Just Joshing: A BBW Romantic Comedy (Short and Sweet Series Book 1)

by Evie Mitchell

Black jeans paired with knee high boots. An emerald green deep-v long-sleeved top that showed more than a little cleavage. She'd pulled her hair back but left it loose.

  "I mean," I coughed, trying to pull my shit together. "Yes."

  Make your move, idiota.

  "Wait- what?" She tilted her head a little. "Yes or no, Josh?"

  I can't. She needs to be wooed. To… fuck.

  "Yes," I stood abruptly, unreasonably agitated. "You look… real nice. Let's go."

  "You're coming?"

  "Sure," I shrugged, reaching for her coat. "Call it research."

  She groaned, slipping her arms in as I held it open for her. I tried not to notice how her hair brushed my fingers or the intoxicating smell of her perfume.

  Jesucristo, you're an idiota. Pull it together man.

  She placed a hand on my chest, halting me. "You can come on one proviso."

  I raised an eyebrow.

  "You do not mention me in this retelling." She quirked a smile. "Particularly if any of this makes it into your script."

  "You got it, Pecas." I lied, knowing this would just be the start.

  Chapter Seven

  Molly

  Josh followed me into the dimly lit bar. I tried not to notice how good his hand felt as it rested on my lower back.

  His lips brushed the shell of my ear, "registration is that way."

  He guided me across the room to a small table tucked against the bar.

  "Hello Speedy Singles!" The preppy young woman beamed at us. "I'm Loretta Nales, your host for tonight. You can call me Lolly." She winked for some unknown reason. "Names?"

  "Oh, he isn't joining." I corrected, "just me."

  The woman eyed Josh, a predatory smile curving her red painted lips. "Do you want to be? We've got a spare spot, last minute drop out."

  Josh glanced at me. I gave him wide eyes, telepathically screaming 'hell no'. He turned back to the woman. "Sounds good, where do I sign up?"

  She handed him a clipboard with another wink. "Fill out the questionnaire and include your banking details on the second page. We're starting in ten minutes so feel free to grab a drink and mingle beforehand."

  She turned away, welcoming her next victims.

  Little Miss Molly wished she'd never met Lolly, as I ordered a whisky dry.

  Josh settled on the chair beside me, murmuring as he scribbled answers.

  "What the fuck kind of question is this?" He muttered, tapping his pen against the line. "Describe your perfect date? Jesucristo, what are you meant to say besides get laid?"

  I snorted, whisky burning my nostrils.

  "What about this one?" He lifted the clipboard, reciting, "if you were trapped on a deserted island what three things would you take?" He looked up at me. "As if you wouldn't take a form of transportation off the damn island."

  I pointed at him, yelling, "exactly! That is exactly what I put."

  He held up a hand, and I high-fived it with a satisfying smack.

  "That's because we're both sensible and made of awesome." He looked back at the clipboard muttering, "¿Quién escribe esta mierda?"

  I raised an eyebrow. "Why do you speak Spanish but Pete doesn't?"

  Josh finished writing and placed the clipboard on the bar, snagging his bottle. He took a long drink, frowning as he considered my question.

  "Did Sam ever tell you about school?"

  I shook my head.

  "Let's just say boarding school with a bunch of white rich kids sucked. Pete's blonde, blue eyed and slightly tan. He passes for a good old white boy any day of the week. Me? Not so much."

  "Were you bullied?"

  He barked out a harsh laugh. "Bullying would be a polite term. Rich white boys, bored and looking for trouble. There were three non-white kids in my class. Another Hispanic, one Black kid, and me." He took a pull of his beer. "They asked me back to talk this year. I looked up their stats. Forty-six percent are students of color." He offered me a wry smile. "Would have been nice to have that kind of inclusion back when I was there."

  I reached out, giving his hand a squeeze. "I'm sorry."

  He shrugged, squeezing back. "Pete watched what happened to me. It's no wonder he downplayed our Latino roots. I would have done the same." He tapped the beer bottle against his head. "But the dark and broody vibe played well with the girls."

  I didn't laugh. "I'm really sorry that happened. I never knew."

  He shrugged again, "don't worry, Pecas. I'm not traumatized by it." His lips quirked, "or at least not much."

  My reply was drowned out by a fog horn. We both cringed, heads whirling to see Lolly, standing on a chair in the middle of the crowded bar.

  "Welcome Speedy Singles!" She yelled, waving her hands. "We're about to get started. Those with green stickers on their name tags will be sitting at the tables, those with orange will be moving about the room." She pointed to tables off to the side. "Tonight is heterosexual focused, but we're equal opportunity lovers here at Speedy Singles. Just be polite, ask if your interest would be willing to chat. Who knows, maybe you'll find the love of your life." She winked for the umpteenth time. "We start in five minutes! If you haven't gotten your name tags come see me, otherwise when I hit the horn again, we'll get started! Have fun speeding!"

  People started clapping.

  I exchanged a wide-eyed look with Josh. "Is this happening?"

  "Oh yeah." He sniggered. "Don't even think about escaping. This is going to be amazing."

  I tilted my head, narrowing my eyes on him. "This is going in the rom-com isn't it?"

  He lifted his beer bottle, grinning at me over the lip. "For sure."

  "Damn."

  We made our way over to Lolly and picked up our name tags. She winked again as we shuffled away. I was starting to suspect she was a serial killer or at the very least some kind of sociopath. They winked a lot, right?

  "Looks like I'm a table holder." I said, tapping my name tag. Josh placed the orange tag over his heart.

  The horn sounded, silencing the gathered group.

  "Green's take your seats, oranges muster over here. Let's get speedy!"

  Josh squeezed my shoulder before heading over to the mustering area. I settled at a table between a woman who looked a little like a librarian and a man with an eyepatch.

  Looks like I'm last in line for the women.

  "Hi, I'm Molly." I leaned across, holding out a hand to the woman. She looked down at my hand, then sniffed, turning back to the room.

  "And I'm your competition."

  I recoiled, hand curling back into my breast. "Oh, umm. Sorry. Good… hunting?"

  She flicked her hair back, ignoring me.

  "Ignore her, she's just salty that she's been attending every night for a year."

  I turned to the guy on my other side. Mr. Eyepatch gave me a friendly smile. "Syd, I'm a veteran just looking to get into dating again." He tapped his eyepatch. "Lost it from a pen, if you can believe it. Two tours and not a scratch. Back in the country for less than three months and a random pen pops up and impales my eye. Makes for a great story though."

  I nodded, unsure how to answer. A man scraped out the chair on the other side of my table.

  The horn sounded just as he sat down. We both winced.

  "You have six minutes Speedy Singles! Begin!" Lolly pressed the horn again.

  "Hey, I'm Jeremy." He held out a hand.

  "Molly," I shook it, offering a small smile.

  We made small talk for several minutes before the conversation ran dry.

  I smiled, feeling awkward. He cleared his throat, looking around at the other tables. I glanced over at Syd's table.

  "Oh, they brought notes. That's cute." I laughed, turning back to Jeremy in time to see him place a clipboard on the table.

  I tilted my head, "did I miss a memo?"

  "No, it's your answers." He ran a finger down the page then stopped, looking up at me. "Says here you're into Dino Erotica. What type of Dino?"

  I blinked. "Excus
e me?"

  "Oh, of course. Sorry." He pulled a piece of paper off the clipboard, handing it over. I took it, too surprised to refuse. The words swam for a moment before I registered what was on it.

  His questionnaire. I had the answers to his questionnaire.

  "Oh my god." I whispered, horrified.

  "So, do you-"

  "Look, Jesse was it?" I interrupted.

  He frowned, tapping his name tag. "Jeremy."

  "Right, Jeremy. Look, that paper isn't me. I was drunk when I filled it out and thought it would be hilarious to send to a friend but accidentally submitted it instead and-" I broke off, swallowing rapidly. "Let's just say that isn't a great indication of what I actually want."

  He tilted his head, squinting a little. "So, you don't like Dino Erotica?"

  A little bubble of hysterical laughter floated up my throat. "No."

  His face fell for a moment.

  Oh my god. Is Dino Erotica a thing? I THOUGHT I'D MADE IT UP! HOW IS IT A THING? IS IT LIKE FURRIES? DO I EVEN WANT TO KNOW?

  "That's really disappointing because-"

  The airhorn blew, followed by Lolly yelling, "Time! Swap around Speedy Singles!"

  Jeremy shuffled across to the front of the line while the guy who'd been speaking to the Elena the librarian sat down at my table, placing a clipboard on the table and handing over his questionnaire.

  "So, you're a fan of llamas?"

  This is going to be a long night.

  Chapter Eight

  Josh

  If nothing else this night had really generated some creative juices. I scribbled another note on the back of one of the questionnaires, grinning to myself as the woman across from me talked about her eight kids.

  "-are you listening?"

  "Yeah, sorry." I put my pen down. "Did you say they go to school?"

  "Oh no, they're all home schooled." She played with the straw in her glass, doing what I assumed was meant to be a seductive move.

  "That must be very busy for you, planning lessons and what not."

  She laughed, tapping my hand. "No, silly. The trainer looks after that."

  "Oh right. Wait. Trainer?"

  She giggled, stirring the straw again. "Of course."

  I frowned, "not a teacher?"

  "Well, I guess you could call it that. She teaches them tricks and what not. But really, she's responsible for making sure-"

  "Hold up," I leaned forward. "Are we talking about human kids or…?"

  She blinked, "well they're my children but no. They're Sphynx cats."

  "You mean like the hairless ones?"

  She nodded, beaming at me. "You'll love them. They are so-"

  The airhorn blew, signaling my next move.

  Thank god.

  Crazy Cat woman winked at me, "make sure you preference me, stud."

  I offered a weak smile, heading to the next table.

  Well that's too weird, even for Hollywood.

  A quick glance told me I had one table to go before I reached the end of this weird night and my actual goal – Molly.

  I settled at the table, offering a hand to the woman across from me.

  "Hi, I'm Josh."

  "Elena," She offered a demur smile. If I had to describe her look to a costume department, I'd say stereotypical librarian – complete with horn-rimmed glasses and a string of pearls.

  She held out a hand, waiting for my questionnaire.

  "Uh, here." I pulled off the print out, handing it over.

  She glanced down, frowning. "It's hand written."

  "Yeah, I was a last-minute edition so I'll need it back as that's my only copy." I flipped to her sheet on the clipboard. "Says here you like football. What type?"

  She placed the sheet on the table, giving me another warm smile, "what kind do you like?"

  "I mean, NFL is fine but if I've got a choice, soccer would be my preferred viewing. The games don't take four hours, you know?"

  She giggled prettily, and I found myself relaxing.

  "You like children?" Elena asked, leaning forward.

  "Of course. Kids are hilarious."

  Her smile froze. "Hilarious?"

  I rested my arms on the table. "Yeah. They're like tiny drunk dictators running around unpoliced. What's not to love about them."

  "Unpoliced?"

  "Well, within reason. I mean you can't force a kid to wear shoes if they don't want to. But you can bribe them." I added a wink.

  Shit, Lolly's winking disease must be catching. Is this the first sign of neurological decay resulting in some kind of serial killer psychology?

  Elena shook her head, giving me a disappointed pout. "Oh, Joshua."

  I winced, suddenly feeling thirteen again.

  "Children require discipline, structure and boundaries. Without those core principles they turn into unruly hooligans."

  Hooligans?

  Elena leaned forward, playing with her pearls. "You want us to have well behaved children, don't you?"

  "I…"

  What the fuck is happening right now? When did I agree to have kids with this woman?

  I cleared my throat. "I mean, sure? If by us you mean society in general, then yeah."

  She reached across the table, laying a hand on my arm, fingers running slowly over my skin.

  "But Joshua, can't you see how beautiful our children would be?"

  The airhorn blew.

  "Gracias a Dios." I muttered, pulling my arm free and practically throwing myself from the chair. "Bye, Elena."

  "Talk soon, Joshua."

  I quick footed it over to Molly, waiting impatiently as the man before me took his time leaving.

  "Just remember, put me first, Doll." He winked at Molly in a way that made me want to slap the smirk off his face. She offered him her generic polite smile – the one she used on donors she hated dealing with. It warmed my heart.

  "Have a great night, Ricky."

  I pulled the chair out, dropping into it with a huff. "This shit is wild, Pecas."

  She blinked at me once. "Have you read my sheet?"

  I tilted my head, narrowing my eyes on her. "Should I?"

  "Please do," the corners of her mouth lifted slightly.

  I pulled off kid crazy librarian's sheet and looked through Molly's comments.

  "You know, I'm not into Dino Erotica but Transformer Porn is pretty addictive."

  Molly sniggered.

  "I wouldn't have picked you for a dominatrix but I like what I see, Mistress Winter. I bet Ricky loved that one."

  Her sniggers turned into giggles.

  "Wait, you too wrote llamas?" I held up a hand for a high-five. "Llama-mia, I think we're soul mates. "

  She slapped palms, now full out laughing.

  I tapped the sheet. "You wrote this as a dummy submit, right?"

  She nodded, still chuckling. "You got a link and I thought I'd send it to Bess. It submitted instead."

  "Ouch," I looked back down at the sheet. "You know, we have a surprising number of similarities."

  "Really?"

  I pulled off mine, handing it over. "Have a look."

  She read my answers, laughing at my nonsense. "You really did put down Llamas."

  I shrugged, grinning at her amusement. "They're adorable and sassy. What's not to like?"

  Kind of like you.

  "Your perfect date is baseball, a movie and lots of food?" She glances up, giving me her famous eyebrow lift. "That's a long date."

  "Baseball to judge smack-talk, movie because I could never date a screen-talker, and food because I want the conversation but also want someone who eats – salad pickers aren't for me."

  Molly grinned, "a screen-talker?"

  "You know, those people who talk in a movie." I clutched at my chest putting on a high-pitched voice, "oh no! Don't go in there! Stop! Stop!"

  She shook her head, handing back my sheet. "We're ill-suited then. I am a total screamer."

  "That's what she said," I winked.

  F
uck. Definitely catching.

  Molly groaned, "Damn, walked right into that."

  "You really did." I leaned forward. "But seriously, I can get over the talking in a movie, I mean I've put up with your brother."

  "Oh god, he really is the worst. The. Worst. At least I only do it occasionally, it's like he's another character."

  "Makes it easy when we need to do director commentary – I just sit him in a room and press record."

  She laughed, head tossing back, hair flying. I watched her breasts bounce, feeling my cock grow.

  Jesuchristo, I'm going to hell.

  I shifted in my chair, watching her smile. It was her ‘joy’ smile, the one she only handed out when actually happy.

  Fuck. I'm a useless sap. Maybe I am romantic crazy?

  "Who's your top pick of the night?"

  Her face fell, lips twisting into a grimace. "You at the moment."

  "And that's a bad thing?" I asked lightly.

  She laughed, but it sounded exasperated. "Do you know how hard it is to find love in New York City?"

  "If this were a movie, that could be your tagline." I lifted my hands, pretending to show the title of the movie. "Molly, in the greatest city in the world, love shouldn't be this hard to find."

  "Ugh, this would be one of those movies where I have to move to the country or something, right?"

  "We've just missed Christmas but you could easily have an Easter miracle."

  "Is that a sub-genre of movies I've somehow missed?"

  "God, I hope so." I sniggered, imaging the movie. "Picture it, New York getting ready for chocolate onslaught. She's a chocolatier. He's…" I frowned, drawing a blank.

  "He's a Canadian baker." Molly offered, leaning forward, her eyes dancing. "They're business rivals – pitted against each other. He's got the hot cross buns, she's got the chocolate eggs."

  "But what's the conflict?" I asked.

  Molly's brow wrinkled as she considered how to torture our characters. "They're competing for something."

  I snapped my fingers, "best Easter window display. The prize from the city is ten thousand – which is just what is needed to pay off her-"

  "His." Molly interrupted.

  "His," I agreed, "debts."

  "Why does she want to win?"

  I glanced about. "Renovations. She wants to expand the distribution of her chocolates. She wants to go international."