Rules

by Doe, Anna B.

  “No idea…”

  “How can you have no idea?” I grit, my grip growing tighter. If I don’t loosen it up soon, I’ll break off the freaking wheel. “It’s the most basic thing a girl should…”

  “Brook!” Lia yells. “That’s enough.”

  “I always had a pretty irregular cycle due…” Jeanette gulps loudly. My eyes dart to her reflection for a second. She’s nibbling at her lip nervously, thinking. I want to ask her— I’m not even sure what exactly—but finally I close my mouth, giving her the time she so desperately needs.

  After a few miles, she clears her throat and the words that leave her mouth are the last I expected to hear, but at the same time, they make so much sense.

  “Due to the fact that I have an eating disorder.”

  Lia gasps loudly, and from the corner of my eye, I can see her hand covering her mouth. Then silence falls over us once again.

  “Jeanette, I…” I start, but what is there to say really?

  “It’s okay.” Jeanette laughs quietly, but there is no humor in the sound. “You couldn’t have known. Nobody does. I didn’t even think…” She shifts in her seat. “When I was in therapy, the doctors told me some of the consequences my actions might cause, one of them being irregular cycles and infertility. But this is the first time I haven’t had it for this long, maybe more than two months. My period is usually late, but not that late. Not since… not since the last time things got out of control.”

  There is another long pause.

  “Have you—” I clear my throat, thinking thoroughly about how to ask the question. “Have you been sick lately?”

  “Have I been eating, you mean? You can say it. I know how my disease works.” She runs her hand through her hair. “It’s been… rough. Some days are harder than others, but I’m trying to eat regularly. Healthy.”

  Lia turns around in her seat, her hand reaching for Jeanette’s. “We’ll figure it out. Together. We’ll figure it out.”

  Emotions swell in my throat, but I push them back. Loosening my grip, I reach back, just for a second, giving her knee a hard squeeze. Then I let go, my hands going back to the steering wheel. None of us says another word for the rest of the ride.

  * * *

  “So…” Lia drawls. “How are we going to do this?”

  For the past fifteen minutes, our eyes have been glued to the brown paper bag that is sitting on Jeanette’s desk like it’s going to bite us if we come too close.

  Once we got to the next town over and I pulled into the parking lot, we stayed sitting in the car for a while, quiet. I don’t know what’s been roaming around their heads, but I was thanking God that I got us there safely. After we finally got out and into the store, we wandered around for a bit. I wouldn’t be surprised if people gave us weird looks since we were just walking around, browsing but not buying anything until we finally gave up pretending and just went for it.

  Jittery, I tilt my chin in the direction of the bag. “Are you going to take it?”

  Jeanette’s face is gray, her fingers clasped tightly in her lap. “I don’t think I can. I’m just so scared.”

  “Of being pregnant?”

  “That.” She takes a deep breath. “But… what if I’m not?”

  “What?” I ask, pulling back to look at her. My mouth hangs open in surprise. Is she for real? She wants to be pregnant? What sane person who’s also a senior in high school wants to be pregnant?

  But before I can even try and wrap my mind around it or ask any more questions, Jeanette continues. “What if I’m not? I’m nowhere near ready to have a baby, but what if this is my only chance? The doctors were pretty forward with me; the chances of getting pregnant are low. What if this is my only chance and I’ve blown it somehow?”

  I look at Lia, not knowing what to say. When she puts it like that, and knowing about her past, it makes sense, but still. A baby at eighteen? My whole body shudders at the thought.

  Not waiting for our answer, Jeanette jumps off the bed. I can see the fight in her eyes. The need to know, and the fear of what if. My heart aches for her. I won’t even try to pretend I understand her, but I don’t want to see her suffer like this either.

  Taking a deep breath, I get up too.

  “Come on.” I loop one of my hands through hers, the other one gripping the brown bag as if my life depends on it.

  Those silver eyes widen as realization hits her. “What? What are you doing?”

  “We’re doing it. And we’re doing it now.” I don’t leave her with any other choice. If we don’t do it soon, I’m going to be the one puking my guts out.

  “We?” Jeanette pulls her hand out of mine, stopping in her tracks. “Brook, are you feeling…”

  “We’re going to take it together,” I say, my tone final. “God knows you bought enough for the whole senior class of Greyford High.”

  Jeanette rolls her eyes, but not even the playfulness of the motion manages to wipe out the worry hidden in their depths. “I didn’t buy that many!”

  “Mhmm… let’s go.”

  “Do you even know what you’re doing?” The skepticism in her voice is obvious.

  “How hard can it be? You pull your pants down, unclasp the stick, squat over the toilet and pee on it. It’s not quantum science.”

  “When you put it like that… But you go first.”

  I lift my finger in warning. “You’re going to pee on that stick today whether you do it on your own or I have to force you to do it. Clear?”

  “Crystal.”

  I nod and then stomp into the bathroom like a woman on a mission. The door closes behind me with a loud thud, and I take a second to just breathe. My back sags against the door behind me. Running my hand over my face, I look at the brown bag clasped in my fist.

  When I agreed to come to Lia’s, this didn’t even cross my mind, yet here we are.

  I exhale, the whoosh of air feeling awfully loud in the quiet room.

  I put the bag on the counter and pull out one rectangular box.

  “Now or never, Brook,” I whisper to my own reflection in the mirror. “It’s now or never.”

  Not like there is any chance I might actually be pregnant. Except for those few times I’ve been with Max, I haven’t been with anybody in forever. We were always careful… not like that made this any easier.

  Gritting my teeth, I rip into the box and pull out the plastic stick. For something so small and light, this thing sure is scary as hell.

  Ignoring my wandering thoughts, I do exactly what I told Jeanette to do, and once I’m finished, I leave the stick on the counter, washing my hands and getting the hell out of the room just in time to catch part of Lia and Jeanette’s conversation.

  “Thanks, but I don’t think I’ll need them anytime soon.”

  “Nothing like a pregnancy scare to emphasize the importance of birth control,” I say from the doorway. The two of them turn around at once. I catch Jeanette’s eyes and tilt my head back. “Your turn.”

  Her eyes fall shut, and for a moment I debate whether to let this go. Maybe she needs to do it in her own time. Forcing it will accomplish nothing but heartache. But like always, Jeanette surprises me. When her eyes snap open, there is a strength in them that I haven’t seen all day long. She nods once before marching toward the bathroom. I move, letting her pass.

  When the door closes softly behind her, I look at Lia and see her worried gaze on me.

  “She’ll be okay, right?”

  My fingers lace with hers, and I give her a strong squeeze.

  “Of course. She’s stronger than she lets on.”

  Lia nods, nibbling at her lip as we wait. I can hear a clock ticking somewhere in the distance. The sound is faint but loud enough to irritate me.

  We wait in the silence, and after what seems like forever, I get up.

  “I can’t take this anymore,” I say as I walk toward the bathroom. Not bothering to knock, I open the door and peek inside. “Are you done already?”

&n
bsp; “Thank you for knocking,” Jeanette says, but I ignore her protest when I notice she’s decent and open the door wider.

  Jeanette closes the toilet seat and sits down, looking at the counter expectedly. I gulp down, nervous too for some reason.

  It’s not like you’re the one pregnant. Get a grip, Brook.

  “How much longer?” Lia whispers.

  I shrug, crossing my arms over my chest. “It shouldn’t be much longer, I guess.”

  I bite at my lip until the beeping sound finally interrupts the silence.

  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I brush my sweaty palms against my tights. I look at Jeanette, trying my best to hide my nerves. “Ready?”

  Wide, deer-in-headlights eyes meet mine. And I can see her throat bobble as she gulps down. “Can we do yours first?”

  Everything in me freezes, but I push past it, giving her an encouraging smile.

  “Sure.” I walk to the counter, every step feeling heavy like a stone. Sucking my lip between my teeth, I pick up my test and look down. My shoulders sag in relief as I whisper, “It’s negative.”

  I turn it around to show them before I throw it into the bin underneath the sink.

  Lia moves closer to Jeanette, hugging her from behind. Jeanette inhales before giving me the go-ahead. I turn around and pick up the test. My heart is galloping in my chest as I take it and slowly lift it up.

  I look down, my gaze blurry, and I have to blink a couple of times to clear my vision. My throat works a swallow as I lift my eyes to Jeanette, a look of uncertainty on her face.

  Slowly, I turn the stick around so she can see it. “What are you going to do?”

  Chapter Forty-One

  MAX

  Taking one step at a time, I can feel my body ache with every move I make. The duffle bag I tossed over my shoulder hitting my thigh doesn’t help much either. With our biggest game of the season just a few short days away, and against our biggest rival St. Jonah’s High no less, the coach has been riding our asses this whole week.

  At this point I’m so freaking tired, if I could lift my hand, I’d signal my capitulation. Scholarship and college hockey be dammed. Remnants of sweat still cling to my skin, although most of it is dried by now, but I didn’t have it in me to take a shower before leaving the rink tonight. The showers over there are shit, and my beaten body wants more than that. Taking the last step, I sigh in relief. I can already feel the hot jets hitting my skin, massaging my tired, overworked muscles into submission.

  I’m just about to enter my room when the door across the hall opens. Looking over my shoulder, I open my mouth to greet my sister, but I am surprised to find it’s not her standing there, leaning against the door.

  “Max,” Brook gasps, surprised to see me.

  “Brook…” I look at the closed door to my sister’s room and then back at her. “What are you doing here?”

  To say I’m surprised is an understatement. We haven’t talked since New Year’s Eve. Ever since school started back up, things have been so crazy I’ve barely had time to sleep. And if there was a spare moment here or there—somewhere between school, studying, hockey practices and my own training—and I looked for Brook, she was nowhere to be found.

  Be honest. You’re avoiding her, just as much as she’s avoiding you.

  “I…” She licks her lips, looking everywhere but at me. “Lia, Jeanette and I were studying.”

  “Okay,” I say, confused. She’s acting weird.

  Brook cringes, her eyes finally settling on me. “Jeanette wasn’t feeling well, and Lia had to go home, so I stayed with her.”

  My whole body stiffens as every possible scenario goes through my head. I take a step forward, ready to go inside and check in on my sister, but Brook meets me halfway, stopping me from moving. Her hand grips my forearms, a zip of electricity going through my whole body at her soft touch.

  “She’s okay,” Brook whispers softly. “She finally fell asleep a bit ago. You should let her rest.”

  “I…” My throat bobs as I look over her shoulder at the closed door.

  After New Year’s Eve, Jeanette started going back to her therapy sessions. She was seeing a psychologist back in California for the better part of the last two years but decided to quit before we moved to Greyford. With everything happening lately, she decided it would be best for her to pick it up again, even if only once a week.

  Was she spiraling again? Is that why she wasn’t feeling well? Did her demons return, back in full force?

  Brook’s fingers touch my chin, light like a feather, and they make my whole body shiver. Holding back, I look down at her.

  “She is fine, Max.” There is a knowing look in her eyes.

  “I just…”

  “She told us, you know… about the anorexia.” My eyes all but pop out in surprise. Jeanette did? When? She rarely talks about it, even with me. I think the only person she ever fully opened up to is her therapist, but that’s kind of it, so for her to tell Brook… “But this doesn’t have anything to do with that. Trust me.”

  I give one last lingering look to her bedroom door and finally nod in agreement. “I guess you’re right. I can check in on her later.”

  Brook offers me a smile, and her fingers linger on my cheek for just a few seconds longer before she pulls back. My body misses her touch almost instantly. Has it really been more than a week?

  She shifts from leg to leg. “I should get going.”

  “Already?” I cringe at the neediness in my voice, but there is no taking it back now. “We haven’t seen each other in forever.”

  “Things have been… busy.” She looks away, uncomfortable.

  I narrow my eyes at her. Something isn’t adding up.

  “I know. We have a game this Friday, and Coach has been working our asses off since school started back up. If we win this, we’re going to the Ice Globe Tournament.”

  “That’s amazing, Max. I’m really happy for you.”

  I take her hand in mine. “Stay. I’ll take a quick shower, and we can crash and watch something for a bit.”

  For a moment I see her pondering my offer, but then something flashes in her eyes. She shakes her head, almost like she’s fighting with herself before her face closes off. Taking a step back, her hand slips out of mine.

  “I really have to go.” She turns her back to me, ready to leave. My throat closes, but I can’t seem to let it go.

  “What is really going on, Brook?”

  She stops at the top of the stairs, her back stiff, hand gripping the railing. “Nothing, I’m just busy.”

  “Bull,” I shoot back. “You just spent probably hours with Jeanette, and now you’re leaving?”

  “She wasn’t feeling well. I couldn’t just leave her alone.”

  Maybe, but from the edge in her voice and the hard line of her shoulders, I beg to differ. “That’s not the only thing. I haven’t seen you except in the few classes we have together.”

  “I told you I’ve been busy.”

  “Busy?” I take a step closer. She must hear it because her back grows more rigid than before. “Or avoiding me?”

  The challenge is more than obvious.

  Like you’re one to talk.

  She turns around, fire burning in her irises. “What’s with all the questions?”

  I lift my brow at her, not baffled in the least with her attitude. “What’s with the avoidance?”

  Brook lifts her chin, her lips pressed in a tight line. We stare at each other, looking to see who’ll break first.

  I’m not sure what the hell is going on, but I know I need to figure it out. And fast.

  Sighing, I move closer, and my hand cups her cheek. I can feel her flinch at my touch, but she doesn’t pull away. Her eyes fall shut, swallowing hard.

  “What is going on, Brook?” I ask, this time softer. “You know you can talk to me.”

  Her teeth nibble at her lower lip nervously as she shakes her head. “I can’t do this anymore.”

 
; “What?” I take a step back, her words, barely louder than a whisper, like a punch to my gut.

  “I thought I’d be able to do it. Whatever it is between us, but I was wrong.”

  “Brook…” I call out, but she doesn’t listen.

  “We’re just too different. You have hockey to concentrate on, and I… I’m a mess.”

  Green eyes look at me, pleading with me to understand, but I don’t even think I can wrap my head around what she’s saying.

  “What are you trying to say?”

  “We have to stop this.”

  “This.” I point at the space between the two of us. “Didn’t even start and you’re already giving up?”

  “Trust me, it’s for the best.”

  I open my mouth, but no words come out. What is there to say? She is giving up on us before even giving us a chance.

  Turning my back to her, I run my fingers through my hair, pulling at the ends in frustration.

  Fuck it.

  “Brook…” I turn around, but she’s not there anymore. “Fucking hell.”

  * * *

  “Dammit,” I grit through my teeth, my body still vibrating from the impact.

  With no time to lose, I get back to the game, chasing after the sucker who sent me flying into the Plexiglass and stole the puck right from under my nose.

  This game has been a blood bath since the very first second. With a spot in the tournament on the line, both teams were giving it their all to be the winners once the final buzzer sounds.

  We’re in the final minutes of the third period, and if we don’t score soon, we’re done. Anger and adrenaline buzz in my veins, making me push harder. I’ve been on edge for the last couple of days, and this game has proven to be a perfect outlet for all the pent-up energy I have.

  I look around, my eyes zeroing on the black rubber flying over the ice. The fuckers are so confident in their leverage, they almost lazily shift the puck back and forth.

  Idiots. This game is far from over.

  Pushing my way through, I see one of our D-men shoving away a St. Jonah’s player. He stumbles, stick connecting to the puck, but there is no real aim or force behind it.