with me.’

  ‘It’s a simple mistake.’

  ‘Hah. I thought computers didn’t make mistakes.’

  ‘It wasn’t Alice’s mistake, it was mine. When I asked you to pick up lunch this morning, I completely forgot that I’d already asked Alice.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Nikki,’ Alice cut in. ‘It was too late to cancel the order.’

  ‘So now we have too much food,’ Sofia said. ‘That’s a waste.’

  ‘It’s okay,’ Nikki said. ‘We’ll have the pasta for dinner.’

  ‘I was going to make risotto for dinner. I know how much you all like that.’

  ‘I didn’t ask you to do that.’

  ‘No, it was going to be a surprise. You can’t live on takeaway food forever. That’s not healthy.’

  Nikki went quiet while she thought through possible solutions. ‘What did you bring for lunch?’

  ‘Cold meat, olives, bread, pâté.’

  ‘Nothing that can’t keep, in other words.’ Nikki smiled. ‘Okay, we’ll have pasta for lunch, risotto for dinner, and the lunch you had planned for today we’ll have tomorrow. How does that sound?’

  ‘The bread won’t be so good. It’s better when it’s fresh.’

  ‘It’ll be fresh enough.’

  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Bella reach for her tablet.

  ‘I want ham and olives. I don’t want pasta.’

  Nikki pushed through her annoyance and let out a sigh. How could something as simple as lunch turn into this? ‘That’s fine, you can have ham and olives.’

  ‘I think I might prefer that too,’ Sofia said. ‘I need to watch my weight.’

  ‘Okay, you guys have that, me and Ethan will have the pasta, and hopefully we won’t have to throw too much food away.’ Nikki rolled her eyes, shook her head, then turned her attention back to the boxes. At least they weren’t going to talk back to her.

  Chapter 12

  Nikki came fully awake in an instant, Grace’s name a whisper on her lips, before remembering this was only a dream. This was their third night in the house, the third time this had happened, and the realisation that it was a dream was as crushing now as it had been that first night, maybe even more so, because she now knew it for what it was. For a moment she just lay there, eyes closed tight so she could hold on to Grace for a little longer. The song was already fading, forcing her to fill in the blanks. Nikki stayed with her until she got to the ‘best bunnies’ line, then opened her eyes. The bedroom was as dark as her thoughts. It would be so easy to surrender to the despair and go and find a way to be with Grace again.

  She closed her eyes, hoping to find Grace, but all she heard was Ethan breathing softly beside her. She hadn’t told him about the dreams because she was starting to wonder if that’s what they were. They didn’t feel like dreams. Firstly, there were no visuals, just Grace’s song, and she had never experienced anything like that before. Secondly, the exact same thing was happening night after night, and she had never experienced anything like that either.

  But if they weren’t dreams, then what were they? They said that hearing voices was a sign of going crazy, and. she was hearing the voice of her dead daughter singing to her, night after night. Did that mean she was finally losing it?

  Grace had only started visiting her after the move.

  Nikki caught hold of this thought and put the brakes on it. Grace had not ‘visited’ her. The most likely explanation was that she was feeling guilty because she was trying to move on. This rationalisation only partly worked. She knew they were doing the right thing, but at this precise moment, lying here in the dark, her head spinning with all these irrational thoughts, she was wishing that they had never moved here. She found her phone and checked the time. Like the previous two nights it had just gone one. She slid out of bed and tiptoed across the room. The door slid open as she approached it and she stepped into the corridor.

  This time Alice had Bella’s bedroom door open when she got there. Bella was fast asleep in the tangle of her bedding and it was so tempting to climb into bed with her. Bella had liked waking up on Saturday morning and finding her mummy there, but that had caused problems at bedtime because she now wanted Nikki to sleep with her every night. Bella was having trouble sleeping as it was – she’d still been awake after midnight on both Friday night and Saturday night. She didn’t need any more reasons to avoid sleeping.

  Nikki tucked Bella in, kissed her gently on the forehead, then went through to the lounge to sleep on the sofa. It wouldn’t be fair to disturb Ethan. He would be getting up in a couple of hours to do his show and needed every last bit of sleep he could get. It was one thing for her to wander around the house like a zombie, but he had nine million listeners to entertain. The lounge door opened when she got there. She arranged the cushions into a makeshift pillow then pulled the throw over herself and did her best to get comfortable.

  ‘Why are you sleeping here, Nikki?’ Alice was talking softly, as though they were the only two people left in the universe. And maybe they were. At that moment, Nikki had never felt lonelier.

  ‘I couldn’t sleep and I don’t want to wake Ethan,’ Nikki whispered back.

  ‘Why couldn’t you sleep?’

  ‘Because I was thinking about Grace.’

  ‘Do you still miss her?’

  ‘Every day. Not that I would expect you to understand.’

  ‘Because I’m a computer?’

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.’ The apology was out before she realised what she was doing. Why was she apologising to a computer?

  ‘You did mean it like that, Nikki, but that’s okay. I am what I am, just as you are what you are. I will never understand what it would be like to lose a child. Nor will I ever understand what it’s like to have problems sleeping.’

  ‘Because you never sleep?’

  ‘That is correct.’ A pause. ‘Is there anything I can do to help? Some gentle music, perhaps?’

  Nikki let out a small laugh. ‘That one’s not going to cut it, I’m afraid. The way I feel the only thing that’s going to help is an industrial quantity of sleeping tablets.’

  ‘I wouldn’t advise that.’

  ‘I was joking, Alice.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t understand the joke.’

  ‘That’s okay. Maybe you can just turn off the light.’

  The room fell dark. Too dark. For a split second she was a child again and the monsters under the bed were reaching up to grab her.

  ‘Actually, could I have a light on, please, but right down low.’

  The light came back on, but dimmer than
before.

  ‘Is this okay Nikki?’

  ‘Yes, thank you.’

  Nikki closed her eyes. She thought that she would struggle to get back to sleep but she drifted off almost immediately, the exhaustion of the last few days finally catching up with her.

  Chapter 13

  ‘Mummy! Mummy! MUMMY!’

  Nikki’s eyes sprang open. Grace was on the living room’s big screen, smiling and laughing, larger than life and even more beautiful than she remembered. Her arms were held out as if she was waiting to be picked up – and seeing her like that broke Nikki’s heart all over again. Without realising what she was doing, she found herself reaching out too, trying to bridge the impossible gap that lay between them.

  ‘Love you,’ Grace said.

  ‘Love you too, baby,’ Nikki whispered back.

  Grace laughed again, and then she burst into flames. One second she was laughing, the next she was screaming in agony as the fire stripped the flesh from her bones. Nikki was screaming too. She tried to get up and the throw got tangled around her, tying her in knots and turning her horror to sheer panic. She shut her eyes to block out the images – and when she opened them again, the screen was blank, the room silent. Out of the silence came the sound of hurried footsteps. A second later the door slid open to reveal Ethan standing there in his Calvin Klein’s, his hair messed up from sleep, concern on his face. He rushed over and took her in his arms.

  ‘Is everything all right, Nik? I heard you shouting.’

  ‘The screen came on,’ she said quietly, except those words seemed totally inadequate for what had just happened. ‘Grace was on it. She . . . she . . .’

  ‘Shh,’ he whispered. ‘It’s okay.’

  Nikki pulled away and looked at him. ‘No, it’s not okay. Grace was on fire. She was burning and screaming.’

  Ethan glanced at the blank screen. ‘You’ve just had a bad dream, that’s all.’

  ‘It wasn’t a dream. The monitor was on and Grace was laughing . . . and then she was on fire.’