Whodunnit Mrs Christie

by Robert Challis

back here by half past apparently. Only gives me a minute or so. See you shortly.

  (Greg exits left)

  Ted: In a hit of a hurry, eh! Well what's the old duck got lined up for us? Bit of a surprise, I hear.

  Janet: Apparently. I'm in the dark myself. Excuse me. I have some things I have to do.

  (Exits right)

  Ted: Well everyone's in a roaring hurry.

  (Agnes goes to sideboard at the back and pours herself a drink. She brings the glass and the bottle to centre stage and puts the bottle on the table.)

  Ted: Steady on Agnes, we've only just got here.

  Agnes: Will you have one?

  Ted: Should wait till we're asked, don't you think? (As she empties her glass) Now come on, take it easy.

  Agnes: Afraid I’ll show you up?

  Ted: Yes, to be frank. We have to make a good impression on her.

  Agnes. Afraid she'll cut us from her Will?

  Ted: If she hasn't already.

  Agnes: Drunk or sober, I'm still her sister.

  Ted: Yes, but drunk you start shooting your mouth off.

  Agnes: Anyway, I'm not particularly interested in her money.

  Ted: Well I am.

  Agnes: I thought you liked her.

  Ted: But I do, in my way. But you know, its funny how when there's money involved, it cuts in on everything. Nothing is clean anymore. Friendship, family, they all take second place.

  Agnes: Well you should know.

  Ted: Just exactly what do you mean?

  Agnes: Do I have to spell it out? The reason for your early retirement from the police force. My weakness for this? (She pours herself another drink)

  Ted: Don't blame that on me.

  Agnes: Why not? Everything else went sour when they drummed you out of your job.

  Ted: Don't harp on about it. Do you want to ruin me here too? I wasn't drummed out anyway - I agreed to retire. No blot. No stain.

  Agnes: That's not the way it felt at the time.

  Ted: Your memory is too long.

  Agnes: Too long! How long since the decisive moment in your life? Two lives. One before and one after. Shunned by all our friends. Gossiped about. Stared at. Do you wonder that I took to the bottle?

  Ted: It was just a little sideline. A Hobby.

  Agnes: Do you call forgery a hobby?

  Ted: Exposing fraud was my speciality. It fascinated me. I had to try my own hand at it. Quite lucrative it was too.

  Agnes: Until they caught up with you.

  Ted: (Excited by the Idea) That's true. But even there I felt a fascination to observe myself being cornered and trapped just as I'd homed in on embezzlers and swindlers before.

  Agnes: A lifetime of crime. Sometimes I think it makes no difference which side of the law you're on. It's all the same profession.

  Ted: There's some truth in that although to be honest, I never really saw those types as criminals. Not in the same way as murderers and house breakers. To me, they were really shrewd operators, seeing an opportunity and exploiting it.

  Agnes: At the expense of some innocent.

  Ted: Gullible people deserve to be taken.

  Agnes: It's easy to see you've repented.

  Ted: My only regret is I got caught, and it cost me my pension. Which is why we've got to butter up the old lady.

  Agnes: My sister.

  Ted: Sister or no sister, there's a lot of money at stake, enough to set us up for the rest of our lives.

  Agnes: I've told you I'm not interested in her money.

  Ted: But you'll take it when it's willed to you. (Pause) I must say I'm tempted to try my hand at a little Will writing myself.

  Agnes: You can't be serious.

  Ted: Keep my hand in you know.

  (Door bell rings. Agnes drinks the rest of her glass and takes it to the sideboard. She gives it a quick wipe with her clothes before replacing it on the sideboard. Thomas enters from the right as she is doing this. He glances at her, then exits left to front door.)

  Ted: (As Thomas crosses) Best behaviour Agnes, remember.

  (Agnes goes to settee and sits. Thomas leads in Lady B. and Agatha.).

  Lady B: I can't tell you how glad I was when you said you'd come and address our little group of murder enthusiasts. But this weekend is going to be our last meeting, so I've restricted it to the inner circle -my own family, to be precise - the only relations I have who've remained faithful to me. Thomas, will you tell everyone that our guest is here?

  (Thomas exits left, collecting on his way Agnes' empty glass from the sideboard)

  Living alone in a big house like this, with only Janet and Thomas - he's such a comfort to me. He's the salt of the earth. We've had our little differences, but I couldn't get by without him. This is my sister Agnes, and her husband, Ted Buckley. I won't introduce you properly until the others are here. I don't want to spoil the surprise. Have you recognised my guest, Ted? (Lady B. sits next to Agnes)

  Ted: No I haven't.

  Lady B: Agnes doesn't share our enthusiasm for murder, so she comes here on sufferance. But Ted used to be a detective.

  Agatha: Oh really? Where was that?

  Ted: In London, although murder wasn't my line. Fraud squad you know. Fraud was my passion. But I enjoy these little murder weekends - a chance to hone up the deductive skills now I'm retired. Got to keep the old grey matter active.

  (Janet enters from right with a jug of water which she puts on the sideboard).

  Janet: Thomas told me you were back. (Turning to Agatha) How do you do? (Shakes her hand)

  Agatha: How do you do? You must be Janet. Lady Bayfield was just telling me what a comfort you are to her.

  Lady B: Not her, Thomas!

  (Janet gives her an icy look. Greg and Sarah enter from left with Thomas)

  Lady B: Ah, and now we're all here - the old faithfuls. They're all I've got, so they're especially important for an old lady on her last legs.

  Ted: Oh come on, you've years in you yet.

  Lady B: (To Agatha) This is my nephew, Greg Hodges, and his wife, Sarah. Greg is a writer of crime mysteries. You see, it runs in the family. Unpublished, so far, unfortunately. Publishers can be so myopic.

  Agatha: It's very hard for new writers to break in.

  Lady B: Now you're anticipating. Before you give the game away, I'll introduce our guest. She can't stay the whole weekend, so make the most of her. Her face might not be recognisable to people generally, but believe me, her name and work is a household word.

  Agnes: Oh get on with it Thelma.

  Ted: Now Agnes, don't spoil the surprise.

  Lady B: Without further ado, let me introduce you to Agatha Christie.

  (Stir amongst guests)

  Agatha: Lady Bayfield has told me all about you, so I feel I know you already. I shall enjoy exchanging ideas with you on our common hobby.

  Lady B: Now we’ve got a real expert here, we can find out the answers to some of the problems that have been worrying us.

  Agatha: Now, now, I'm not a real expert. I'm a writer of fiction. That's very different. If you want expert advice, you should ask Mr. Buckley here.

  Ted: You're too kind.

  Lady B: All the same, I'll get the ball rolling. Which in more important, observation or motive in solving murders?

  (Thomas begins pouring drinks at the sideboard)

  Agatha: Perhaps you need both. What do you think, Mr. Buckley?

  Ted: Oh I agree. But sometimes you can have a crime committed, just for the pure joy of bamboozling everyone.

  Greg: In which case, that becomes the motive. For me, motive is everything. It's the psychology of murder that fascinates me. Human nature, jealousy, rage, all of those things.

  Agatha: I agree with you entirely. But it's the clues that make the game interesting, don't you think?

  Greg: Of course it is. And that's where observation comes into it. Now I've been noticing Thomas busy pouring drinks. Watch closely. I've a hunch that this is where our weekend starts.<
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  Lady B: (Peeved) No risk with mine. It's only water. Could I have it, Thomas? (Thomas brings a glass of water over to her) Now Janet, I think it's time for my little tablet. The ticker has been having quite a workout.

  (Janet takes a tablet out of a full bottle in her pocket and breaks it in two)

  Janet: Here you are. Just half for now.

  Thomas: (returning to sideboard) Lady Bayfield, I'm puzzling over something about those pills.

  Lady B: (Taking the pill and drinking) Oh?

  Thomas: Last night there was a bottle of your heart pills by your bedside, and I'm sure there were a few left. But when I was in there this afternoon, it wasn't there. And now Janet produces a full bottle. It bothered me because I was trying to find your bottle of pills.

  Lady B: Oh rubbish. It was empty, so I threw it away and sent Janet up to the doctor's for a new prescription this morning. Didn't I?

  Janet: Yes. So what?

  Greg: (Going up to lady B) Ah, I sense a crime in the making here. But let's just shake things up a bit. Could the water be drugged? (He takes the class from Lady B and drinks)

  Lady B.: I suppose you think you're clever.

  Greg: (smugly) Now if you drop dead and I don't, that rules out the water. But let's be thorough. What about that suspicious pill bottle. Janet, let me have the other half.

  Janet: Don't be a fool.

  (Greg seizes her hand and opens it. He takes the half pill and puts it on his tongue. He takes another sip of water and makes a show of swallowing it.)

  Lady B: It won't do your heart any good. It perks up a flagging heart. I don't know what it does to a healthy one. Really Greg, you're such a show off. We have Agatha Christie here as a guest, so you couldn't resist trying to impress her. You thought you could mess up the little mystery I've got planned. All you've done is make a complete fool of yourself. You're looking in quite the wrong direction. So there. Now Thomas, I'm really beginning to feel a little tired. It must be