Whodunnit Mrs Christie

by Robert Challis

the drive to the station and back. A little siesta is what I need. It all makes me so weary. I'd like to lie down and go to sleep, and never wake up. It's the old ticker, you know - it makes life such a burden. (Pause) What do you think of voluntary euthanasia, Agatha?

  Agatha: Well I don't know, but it would have to be voluntary.

  Lady B: Of course it would have to be voluntary. As I always say, where there's a will there's a way. Now take me up to my room, Thomas. (She exits left with Thomas)

  Greg: Where there's a will there's a way. I think I smell a rat. I'd lay odds on her being this weekend's murder. (Yawning) I'm a bit tired myself. I could use a siesta too, if you'll excuse me. (As he exits) Maybe there was something in that water after all. (Exits left)

  Ted: I think he might be on to something. Mrs. Christie, this is usually when the game starts. One person drops dead. Someone else has been primed up and all that - and it's our job for the rest of the weekend to catch him out.

  Janet: And hope he doesn't strike again.

  Agatha: If a second person dies, it doesn't leave too many suspects.

  Janet: Usually we have a bigger crowd. This time she's cut it right down to family and staff.

  Agnes: All beneficiaries of a Will.

  Agatha: Ah, I see. The plot thickens.

  Agnes: No, I mean a real Will.

  Sarah: If you'll excuse me, I'm really finding the atmosphere rather stifling. I think I’ll take a walk before dinner. (Exits left)

  Agatha: Another possible victim?

  Janet: Unlikely. She keeps aloof from these games as much as she can.

  Ted: Despite that, Lady Bayfield seems to have a lot of time for her. I'd like to know her secret.

  Janet: Perhaps because she doesn't crawl to her.

  Ted: If she appreciates bluntness, I don't know why she can't stand you.

  Janet: Neither do I.

  Ted: Perhaps she's a good judge of character.

  Agatha: (Intervening) Well what happens now?

  Agnes: (Going to sideboard for a drink) We wait for a murder. Greg, Thomas and Thelma are out of the room, so it's probably one of them. She likes to have the victim discovered.

  Agatha: You seem to know the drill rather well.

  Ted: Her plots have been getting a little tired recently. Greg was right, Lady Bayfield is the likely victim - she usually is. But I hope he's wrong - make it more interesting.

  Agatha: And how do we know when it's happened?

  Agnes: Well last time we were having pre-dinner drinks when Thomas entered in a state of distress and announced that he'd found the Mistress dead in her room.

  Agatha: Not wanting to be macabre, but how do you know he's not telling the truth?

  Janet: In real life, he never calls her the Mistress, and he shamelessly overacts. It's usually Thomas who discovers the body.

  (Thomas bursts in left, shamelessly overacting)

  Thomas: Oh my God, Oh my God, the Mistress, she's karked it. I'd just got her up to her room. I'd helped her onto bed. She asked me to get her a glass of water - her throat was parched she said. There was a glass of water at her bedside. I gave it to her. She took a sip, suddenly clutched her throat, and karked it in front of me. Oh, it's horrible, horrible, horrible.

  (Ted, Agnes and Janet burst into applause)

  Ted: Well done Thomas, you've excelled yourself.

  Agnes: It's such a shock, it calls for a drink. (She goes to sideboard for a refill)

  Ted: Well, this looks like an easy one. Rule out Sarah, then the only people out of the room when it happened were Thomas and Greg. It's got to be one of them.

  Janet: Not so fast. The water on the bedside was already there. Any one of us could have done that.

  Agatha: Except for me.

  Ted: Well where does that leave us?

  Agnes: Nowhere.

  Ted: Well hang on, let's bring in some of the old detective skills.

  Agnes: Murder wasn't your line. Forgery....

  Ted: (Interrupting) Let's be systematic. What's the first thing we look for?

  Agnes: Clues.

  Ted: (Glares at Agnes) Motive. Let's look at motive.

  Janet: There's the new will.

  Ted: (Suddenly alert) Is this real, or part of the game?

  Janet: (Casually) What difference does it make? You know how she mixes the two.

  Ted: (More urgently) But has she really made a new Will?

  Janet: Yes.

  Ted: And?

  Janet: And what?

  Ted: Well what does it say?

  Janet: You'll find out soon enough.

  Ted: You know?

  Janet: Yes I know, but it's confidential.

  Ted: There's no harm in telling me.

  Janet: No reason to either.

  Ted: There's more than one way to find out.

  Agnes: What's that? You shouldn't be asking about it. It isn't decent.

  Ted: You're a fine one to talk about decency.

  Agnes: What's that supposed to mean?

  Ted: (Going to her) I think you've had too much of that.

  Agnes: On the contrary. Listening to you, I don’t think I've had enough. (She takes another sip from her glass)

  Ted: I said, too much. (Clumsily taking it away from her and spilling it on himself) Damn, look what you've done. Now I'll have to change. (To the others) Excuse me. (Exits left, hurriedly)

  Agnes: (Upset) I'm sorry. (Rushes out, left)

  Thomas: (To Agatha) You'll have to excuse them, Madam.

  Janet: You never know on these weekends whether little tantrums are real or staged.

  Thomas: That was real. At least on her part I think it was. It's quite distressing.

  Agatha: What do you mean?

  Thomas: These weekends. It's all gone on too long. The same people. The same plots. We're getting bored, waiting for something, no longer surprised by anything.

  Agatha: This In her last, she said.

  Thomas: She's always saying that.

  Agatha: Maybe you all need to give it a break for a while.

  Thomas: It's more than that. Her guests come along, they flatter her, butter her up, then behind her back they're cynical and rude. But now the boredom sets in. We've nothing left but our real feelings, and these are starting to come out all the time. Then there's this Will, making it all much worse. She should keep it to herself, instead of all these public changes.

  Agatha: Well why is she doing it?

  Thomas: It's part of her game. It creeps into all her plots. It's like she's constantly asking, who loves me the most?

  Agatha: She's a sick old lady.

  Thomas: Which really sharpens the edge. She won't live long. Her doctor told her that, and she's made sure we all know. She's testing us, probing, pushing, looking for our breaking paint. Well it's there. Everyone has a breaking point. Nerves are raw. I have a feeling something is about to happen.

  Agatha: (To Janet) Do you know what he means?

  Janet: Not really. I think everyone's just a bit impatient for her to die, that's all.

  Agatha: That's all! Perhaps I've written too many mysteries - I'm too attuned to atmosphere. I was invited here not knowing any of you, and it all seemed a nice bit of fun. An innocent game of murder, I thought. But all this playing with people's feelings and greed, I don't like it.

  Thomas: I'm very sorry, Madam.

  Agatha: However, I can only make the best of it. Lady Bayfield promised to show me her rather splendid house, and I was particularly interested to see her library.

  Thomas: A superb crime collection, fact and fiction.

  Agatha: However, as she now appears to be... indisposed...

  Thomas: That's all right, Mrs. Christie. Lady Bayfield expressly advised me that - er - if anything should happen to her, I was to conduct you on a grand tour. I would be pleased to show you now.

  Agatha: Would there be any objection to me poking around on my own? I love to explore old places like this. Then an opportunity to spend some time on my own
with famous crime writers in her library - that's my idea of a good time.

  Thomas: Certainly Madam. If you head up that corridor (pointing to exit left) you pass a kitchen entrance on the left opposite the stairs. After that is the door to the library on the right.

  Agatha: Yes, yes, I’ll find my way. (goes over to exit left, then stops) How was lady Bayfield when you left her? I mean, with her heart.

  Janet: You mean apart from being dead?

  Thomas: Fine, but rather tired.

  Agatha: Hmm. Perhaps I’ll drop in on her. Well, if you'll excuse me. (Exits left)

  Thomas: What do you suppose she was getting at?

  Janet: Like she said, she's written too many murder stories. She wants to check that the old lady isn't really dead.

  Thomas: Wash your mouth out. People have been getting too fond of that kind of joke lately.

  Janet: You're both too jumpy.

  Thomas: (Pause) What was the letter Lady Bayfield gave you yesterday?

  Janet: (Startled) What?

  Thomas: The letter.

  Janet. What do you mean?

  Thomas: You were in the hallway outside Madam's room. I happened to be in the next bedroom, arranging it for the Hodges.

  Janet: (Turning away) It was nothing.

  Thomas: How do you know? She said not to open it until Sunday evening.

  Janet: You have good ears for an old man. Well I opened it.

  Thomas: But that was against her direct orders.

  Janet: So? I gave up listening to her months ago.

  Thomas: Well what did it say?

  Janet: What's it to you?

  Thomas: I went to understand her state of mind.

  Janet: I never felt there was much to understand.

  Thomas: That's where you're wrong. What was in the letter?

  Janet: It's none of your business.

  Thomas: Are you sure? Are you hiding something?

  Janet: All right. It was a letter of dismissal. I've been sacked.

  Thomas: Sacked! What reason did she give?

  Janet: She said we were incompatible. I'm inclined to agree with her.

  Thomas: You're not upset then?

  Janet: Quite the opposite.