The Mirror of Kong Ho

by Ernest Bramah

  LETTER IX

  Concerning the proverb of the highly-accomplished horse. The various perils to be encountered in the Beneath Parts. The inexplicable journey performed by this one, and concerning the obscurity of the witchcraft employed.

  VENERATED SIRE,--Among these islanders there is a proverb, "Do not placethe carte" (or card, the two words having an identical purport, andboth signifying the inscribed tablet of viands prepared for a banquet,)"before the horse." Doubtless the saying first arose as a timely rebuketo a certain barbarian emperor who announced his contempt for theintelligence of his subjects by conferring high mandarin rank upon afavourite steed and ceremoniously appointing it to be his chancellor;but from the narrower moral that an unreasoning animal is out of place,and even unseemly, in the entertaining hall or council chamber, theexpression has in the course of time taken a wider application and isnow freely used as an insidious thrust at one who may be suspected ofcontrariness of character, of confusing issues, or of acting in a vainor illogical manner. I had already preserved the saying among otherinstances of foreign thought and expression which I am collecting foryour dignified amusement, as it is very characteristic of the wisdom andhumour of these Outer Lands. The imagination is essentially barbaric. Ahorse--doubtless well-groomed, richly-caparisoned, and as intellectualas the circumstances will permit, but inevitably an animal of degradedattributes and untraceable ancestry--a horse reclining before a lavishlyset-out table and considering well of what dish it shall next partake!Could anything, it appears, be more diverting! Truly to our more refinedoutlook the analogy is lacking both in delicacy of wit and in exactitudeof balance, but to the grosser barbarian conception of what isgravity-removing it is irresistible.

  I am, however, reminded of the saying by perceiving that I was on thepoint of recording certain details of recent occurrence without firstunrolling to your mind the incidents from which it has arisen that theperson who is now communicating with you is no longer reposing in theCapital, but spending a period profitably in observing the habits ofthose who dwell in the more secluded recesses on the outskirts of theIsland. This reversal of the proper sequence of affairs would doubtlessstrike those around as an instance of setting the banquet before thehorse. Without delay, then, to pursue the allusion to its appropriateend, I will return, as it may be said, to my nosebag.

  At various points about the streets of the Capital there are certaincaverns artificially let into the bowels of the earth, to which anyperson may betake himself upon purchasing a printed sign which he mustdisplay to the guardian of the gate. Once within the underneathmostparts he is free to be carried from place to place by means of thetrains of carriages which I have already described to you, until hewould return to the outer surface, when he must again display histalisman before he is permitted to pass forth. Nor is this an emptyform, for upon an occasion this person himself witnessed a very bittercontention between a keeper of the barrier and one whose token hadthrough some cause lost its potency.

  In the company of the experienced I had previously gone through thetrial without mischance, so that recently when I expressed a wish tovisit a certain Palace, and was informed that the most convenient mannerwould be to descend into the nearest cavern, I had no reasonable devicefor avoiding the encounter. Nevertheless, enlightened sire, I willnot attempt to conceal from your omniscience that I was by no meansimpetuous towards the adventure. Owing to the pugnacious and unworthysuspicions of those who direct their destinies, I have not yet beenable to penetrate the exact connection between the movements of thesehot-smoke chariots and the Unseen Forces. To a person whose chief objectin life is to avoid giving offence to any of the innumerable demonswhich are ever on the watch to revenge themselves upon our slightestindiscretion, this uncertainty opens an unending vista of intolerablepossibilities. As if to emphasise the perils of this overhanging doubtthe surroundings are ingeniously arranged so as to represent as nearlyas practicable the terrors of the Beneath World. Both by day and night afunereal gloom envelops the caverns, the pathways and resting-places aremeagre and so constructed as to be devoid of attraction or repose, andby a skilful contrivance the natural atmosphere is secretly withdrawnand a very acrimonious sulphurous haze driven in to replace it.In sudden and unforeseen places eyes of fire open and close withdisconcerting rapidity, and even change colour in vindictivesignificance; wooden hands are outstretched as in unrelenting rigidityagainst supplication, or, divining the unexpressed thoughts, inexorablypoint, as one gazes, still deeper into the recesses of the earth; whilethe air is never free from the sounds of groans, shrieks, the rattlingof chains, dull, hopeless noises beneath one's feet or overhead, and thehoarse wordless cries of despair with which the attending slaves of thecaverns greet the distant clamour of every approaching fire-chariot.Admittedly the intention of the device is benevolently conceived, andit is strenuously asserted that many persons of corrupt habits andill-balanced lives, upon waking unexpectedly while passing throughthese Beneath Parts, have abandoned the remainder of their journey, and,escaping hastily to the outer air, have from that time onwards led apure and consistent existence; but, on the other foot, those who arecompelled to use the caverns daily, freely confess that the surroundingsto not in any material degree purify their lives of tranquillise thenature of their inner thoughts.

  In this emergency I did not neglect to write out a diversity of charmsagainst every possible variety of evil influence, and concealing themlavishly about my head and body, I presented myself with the outerconfidence of a person who is inured to the exploit. Doubtless therebybeing mistaken for one of themselves in the obscurity, I received theinscribed safeguard without opposition, and even an added sum in copperpieces, which I discreetly returned to the one behind the shutter, withthe request that he would honourably burn a few joss sticks or sacrificeto a trivial amount, to the success of my journey. In such a mannerI reached an awaiting train, and, taking up within it a position ofretiring modesty, I definitely committed myself to the undertaking.

  At the next tarrying place there entered a barbarian of high-classappearance, and being by this time less assured of my competence in thematter unaided, both on account of the multiplicity of evil omens onevery side, and the perverse impulses of the guiding demon, wherebyat sudden angles certain of my organs had the emotion of being leftirrevocably behind and others of being snatched relentlessly forward, Iapproached him courteously.

  "Behold," I said, "many thousand li of water, both fresh and bitter,flow between the one who is addressing you and his native town ofYuen-ping, where the tablets at the street corners are as familiar tohim as the lines of his own unshapely hands; for, as it is truly said,'Does the starling know the lotus roots, or the pomfret read its way bythe signs among the upper branches of the pines?' Out of the necessitiesof his ignorance and your own overwhelming condescension enlighten him,therefore, whether the destination of this fire-chariot by any chancecorresponds with the inscribed name upon his talisman?"

  Thus adjured, the stranger benevolently turned himself to the detail,and upon consulting a book of symbols he expressed himself to this wise:that after a sufficient interval I should come into a certain station,called in part after the title of the enlightened ruler of this Island,and there abandoning the train which was carrying us, I should enteranother which would bring me out of the Beneath Parts and presently intothe midst of that Palace which I sought. This advice seemed good, fora reasonable connection might be supposed to exist between a stationso auspiciously called and a Palace bearing the harmonious name ofthe gracious and universally-revered sovereign-consort. Accordingly Ithanked him ceremoniously, not only on my own part, but also on behalfof eleven generations of immediate ancestors, and in the name of sevengenerations who should come after, and he on his side agreeably repliedthat he was sure his grandmother would have done as much for mine, andhe sincerely hoped that none of his great-great-grandchildren wouldprove less obliging. In this intellectual manner, varied with theentertainment of profuse bows, the time passed cordially between u
suntil the barbarian reached his own alighting stage, when he againrepeated the various details of the strategy for my observance.

  At this point let it be set forth deliberately that there existed notreachery in the advice, still less that this person is incapable ofcompetently achieving the destined end of any hazard upon which hemay embark when once the guiding signs have been made clear to hisunderstanding. Whatever entanglement arose was due merely to theconflicting manners of expression used by two widely-varying races, evenas our own proverb says, "What is only sauce for the cod is serious forthe oyster."

  At the station indicated as bearing the sign of the ruler of the country(which even a person of little discernment could have recognised bythe highly-illuminated representation bearing the elusively-wordedinscription, "In packets only"), I left this fire-chariot, and at onceperceiving another in an attitude of departure, I entered it, as thecasual barbarian had definitely instructed, and began to assure myselfthat I had already become expertly proficient in the art of journeyingamong these Beneath Regions and to foresee the time, not far distant,when others would confidently address themselves to me in theirextremities. So entrancing did this contemplation grow, that thisoutrageous person began to compose the actual words with which he wouldinstruct them as the occasion arose, as thus, "Undoubtedly, O virtuousand not unattractive maiden, this fire-engine will ultimately lead yourrefined footsteps into the street called Those who Bake Food. Do nothesitate, therefore, to occupy the vacant place by this insignificantone's side"; or, "By no means, honourable sir; the Cross of Charingis in the precisely opposite direction to that selected by thisself-opinionated machine for its inopportune destination. Do not rebukethis person for his immoderate loss of mental gravity, for your mistake,though pardonable in a stranger, is really excessively diverting. Yourmost prudent course now will assuredly be to cast yourself from thecarriage without delay and rely upon the benevolent intervention of afire-chariot proceeding backwards."

  Alas, it is truly said, "None but sword-swallowers should endeavour toswallow swords," thereby signifying the vast chasm that lies betweenthose who are really adroit in an undertaking and those who only thinkthat they may easily become so. Presently it began to become deeplyimpressed upon my discrimination that the journey was taking a morelengthy duration than I had been given to understand would be the case,while at the same time a permanent deliverance from the terrors of theBeneath Parts seemed to be insidiously lengthening out into a funerealunattainableness. The point of this person's destination, he had beenassured on all hands, was a spot beyond which even the most aggressivelyassertive engine could not proceed, so that he had no fears of beingincapably drawn into more remote places, yet when hour after hour passedand the ill-destined machine never failed in its malicious endeavours toleave each successive tarrying station, it is not to be denied thatmy imagination dwelt regretfully upon the true civilisation of ourown enlightened country, where, by the considerate intervention of anall-wise government, the possibilities of so distressing an experienceare sympathetically removed from one's path. Thus the greater part ofthe day had faded, and I was conjecturing that by this time we mustinevitably be approaching the barren and inhospitable country whichforms the northern limit of the Island, when the door suddenly openedand the barbarian stranger whom I had left many hundred li behindentered the carriage.

  At this manifestation all uncertainty departed, and I now understoodthat to some obscure end witchcraft of a very powerful and high-castekind was being employed around me; for in no other way was it credibleto one's intelligence that a person could propel himself through theair with a speed greater than that of one of these fire-chariots, andovertake it. Doubtless it was a part of this same scheme which made itseem expedient to the stranger that he should feign a part, for heat once greeted me as though the occasion were a matter of everydayhappening, exclaiming genially--

  "Well, Mr. Kong, returning? And what do you think of the Palace?"

  "It is fitly observed, 'To the earthworm the rice stalk is as high asthe pagoda,'" I replied with adroit evasion, clearly understanding fromhis manner that for some reason, not yet revealed to me, a course ofdissimulation was expedient in order to mislead the surroundingdemons concerning my movements, and by a subtle indication of the faceconveying to the stranger an assurance that I had tactfully graspedthe requirement, and would endeavour to walk well upon his heels,"and therefore it would be unseemly for a person of my insignificantattainments to engage in the doubtful flattery of comparing it withthe many other residences of the pure and exalted which embellish yourCapital."

  "Oh," said the one whom I may now suitably describe by the name of SirPhilip, "that's rather a useful proverb sometimes. Many people there?"

  At this inquiry I could not disguise from myself an emotion thatthe person seated opposite was not diplomatically inspired in sopersistently clinging to the one subject upon which he must assuredlyknow that I experienced an all-pervading deficiency. Nevertheless,being by this more fully convinced that the disguise was one of criticalnecessity, and not deeming that the essential ceremonies of one Palacewould differ from those of another, no matter in what land they stood(while through all I read a clear design on Sir Philip's part thatthe opportunity was craftily arranged so that I might impress upon anyvindictively-intentioned spirits within hearing an assumption of highprotection), I replied that the gathering had been one of unparalleledsplendour, both by reason of the multitude of exalted nobles presentand also owing to the jewelled magnificence lavished on every detail.Furthermore, I continued, now definitely abandoning all the promptingsof a wise reserve, and reflecting, as we say, that one may as well bedrowned in the ocean as in a wooden bucket, not only did the sublime andunapproachable sovereign graciously permit me to kow-tow respectfullybefore him, but subsequently calling me to his side beneath a canopy ofgolden radiance, he conversed genially with me and benevolently assuredme of his sympathetic favour on all occasions (this, I conjectured,would certainly overawe any Evil Force not among the very highestcircles), while the no less magnanimous Prince of the Imperial Linequestioned me with flattering assiduousness concerning a method ofcommunicating with persons at a distance by means of blows or stampsupon a post (as far as the outer meaning conveyed itself to me), thehouses which we build, and whether they contained an adequate provisionof enclosed spaces in the walls.

  Doubtless I could have continued in this praiseworthy spirit of delicatecordiality to an indefinite amount had I not chanced to observe at thispoint that the expression of Sir Philip's urbanity had become entangledin a variety of other emotions, not all propitious to the scheme,so that in order to retire imperceptibly within myself I smiledbroad-mindedly, remarking that it was well said that the moon was onlybright while the sun was hid, and that I had lately been dazzled withthe sight of so much brilliance and virtuous condescension thatthere were occasions when I questioned inwardly how much I had reallywitnessed, and how much had been conveyed to me in the nature of anintrospective vision.

  It will already have been made plain to you, O my courtly-manneredfather, that these barbarians are totally deficient in the politeart whereby two persons may carry on a flattering and highly-attunedconversation, mutually advantageous to the esteem of each, without itbeing necessary in any way that their statements should have more thanan ornamental actuality. So wanting in this, the most concentrated formof truly well-bred entertainment, are even their high officials,that after a few more remarks, to which I made answer in a spirit ofskilfully-sustained elusiveness, the utterly obtuse Sir Philip said atlength, "Excuse my asking, Mr. Kong, but have you really been to theAlexandra Palace at all?"

  Admittedly there are few occasions in life on which it is not possibleto fail to see the inopportune or low-class by a dignified impassivenessof features, an adroitly-directed jest, or a remark of bafflinginconsequence, but in the face of so distressingly straightforward ademand what can be advanced by a person of susceptible refinement whenopposed to one of incomparably larger dimensions, imp
risoned by his sidein the recess of a fire-chariot which is leaping forward with uncurbedvelocity, and surrounded by demons with whose habits and partialities heis unfamiliar?

  "In a manner of expressing the circumstance," I replied, "it is not tobe denied that this person's actual footsteps may have imperceptiblybeen drawn somewhat aside from the path of his former design. Yetinasmuch as it is truly said that the body is in all things subservientto the mind, and is led withersoever it is willed, and as your engagingdirections were scrupulously observed with undeviating fidelity, itwould be impertinently self-opinionated on this person's part toimply that they failed to guide him to his destination. Thus, for allceremonial purposes, it is permissible conscientiously to assume that heHAS been there."

  "I am afraid that I must not have been sufficiently clear," said SirPhilip. "Did you miss the train at King's Cross?"

  "By no means," I replied firmly, pained inwardly that he should cast theshadow of such narrow incompetence upon me. "Seeing this machine on thepoint of setting forth on a journey, even as your overwhelmingsagacity had enabled you to predict would be the case, I embarked withself-reliant confidence."

  "Good lord!" murmured the person opposite, beginning to manifest anexcess of emotion for which I was quite unable to account. "Then youhave been in this train--your actual footsteps I mean, Mr. Kong; notyour ceremonial abstract subliminal ego--ever since?"

  To this I replied that his words shone like the moon at midnight withscintillating points of truth; adding, however, as the courtesies ofthe occasion required, that I had been so impressed with the many-sidedbrilliance of his conversation earlier in the day as to render theflight of time practically unnoticed by me.

  "But did it never occur to you to ask at one of the stations?" hedemanded, still continuing to wave his hands incapably from side toside. "Any of the porters would have told you."

  "Kong Li Heng, the founder of our line, who was really great, has beendead eleven centuries, and no single fact or incident connected with hislife has been preserved to influence mankind," I replied. "How much lesswill it matter, then, even in so limited a space of time as a hundredyears, in what fashion so insignificant a person as the one before youacted on any occasion, and why, therefore, should he distress himselfunnecessarily to any precise end?" In this manner I sought to placebefore him the dignified example of an imperturbability which can bemaintained in every emergency, and at the same time to administer aplain yet scrupulously-sheathed rebuke; for the inauspicious manner inwhich he had first drawn me on to speak confidently of the ceremonies ofthe Royal Palace and then held up my inadequacy to undeserved contempthad not rejoiced my imagination, and I was still uncertain how much toclaim, and whether, perchance, even yet a more subtle craft lay underall.

  "Well, in any case, when you go back you can claim the distinction ofhaving been taken seven times round London, although you can't reallyhave seen much of it," said Sir Philip. "This is a Circle train."

  At this assertion I looked up. Though admittedly curved a little aboutthe roof the chariot was in every essential degree what we shouldpronounce to be a square one; whereupon, feeling at length that theinvolvement had definitely passed to a point beyond my contemptiblediscernment, I spread out my hands acquiescently and affably remarkedthat the days were lengthening out pleasantly.

  In such a manner I became acquainted with the one Sir Philip, andthereby, in a somewhat circuitous line, the original purpose whichpossessed my brush when I began this inept and commonplace letteris reached; for the person in question not only lay upon himself theobligation of leading me "by the strings of his apron-garment"--in thecharacteristic and fanciful turn of the barbarian language--to that samePalace on the following day, but thenceforth gracefully affecting todiscern certain agreeable virtues in my conversation and custom of habithe frequently sought me out. More recently, on the double plea that theyof his household had a desire to meet me, and that if I spent all mytime within the Capital my impressions of the Island would necessarilybe ill-balanced and deformed, he advanced a project that I shouldaccompany him to a spot where, as far as I was competent to graspthe idiom, he was in the habit of sitting (doubtless in an abstrusereverie), in the country; and having assured myself by means of discreetinnuendo that the seat referred to would be adequate for this personalso, and that the occasion did not in any way involve a payment ofmoney, I at once expressed my willingness towards the adventure.

  With numerous expressions of unfeigned regret (from a filial point ofview) that the voice of one of the maidens of the household, liftedin the nature of a defiance against this one to engage with her in atwo-handed conflict of hong pong, obliges him to bring this immaturecomposition to a hasty close.

  KONG HO.