Whodunnit Mrs Christie

by Robert Challis

the way to the bank.

  (Greg goes to backstage and pours himself a drink. Then he returns to armchair)

  Thomas: It does seem a little drastic, Sir.

  Sarah: Who are the other guests, Thomas?

  Thomas: There's just you and the Buckleys this weekend, Mrs. Hodges.

  Sarah: That's unusual.

  Greg: Everyone else is sick of her, no doubt. Only those mentioned in her Will bother coming.

  Sarah: That's unfair on your aunt.

  Greg: Is it?

  Thomas: Madam was particularly keen to limit it to family.

  Greg: Really? I wonder why.

  Thomas: She says it's to be her last murder weekend. She can't maintain the pace any more. Doctor's orders.

  Greg: Well, I thought the old stick was indestructible. And who's going to get bumped off this time, Thomas?

  Thomas: I have no idea, Sir.

  Greg: Really, her plots have been getting thinner and thinner. Last time, I had the murder solved in the first half hour. I spent the rest of the weekend holding my tongue so as not to disappoint her.

  Thomas: It's gratifying to see you so concerned for your aunt's feelings.

  Greg: (Stung) Well you have to butter up the old battle-axe. With what she leaves me when she pops off, I'll be set up for life.

  Sarah: Really Greg, this is too much.

  Greg: Is it? I'm sick of hypocrites. I'm honest about what I'm here for. I couldn't say the same for a few others I could mention. (Meaningful look at Thomas)

  Thomas: If that will be all, Sir, perhaps I can take your bags to your room. You're in the usual suite.

  Sarah: Thank you, Thomas.

  Thomas: (On his way out exit left) Oh, I nearly forgot. The welcome for guests is here at three thirty.

  (Thomas exits)

  Greg: (Looking at watch) It's just after three now. Perhaps you'd like to freshen up. Make a good impression on the old bat.

  (Greg stands)

  Sarah: Why do you have to be so painful?

  Greg: Maybe it's the company I'm in.

  Sarah: Should we ask for separate rooms, then?

  Greg: I don't know why you insist on coming with me. A break from my company would do wonders for you.

  Sarah: I'm your wife, for crying out loud.

  Greg: And since you're here, make sure you behave like one. You know my aunt's views on marriage. I won't have you rocking the boat.

  Sarah: (Drily) You'd prefer me to say nothing about the divorce then?

  Greg: Not so loud, Damn you.

  Sarah: Look, Greg, can't we talk about it?

  Greg: Not here. It's the wrong place.

  Sarah: (Stands) Then what's the right place?

  Greg: There's nothing to talk about. We've been through it all, over and over.

  Sarah: That doesn't mean anything's settled. I'm not agreeing to a divorce.

  Greg. (Exasperated) I don't understand you. How can you live with a man who loves someone else?

  Sarah: You're my husband. You can't just throw, away all those years. You used to be so different.

  Greg: The only difference is that now I've seen the light.

  (Pause)

  Sarah: (Calmly) Who is she Greg? How do I know she even really exists?

  Greg: Oh, she exists all right, and when you agree to a divorce, I’ll tell you, and I’ll even give you photographs to take to your lawyer. (Sarah reacts) But until you agree, I’ll tell you nothing. She's the one wild card in my hand, and I won't give that up.

  Sarah: This isn't a game of cards we're playing, or one of your rather contrived mysteries....

  Greg: (Interrupting) Now that's it, the core of our differences. But she's not like you. She supports me. You downgrade me. You'd shackle me to a clerk's job somewhere, and a lifetime of mediocrity.

  Sarah: How easy for her to encourage you. She doesn't have to live with it. Please Greg, I don't want a lifetime of mediocrity, but there's got to be balance, some planning for the future, a family.

  Greg: That's the beginning of the end as far as I'm concerned.

  Sarah: That's not what you used to say.

  Greg: That was before I met....

  Sarah: I won't give you up, Greg. I'm warning you. You're my husband. I'm a desperate woman.

  Greg: If you're threatening me, you're wasting my time. Just by attaching yourself to me like a ball and chain - you're already doing your worst.

  Sarah. (Breaking down) My God, how can you say that? I'm your wife. No one will break us apart. Don't you know I love you? I can't live without you. (She is holding his arm in a pleading posture)

  (Confusion on Greg's face. Janet enters, looks significantly at both of them. Greg turns away from Sarah.)

  Janet: (After a pause) Lady Bayfield should be back in a few minutes - if you want to unpack or anything.

  Greg: You go, Sarah, I couldn't face it.

  Sarah: (As she exits left) The story of your life.

  (Greg and Janet watch her exit, then fall into each other’s arms and embrace passionately.)

  Greg: She's still making difficulties over the divorce.

  Janet: Can't you force her?

  Greg: How? She's the one with grounds for divorce, but she won't agree to it.

  Janet: But you've got to make her.

  Greg: I’ll leave her, just as soon as I can.

  Janet: That's not good enough. She has to divorce you.

  Greg: What does it matter if we have each other?

  (Greg goes to embrace her, but she turns away)

  Janet: But it's different for a woman. If we're not married, how can I be secure?

  Greg: You mean I might leave you in the lurch? Don't even think of it. I love you.

  Janet: I have to. Maybe you said that to her once.

  Greg: (Turning his back and walking away) I'll get a divorce. I will. Somehow I’ll talk her round. I've got to. If only my aunt wasn't complicating things. If she got a sniff of divorce, she'd be liable to cut me out of the Will. How is the old cow? Thomas says her heart's playing up.

  Janet: She saw the doctor the other day. She seems to think her days are numbered. Although you never know whether she's playing it all up for sympathy.

  Greg: Well I wish she'd hurry up.

  Janet: (Pause) She's changed her Will.

  Greg: (Concerned) Oh? How do you know?

  Janet: I witnessed it, since I'm not a beneficiary. Seven years working for her! I think she wanted to rub it in.

  Greg: And what does it say?

  Janet: She's taken a shine to your wife. Says she's the only thing keeping you on the straight and narrow.

  Greg: The straight and narrow? The treadmill.

  Janet: So you're still the main beneficiary, along with her sister, but she's written your wife's name in with yours.

  Greg: What?

  Janet: You heard me. It all goes to you in your joint names.

  Greg: Good God, couldn't you talk her out of it?

  Janet: I've no influence with her at present. Believe me, if I could have, I would.

  Greg: Well can't you work on her? This is the third time she's rewritten the Will this year.

  Janet: And that's not all. Thomas is back in the good books again. She cut him out entirely in the last. Now she's setting a nice little retirement nest egg on him.

  Greg: My God, she just loves dangling us all on a string. Sort of a lottery when you think about it.

  Janet: What do you mean?

  Greg: Bad heart, an old lady - few weeks left, or months at best - hoping the old dear'll kick off when you’re in favour. Maybe you should have put something in her coffee while the old Will was still in force

  Janet: Don't even think like that!

  Greg: I suppose the new Will is official now?

  Janet: Yes. Thomas posted the original to the solicitors Wednesday. What are you getting at?

  Greg: Nothing. Just a thought. An overdose of her heart pills - fatal heart attack, no surprise, completely undetectable. But we've
missed our chance now.

  Janet: That's murder you're talking about. You shouldn't let anyone hear you talking that way.

  Greg: I'm always talking that way. Remember, it's my trade, writing murder plots. Why so squeamish suddenly? You usually like to play 'what ifs'.

  Janet: Just a feeling. It's too near the truth.

  Greg: Well I see no harm in it. It's had me intrigued recently - the problem of poisoning. How do you poison someone without it being detected. Simple - an overdose of a drug the victim is already taking. Don't believe the forensics - their science is too imprecise to detect the difference between a fatal and a normal dose. All they can tell is if the drug is there in the first place.

  Janet: Well I think it's horrible.

  Greg: Tell you what, though. I'd keep an eye on Thomas, or the Buckleys for that matter.

  Janet: What do you mean?

  Greg: Come on, you're not concentrating. If you were setting up a murder mystery, who has the best motive for bumping off the old bird?

  Janet: You tell me.

  Greg: Whoever's favoured by the latest Will. This week, Thomas and the Buckleys are in favour. I'm out. So are you. They're favoured by the Will. There's a lot of money involved you know. Maybe next week they'll be out of favour. She's going to die soon anyway - she's a sick old lady. So what about a little help along the way? A month or two difference either way isn't going to worry anyone over much. When you think about it, you'd hardly even call it murder, just a kind of assisted euthanasia.

  Janet: Sometimes I think you're a madman.

  Greg: Now you're sounding like my wife.

  Janet: That's hitting low.

  Greg: (Pause) I wouldn’t call it madness, just a little creative thinking. There's more than one way to murder someone.

  (He sneaks up behind Janet, closes his hands-round her neck. She reacts with pleasure. The Buckleys enter left from upstairs. Janet and Greg quickly separate.)

  Ted: Not interrupting anything are we?

  Greg: Hello Aunt Agnes. (Going to shake hands with him) Ted, how are you?

  Ted: Well.

  Greg: Just on my way up to my room. Have to be