Whodunnit Mrs Christie

by Robert Challis

I've been contemplating resigning for some time now. (After thought) There was fifty pounds severance. If I'd resigned, there wouldn't be a penny, and I'd have no hope of a reference. Actually, I thought it was quite sporting of her after all our arguments.

  Thomas: I'm glad to see you take it that way. But why did she tell you not to open it until Sunday?

  Janet: (Pausing to think) She thought it might spoil the weekend. You know, if I was disgruntled.

  Thomas: I couldn't hear much that she was saying, but I distinctly caught the words, 'Trip to Paris'. Was she talking about herself or you?

  Janet: (over hastily) Oh that. She was talking about herself and her health. She thought a trip to Paris might brighten her up.

  Thomas: Funny she didn't say anything to me. But this sacking business. How does it all leave you with your boyfriend?

  Janet: (Startled) What?

  Thomas: Come on. I know I'm old, but do you think I'm blind?

  Janet: What's he got to do with it?

  Thomas: You said you'd thought of resigning. Why didn't you before?

  Janet: You seem to know all the answers. You tell me.

  Thomas: No more of these weekends. Mrs. Hodges doesn't always accompany her husband.

  Janet: I think you're too clever by half. You want to be careful.

  Thomas: Is that some kind of threat?

  Janet: It's whatever you want it to be.

  (Ted enters quickly from left)

  Ted: Oh pardon me. I wasn't expecting you.

  Janet: Oh?

  Thomas: I think we have some work to do, setting up for dinner.

  Janet: I'm not the maid.

  Thomas: Two days: Just bend a little.

  (Thomas goes out to kitchen, right. Janet shrugs and follows.Ted takes Will out of his jacket and sits on settee. He reads Will somewhat frantically, then takes it to the bookcase, and puts it in a large book. He looks at the book title)

  Ted: The Fatal Alibi. Most appropriate.

  (He puts the book back in the bookcase. Agnes enters from left in a frantic state.)

  Agnes: What have you done with it?

  Ted: With what?

  (She looks at him, goes to sideboard and pours a drink which she downs in one to steady herself.)

  Agnes: The Will, Ted. I know.

  Ted: What Will? What do you know?

  Agnes: Everything. For Godsake, you've got to put it back.

  Ted: Calm yourself. Just keep calm.

  Agnes: I've seen it.

  Ted: What?

  Agnes: The Will - the forgery you left on her desk.

  Ted: You fool. You'll spoil everything.

  Agnes: I don't care. I've got to call a halt to it. (Agnes pours herself another drink)

  Ted: Steady on. You've drunk too much.

  Agnes: I could drink a whole bottle and be steady as a rock, the way I feel now. My blood's running cold.

  (Bell call rings)

  Agnes: My God, what was that?

  Ted: It's the bell call for Thomas, that's all.

  Agnes. Where from?

  Ted: Lady Bayfield's room of course. Where else?

  Agnes: How can you be so calm?

  Ted: It's never taken you like this before.

  Agnes: I know everything, Ted, God knows, I wish I didn't. I know everything.

  (She goes to sideboard to pour another glass. Ted intercepts her. They wrestle over the bottle. Ted strikes her across the face. She goes to an armchair and collapses. He stands and watches in bewilderment. Then he turns and pours himself a drink which he downs in one. Agatha enters from left.)

  Ted: Pull yourself together woman.

  (Agnes recovers herself with an effort. As Agatha enters, Agatha is much more intense than before.)

  Agatha: Where is everybody?

  Ted: I don't know.

  Agatha: Where have you two been?

  Agnes: Nowhere. We've been together.

  (Ted stares at Agnes)

  Agatha: Here?

  Agnes: Yes, then we were in our room together. We came down here for some company.

  (Ted shrugs, then goes and gets another drink)

  Ted: A drink Mrs. Christie?

  Agatha: No thank you.

  (Sarah enters from left)

  Sarah: It's like a ghost house at the moment. Where is everybody? Do you know when dinner is?

  Ted: No idea. Not the usual organisation about the place.

  Agatha: Where's your husband?

  Sarah: Still sleeping - ever so soundly... like a baby, blanket pulled up to his chin, so peaceful.

  Agatha: Your door was shut when I passed. So you were with him?

  Sarah: Of course. Have you seen Thomas?

  Agatha: Just a moment ago. He'll be here presently. Sarah, will you do me a favour? Could you ask Janet to come here - I think she's in the kitchen - and then return with her. I have something important to tell everyone.

  Sarah: Certainly. (Exits right)

  Ted: Well, this is intriguing. Have you solved the murder already?

  Agatha: I'm afraid it's no longer as simple as that.

  Agnes: Oh my God.

  Ted: But what about Greg? Hadn't he better be called?

  Agatha: Let him sleep a little longer.

  Ted: Very well.

  Agatha: I went up to see Lady Bayfield a short while ago.

  Ted: Oh yes?

  Agatha: (To Agnes) You'd - just been in to see her, hadn't you?

  Agnes: I was only in there a moment.

  Agatha: Yes, I saw you leaving. Perhaps you heard me coming. I was wondering why you went to see her.

  Agnes: I... I was checking for clues.

  Agatha: Oh, and how was the old lady?

  Agnes: I didn't check. She was asleep. I didn't want to disturb her.

  Agatha: Did you notice something burning in the fireplace?

  Agnes: (Faltering) In the fireplace...

  Ted: What?

  Agatha: I'm surprised you didn't. It was a document. I just managed to save enough to identify what it was.

  Ted: (To Agnes) You damn fool.

  (Enter Janet and Sarah from kitchen, right)

  Agatha: Ah, perhaps you'd all better sit down and make yourselves comfortable. I have something to tell you. You know, this preoccupation I have with imaginary mystery stories - of course I share it with lady Bayfield and those of you who like to play her game - this preoccupation is a strange thing. Sometimes it becomes hard to separate the imaginary from the real. Sometimes I get hunches - intuition you might call it - an overdeveloped imagination perhaps. But I checked out a hunch, and I've already started on the trail of trying to separate fact from fantasy. I went to Lady Bayfield's room. And I believe that corridor has been a busy thoroughfare this afternoon. I made a discovery.

  (Knock at the door. Janet exits left to answer front door)

  Agatha: Ah, I was expecting that. For some of you, another blending of fact and fantasy.

  (Janet and Inspector Rayner enter, left)

  Agatha: Allow me to introduce you to Inspector Rayner of the Oxford C.I.D.

  Rayner: Ah, Mrs. Christie. I came as quickly as I could after I got your call.

  Agatha: Yes, I phoned from the extension in Lady Bayfield's room. There should also be a doctor on the way, although I think the situation is now beyond any doctor. Inspector Rayner happens to be a personal friend of mine, as well as a highly respected detective, specializing in cases of violent death. (Agnes reacts)

  Rayner: I'm also known by another of your number. Ted, how are you.

  Ted. Oh God.

  Rayner: Now, where's the body?

  Agatha: Please, inspector, a little more tactful. This fact is not yet known to everyone here.

  Ted: What the Hell's going on?

  Sarah: My God, where's Greg?

  Agatha: I am sorry to tell you that Lady Bayfield is dead in her room, and at least one person in this house is guilty of foul play.

  (Greg bursts in from left, dishevelled, horror on
his face.)

  Greg: She's dead, I've seen her. She's really dead.

  CURTAIN

  ACT II

  (The next morning. Settee has been moved closer to right side of stage. Table and chairs have been moved more centrally. Small coffee table is now upstage of fireplace, left, and there is a pillow on it. As curtain opens, Janet is setting up the table with water jug and glasses. Greg enters from left, goes to Janet and kisses her. She does not respond.)

  Janet: Did you sleep peacefully?

  Greg: No, as a matter of fact. It doesn't help when every object in your room is labelled and numbered as an exhibit, and with police in the corridor all night.

  Janet: A thorough search?

  Greg: Wasn't yours?

  Janet: They turned my room upside down. Went through all my personal things.

  Greg: What were they looking for?

  Janet: God knows. Did they find anything in your room?

  Greg: No.

  Janet: Are you sure?

  Greg: No, I'm not sure. But I had nothing to hide, if that's what you're implying.

  Janet: Why did you put on that performance, drinking lady Bayfield's water, and then grabbing the tablet off me?

  Greg: I've had enough of her stupid plots. I wanted to stir things up. Throw a spanner in the works.

  Janet: Well you've certainly succeeded there. You know you're number one suspect now?

  Greg: What?

  Janet: Sometimes I doubt your intelligence. All that time upstairs on your own, pretending to be asleep.

  Greg: Is that what they're saying?

  Janet: Well weren't you?

  Greg: Yes I was pretending to be asleep. I was looking for clues.

  Janet: (Incredulous) Clues?

  Greg: I wanted to be the one to solve the mystery.

  Janet: Beat the great Agatha Christie to the solution - big note yourself, is that it? Instead, you've blundered yourself into the middle of a real murder. And then there was your melodramatic entrance with tidings of her death.

  Greg: I'd discovered a dead body - how do you expect me to react?

  Janet: You write about them all the time.

  Greg: It's the first time I've seen one. I thought she was asleep at first. Then I saw her eyes were open. Oh my God!

  Janet: Pull yourself together. You're going to need all your presence of mind.

  Greg: You don't think I